big talk

since the mom was gone i decided to clean out the fridge here. ommmmggggg. it was SO disgusting i gagged like 5 different times and had to take breaks cuz it was so fucking gross. i’ve never seen a fridge so filled with expired shit, caked in food,  fly and just what the fuck ever else. it was so fucking bad i am traumatized and i will no longer be able to use that scent of Clorox wipes again. how do people live like that? it’s shameful. i threw away 2 of these spinning circle things cuz they took up so much room and pissed me off. i left one at least since the mom is already going to have a melt down. i’m sure she’ll be mad that i cleared the fridge and threw away her shit. it needed to be done so badly. i swear if she buys more of those spinning circle things and puts them in i’ll be furious. the fridge looks so fucking good now. some parts needs replaced but i worked my ass off cleaning it out. i took out all the shelves and scrubbed them, the drawers and everything. 

god it looks so good now. even sophia is impressed. she watched me do it

 

unfortunately she comes back today 😒 i’m sure she’d gonna have something to say about me cleaning it out. but who knows maybe she’ll appreciate it but i doubt it. it’s like walking on egg shells around that bitch you never know if she’s gonna be negative and mad or what. weirdo. unstable for sure as we know. i just wish she’d stay away. it was amazinggggggg without her here. as i said previously, the energy is so much more light and free. when she’s back it’s like tip toe around the house, stay out of site, negativity in the air. bad vibes all around. 

my mom and my brother were really grilling me about deciding if i wanna move in with them or not. he was saying i really need to think about my options and what’s best for sophia. cuz living here, i hide in the bedroom all the time until my bf gets home. i can’t keep sophia in this room anymore, she’s getting older and more mobile, alert and wants to do things. i can’t keep her captive in here. i also can’t bring her out there cuz the house is so gross and filled with useless shit, dusty, dirty, dark and depressing. there are tons of trinkets all around like everywhere you go. this is a hoarding home. there are levels of hoarding and this is considered hoarding. the mom keeps buying junk and placing it places where ever it fits. no rhyme or reason just buys and places. it’s a nightmare and if she can’t change that and get rid of shit that is accessible to my baby then sophia cannot live here. which means i’ll have to move out when my family does. the mom wants me to kiss her ass because she gave me the tiniest amount of space in places. it’s really sad and feels like a slap in the face to me. “oh here i cleared this corner of the kitchen for you. oh i cleared a tiny spot for you in the cabinet” like???? i’m a mother to your sons baby. i live here and that’s the best you can do? the reply would probably be “well there’s just so much stuff there’s not a lot of room” yea well fucking clear it out, it’s all junk, get rid of it. make spaces for sophia to have her things. see what i mean? this house isn’t going to be 

a place to raise my baby. unless things change. but i don’t have much time. they’re moving out in a couple months and i need to make a decision if im moving with them or not. cuz they won’t look for a 3 bedroom if not. i just am so torn. i want to be here with my bf and my baby as a family. but that mom really just doesn’t seem to let that happen and my bf doesn’t seem to step up and make it happen and say too bad. 

like, is my bf okay living like this? for however many more years til the mom dies? i can’t live like this. this room isn’t even adult couples bedroom. it’s got stupid guitars all over the walls. like i feel i am just unhappy and i don’t feel a change happening. i just can’t imagine living this way with my baby for another 5-10 years. absolutely not. 😔 

sophia is in a phase now where she’s screaming. screaming her head off and it sounds brutal. every night after her bath, she’s screaming. last night was bad. normally after i pick her up she stops. last night that was not the case. she screamedddddd i didn’t know what to do she was screaming in my face and ear. i broke down crying. it was a lot emotionally to handle. cuz i’m like what hurts? are in in pain? is it your belly? your private? cuz it’s always after her bath i’m thinking UTI. idk her teeth??? i finally walked out of the room with her and she stopped. i’m sure it’ll happen again tonight