so far

 storage in now empty. but now that small trailer we’ve been borrowing for years is full of my stuff, my sisters stuff and some trash bags. sigh it feels overwhelming. the side room isn’t cleared yet to move anything into it. i never have a chance to myself to do anything cuz of baby so when will i be able to go thru my stuff of keeps and not keeps. feels like a lot. we still need to get the mattress out of that trailer to trade out in our bedroom but i think we’re doing that on Monday/Tuesday. i feel glad it’s done tho. so zack broke his finger trying to put the trailer into the vehicle and my brother today cut his finger while they were moving stuff and had to go to a walk in clinic. what’s with everyone getting injured during this move? my brother said it’s a cursed move. i believe it. 

photo dump

thanksgiving

sophia’s first thanksgiving 

photo dump

went to paulseidons to make pizzas 

hair

my hair is getting so long now i am about ready to get it cut and fully highlighted next month or two for bday/christmas gift. still debating on getting long layers im kinda scared. 

i think either way, next trim will take off all the damaged bleach from years ago when i burnt it all off. i have reasons to believe my medication Abilify is causing my hair to come out way more than usual. it’s scaring me a bit. but is it seasonal or is it medicine related? idk but i don’t wanna wait and find out so im stopping this medication. it’s not doing much anyway. i know im in a low dose but i just don’t wanna take it. i rather try something else 

so far

so went thru the trailer and cleaned it all out, sold the washer and dryer that my mom didn’t need and cleaned out the room that’ll be sophia’s. tomorrow my bf and the mom are putting all the furniture currently in sophia’s room into the storage unit they rented since i want none of it. then wednesday zack is asking his boss to borrow the truck so they can load all of my stuff left in the storage unit and bring it here. so we’ll have a my old, good mattress and my old furniture that’s going into the baby’s room. so it’s getting done at least. before i load my stuff in tho i plan on painting the walls. so i need to get paint. i have the swatches of color i want already saved. i hope revamping and making her room will help me cuz i just hate being here. i’m so depressed every day. the mom makes it worse for me if it weren’t for her id be so happy here living with my bf and our baby. but she just sucks 98% of the time. sigh i am so home sick. i miss living with my family. 

i just get more and more uncomfortable living here. 

i hate it here and tried holding it together and not cry around my baby. the mom puts so much stress on everyone like… my bf told her NOT to go into the trailer my brother was staying in bc it was a big mess that my brother and mom were going to clean up as they’re only able to finish up moving on weekends. my brother is 6’5 and was living in that tiny ass trailer with 2 cats for a couple years so yea, it was a huge mess. again, my bf told her not to go in there cuz they were coming back today to clean it up. what does she do at the crack of dawn? barge in and come at my bf all pissed off. she was out there all day cleaning it all out. super hostile about it acting all woe is me i’m SuCh a GoOd sAmAritAn and this is what i get~ stfu. then she barges into the room my mom was in and complains my animals are in there. 3rd time again i’m saying this… she was told not to go into there but instead wanted to barge into just to get mad at

something. couldn’t wait today the day they were coming by. so i didn’t wanna sit in this room all day again with my baby with a hostile old bitch hanging around so i left. i took sophia and went to my moms new place. sophia had a blast crawling all over the place cuz there is actual room and not a hoard of junk in the way. the floor was cleaner than here too so she was safe to do so. she was cruising on my moms couches and laughing a lot. it broke my heart that im stuck here at this old bitch house with NO room for my baby to grow. the bitch mom won’t give space at all. the floors are nasty here socks are always dirty when walking around. it’s always dark too. no light. it’s just not where i wanna be with a baby. it’s not a place for a baby to grow and learn. but in fucking stuck here. i should have told them i wanted a 3 bedroom place so i could live with my family . i only stayed for my bf. he’s doing his best to try and make it better. i’m hoping having sophia’s room and this room revamped will help. sophia can crawl from room to room instead of being stuck in this room on a small mat for hours and hours a day. it’s just so unhealthy. she needs room. it kills me and today i nearly broke down. i hate that mom so much. when she’s gone the house lights up like a dark cloud just vanishes but when she’s here it’s just dark. i hate it and i hate her. now i have to have thanksgiving here too to make my bf feel happy? i have to sit around a fucking table with deborah logan where. i refuse to talk. so i get to sit there uncomfortably. you know im just gonna barely eat or not eat at all. my baby can eat but i won’t. i’ll eat when i leave there to go to my moms. i don’t wanna be here. 

