happy 4 months Sophia ☆彡

you’re my 4 month old girl now. growing so fast. pretty, big, strong and smart 

sophia’s first social outing

memorial day we took sophia to paulseidons cook out. we had a rough morning and i was so stressed about bringing her out. she was screaming her head off again and it was really exhausting. i had so much anxiety about it i was like “fuck it i’m not going”. but we took her and she was great. all my friends got to hold her and see her. they loved her. she was the talk of the party ^-^ she met freddie and jenny’s baby and i cackled when i saw my friends holding the babies next to each other. sophia is huge in comparison and their baby is 6 months old 😭 sophia is really heavy and long in comparison it was so funny. 

i’m so glad it all went well and sophia seemed to love interactions with others. that means she’s ready. we can take her out more. 👍🏼 

had some talks with my bf last night about how depressed i am. i found out what happened the other night i got wasted at his show. he said we stopped at Wawa and i was like wandering off on my phone and he called me over to the car like 3 times and i didn’t notice. drunk tunnel vision. he said he had to walk over and get me. he said the ride home was horrible cuz i was ranting and getting mad. he said my points were valid though. i was ranting about how he has so much more freedom than me and i was mad i couldn’t go to his next show. i got home and ranting more. apparently i scared him and my family because i was on the verge of a meltdown. im told i was ranting and getting really upset saying i didn’t think i was a good mom because i got too fucked up and couldn’t hold my baby. i was so worried about her waking up and having to deal with her and i didn’t want to. i was repeatedly saying i was a bad mom for it. yea i don’t remember any of these things. my bf told me last night he thinks it was just a lot of stress i let out that night and it was probably needed. i needed a night out where i just got hammered and let loose, let out all my frustration and worry. i think im good on getting so drunk like that i don’t remember anything. i’m good with a buzz for a while lol

today we’re going grocery shopping to meal prep. we’re gonna start helping my family eat healthier and save more money. after my brothers hospital scare with the kidney stone situation we’re going to really help him get better and to avoid future issues by diet change. then after all that we’re taking sophia to the beach again at sunset. she loves seeing the ocean. 

June 10th Mum is coming down to visit and see sophia for the first time. i need to find out what exactly she plans on doing cuz i know we have dinner plans at 6 but i don’t wanna bring baby girl to a restaurant quite yet. 

last night / today 👍🏼

last night i went out and had fun. i met bfs friend/band mates gf and she and i had fun. she kept buying me shots and drinks and i was wasted. put it this way, i vaguely remember going to Wawa, the drive home and what i talked to my mom when i got back. apparently i was super stressed out and just venting about all my stresses.

i was so hungover today though so that sucked. getting up at 7am to feed baby was a bit rough but when she ate and fell back asleep i did too. 

today sophia has been great. her mood was great. she woke up all smiles this morning and then talking super loud in Target. like loud noises. we bought her a memorial day outfit for tomorrow. my bf thinks it’s time we let people meet her. so tomorrow paulseidon is having a cookout and we’re gonna stop by for a short while so they can all see sophia ^-^

bad day

so yesterday wasn’t the greatest um my brother came in saying how he had a bad pain on his side. he tried sleeping it off but he said the pain was intense and traveled to his back. he threw up and felt super hot. i told him he should go to the hospital so my mom ended up having to take him. he got checked out there and he was told he has kidney stone. my mom was updating me. i felt so bad cuz of what i hear about kidney stones and how absolutely painful they are. i was trying to take care of sophia during this which was hard to be happy and playful with her cuz i was worried about my brother. sophia was so much yesterday. constantly needing to be held or she’d cry idk what was going on but maybe she sensed my worry. my sister came here and was helping me with her. i was on 3 hours of sleep so i was so tired. to top it all off. during bath time my mom and brother came home. he said he got 2 pain meds and has to just wait for the stone to pass through. he said the dr said it was small so he may not even realize it’s gone. i hope that’s the case cuz the stories i’ve heard sound excruciating. 

last night was rough at bed time for sophia.  bath time was great we let her lounge in the bath for 20 mins instead of her usual fast baths and she passed out before i could get her jammies on. it didn’t last long tho. she woke up screaming in my face and ear was almost inconsolable. every time i’d put her down after she fell asleep she’d wake up screaming. i finally just put her next to me and i was passing out but i want her to sleep in her own bed at night. so i forced myself to try and move her back to her bed but big mistake that was. i moved her and screaaaaammmmm. i almost cried at this point cuz i was so tired and had such a long stressful day. my mom ended up helping me and when she went down she went down. i passed out after and am about to sleep more since she’s got her morning feed. 

tonight i think im going to my bfs show. he has 2. one tonight and one next week, so i picked out one to go to and am skipping the next cuz i don’t like leaving sophia too much.  especially when i just went out last week for friends bday. i always feel so bad leaving and this shows in vero too. i don’t like being further away. but it was okay at the show in fort lauderdale we went to. which is further. still i feel guilty everytime even though i shouldn’t. 

