so today my sister and i took sophia out. i needed to practice getting her in and out of my car so i can start taking her out alone. my car being a 2 door makes things so hard so i practiced today. basically i have to put sophia in the back seat of the car, then climb in myself to put her in the car seat. to get her out of the car i had to climb back there again and get her out of the car seat, sit her up in the passenger seat, climb out and come back around to get her. it’s such a process. i might try to get the car seat out first then put her in the seat out of the car, then put her in. it’s just so hard cuz she’s so heavy and when she’s in the car seat it’s really hard. so maybe i won’t always go into stores. but well at least drive around so i can get out of this life sucking house. we put her in the front seat of the cart as well for the first time cuz we got this cart cover for babies and she really liked it. at least today she did. no crying at all in the store. 

she’s so cute 😭 tomorrow her inflatable seat comes so that i can easily sit her in it if i have to go to the bathroom or anything. it also self inflates and can even float in the pool with her sitting in it. it’s a pretty cool thing for 25 bucks. 

so i went to primary care dr yesterday and not sure how i’m feeling about this lady. she’s nice but she recommended me go to new horizons. that place is awful and will baker act you at the drop of a hat. my mom also said it’s like the mcdonald’s of psychiatrists. so it’s off putting she recommended me go there when everyone seems to know it’s shitty. but they’ll accept anyone maybe is why. cuz finding a psychiatrist that take your insurance and are accepting new patients is apparently hard. she ordered me to do blood work but if i’m not going to keep going to her idk if i’ll bother until i find a diff dr. she also is mostly a dr for old people. she told me she was surprised to have a young, healthy patient cuz she never gets those. so i kinda wanna go some where else. at least she wrote the referral and filled my script. i had to call back tho cuz she didn’t ask me where to send the referral so i had to tell them. i hope the podiatrist got the referral so i don’t get charged full. might have to call to make sure it got faxed. 

finding dr is so hard. especially when i had the best dr ever for so many years since i was a teenager. she would write me anything i needed. no problem what so ever. adderall and klonopin were my meds she wrote for me until her group decided they didn’t want to write them anymore. so i have to find a psychiatrist for all that and then it’s hard to even get it again. even tho i took it for so long. i’m so depressed but i don’t want mood stabilizing drugs. idk what to do but the primary care told me im more complex than she usually handles. she handles stuff like prozac and easy drugs.  she asked me if i wanted her to write me anything like that and i said no cuz they all don’t work for me. i’m either too numb or they heightens mania. i prob do need a stabilizer again but they cause weight gain and hair loss and whatever else that freaks me out. idk but ill still look for a psych and new primary i guess 

stressful day

so i was supposed to have a primary care appointment today to get my referral for podiatrist, referral for psychiatrist and updated check up to refil meds and what not. well it didn’t happen. so i finally started my period yesterday and it’s bad. it took the whole month of not coming to the point where i was paranoid about being pregnant again. i took test and it was obviously negative (thank god) but still no sign of it. i did read that your period isn’t regulated for a long time after you give birth. so it finally came and today it was messy. of course on my way out the door the my appointment that i was late going to. no more tampons in the bathroom and no time to stop before the appointment. so i’m paranoid because it is messy this month. like crime scene messy. so i have no time, im filled up and have no other protection. we finally drive far to the appt only to be at the wrong fucking address. we drove all the way deep in stuart for nothing. so i called the place and ask if they can still see me or should i reschedule but the phone disconnected. i think the front desk hung up on me on accident. i was close enough anyway so i just went inside. the girl said she told me on the phone not to come cuz i can’t be seen today. in like ? well i didn’t hear that it disconnected 🙄 so i couldn’t be seen cuz i was too late for no reason except stupid us for not looking up proper directions to this place. so i had to reschedule and come in tomorrow at 11am. so we’re in bed early tonight so i don’t miss this time. she gave me papers to fill out and i noticed my info being so old. i haven’t been seen my this place YEARS. i stopped coming after my fave, long time doctor moved on. so they had my old email address from AOL and my last address. 