took baby to the beach to see the waves and rocks

feeling down now that my mom has moved into her new place. i’m happy for her cuz it’s hell being here. it’s just so dark, dusty, depressing and cramped. we will be moving things soon and having the baby room done and our room will be revamped so i hope all that helps cuz right now it’s shitty living space. idk how people live with so much clutter. i don’t do well mentally in areas with tons of clutter. i miss my own room where i had it constantly cleaned and redecorated every month. i feel home sick without my mom and family. i’m not very independent and never have been so being alone all day in this room with a baby and a narcissist old witch in the rest of the house sucks. i’m depressed and i see my psychiatrist tomorrow maybe i need to up my medication idk. 

we watched Smile 2 and i was disappointed that Kyle Gallner died right in the beginning. the ladies be watching cuz of that king 😍 

i dread today. i might just do what i planned and take babygirl over to my moms during the days at least til i can start moving stuff in her room. just have to wait for my mom to get rid of rest of her stuff in there, the narc mom to get rid of all that furniture in there i don’t want that she hoped i’d keep. she still tried putting her sewing machine in there but in like no….. this isn’t a storage room this is my babys room. 😒 glad my bf told her no. so they’ll be renting a small storage unit to keep stuff in. i don’t get why the mom can’t just throw stuff out. why do you need to keep this furniture you’ll never used that’s hardly even furniture at all it’s DIY junk you made that looks ugly with shit you found at thrift joints or side of the road garbage. like why not throw it out. oh wait. hoarders can’t throw stuff away. 

transition baby into crib is gonna be hard once that rooms together. she’s been cosleeping with us forever and it’s gonna be so hard to transition her into her own room in her own bed. i dread it but once she’s comfortable sleeping in her own i’ll finally hopefully get better sleep at night. it’s just gonna be hard letting her cry it out. hearing her crying and doing. nothing is torture. but they say you have to gradually let the time get longer and longer during their crying before checking in. sigh it’s gonna be so tough 

feeling guilty

feeling guilty letting my baby watch tv. so many tiktoks and social media people saying NO screen time for babies under 2. when i was preg i said NO ipads for baby but after having my first baby ever i’m realizing it’s impossible for my baby to not watch tv. i let her watch The Wiggles and earlier on would put on Sophia The First cuz idk what i’m doing bro i’m a first time mom. i stopped with cartoons though and only let her watch people or animals. so she watched The Wiggles, who sing and dance. no different than when i sing and dance with her. so i feel like its not as bad. but then i come across moms saying how they’d never let their baby watch screens makes me feel like a bad mom. i was told to never compare myself or my baby to other moms or their babies but its easy to do when others shame those who do differently. i don’t plop my baby in front of the screens for hours but i do put it on if i wanna clean the room or do things for myself. otherwise shes clinging onto me and i can’t get things done. i sing to her, dance with her, help her learn to stand on her own, play with her, walk her, feed her and bathe her. but yea i let her watch tv certain times of the day. i guess ill just keep rereading this reddit thread to make me feel better anytime. i feel guilty. they were saying positive things and don’t let other moms shame you for doing what’s best for you and your family. 

my sister got me my chemical romance ticket

my sister surprised me with my chemical romance ticket for next year. i cried i almost died. i am soooo excited. i can’t wait but im glad it’s next summer cuz i have something to look forward to. 

book day and sleep regression

took her to get her weekly book. 

inb4 the sleep regression started

so sleep regression is going on strong. she won’t stay asleep and cries a lot of the night. she went to bed at 730-8pm but woke up at 10pm and was wide awake. we tried wearing her out and ignoring her seeing if she’d just get tired. negative. didn’t get tired for another few hours. i was passing out here and there waiting on her to sleep. then she does but wakes up crying. she was crying so much last night i tried everything. medication for her teeth, gas drops, rocking her. rocking her worked because she was really so tired but the second i put her down she screamed. so i laid next to her and held her. she screamed any time i moved my arm or tried to get comfortable. she cried any time she felt any movement. finally i just waited til she was OUT. so passed out from exhaustion and i got to move to the other side of the bed. she woke up at 7am too to top it all off so im exhausted and am gonna try to nap with her after this. 

