happy 9 months baby

can’t fucking sleep

for 1 baby keeps sitting up in sleep, restless and moving around. the ac unit finally broke which woke me up in the first place. forgot to take my medicine so had to take it. i’m barely hanging on to the bed cuz babyg keeps moving and paging me further off. i’m not comfortable at all. she usually wakes up at 7am so i won’t have much sleep even if i do fall asleep. sigh im tired but so uncomfortable. 

tattoo day

paige did the tattoo ^~^ it’s so kawaii

stuck and can’t move cuz sophia might wake up. so im stuck like this til then. 

she’s been asleep for over an hour tho so my back is hurting. tomorrow i get my lollipop spider tattoo from paige at 12. id say it’ll be nice to have a break from sophia but ill be getting a needle jabbed into my skin for 40 mins. kinda wanna get some harley ones and maybe an army of darkness tattoo of some sort next. i’ve been losing weight or well i look like it from walking 3-4 times a day which makes me eat less. still gotta keep going cuz i have ways to go before i love my body again. 

robbie burnz

An’ aft your moss-traversing Spunkies / Decoy the wight that late an’ drunk is: / The bleezan, curst, mischievous monkies / Delude his eyes, / Till in some miry slough he sunk is.

baby’s first costume

partial DIY costume for baby’s first Halloween

we’re taking her Trick r treating for a lil bit. we got her some ghost lights to drape along her stroller. then we’re gonna hand out candy and let her see the kids come up in their costumes. my baby loves seeing other kids she gets super hyper about it. i hope she can stand it cuz i know it is possible for this all to be over stimulating for an 8/9 month old. we’ll see but the costume is cute. i’m gonna RE dress up in my fairy get up since i got all ready that one night to go out but didn’t end up getting to. 

sophia’s first pumpkin patch

bad

the electric is being rewired so no power again til done. 

my tattoo is rescheduled for next monday. 

today my bf got into a small altercation with some douchey old timer. we had our cart sitting on the curb cuz i was getting sophia changed so i can then put her in the cart. this old man tried to take it and my bf was like “sorry we’re using it”. he’s like “thanks for moving it out of the way so i can park (in sarcasm)” my bf was like “cool bro have a nice day” and the old timer said “yea have a nice day… asshole” then my bf starts following him asking him if he has something to say lol i hate when he gets that way like whatever with that old man. but then the old man came back just to say have a nice day in sarcasm lmao we laughed at him. i was like “we should put sophia’s poop diaper on his car” my bf was down but i said jk don’t do that. should have tho. fuck u douche old man from vermont

i wonder how long gifs will last thru the years. kinda wanna make them to document my moods 

🚫 halloween party 👎🏼

so much for going to halloween party. baby wouldn’t go to bed and i didn’t wanna put her being awake and crying on my mom while i went. so we ordered pizza and are going to bed. sucks cuz i got already to go. i had full makeup on and dress. ready. but baby go had other plans. i’m tired anyways going to bed earlier these days since baby wakes up early now. though maybe not this coming AM

still so jealous my sister is in vegas seeing all my bands. vegas and california are places i wish i lived. i love the desert. i love it and always have loved the vibe it gives. wanna go someday. luckily she’s bringing me merch from bands i like. 

jamming in jensen with baby girl

went out for the evening with sophia. we stopped by to have a cocktail and walked around a bit. she got fussy toward the end cuz she had been awake for 4.5 hours and she usually has her bath at 730pm. she had a later bath and a crappy night sleep :( prob from being overtired. 

i think we might be doing pumpkins tonight. at least maybe getting them. sophia’s first pumpkin. i’ll prob put her in her walker seat and take the wheels off. so she can sit with us and play with the pumpkin guts. gonna have to take the seeds out and let her just play with the orange stuff. 🎃

updates

the weather is finally starting to feel like fall 🍁 i’m tired and there’s still so much underlying hate and drama going on in the house with the narcissistic hag. i’m honestly kind of worried when my mom moves out. my brother and my mom are both voicing concerns over my mental health being here with that old woman. it’s crazy how a single person can suck the energy and bring on darkness just from being in the house. she sucks it all away. of course she had to be in the kitchen this morning and talking to her son, over talking. she got louder each time she tried to top over him talking. such a bitch, dude. 

so i’m getting my tattoo with Paige on Monday ^~^ i guess bf will have to just drive baby girl around while i get it done. shouldn’t take too long maybe 20-30 mins. i’m so glad now to be left the fuck alone online. i checked it after like a year and looks like they stopped stalking me and trying to talk to me under false accounts. i noticed it the other day “oh yea, i haven’t been harassed in so long”. not that it’d stop me from doing what i do online but it’s nice to do it freely in my own corner. 

so my mom is thinking about just picking an apartment and not looking at them. she says it’s just a temp situation for a year. the year i gave my bf a chance to change shit around here or i move out with my family then. i’m tired of not having space. not having this side be our side of the house. tired of my bf ditching me to go out. it happened again 3rd time now when i literally just was finished expressing my struggles with sophia and needing time to my self, he goes out with friends. i found that so rude. then to come home at 4am cuz you passed out at paulseidons when you weren’t even suppose to go anywhere else but the restaurant. fuck that. i told him that is to never happen anymore, need more space, i have full say on changing my the rooms around & his mom needs to stfu and leave me alone. she complained again how i don’t talk to her……. can’t this bitch leave me alone and accept it. i don’t like her. i don’t wanna talk to somebody like that. hav is reading books on becoming supernatural i don’t want any part of that delusion. just leave me alone. i got some people to leave me alone now she needs to fuck off. 