so tomorrow i’m gonna ask for the podiatrist referral so i can fax them it and i won’t be charged for it. i also need a referral for a psychiatrist asap. i am not doing well mentally. not being here anyway isn’t helping. i truly believe if i didn’t have to live like this i’d be totally okay. but his mom and the house just suck the life out of me. i need medicines to help me cuz i can’t do this. 

took sophia in the pool today and she finally got to use her floating raft thing. she loved it and had such a good time. ^u^ she’s so cuuuuuute 

i’m having a hard time getting her to stay asleep in her crib. she’ll take naps in there fine. at night, it’s so bad. she’ll pass out and then the moment i lay her on her own mattress she wakes up. then i put her back in our bed and she falls right asleep. ??? what to do? the first time she slept in her crib i got such amazing sleep. i wasn’t hanging at the edge of the bed like usual cuz she takes up the bed space and pushes me off. i had gotten great, spacious sleep. now she’s bad in bed next to me and i am not feeling like my sleep will be great. i really need to figure it out she needs to sleep on her own. it’s just i don’t wanna play the up and down game where she cries and i have to keep getting up to soothe her. when she sleeps in our bed next to me she seems to sleep til morning. sigh i need her to learn tho so i can have my space of the bed. but hey at least her selfie game is getting better 

today wasn’t 100% bad, we did get ice cream today and bf was disappointed he spent 12 bucks on a small hello kitty keychain i conned him into buying lol. honestly if i knew it were that expensive for that thing i would have said never mind but he said she rang it up and that’s how he found out the price. oop. 

this is how i feel most days

sad

i’m still feeling so torn. i’m so damn depressed here. i hate living in a hoarder house. i hate it so much. after taking pics of the spaces his mom “gave” me and “cleared out” for me it really shows just how pathetic, zero effort and down right insulting this is. these pics that show the red areas i marked are the areas i was allowed to have. posting and documenting this in case. 

the red is what i was given and it sickens me the more i realize just how shitty that is. i’m suppose to call this my house to according to my bf but i literally have nothing. 

all the pastel shit is mine when i made myself space and she was furious about it. this house is so cluttered full of useless shit. it’s such a waste of a nice house. the more and more i’m here the more i hate it and feel like i can’t deal with it. 

i’m feeling extremely depressed. every time i go out anywhere i dread coming back. i hate being here so much. my bf just doesn’t get it. doesn’t understand. i just don’t know what to do. i wanna live with him and have our little family but god it’s so awful here. he still isn’t understanding when i say his mom makes it uncomfortable here. he just tells me she won’t bother me. but he doesn’t understand that after being treated the way ive been treated by her in such a sneaky way it makes it hard to walk past her. it feels like im always sensing hostility from her. she won’t ever act it out right. but it’s deep down. she’ll be passive aggressive and if you called her out on it she’d act like she wasn’t. act as if she has no idea what you’re talking about. 

but my mom called it. she’s a communal narcissist. i don’t know what to do but she’s just so shitty to live around. i feel so lost and sad. dread every day my bf goes to work. i feel like my brain is just always harping on her and how much i hate her and hate it here. she makes me feel so much negativity and i don’t like it. i wanna be happy i wanna feel comfortable. i just don’t know what to do unless i move out. i’ll be sad cuz my little family i’ve made is being torn apart but id be so much more comfortable. i wanna stop documenting this bs but it’s my life right now. it’s just bad right now. i wish he’d understand. he just doesn’t and won’t. like having underlying drama with someone and that someone acts like it didn’t happen and tries to act normal around you but it’s this tension going on. it’s just so weird. like so okay, i cleaned the fridge and threw out all that shit. she digs thru the trash, gets it all out and puts it back in the fridge. is so mad and spiteful about it but says absolutely nothing about it to me. then comes around me when i’m giving sophia a bath and makes comments all “happy” and looks at me for confirmation. like??? what is this. we just had serious issue and you’re acting as if it didn’t just happen. THATS SO WEIRD dude. like it makes things very uncomfortable cuz she acts all “nice” but you know she’s seething inside. i don’t like that shit. i rather her come out and say it. say you’re mad. it’s so weird she does this. she also always says stuff and looks at me to see how i’ll react. i have peripheral vision. i never ever look at her. i never talk to her either. i won’t acknowledge that crazy bitch. she just wants that approval and validation. ~*i’m so kind and positive and giving. i do so much for people. *~* *i need validation*~* sick of it. i wish my posts weren’t 90% about her and this stupid house but it’s what i’m dealing with and how i feel. hopefully one day things will be better but im not counting on that with the way things are going. 

