bf birthday dinner

went to Crabbys Oyster bar for dinner. we ate oysters and i got jumbo shrimp and rice. so the morning of my bfs bday was not the greatest. sophia fell off the bed and landed on her back on the tile floor. i turned to fix this lamp direction so it wasn’t in our faces and i hear a thump on the floor. sounded like something fell, like something that isn’t a baby. i turn to see and she’s in the floor and she screams. it was so fucking awful. while my back was turned for 5 seconds i still kinda blame my bf. we have this talk all the time that he needs to get off his phone and watch sophia. he was on one bed with her too. you should have seen her. “well she was ontop of the pillow she was fine” um no. the pillow was the barricade. so the rule is no matter what sophia can’t be on the bed unsupervised. even with barricades of stuffed animals and pillows. it use to work but now she’s all over the place. it broke my heart and i cried. luckily she is resilient and stopped crying pretty fast. she clung on to me tightly tho for a good while. :( i had a bad feeling that would happen that day for some reason. 

then our power goes out cuz of the hurricane that’s hitting the other side. so we lose power and decide to go to breakfast with sophia. luckily it came back on when we finished eating. we get to the dinner at 530 & none of his friends he invited show up for like 45 mins. so he’s upset cuz we asked for a table for 6. so he felt bummed. turns out they were all running late but they made it. i was worried the entire dinner cuz i had a curfew of 8pm. needed to get back to sophia to bathe her by 8. had to tell my mom we’d be back at 830 instead because the lateness and when we got to order our dinner. my bro calls me at 730 ready to pick us up i’m like “it’s only 730 and i’m eating i just got my dinner” he gets all mad and i hang up on him. he calls back and apologized saying he didn’t get the memo about picking me up at 8. so instead he said he’d pay for our uber. my bf is drunk by this point and im pretty sober. it’s his bday so i figured id let him do his drunken thing. but he now wants to go to the bar for one drink….. uhhhh. one drink never happens. so i’m looking at the time constraintly worrying we’d be late. didn’t wanna disappoint my mom for one after my own drunken fiascos in the recent past. more importantly i wanted to give sophia her bath on time. so it’s 815 and we finally leave. thankfully the bar is close as fuck. so we get there and we order 2 beers and he gets his second shot ugh. i ordered a Lyft right when we got there. downed my beer and dragged him out of there. so we got home at 840. he’s all drunk and falling over, knocking stuff down and then decided to get in sophia’s crib. ?????????? i was so pissed off cuz i’m trying to get sophia her bath and go to bed and he’s fucking up her crib. he annoyed me so much i hate being the sober one. i hate being around drunk people so much. i felt like i was babysitting 2 babies. but it was his bday so i couldn’t really hate. told him the next day how he was acting and he said he was super embarrassed. we both agreed NO more shots for either of us. cuz he finally saw it how i felt.  it feels like you’re being roofied and you are just way drunk more than you’d think. i use to do shots fine a few years ago but i think getting older just can’t handle much. also i was pregnant before so my body is definitely different in ways i can take alcohol. i feel i get drunk faster now a days. so yea that day wasn’t my fave. 

hair appt today at 130

photo dump

 

battle of the ac begins again

gave Abilify a week so far & the first day i took it i didn’t think i was gonna make it thru the day. it was awful. i was SO tired. i felt so drugged up, like i took 15 benadryls. so i decided to start with half of the pill at night and it helped. i’m still tired in the morning but it’s so much better than taking it in the morning. one more week in it and i go back to the psychiatrist to see how it’s going.