my mom moves finally out of here and ill be able to start decorating sophia’s room. im unfortunately gonna have to give away my guinea pigs to a place or someone who will take care of them cuz i cannot give them the love and attention they need anymore. there’s also not gonna be room for their cage anymore. i’m sad about this bc they were my babies for so long. i’ve been thru so many piggies :( but i don’t feel it’s fair for them. sophia takes up so much of my time and there no longer will be space for their cage. 

so my mom moving out by this weekend. been waiting on HOA approval but the realtor said within the next day or 2. i’m so happy for my mom even tho i don’t want her to leave me here in this hell hole with his satan mom. hate her so much she againnnnnn. made comments that were (of course) passive aggressive at us about her fingers being in sophia’s mouth. it’s starting to seem disturbing she brings it up so fucking much. so we were all in the kitchen doing our morning routine and she comes in to hover around sophia like always. i’m making bottles and i hear “you don’t know where that’s been. probably flower beds. not that it would be the worst thing it builds up immunities”. like????? every since day one we told you NOT to put your nasty fingers in my baby’s mouth you got offended. ever since you keep making comments like that about it. this is literally like the 6-7th time she’s made passive aggressive comments around us about this. it’s starting to creep me out what is your obsession with your fingers in sophia’s mouth you fucking freak. why do you keep getting offended still. that’s not all either apparently zack left oil out from doing my oil change and she bitches as bf about it in a nasty way. so he lashes back and again for the billionth time she goes “no one talkksksksks to meeeee” 😭  shut UP. you’re mad you’re a narcissist not getting their validation. no one talks to you cuz you suck. you’re a whacko and a hateful one too. no one knows what mood that bag is gonna be in. you wonder why you have no friends? no one talks to you boohoo. maybe look in the mirror and stop acting like a fucking victim all the time. you put people off with your trump bullshit, your conspiracy crap and your cult minded idiocy. fucking loser. his mom is such a loser. 

babygirl 9 month dr visit

she was really good at the dr. she got her toes pricked to check iron levels and she didn’t cry. she also got a flu shot and cried a little but didn’t scream. so her iron levels were the best they’ve seen all week and she’s 98th percentile weight 23.5 lbs $ 2’.6. her eye is a little off but nothing concerning tho were recommended to a baby eye dr. i was curious if the dr would remember me and when i told her she was my dr as a child she said she was waiting for me to say something haha. it was great seeing her as an adult with my own baby. she said i look exactly the same. so we got scheduled with her again for her next visit and i feel bad bc the other dr who dealt with sophia since she was born requested we see her for her 1 year old visit. maybe we can can and schedule an appointment with her instead even tho i love my old dr. 

put baby in car seat in my car with the new seat for the first time today.

 tested it and drove around the neighborhood. of course the AUX button is now not working along with half the console buttons. gonna have to ask zack to look at all of the fuses in the fuse box this weekend. i hope it’s that easy of a fix. i need music and ac in the car working. she was good in the car seat but got whiny a bit driving around. i think i need to get her another mirror to put in so she can see the front where i am. but it’ll be so nice being able to take her places alone now instead of stuck in this shit hole house. 

car seats installed in my car all the way now i can take her places. i wanna practice first with someone else though so i’m not alone if i run into a complication the first time. i hope she’ll be good about getting in it and being in my car. she just started getting a bit better at being put in car seat the past few times. tomorrow she has a pediatric visit and i hope it goes smoothly. i get to see my old childhood doctor and i wonder if she’ll recognize me.  i have seen her around the office and she looos exactly the same. like no aging or anything wtf. so tomorrow i’m curious about baby girls weight and height. her looking like a 1 year old but she’s only 9 months is crazy. 

so i’ve been feeling mega depressed lately. idk if it’s circumstances right now or i need my antipsychs upped. i wish they’d just give me what helps me all around but they’re so weird about giving adhd meds. she doesn’t want me to “get manic” on stimulants but i’ve never been manic on stims. only manic on NO meds. i was prescribed this for years, lost insurance then lost my dr when she retired. so wtf why is this such a “no” now. i’m gonna go to this next visit one last time and if i still can’t get thru to these people then im finding someone who will help me. i’m so damn depressed again. i just wanna feel better. 