i just try to focus on sophia every day but her living here doesn’t seem good for a baby to grow. when i looked at my baby in her little seat in the middle of the house when the mom was gone it just depressed me. seeing my baby in a dark, cluttered, dusty ass house full of junk. sophia needs lights, brightness, happy living space. she needs life. 

nightmare fuel

it’s been a little bit rough with baby cuz she screams still. fussy and moody on and off and hard to get her to bed at night. not enjoying her bath seat now and. crying to get out of the tub quite quickly now. so we’re gonna bathe her in sink still in her old tub and let her play in the water in the bath seat in the bathroom. we’ll transition her slower. she lovessss puréed food. she loves green beans, pumpkin, apples, pears… she is so good at eating them. she doesn’t spit out the food or let it fall out she eats it as any person would. her appt is on the 6th of Aug so we’ll find out more about when to introduce solids and such. my tiny baby girl is not tiny anymore. she is growing up at almost 6 months old in 5 days 😭 

still got drama going on here but after finally having a good talk with bf about all of it i am hoping things will get better with his crazy mom. cuz i just can’t with the weirdness. it makes me uncomfortable being here and i don’t like feeling her spitefulness vibes cloud the house. my brother got the first job he applied for and starts the 5th. so happy for him cuz aside from him helping to move out he needs it. it’s important for him to have a life and get his life going. my dad comes down for my brothers bday aug 3rd and he and my mom are gonna go apartment hunting. after i told bf all this he got real scared of me moving out with them. he was begging me practically to stay here with him and baby girl. but i told him how uncomfortable i feel being around his mom (for the thousanth time) and that shit needs to change around here. i need more space. i’m not asKiNg To DeCoRaTtTe 🫨😵‍💫 i’m just asking for more space for bottles and formula. not the barely any room his mom cleared out for me in the cabinet lmao like what. “i cleared some space for you to put some things in” it’s not even the whole cabinet it’s a tiny front square of it. i can’t make this shit up. she thinks that’s giving me space……… naw you just don’t wanna give up anything of yours so you make zero effort. anyway ugh i’ll get started on a tangent. so shit needs to change. we need to change the room. we can’t live like this with 30 guitars on every wall. we need to downsize that shit and make the room suitable for a real couple. not look like a teenage boy room with his girlfriends stuff she brought over. we’re old ass adults now.  we gotta move on man. so he agreed. he’s willing to change and i told him the house needs to change as well. again not talking about the fucking antique shop going on in this house but like shits gotta go. things that sophia can reach when she’s mobile need to go in the trash or whatever. all this old hags trinkets and shit gottaaaa gooooo ✌🏼 

i told him if things don’t change or if im still just uncomfortable im gonna have to leave. i told him i don’t wanna live here like this for another 5-10 years while this bitch is still kickin’. nope. can’t live like this. cuz a huge part of me still wants to move with my family now cuz they’d let me decorate and use whatever i want. i wouldn’t ever feel uncomfortable going to get shit from the kitchen. i’ll be over my moms house more than likely every day while my bf is at work tho. cuz i don’t wanna stay here with that woman. it’s hard every day hiding in this room with a growing baby. so we’re going to get another base for one of the 2 car seats we have so i can leave here. it’s gonna suck cuz my car is a 2 door but ill make it work to leave here during the day. sophia needs to get out anyways. my mom also bought me one of those easy and cheap strollers to just fold up easy. i just hope shit gets better cuz my depression is doing no favors to my baby. i don’t want my sadness rubbing off on her where she feels it. i want her to grow up healthy mentally and happy. i love her so much and ill do anything for her to live a good, happy & healthy life. even if that meant moving out. so i hope shit changes. i really do. 