battle of the AC begins again………. 🙄 this thing i will call her a thing cuz she’s not human. she’s more like a shell. nothing upstairs but a program. so the battle started again when she started to put the temp to 79fuckingF. so it feels like 80F in the house. my brother said it feels like someone is pumping hot air into the rooms. so he went i see and she had set it to 79F. so he turned it to 77F. she doesn’t even realize it for a day and it felt amazing in the house. she realized it the following day and turned it back to 79F. so my mom turns it back to 78F which is what it has been finalized on for months. 78F is okay. that one degree up difference makes a huge change honestly. so then she puts it back to 79F. i test this to make sure she is indeed the one changing it to 79 and its not programmed (😉)   which i knew it wasnt but wanted the proof. so i have set the Ring camera out there ti see if she changes it. she does. set it back to 79. when she went outside i changed it back to 78. she came in 10-15 mins later and walks by it and looks, changes it AGAIN on camera in an angry way. 15 mins later she goes by it and checks just to make sure it wasnt touched again. so she’s on camera analyzing it for 5 seconds to make sure no one changed it. fucking freak, dude. i justttt can’t. so i took the recordings of her doing so and sent them to my bf. he got mad and when he got home he told her to stop doing that. he said i pay extra for electricity so leave it alone at least on 78. that’s what we agreed on. she tried to bullshit and he said “see ya, we’re going to the store”. he cut her off immediately. 👍🏼 so we’ll see if she leaves it on 78. i can see her changing it when he goes back to work cuz she’s that insane. 

so some good news i’ve been looking forward to is that i have a hair appt on the 28th. i am gonna be getting a full highlight in Dec/Jan as a present since it’s gonna be about 300 bucks. doing the whole head costs so much but im due since ive been getting partials/mini partials. i also get to look forward to a new phone because my family has this plan that we get new phones once a year if we want. i could get a new one now but i don’t want another iphone. i hate iphone. i want a samsung again. i thought switching up to iphone would be a nice change but nah. samsung galaxy is where its at. so much more options, way more apps and free ones at that, total customization etc. so in waiting in the S25Ultra. my mom and sister are getting new phones now tho cuz they want the new iphones. 

my mom will be moving out in Oct. finally she gets to be free of this prison house. this evil spirited house. in happy for her cuz it’s been so shitty for her and well, all of us. my brother included with the cats. so my dad is still saying he’s giving her 4-6 grand (can’t remember) and she already has a couple grand saved up for getting the fuck out of here. she’s been looking at houses and i think tomorrow we are looking at a place. i’ll be coming over a lot during the day while my bf is at work. so i don’t have to be here with that old weirdo. i will be staying some tho cuz i will be revamping the rooms. sophia’s room, our room and our bathroom. can’t wait!!! i’ve been dying to move stuff and design. it’s important for me to do so it’s my therapy. it’s my outlet. haven’t been able to in 3 years. i’m dying. so ill be repainting the rooms. 

 

abilify

so i went to the psychiatrist and they prescribed me Abilify. i am not without fear tho because ive been on antipsychotic meds before and they fucked me up badly. i told her i didn’t want anything that caused weight gain. i have pcos and am pre diabetic. she said it won’t cause weight gain but when i google that shit people said they gained weight. but they seem to have gained weight from poor eating habits and the medication causing increased appetite. so i am worried about taking it but i need to give it a try and just keep on eating a healthy diet and taking my walks with sophia and my mom every day. i read someone said their psychiatrist explained that its not increasing appetite but causing them to be more thirsty. so people eat and eat and don’t feel full cuz they really need to be drinking a lot of water. the mind tricks you into thinking you’re hungry and still hungry but you’re not. so i’m gonna try and keep that in mind while taking this. so i basically blamed everything on bfs mom. which is true. if she were t around, i wouldn’t be in this predicament. i’ll always have mania and bipolar problems from time to time but she’s causing the episodes to come about due to the stress she’s not only causing me, but causing my bf and everyone else here. 