night out / still feeling uncomfortable

went out for Jeff’s birthday and had oysters and drinks. 

i felt kinda bad but not really because they ordered tons of food there kinda so everyone can eat. but by time they brought out an oyster platter that no one seemed to be eating. i just kept eating them. i pretty much ate the whole plate cuz no one else seemed to be but i felt like a pig just eat a plate full of oysters that were for everyone 😭 but we got our oyster fix for a while. stopped by the bar for a couple drinks and then my brother was there to pick us up. 

so things are still kinda tight up in here. my boyfriend is still not speaking to his mom until she apologizes and she hasn’t yet. so it’s this awkward vibe where they aren’t talking. i still feel awkward now going in the kitchen. still feel that obligation to talk to her even though i do not like her. no matter how nice she would try to be. just don’t like you. never will. end of story. so i don’t wanna talk to her but i still TRY to be nice even though she deserves nothing from me. she’s a weirdo and i am uncomfortable around her but am trying. today i passed by her and i startled her. she’s always so startled by everyone because she’s so in her own world of brainwash she has her peripherals off. like when Paige is so drunk and doesn’t see us, walks right by cuz she has tunnel vision. anyways i said sorry and kinda laughed cuz i startled her. expecting her to laugh and be like no problem or whatever. nothing. she just walks on by. so idk if she’s still mad or what but whatever. prob just so focus on politics and cults or whatever bs she was listening to on the porch. my mom and i were talking on our walk yesterday how she doesn’t have a sense of humor or anything. there is nothing about that woman that’s extraordinary. she’s super bland, no funny bone. doesn’t genuinely laugh ever. so when i say sorry for startling her, laugh and apologize she doesn’t get it. like most people would laugh back and say “it’s ok” or “man yo scared me” followed by a chuckle (lol chuckle) but she doesn’t. blandest, most unremarkable person ever. 

i wish things were different. i wish she wasn’t how she is. i wish she was a fun grandma type. i wish things weren’t so uncomfortable and i wish she wasn’t so brainwashed. it’s sad and unfortunate but what can you do. i just know how uncomfortable it is being here. how unhappy i am in this house. i want that little family with my bf (husband soon) and baby and i almost got it. i almost got my dream life of being a housewife/stay at home mom but the house isn’t fully mine, or according to the bitter old woman it’s not mine OR my bfs at all. i almost am there but not quite with her here. :( and i guess i just don’t understand how she can act like this to her son. my family… we will bend over backwards for each other. help each other and do nice things for each other all the time. when we had issues with bfs vehicle and sophia was a newborn he wanted to use her car since she never really goes anywhere. the car sits there most of the time. he couldn’t drive it cuz she didn’t want him to nor did she offer. he’s not on her insurance so she said no. my family would still let us use theirs. it’s just weird. my family is very close. very family. it’s like they aren’t. it’s like they’re just room mates. 

i blogged about this before but it bothers me how she lied to my moms face and said she’s in debt, bf doesn’t pay for anything and the house is HERS not his too. my bf use to own the house next door and he sold it for whatever he could get at the time to help his mom pay off this house. so he got rid of his house, paid rest of this one off and moved in. he re did the whole house. did a ton of work on it. pays her monthly to help with utilities and everything. she has the audacity to say it’s not his too. she’s just such a selfish person. anything she does has an agenda attached to it. anything she does in the long run is for herself. it’s so insulting for her to say the house isn’t his too. then to give him barely ANYTHING in the house. all we get in this bedroom and the side room now. the rest of the house she has all her shit in it. even unused areas of the house. my bf lived this way now for so long that it’s how it is. he has no area to really call his own but our bedroom here. my said she’s not in debt at all. she’s so stupid she keeps putting money into gold. he said she took our 30 grand the other day toward more gold 🙄 so fucking stupid. so i was like “maybe that’s why she’s in debt?” he goes “no she has like 100 grand in the bank. she’s just a cheap fuck. all there is to it. but for her to lie like that is so odd. so weird. what do you gain from lying about that? what did that do for you? 

she makes me so grossed out. everything she does. every time i see her im just annoyed and grossed out. her personality or lack there of just irks me so badly. i really am miserable in this house. i haven’t been this depressed in a while now. which sucks cuz i have my baby and i love her so much. she just laughed again yesterday over a piece of swiss cheese it was so funny. i want her to grow up happy and in a safe, positive environment. but i feel like with this crazy person living here it’s not. she drives everyone away and always has she said so herself. i fear i cannot stay here with her still here. my mom is struggling so hard after everything got so expensive she’s trying to leave. we wanna all leave and live together some where else. 