sophia moves to crib

today not bad. sophia was really good on our shopping and running errands day. we put her in stroller in walgreens. she was loud screaming with excitement. laughing and giggling. we got my bfs other daughter her bday gift of sophia printed up for her bday. 

the crib came today and bf and i put it together. was difficult cuz she was crying and screaming. wouldn’t sleep so had to take a couple breaks. i put her in her crib while she was awake and she fell asleep on her own. i hope she stays asleep cuz now i have to get up to soothe her back to sleep. honestly i miss her next to me :( i know babies aren’t supposed to have blankets until 1 y/o but i feel bad taking it from her. i let her sleep with it when next to me but in the crib idk. i pulled it down farther to avoid getting on her face. 

well yesterday didn’t go too well for about half of the day. i blew up and i cried. i was yelling about hating it here and how much i can’t stand his mom. i said how she’s a weirdo and such. i know she heard me cuz she was out there in the couch in silence as usual. so she hasn’t even tried to come around sophia or me. i was yelling at how i hate her around my baby cuz she said weird shit to her and is constantly passive aggressive. it was a big blow up. i was so frustrated because he isn’t listening. he isn’t caring. every time i told him why i hate it here and how i feel here inside every day being so uncomfortable around his mom. he got offended and made it about his feelings. the whole drama was over the fact i was going to move out of here when my family goes. i could tell he was just afraid and reacted angrily. my dad does that too. 

the evening progressed better and we took baby girl to the store to get food for everyone. the night was better and when sophia went to sleep we watched Pearl and chilled. i was so tired all day yesterday i was surprised i stayed awake til 1am.  sophia has a new bath seat now since she’s too big for the sink. she sits in it to keep her steady since she still needs help sitting up alone. it spins 360 too. she seemed to really like it. 

so i’m still unsure what to do here. guess i’ll just be uncomfortable being here cuz i can’t change how i feel. it’s always feeling uncomfortable going into the kitchen. i have to peak around all the time just to avoid his stupid mom. it sucks that he doesn’t seem to care enough about that. i don’t know if it’s him not caring or him not knowing what to do. he told me i need to talk to her like an adult instead of all this. but the one who doesn’t act like an adult is the nearly 80 year old trump worshipper in low farm girl pigtails. i just can’t. i don’t get why people don’t understand and accept me just not wanting to fucking talk. he said i don’t talk to her. unfortunately he is right i probably should. but i know it’ll get ugly and i know ill be cruel. and once again i just don’t wanna talk. i don’t wanna make friends. i don’t wanna chat here and there. i just wanna take care of sophia alone. i don’t want anyone around that isn’t my own family. even if i liked his mom i still wouldn’t be out there and talk. she always has to make comments how i never talk. yea cuz i am not nice. i don’t wanna talk. i’m anxious and wanna be alone. that’s why moving with my family is so tempting cuz they don’t care if i talk to them. we use to go in the kitchen and around the house and sometimes not say a fucking word all day to each other. no one cares. we’re all that way. we just do our own thing. i just never met someone so desperate for validation and conversation. yea it’s sad honestly but it just isn’t my problem. she wants to complain she’s lonely and no one talks to her and how bored she is every day. well go out and volunteer. go do something meaningful and make friends. she needs to get out and do something with her time instead of harping on me and my family not being besties with her. i think the occasional hello how ya doing is probably a nice thing to do but when i don’t like someone. it’s damn obvious. i cannot be nice to her ever because she completely ruined it for me. i use to try. i tried until she got weird and petty with me. it’s just too weird for me. i never liked her and there was that reason i guess i sensed. something about her wasn’t right. she’s narcissistic and childish. brainwashed and weird. now digging through our trash. i just can’t dude. i can’t. so idk what to do. 

i’m done

guess i’ve made the decision to not be here anymore. when we got home, his mom actually dug through the trash to get those circular things and put them back in the fridge. that’s. beyond. insane. she was mad. i’m done being uncomfortable here. i’m done not being able to do things i want. i’m tired of her. she’s weird. she’s a bitch and she is immature. mentally ill. i can’t handle it. 