so tomorrow i am picking up my medication and im gonna start it. nervous but willing to try to start feeling okay. my mom told me she’s still looking for a 3 bedroom she’s decided cuz she feels i won’t be able to last here. i’ll keep trying and keep trying to bully my way around here but if it’s taking too much of a stressful toll on me i gotta go. it’s not healthy for me which means it’s not healthy for my baby.  like, christ i can’t even let her walk around in her walking chair. this is such an important time in her life. it’s so important and this bitch can’t let go of a stupid, dirty, ugly fucking rug because she has to have it her way not our way. so my bf is gonna just take the rug out one night he said this weekend. you know what too… if she buys another one just to put back to spite us, i will fucking tell her off and i’ll leave and stay with my mom. end of story. it’s too fucking much now. that’s just sick, bratty, shitty, selfish behavior coming from a 70- something year old bat. i just can’t anymore. watching sophia use her walker and walk out of the room today and follow me to the bathroom in it broke my heart again. she needs roaming space. she needs it to grow. she needs this. all i asked for was a square area for her that we wanna block off and this bitch had to act like this. it’s absolutely sickening. so i’ve decided too that im not gonna let her ruin my days anymore. i’ve spent too much time harping on her and shit she does. it’s making me hateful and angry. i don’t wanna be like her. to her low level. sitting there in the dark harping and hating while listening to brainwashing bullshit. after coming back from the dr today i felt like i might be getting some where. some where positive i hope. trying everything for sophia. she needs her parents to be happy and full of fun. i will do anything for my baby. she’s so funny i love her. stop i’m emotional. 

psych appt

psychiatrist appt tomorrow at 9. i can’t take it anymore and need to do something. i’m so stressed out and struggling with the constant drama here. 

so finally got him to move that bookshelf. so here is what i’ve been asking for daily. i want the bookshelf moved over by the door area to make a wall so that it creates a big square. table plushed back as well to create more space in this square. his mom decided to put a big rug out there. i don’t want a rug out there. it defeats the purpose of that space for sophia being used so she can use her walker and learn mobility. his mom says she needs to crawl first. bf said that it’s not up to her or him. it’s up to her mom (me). so i don’t want the rug there. he told her that and what does she do? she puts it down anyways. not only is that rude to your son who is trying to make space for his baby to learn walking but it’s just down right nasty. he told her i wanted it gone and she has to be a bitch and put it there right after he said not to cuz i don’t want it there and she doesn’t wanna move it. “i like it there. i like it there” it’s literally dealing with a child. so he tells me the rug is still there but there is a pathway to the kitchen for sophia. i go look out there and i am almost in tears. it’s just so fucking insulting. the rug is still taking up the entire space i asked for so sophia can roam in her walker and other mobile toys. “but she needs to learn to crawl first”. bitch fuck you. seriously. she couldn’t sacrifice that space for sophia. it has to be all about her and her way. she claims she’s so adamant about her crawling but then why is your response “i like it there. i like it that way”? cuz sophia crawling your excuse to get away with getting what you want cuz we were changing it up and you didn’t like that. you feel like you’re losing control so you have to make control over something. that’s what it is with this hag. i’m seriously so done with her. like. i told my bf i’ve made the decision to tell my mom to get a 3 bedroom house cuz this house is no place for sophia to grow. even the area isn’t baby proofed. the hag left out all kinds of shit and tried to half ass “barricade” off part of that area. with her shitty hoarding junk. it’s so absolutely disgusting. she is disgraceful. nasty person. 

so i went on a manic episode today after that. i lost it in the car today and some some horrible things to my bf and about his mom. just absolutely cruel shit. when i get this way i will find anything mean to say that’s absolutely awful. i want to destroy. i went off. during these episodes its like i have a circle around me and i can’t see anything beyond that circle. i don’t care about consequences, i don’t care about feelings, i just react and explode. well it happened and my bfs response was “you seriously need help”. so here i am. psych appt at 9 but still i stand by everything i said. 

his mom is just so awful. like im struggling here to focus on important stuff because i zone out and just harp and hate. i don’t want that for sophia. i don’t want this old bitch to do this to me. i want to forget her and be happy with my baby. but im so stressed. so so stressed. my baby needs space. she needs room to walk. i can’t do this to her. my bf said the rug will be gone and he’ll just take it away and put it in his vehicle or something so she can’t get to it again. i said she’ll just get a new one. but he’s gonna make it be gone in the next two days. i was so mad at first that he didn’t step up and just make a huge deal. but now i just feel bad. i feel so bad she’s causing everyone so much stress that he just didn’t wanna deal with her. she was being that much of a baby about the fucking rug that he had to call it quits for the day cuz he’s exhausted. that makes me sick and sad. his mom is no mom. she can’t sacrifice anything for her son. she has to belittle him and put the rug down anyway after he said not to. it’s absolutely sick. but what to do you expect from a moron who fell for scientology and is still in a cult state of mind to this day. 

