early morning thoughts

sophia is still asleep believe it or not. of course i already got her bottle out an hour and a half ago and you’re supposed to dump unrefrigerated formula after 2 hours unused. wasted 1 last night too cuz i thought she’d need it to help her sleep but she fell asleep after i already warned one up. formula is expensive and i hate wasting it ugh. 

so i can’t sleep anymore and i wish i could but when my mind picks up a topic is keeps on keeping on with it for a long time until something new comes up to interrupt. so lately i have been thinking how i sometimes wish i could either go back in time or start new. i want to go back to my government name and i wish “kaley” never existed. sometimes. after having a baby it made me rethink to just be ME. growing up my nickname from my real name was always “kat”. i mean, my best friend sophia still calls me kat to this day. my teachers called my kat. i hated it.  my mom, dads, brother and sister don’t call me kaley either. i didn’t like being called kat but now that i am older i wish i stuck with it meeting new people. i didn’t land on kaley until 2004. in 2004 i started using the internet a lot. like a LOT. i was super obsessed with livejournal and myspace and didn’t want anyone to know info about me. so i made “kaley” happen a play on names kat. leigh and after that i introduced myself to new people as kaley. i met livejournal friends that knew me as kaley from the internet. it stuck. it stuck so hard my future boyfriend and new found family call me kaley. so how can i go back to being kat? how can i go back to being who i am without big explanations every time i see my friends now. ugh lol i just miss my real name. while i go by my real name legally everyday like to real shit. i wish i introduced myself as me. i still don’t put out my entire, full government name for the world to see but kat is part of it.i miss it but i guess kaley will always be a part of me too. love and hate it