so i tried to tell bf that. things aren’t going well. he’s blaming me and making it out to be as if im hurting his feelings. i looked at him in the face and said i love you but im miserable here around your mom. he’s offended. he left me here tonight to go to the bar…

i’m broken hearted. 

big talk

since the mom was gone i decided to clean out the fridge here. ommmmggggg. it was SO disgusting i gagged like 5 different times and had to take breaks cuz it was so fucking gross. i’ve never seen a fridge so filled with expired shit, caked in food,  fly and just what the fuck ever else. it was so fucking bad i am traumatized and i will no longer be able to use that scent of Clorox wipes again. how do people live like that? it’s shameful. i threw away 2 of these spinning circle things cuz they took up so much room and pissed me off. i left one at least since the mom is already going to have a melt down. i’m sure she’ll be mad that i cleared the fridge and threw away her shit. it needed to be done so badly. i swear if she buys more of those spinning circle things and puts them in i’ll be furious. the fridge looks so fucking good now. some parts needs replaced but i worked my ass off cleaning it out. i took out all the shelves and scrubbed them, the drawers and everything. 

god it looks so good now. even sophia is impressed. she watched me do it

 

unfortunately she comes back today 😒 i’m sure she’d gonna have something to say about me cleaning it out. but who knows maybe she’ll appreciate it but i doubt it. it’s like walking on egg shells around that bitch you never know if she’s gonna be negative and mad or what. weirdo. unstable for sure as we know. i just wish she’d stay away. it was amazinggggggg without her here. as i said previously, the energy is so much more light and free. when she’s back it’s like tip toe around the house, stay out of site, negativity in the air. bad vibes all around. 

my mom and my brother were really grilling me about deciding if i wanna move in with them or not. he was saying i really need to think about my options and what’s best for sophia. cuz living here, i hide in the bedroom all the time until my bf gets home. i can’t keep sophia in this room anymore, she’s getting older and more mobile, alert and wants to do things. i can’t keep her captive in here. i also can’t bring her out there cuz the house is so gross and filled with useless shit, dusty, dirty, dark and depressing. there are tons of trinkets all around like everywhere you go. this is a hoarding home. there are levels of hoarding and this is considered hoarding. the mom keeps buying junk and placing it places where ever it fits. no rhyme or reason just buys and places. it’s a nightmare and if she can’t change that and get rid of shit that is accessible to my baby then sophia cannot live here. which means i’ll have to move out when my family does. the mom wants me to kiss her ass because she gave me the tiniest amount of space in places. it’s really sad and feels like a slap in the face to me. “oh here i cleared this corner of the kitchen for you. oh i cleared a tiny spot for you in the cabinet” like???? i’m a mother to your sons baby. i live here and that’s the best you can do? the reply would probably be “well there’s just so much stuff there’s not a lot of room” yea well fucking clear it out, it’s all junk, get rid of it. make spaces for sophia to have her things. see what i mean? this house isn’t going to be 

a place to raise my baby. unless things change. but i don’t have much time. they’re moving out in a couple months and i need to make a decision if im moving with them or not. cuz they won’t look for a 3 bedroom if not. i just am so torn. i want to be here with my bf and my baby as a family. but that mom really just doesn’t seem to let that happen and my bf doesn’t seem to step up and make it happen and say too bad. 

like, is my bf okay living like this? for however many more years til the mom dies? i can’t live like this. this room isn’t even adult couples bedroom. it’s got stupid guitars all over the walls. like i feel i am just unhappy and i don’t feel a change happening. i just can’t imagine living this way with my baby for another 5-10 years. absolutely not. 😔 

sophia is in a phase now where she’s screaming. screaming her head off and it sounds brutal. every night after her bath, she’s screaming. last night was bad. normally after i pick her up she stops. last night that was not the case. she screamedddddd i didn’t know what to do she was screaming in my face and ear. i broke down crying. it was a lot emotionally to handle. cuz i’m like what hurts? are in in pain? is it your belly? your private? cuz it’s always after her bath i’m thinking UTI. idk her teeth??? i finally walked out of the room with her and she stopped. i’m sure it’ll happen again tonight 

sophia had a good day

took sophia to the fountains to watch other kids play. there were babies there too, most were walking. next time i wanna bring her in a swimsuit and a hat to sit in the water. she had so much fun watching all the kids there she was super lit. she was smiling and laughing. a couple babies that could talk and walk would point at her and say “baby” and wave at her. sophia was excited by that. it really was so happy seeing her excited. 