but here’s where it gets weird. she gets weird. she said to him the other day “don’t be surprised if they turn on you too”. like what? she’s paranoid that my family is after her and against her. she seems to think that my mom is the instigator and all of us are against her. well bitch, gonna break this down for you. IM the instigator. i tell my family how you bully me here and how you become a victim to your son to get your way. now they see it. i never liked you so i never turned on you. i never liked you. and i never fucking will. in de t i want you to stay away from my baby. that’s right bitch that’s MY doing. MY say. my family hates how you treat me here secretly. we’d never ever turn in Joe because we love him. he’s part of our family. you’re not. you are nothing to me or them. we love your son  you’re the one that ruined it all. you ruined it for yourself. it’s what i wanna say to her. like look in the mirror. self reflect. ever think hmmmm maybe, just maybe it’s you. you run everyone away. you have no friends cuz you drive them away? maybe? trying to tell your son that we might turn against him. sick. paranoid, delusional, bad hearted old hag. 

i’m so mad inside still over this whole thing. i’m so stressed out. i’m so tired. i’m so hateful and i don’t want this. it’s not healthy for my baby and my outbursts aren’t either. so hopefully i can get some help tomorrow or at least get the ball rolling for some kind of mental health cuz i can’t do this

so mad last night. bf had a show and my mom agreed to watch sophia. her and my sister dropped me off at the show and watched sophia for the rest of the day. i have anxiety as usual right off the bat. my bf gets a text and needs to leave right away to start settting up. he gets up and just starts going. i expect him to make sure im there and get me seat in a comfortable spot. i’ve always had bfs in bands do this. my ex bf ryan even sat me down and made sure i was okay. this one? after 5 years? nah. he gets up, walks off and i follow him out like a puppy trying to catch up and there’s a lot of people so i get a little behind. he gets on the stage and starts doing whatever so i am standing at the front of the show awkwardly trying to figure where to stand cuz i did not feel comfortable in the front of everyone. i stood behind his singer and his quiet gf and finally the band before starts. a mosh starts up and they start crashing into me. so i look over and see my bf in the loading dock texting. never mind me. he doesn’t even know i exist anymore at that point. so i go in the back alone. i walk thru all the people and go stand alone in the back. there’s a fan there blowing my skirt around but my anxiety is bad and idk where to stand. so i move a little away from the fan. now im in the way of the door and people coming in and out. finally i say fuck this and go inside i find a table to sit at alone in the back and sit there. it takes my bf 15-20 mins to realize im gone. he’s texting me asking where i am. i see my friend/his band mates gf come over to me and then im fine cuz.m i’m not alone. so we get a beer and chat. hung with her and got drunk with her. so i give my bf attitude a lot over the next hour. i get mad again cuz i was supposed to be home at 7pm and it was 6:57pm. arguments break loose in the car. i started to TRY to tell him how i felt and how uosi was he just kinda left me hanging all alone. says he wasn’t leaving me and gaslighting me. i get so mad. we get home and his mom already starts with shit. 

so his mom keeps buying sophia stuff that she can’t use yet or stuff i just don’t wanna use. she keeps buying shit and makes me feel obligated to use it cuz oh nooooo.  if we don’t she gets all mad and offended. yet SHE buys this shit without asking and gets mad if we don’t jump for joy over it or don’t want it. so she makes some passive aggressive comment over it for whatever reason i don’t remember or care. she’s like “well i guess i just wasted money then”. my bf finally snaps back over her passive bullshit. slams the door on his way to put sophia in the car to go to the store for dinner. she makes a comment like “wowwww” cuz he was slamming the door. and i got mad and i snapped and made a comment too about the stupid swing she bought. i wasn’t nice either. sophia is screaming so we bring her back in and give her a bath instead. argued again. 