so my psych appt is coming up too and i’m still working on getting the medication that helps me without trying to look like a user. what i hate about psychiatrists and pharmacies is the way they make you feel when you either are looking for what helps you or you are prescribed it by a dr and the pharmacy makes you look like an addict. i hate that. some people need medication, not everyone is out to get drugs like that. so im working on getting adhd meds that help me with literally everything. i was diagnosed with adhd yearssss ago and took stimulant to help for years. suddenly my dr is gone, i lost my insurance and wasnt able to get it again until i was pregnant. so i finally get the insurance and now i need the medication to help me with numerous things. i need it to focus. focus on one thing and that’s my baby. i need to stop worrying about that old bitch, i need to stop dwelling on my living situation and focus on her. i find myself a lot of the day dwelling on those things rapid fire. when my i take adhd meds i can focus on what i have to focus on. it also helps me with anxiety. my anxiety is so worried about what others think of me in public. but when i take adhd meds. i’m focused on what i am at the store for. not others. it’s so weird how magical that drug is. it feels like it helps me with literally every issue i have. in happier. no depression. so i’m trying to explain that to the psych. but she doesn’t want me in those kinds of meds right away when starting an anti psychotic. which. i get. so i explained it and she said something about stimulants causing me more anxiety. i said ive never had an issue before. it’s always helped me in many ways. she said that we’ll talk about it next visit after i explain how things are going with the bipolar medication. so next visit i’ll explain it away again and say my focus seems to be the biggest issue right now. hope for the best i guess. 

my sister is so lucky she gets to go to vegas to see all these bands i love so much. she said she’d get me a shirt. i told her either a chiodos shirt or my chemical romance. dance gavin dance is obvious. but i’m so jealous but that’s the life of having a baby now. sacrifice. 

might be going to a halloween party for only a couple hours saturday depending on how sophia is behaving. if she’s chill and goes to bed then awesome. if she screaming then idk. but i bought my fairy wing set which comes tomorrow. 

photo dump from yesterday & tonight

lost power

lost power once the hurricane hit of course. was out for a couple days but thankfully paulseidon and friends dropped off a generator. the first generator died so they dropped off the second one and then we got power again for the night. power is back on now though since yesterday thank God. warm showers are back. 

i am getting tattooed on the 21st

paige drew this up for her last friday the 13th flash thingy. no one got it done so im gonna pick it up and get it done on my thigh area some where. my sisters getting a matching one but hers has a scorpion and isn’t a heart just a regular lollipop. 

still have our shutters up i wanna take them down ugh feels like a prison with them on. 

sophia’s been so much to deal with. she fights to get in car seat now and semi fights to get in any seat with straps. she tries to stand and arches her back so she can’t sit. 😑 she’s mobile and moving all around now and it stresses me out so much. i tried telling bf this. i need a break. even just a drive around alone. 

were the yellow dot 😞

my friends and family are to the left of us 😔 

it happened.

the blow up happened.  my mom and i started taking down the things on the walls in sophia’s soon to be room. his mom told me i didn’t have to keep anything in there if i didn’t want to or i could use. but that it was my choice to do whatever i wanted with the room. so we come back from our outing and i already hear the yelling. as i walk in i hear the mom say she never told me i could do what i wanted with the room so i walk in and said “yes you did”. she argued so i said “yes you did! 🙃 yes you did! 🙃 yes you did! 🙃” over and over then she yelled at me and said “you shut up” 🤣 so my mom got back in and got pissed she told me to shut up. the whole thing was messy. she lied to our faces multiple times about not hearing things that were said many times on numerous occasions. lied about being in debt multiple times too. i took sophia away from this cuz she needed diaper changed. i came back to it and sophia was clinging onto me saying shit like “i’m sorry baby you have to hear this” then sophia whined and clung to me tighter. then the moms like “well now we know she’s part all of you”. implying rude shit. just went poorly and i knew it would. the outcome tho became better i even explained to her i need more room for sophia’s stuff in a particular cabinet i wanted. i didn’t hear the rest i was with sophia. she didn’t need negativity in her ears. 

my mom told me the mom hugged her after lol she also said ill prob get what i want out of this woman as far as moving what i want where i want and how i want. i hope she understands nothings gonna change. i still won’t say hello all the time. i’m still not friendly. i just am here for sophia and my bf. that’s it. 

but still move ya shit lmao 

seriously tho im glad it happened 

fuck hurricane season

not in the mood for a fucking hurricane i’ll tell you that much. 

this neighborhood sucks so bad with their electric. a gust of wind for christ sake knocks the power out. in this house with the fucking annoying mom AND a baby without electricity in florida heat is not something i wanna deal with. if i have to ill be at paulseidons. 

baby girl 💜

my baby girl is growing so fast. she opened a packet of crackers today and ate one. i didn’t realize it since we usually let her crinkle the cracker packets. she opened it today and ate the peanut butter side of the cracker. so i gave her a second half and she ate it. so im gonna start solids. i think ill try rotisserie chicken first. she eats the leaf parts of broccoli too already. my big girl 😭 

she’s also waving at herself in the mirror, gets hella excited when there is animals. she waves and screeches at dogs walking by as well as Mr Dabs. she loves seeing other kids playing when we take her on our walks. she’s growing and learning so fast. it’s making me emotional 😭 

photo dump

happy 8 months Sophia

8 months woohoo!