we were gonna take her to the kids museum but it was 10.00 a person. me and my bf took her months ago and walked right in. so we told them we’d get our wallet and we’d be back but psyche. we went to the fountains and honestly had a better time. 

my sister and i then stopped at the food truck and got lobster roll and mahi tacos. i gotta say that lobster rolls are over hyped and expensive. we went to grocery store so i could get my

bf and i dinner. we’re having salmon tonight. not the seafood lady coming to talk to sophia and saying to me “so you had your baby”. like ive walked past her so many times and even gotten seafood with sophia with us and she never said anything. 

baby girl was not having it when we got to grocery store she was screaming. she was screaming and crying and a lady came up and said “the most precious shopper around” and sophia “ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!” lmao. the lady thought she scared her but no sophia was just in a sour mood. 

the mom is gone for the weekend!!! it’s SO much brighter vibes now that she’s not here. it feels so much lighter in the air and like you aren’t too toeing around trying to get places in this house. it is such a different vibe i swear her negative and dark soulless self sucks the shine and energy from you. i wish she’d never come back but she’s only gone for the weekend. we can cook dinner tonight and turn the AC down, we can have fun and listen to music without her clomping around sophia and listening to that weird bullshit that’s negative. just positive vibes with my little family 

🖕🏼

this old bitch is just bat shit and spiteful i can’t. so this morning i was making coffee and the old hag had to walk in our bedroom “im gonna see what that baby is doing” im like “course you are” 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 so i go in there and she’s in the way and i walk over her all stomp like lol and she’s like “oh sorry” and i said nothing. THEN she’s talking to sophia and says “oh you can’t eat that. i’ll get in trouble”…!!!! this is the 3rd passive aggressive comment she’s made because we don’t want her fingers in our baby’s mouth. what the actual fuck. so fucking creepy why is she so hung up on being told not to do that?!?! freak.  i said “100%” out loud cuz im getting fed up. i can feel the breaking point coming thru where i tell her the fuck off. 

so today i saw this piece of plastic hanging from this tack in the kitchen by the sink. i’ve seen it there for a LONG time. so i took it off the tack and set it on the kitchen counter. next thing i know the piece of plastic trash is ON MY SIDE. she put the trash in my side of the kitchen because she’s mad. it’s another passive aggressive move. i honestly didn’t think she’d care. i was curious if she’d put it back on the tack. i guess it’s my fault for instigating but i really wanted to see if she’d be worried about a piece of trash moved lol. she noticed of course cuz she’s that crazy. put it on my side out of spite like “that’s not MiNeEeE i DoNt waNt it YouUu take It”. i threw it on the ground. i hate her so much. makes me wanna put post it notes around that says “Trump is a loser”, “Trump sucks!” she’s get super mad. she gets so mad when you say shit about her beliefs. according to her your political beliefs make you who you are as a person. if that’s not a robot response idk what is. she is soulless  just a shell of a person. i can’t imagine being so programmed thinking trump is savior. idolizing man. a human who has done bad shit i’m sure. no soul. no heart. no sense of humor. just a robot marching. psycho. i hate that she’s around my baby. 

bfs vehicle is getting worked on again so we borrowed my moms vehicle for the past few days. 

sophia is teething now. so dealing with that and trying to make her not feel so miserable. :( 

the mom is getting on my nerves as usual. she always has to come around during sophia’s bath time and practically push me out of the way. she stands so close she’s always so close and in the way at all times.  like back up. she clearly doesn’t understand personal space. so annoying i can’t bathe my baby without her always coming around. tonight she was waiting out there before i even brought sophia out to the sink. thank god she’s getting too big for the sink tub and needs to move to the bath tub. then i can shut the door and be in peace with my baby. she had to of course make passive aggressive comments by talking to sophia but directing at me. “this is the only time i ever get to see you”. i’m like yep. she’s the most passive aggressive person i’ve ever met. this weekend she’s leaving for a couple days. thank heaven!!!!!!!! a break from senior psycho and freedom to feel comfortable around the house. say no more!!! 