he talks to my mom while i go to make bottles (i was standing in the door way to listen first) and he was taking about me needing help and being manic etc this is true. so they talk about it and by time i come back the conversation is calmed down. i am calmed down. we’re okay again. i just go to bed with sophia cuz deep down i was still upset. kinda drunk and tired from. lot of missed sleep lately. the last outing was way better than this one. he has a show today again that i am not going to. 

so ranting about the mom again. yesterday we took sophia’s walker outside so she can roam around in it. the stupid rug the mom put out there doesn’t let her walk in her walker. i’ve said this many times. the rug needs to goooooo. of course the mom is all mad and making this ugly rug a big deal cuz it’s herrrr idea and we don’t need or want it. so because she’s soooo nice and does such nice things like putting a rug we don’t want out there so sophia can crawl around. mind you this is a dirty add rug she never got cleaned. she just grabbed it from somewhere in the house and put it there. she’s all offended already. she comes out there while we are watching sophia use her walker outside. the mom immediately makes comments that were passive aggressive being against the walker.  she continues to make comments that you can just feel are off. so i go inside cuz she’s annoying me already, to get a cloth to wipe sophia’s nose. she’s still kinda stuffy. i come back and hear the mom say “well crawling is important and they say they need to crawl before they walk”. apparently my mom told her she can’t walk in her walker in that rug. the mom goes “welllll i knowwww thatttt” in a nasty tone. she’s soooooooo offended we don’t want this fucking rug. always a big deal with this hag. a normal person would add the rug and if the rug wasn’t wanted would say “oh okay no problem i just thought she’d need it for crawling” by the way is UNTRUE. crawling is not considered a milestone anymore. as long as babies can get to things they want to get by rolling, scooting etc then they’re good. also tons of babies skip crawling. sophia is all over the place and walking in a walker now. but anyway nope. she has to fight about it and get all offended. STOP DOING THINGS WE DINT ASK FOR AND THEN GET OFFENDED AND PISSED OFF WHEN WE DKNT WANT IT

she keeeeeps doing this. keeps buying sophia shit and making me feel obligated to use it. i’m sick of it. fucking sick of it and sick of her. just fuck off. leave me and my baby alone. she’s just such a bitch about everything instead of including me and asking first 

7 mo. sleep regression?

so she’s not sleeping. after bath time she goes to sleep for about 45 mins and wakes up. doesn’t go to sleep til 12am-1am. fighting sleep, kicking, whining, playing or crying. she has her first cold ever and has been dealing with stuffy/runny nose for about 3-4 days now so maybe that’s part of it. just sucks cuz by the time she goes to bed it’s time for me to go to bed and i have no time to myself. i hope this regression ends soon and she’s back to sleeping regular.

so something ELSE died behind the cabinets cuz now we’re dealing with more gnats every where and it smells bad in the kitchen. can’t these cheap motherfuckers/freaks just get an exterminator. no. cheap and weird. i just keep having this anger that this bitch who sits on a lot of money and buys stupid bullshit guilts her son into paying extra for electricity when he has a family to support. we are signed up for WIC for christ sake. she guilts him about electric bill so he tells me “i’ll give her extra money so she’ll shut up”. like, what a bitch seriously. you have money. you constantly buy crap from yard sales and thrift stores to fill up your hoarder house and buy 20k worth of gold. ?????????? fucking freak, dude. the. bitches about bills and turns the lights off constantly and makes a big, bratty deal about me leaving them on for more than 15 mins. shit just pisses me off, man. it’s just greed. his mom is greedy. moneymoneymoney my house my house my house mineminemine. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 i am trying to make it here but it’s so hard. i’m going to give a year and if things don’t change im moving out with my family. my family is finally leaving here and going to be moved sometime around october. i wanna go with them but i also want my baby to have both parents. where we live together a family. just need to make changes happen or else im gone and taking sophia to live some where thats not hoarded up, dark, depressing and dusty. 

