sad

i’m still feeling so torn. i’m so damn depressed here. i hate living in a hoarder house. i hate it so much. after taking pics of the spaces his mom “gave” me and “cleared out” for me it really shows just how pathetic, zero effort and down right insulting this is. these pics that show the red areas i marked are the areas i was allowed to have. posting and documenting this in case. 

the red is what i was given and it sickens me the more i realize just how shitty that is. i’m suppose to call this my house to according to my bf but i literally have nothing. 

all the pastel shit is mine when i made myself space and she was furious about it. this house is so cluttered full of useless shit. it’s such a waste of a nice house. the more and more i’m here the more i hate it and feel like i can’t deal with it. 

i’m feeling extremely depressed. every time i go out anywhere i dread coming back. i hate being here so much. my bf just doesn’t get it. doesn’t understand. i just don’t know what to do. i wanna live with him and have our little family but god it’s so awful here. he still isn’t understanding when i say his mom makes it uncomfortable here. he just tells me she won’t bother me. but he doesn’t understand that after being treated the way ive been treated by her in such a sneaky way it makes it hard to walk past her. it feels like im always sensing hostility from her. she won’t ever act it out right. but it’s deep down. she’ll be passive aggressive and if you called her out on it she’d act like she wasn’t. act as if she has no idea what you’re talking about. 

but my mom called it. she’s a communal narcissist. i don’t know what to do but she’s just so shitty to live around. i feel so lost and sad. dread every day my bf goes to work. i feel like my brain is just always harping on her and how much i hate her and hate it here. she makes me feel so much negativity and i don’t like it. i wanna be happy i wanna feel comfortable. i just don’t know what to do unless i move out. i’ll be sad cuz my little family i’ve made is being torn apart but id be so much more comfortable. i wanna stop documenting this bs but it’s my life right now. it’s just bad right now. i wish he’d understand. he just doesn’t and won’t. like having underlying drama with someone and that someone acts like it didn’t happen and tries to act normal around you but it’s this tension going on. it’s just so weird. like so okay, i cleaned the fridge and threw out all that shit. she digs thru the trash, gets it all out and puts it back in the fridge. is so mad and spiteful about it but says absolutely nothing about it to me. then comes around me when i’m giving sophia a bath and makes comments all “happy” and looks at me for confirmation. like??? what is this. we just had serious issue and you’re acting as if it didn’t just happen. THATS SO WEIRD dude. like it makes things very uncomfortable cuz she acts all “nice” but you know she’s seething inside. i don’t like that shit. i rather her come out and say it. say you’re mad. it’s so weird she does this. she also always says stuff and looks at me to see how i’ll react. i have peripheral vision. i never ever look at her. i never talk to her either. i won’t acknowledge that crazy bitch. she just wants that approval and validation. ~*i’m so kind and positive and giving. i do so much for people. *~* *i need validation*~* sick of it. i wish my posts weren’t 90% about her and this stupid house but it’s what i’m dealing with and how i feel. hopefully one day things will be better but im not counting on that with the way things are going. 

i just try to focus on sophia every day but her living here doesn’t seem good for a baby to grow. when i looked at my baby in her little seat in the middle of the house when the mom was gone it just depressed me. seeing my baby in a dark, cluttered, dusty ass house full of junk. sophia needs lights, brightness, happy living space. she needs life.