i got the insurance for that podiatrist on its way to situating. i have an appt with my primary care dr. my bf made these calls for me cuz i was too scared 👉🏻👈🏻

 went out to the skate flea market thing my bfs band played for yesterday. it was hot as fuck outside. i sold a few shirts by myself. mandy went outside and i stayed alone and sold some shirts. i did so good. kinda annoying they didn’t organize their shirt sizes so i sat there looking through for peoples sizes. so when they were gone i sat there and tried to organize them. 

found a wedding looking band there. i feel so bad because i accidentally took it home. i was wearing it for the time being so i could give it to the people who worked at the place but forgot. i hope it isn’t a wedding band cuz i feel bad

paige left her purchases lol so i guess bf will have to give them to her when he sees her at work. 

past few days

my sister and i took sophia out twice this week. we took her on a few adventures. on thursday we went to the park and there is a guy there that sells snow cones. he asked me if sophia was teething yet and i said i wasn’t sure yet. cuz i wasnt 100% though today i am definitely sure she is. he gave her a tiny snow cone with added sugar free flavor for free ^~^ so cute 

then we went to Target and got some stuff after stopping by Sonic for some hot dogs. which lead us to our next day adventures. 

today we went to my bfs friends hot dog truck to get fancy hot dogs. he has many crazy kinds and today we ordered 2 hotdogs with pulled pork on them, fries and an order of shrimp tacos which were amazing. after that we went to Ulta. i was looking for dupes for MAC’s lip liner: edge to edge and lipstick: please me. every time i try to buy those colors which i wear very frequently they say they don’t have them in stock. the girl at MAC a year or so ago told me they don’t get them in as often anymore. so i went to find dupes for them. so i got one lip liner that looked close and went to walgreens to tonight to get the lipstick. we took sophia in her stroller to the pet store to see some cats and some guinea pigs too. had a good day but there were some parts screaming fits. at Ulta alllllll the ladies there were talking to sophia and tickling her feet trying to make her smile. they loved her and thought she was so cute 🥰 so much attention baby girl gets it’s so cute. 

tomorrow my bf has a show that i am going to. it’s a day time thing so i’ll be there 12:30-6pm. my friends paige and mandy will be there. my moms watching sophia. 

sophia has been sleeping in bed with us now since she hates her bassinet that she’s now too big for. so my dad and mom are buying a crib for her. 

so mad that the insurance won’t cover my podiatrist appt/procedure. wish i knew that before i got the procedure done???  like?  they are saying since i didn’t see a primary care dr the insurance won’t cover it. i found out today i have a primary care dr the insurance company auto provided me for. so i either need to call them and get a referral (hope it works since i haven’t ever gone yet) or just call the insurance and tell them what happened so they can clear it. idk yet but my next podiatrist appt is tuesday and idk how ill get this all figured out before then. idk yet what im gonna do but i need to go back so he can check the healing process. sigh why can’t things just go smoothly for once. 

i haven’t complained about my bfs mom in a while. so i’ll go ahead and do that. 😆 so annoyed that everyyyy time my baby cries she has to come in. like back off. hate to say it but she needs to cry sometimes. she needs to learn she’s okay in most situations. the mom needs to fuck off and stop intervening every. fucking. time. this is why i hate it here too. i can’t even just let my baby cry for a min without her trying to come in. i was making bottles today while my bf was watching her a min and the mom has to come in. like let her dad deal with it you don’t need to rush in every goddamn time. i notice she left quickly when sophia screamed when she came in. back off 