so my bf talked to her about moving things around so my baby can have more space to roam cuz it’s not cutting it back here in this room anymore. i told him sternly on a daily basis you need to TELL her we’re doing this. sophia needs to be able to use her walker and her toys that get her mobile. she’s already so hard to contain now cuz she just wants to go all over the place. so she agreed to move things around this weekend. what does she do? she brings out this old, ugly, dusty ass rug she had lying around somewhere and put it where i want space for baby. i don’t want rugs. i want floor so she can use her walker and stuff. so this is what’ll happen- she’ll be told we don’t want the rug and she’ll go off and get offended how “everything i do isn’t enough for anyone” “no one is appreciative”. she keeps doing these “helpful” 😒 things that i don’t even ask for! i never asked her to do that. she just does things and half asses it. like how about talk to me and ask me if i want a rug out there for sophia. it’s frustrating cuz it’s always something. always. so now we gotta tell her i don’t want a rug out there and she’ll get offended. i just want the stupid bookshelf moved, baby proof and get rid of all your crap, push that ugly dinner table back since mother fuckers are

too lazy to get rid of it and get a baby gate to gate off the rest of the house. simple. all i’m asking.  nothing more and nothing less. i wish she’d stop just doing shit cuz she wants to. like is it cuz you are losing control because your son told you we are moving it and you have to control something about the situation? i just don’t get it. it’s always half assed too like you grab a dusty old rug you had lying around and threw it on the ground and not even in a place the makes sense you just put it randomly there. not looking to get a new, nice one? it’s always “this’ll do”…just so bazaar to me. i told my bf of this and he got rude about it cuz he’s tired of going back and forth, being the mediator. i get it. but be a man and deal with it. it’s your fucking lousy mom and me and baby are your priority. maybe tell your mom to stop interjecting herself into every situation. 

just move your shit out of here. so i also see she’s moving things out of this cabinet in the kitchen i have been saying i want for baby stuff for a while. he’s never told her so it’s interesting she knew that particular cabinet is the one i wanted cleared. i swear she eavesdrops all the time. so she clears it out… kinda. there’s still her christmas garbage in there plus some other bs. if you’re gonna give me that cabinet then give me that cabinet. again, always half assing everything and can’t give up anything completely. greed. all i’m asking for is a whole, small cabinet for just my baby’s things. not your stupid junk. clear it ALL out out don’t bother cuz it just keeps feeling insulting. 

baby did not go to sleep last night. took an early bath, fell asleep, woke an hour later and didn’t sleep til 12:30am. she’s been congested pretty badly and coughing. but she has this fake cough she always does so it’s hard to tell if it’s real or fake. i hope she’s not getting sick that scares me so bad. i know my brother is feeling a throat and nose thing coming in from someone at his work. i hope baby isn’t getting it. i hope i don’t get it. how awful feeling sick as fuck and having to take care of baby instead of resting. then her being sick on top of it please no. 

i just feel so bothered by something i reposted on tiktok. i usually repost stuff on my tiktok so bf will see it cuz he usually sees my reposts at work. so this tiktok was this girl complaining about how being a mom is so unfair a lot of the time. when it comes to the fathers they get to just live life as normal. they get to continue with their life with no change. where as the mother always has to be like “can you watch the baby so i can go do such and such?” “are you gonna. e able to watch the baby so i can go do this and that?”. the father is just “im gonna go do this.” “i have this to do so ill be gone”. examples coming up with me is when i have a hair appt i have to ask about him watching her and scheduling specific days to make hair appts. or “can you watch her i need to shower it’s been a few days” is the worst. he has a ton of shows coming up this month and he just goes “so we’re playing a show…” tells me he’s playing these many shows. instead of asking he just goes and gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. it’s so unfair as moms. so the girl in the tiktok was so valid. it is unfair.