rough half of the evening with baby screaming. but she was so good in car today. i’m exhausted feeding her waiting on her to finish bottle or better yet fall asleep. 

i hope she sleeps through the night cuz last night she woke up crying uncontrollably. we installed new car seat in my car today but it still needs tightening. sucks having a 2 door car with a baby. but i got to deal with the hassle. i can’t stand day after day sitting in room with my baby doing same thing every single time. need to take her out somewhere even if for a drive. 

i’m losing myself a bit and feeling angry from being stuck here. but now i get my car back as my brother can drive my moms car to work since my sister got a car the other day. 

park day

took baby girl to the park today. she didn’t want to nap this morning so she was awake for 5 hours and took a nap in the car as we ran errands. she’s napping again now and i hope she goes to bed at a decent time and doesn’t fight it. 🤞🏼 

lol

babygirl fell in her crib while standing up in it and hit her top mouth onto the crib top and was bleeding. i felt so bad. bf is going to lower the crib now that she’s standing so that doesn’t happen again :( the park was after this happened so she’s okay. she had fun at the park and cried when i took her off the swing cuz she thought we were leaving 

updates

found a pokémon card on our walk and i turned it around and it was a character that my brother is getting tattooed today. super weird. i think my next biggish tattoo is gonna be the boomstick and chainsaw from army of darkness wrapped in a bow on my other leg. to keep the bow theme going. after that no more big tattoos just smaller ones. i wanna get some hearts and diamond and maybe another harley quinn one. some words maybe. but all smaller tattoos about no bigger than my kirby one. 

my mom moves out soon. she got the consent to move in she’s just waiting on the HOA people to get back to her. so i’ll have the side room to decorate for baby girl. i’ll put her crib in there, my old dresser, a couch and swap the tvs. so we have the bigger tv in here and the smaller one in her room. i need a new car seat so i can go over to my moms place instead of being stuck here all day. i hate being here. the mom is still fucking complaining how i don’t talk to her. after she just got done saying she understands me (lmao). if you understood you wouldn’t complain about it? i don’t wanna blog about her much anymore cuz i don’t wanna give her the satisfaction. narcissists love it when you talk about them even if it’s negative. i could go on and on about her psycho behavior, weirdness with cults and how she just boasted about how hard of a worker she is cuz she pulls weeds outside…. boasting. like bitch sit down or go join a retreat and don’t come back. but yea i don’t want my blog to be much about her anymore cuz fuck rotten people. 

my bf told me he’d watch baby while i go out one night with paige or something to have a couple of drinks. i want to so bad get out and have me time. having a baby is so fucking hard i don’t think stay at home moms get enough credit man. so i wanna go but ill have to be extra responsible cuz i know that if im not careful ill get to fucked up. i’ve already had a few nights of that nonsense when i finally got that go ahead to go out. basically, no shots lol. shots are the devil. i do need a night out tho so maybe i will go out for a couple hours sometime soon. 

recently watched Strange Darling. pretty good but don’t watch with your bf. those kyle gallner scenes of him during the sex scenes were 🥵 godddd.  in fact just watch that movie alone cuz it’s awkward with other people. but it was pretty good. i liked it a lot. Nosferatu comes out soon and i cannot wait. bill skarsgard and aaron taylor johnson 😍 

baby 9 month so far:

can inch and semi crawl

can stand up by holding onto crib and toys

cruises in her crib 

babbles a lottttt (dada mama and whispers papapapa”

laughs a lot

2 bottom teeth

sleeps thru the night mostly 

usually takes hour long naps twice a day

wearing 9-12 mo clothes 

eats some solids and purées (meat, oatmeal, cooked carrots, steamed broccoli, bananas)

trick or treating

took sophia trick or treating and she was good. didn’t cry at people or even houses with blaring psycho themed music. she was cool about it. she got a good amount of candy she can’t have lol but i gave it to my mom. 

everyone was terrified of my bfs mask lmao 

kaleykat extra pouty photo dump