hair appt today

i think i’ve gotten somewhat crazy from not sleeping again. sophia isn’t sleeping thru the night anymore. she keeps waking up multiple times at night so i finally just put her in bed next to me cuz i can’t do the whole up and down thing. i’m so fucking tired. yet here i am awake while she sleeps. make it make sense. i know i should be putting her in her own but i just can’t take it. the other nights i was getting up and soothing her back to bed. but she’d get up every hour or 2 and i’d be back up and down. so i just said fuck it and put her in our bed. and what do you know? she sleeps and stays asleep. she’s outgrown her bassinet. she rolls over now and it’s time to transition her into a crib. i’ll be getting one really soon. my brother told me to wait for prime day and see if i can find the same crib i want from ashley furniture on amazon. but i don’t wanna wait too much more she is too big. she’s also outgrown the sink bathing now. too big for her little bath and needs to transition out of that into the big bathtub. i wanna get a seat that sits in the tub and you fill it up and put toys around. this way she’s sitting in a tub without falling over. she’s still not able to sit up a long time alone. she falls over after a couple seconds. god my baby girl is big 😆 like bigger than your average baby i feel. she’s very long is the thing. she has gotta weigh like 20 lbs now. i can’t even imagine how much she’ll weigh and how long she’ll be at 1 years old 😭 she’s not my tiny girl anymore she’s my big baby girl 😭 

so much written lmao idk if i’m posting tho…  ive posted lots more self info that should be more private. but you only live one time. or “yolo” as people say. i wanna document everything. no world record. i am listening to Simple Plan 😭 i use to think they were so punk rock 😭 on AIM my icon was of simple plans album.  my user id on aim was punkrockclubs helppppp. 😭 use to talk to old men online and talk them into renewing my phone cards so i could talk to my best friend sophia (where baby girls name came from) so funny how things happen  but yeah i use to give old dudes sob stories on aol chat and they’d pay money to renew my long distance phone card to talk to my long distance bff… life right? lmao i mean i had hundreds of dollars spent on old dudes renewing my phone card to talk to my friend lmaoo honestly i was pretty honest and said i wanted to talk to my best friend and they’d  spend 20 bucks each on renewing my phone cards  back in those days idk it’s just funny huh? 

 i got more stories just you wait 

sophia’s 1st july 4th

today with baby girl was full of laughter and screeches. she was laughing and doing this new high pitch scream of excitement all throughout the stores today. all day at the house. it was so cute. she hung out in her high chair longer than usual before whining to get out. we cooked and made deviled eggs, spinach dip, hamburgers and hotdogs with potato wedges. plus some jell-o shots. 

she’s been struggling at night with staying asleep in her own bed. i hope she stays asleep since i moved her from our bed to her own. i’m tired and my eyes itch. i think the eyelash glue is irritating my eyes. 

yooo so i had to make an appt with a podiatrist for the first time in my life. had to get my toes worked on since i fucked up the growing of my nails from wearing too small sized shoes for halloween a couple years ago. so they had to give me 3 shots of numbing shit IN my toes and it was the worst pain ever omg. i have a high tolerance to pain but holy geez i was putting my face in my hands and i could have cried if i wanted to. but my baby and my bf were in the room with me and he gave me sophia’s stuffed lizard to hold tightly. 😭 but once i was numb the dr just dug out my nails on the sides. he cut them and then added some acid shit to keep it from growing in the same spot. insane. he dugggggg in there it was brutal to watch but i didn’t feel anything. he said “your daughter is being really good”. i said “thank god”. so im recovering from that 😭 my bf had to go into the store today and buy me sandals cuz i can’t wear normal shoes for like 2 weeks. i hate flip flops with a passion but it’s cheap and i need them. it i picked out the platform ones go at least be to my liking. so now i have a scrape on my feet from the flip flops rubbing on the top. so my poor feet are all kinds of fucked up. 

ok back to today… we didn’t go see fireworks this year because they weren’t going off til 9pm and sophia gets a bath now at 8:30 instead of 9:30 to try and sleep train her to go to bed earlier. so that and if we did take her, what if she were to scream and cry and be miserable and we’d be stuck in a crowd of people. so nah we stayed home this year. i don’t care about fireworks that much anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

i wanna schedule a hair appt tomorrow for this month. i think i might only be able to afford a mini partial but ill see. i want more coverage cuz my roots as shown above are too obvious. that’s why i don’t wanna take so long in between sessions but its costly 😭 i would go every 3 months but i wanna try for every 2.