things might be getting better

so my mom talked to the mom again today and it seemed to have gone better. the mom talked to me after they talked. i was in kitchen making bottles fast cuz sophia was crying and she made a comment about her crying and saying something like someone isn’t happy and i was like “yea can’t seem to make bottles fast enough” and she handed me one to put away to help. i wasn’t an asshole. i was being receptive to her gesture. my mom told me she opened up some about her childhood and how bad it was. so she’s how she is cuz of it. she seems like she just wants someone to talk to. she’s very lonely. so my mom coming out and talking with her means a lot. that is super sad. if she wasn’t such a brainwashed person i’d like her more. but it just creeps me out. cults, propaganda, severe trump supporters all just creep me out so much. it all feels so evil. i don’t hate or like trump people i couldn’t give 2 shits about that. but it’s how obsessed they are and how weird they act i can’t get behind. anyways my mom said she’s working on the mom to try and get her to change some of her ways a bit to be more accepting. i personally will never like her really and ill never forget how she acted here and things she’s said and done out of spite towards me. but i can feel empathy for her in why she is like this and lonely. 

i hope things do change and she stops the childish games and weirdness. i’d be a lot less hateful and angry around her. 

today my bf took me to get some PDQ chicken since i have been wanting to try it. i got a spicy chicken salad and it was pretty good. then i finally got to go to the peach cobbler factory. i was supposed to go for mother’s day but didn’t so today i got a honey apple cobbler and man it was so good. i got my mom one too. tomorrow is my friends bday and we’re gonna go over and eat oysters and have some drinks ^-^

on our way out today we saw freddie and jenny. freddie was skateboarding and jenny was riding a big holding her baby. we waved at them and i was like are they dropping off more baby stuff for us that their baby outgrew.  so nice! so i just went thru to give away sophia’s outgrown clothes and made more room for new clothes. 

more

we were on our way out and my mom just had to stop and talk to the mom. i was in the car with my sister and sophia waiting and wondering what was taking so long. my mom said she forgot something and went back inside. took long so i went inside to get my mom and im like “come on we need to go sophia is hot”. the mom quickly and rudely says “bye.” and walks off all pissy. from what i walked into the mom was saying my bf does everything and i do nothing. cuz my mom was like “he doesn’t do everything. she does 80%”. i said “more like 90.” i take care of baby more and he does all the hard stuff with strollers, car seat & pays for us. but as far as taking care of baby it’s all me. my mom asked her if she wanted anything from the store and she was abrupt and mad “no.” the tone was like ~im done talking to you. i don’t care what you have to say~

so in the car my mom’s telling us what they were talking about and majority of the complaints were about me and my brother and sister. lmao. my mom also told her that she broke her sons heart by saying to fuck off to him. she goes “well he started it and was mean to me” …. please remember this is an old ass woman who is his mother. i’ve never met someone as immature as she is. it’s giving kids telling on other kids “he called me names firrrrst”. all he did was tell her that the bull shit she listens to is convoluting her mind. so she’s so mad at petty shit that she tells her son to fuck off. is pretty sickening if you ask me. psycho behavior. all bc he said the conspiracy and propaganda shit she’s so obsessed with is making her hateful. personally i think she just is a spiteful person regardless but she gets sooo worked up about politics and people disagreeing. weirdO 

she complained that none of us say hi to her and that i keep the lights off cuz i don’t want her to see me. my moms like “no she just doesn’t wanna bother you”. really it’s because i DONT want to talk to her. i don’t like talking to people regardless of who you are.  complaining how my sister just comes in and walks right by but my sister told me she use to but the mom kinda stopped so she stopped. my brother too said she never says hello to him so he doesn’t. she’s such a whiny bitch dude like i can’t. my family and i never say hello to each other in our old house. we didn’t talk sometimes and just do our own things. like why can’t she understand not everyone wants to talk. 

my mom said she made it super clear the house is HERS. not mine nor her sons. which is bullshit. she says my bf doesn’t pay for anything and she’s in debt. BULLLLLSHIT so my bf said she’s not in debt. he watched her take out 30 grand out in gold like a stupid fuck. my bf also gives her money for utilities every month. stupid bitch. he’s mad she’s straight lying. delusional. something. he helped her pay this house off years back. he grew up in this house. he laid tiles in the house and revamped it. it’s 100% his house too. she complained how she did “soooo much” for me in the kitchen and i’m ungrateful. lolll. she gave me a nice small area sure. but she sure as shit uses my appliances. she uses MY microwave and MY keurig. the entire house is hers a small corner of the kitchen for me???? awwwww thank you you’re so kind. go fuck off yourself you old crotchety hag. i really hate her. so it seems she’s cool with my mom but really doesn’t like me. doesn’t like my 23 year old sister cuz she’s jealous of her. bf called it out. and mad at my brother for whatever reasons aside not saying hello every time he comes in. 

texting my bf today back and forth about this and i said she made it clear she cares about nobody but herself. my bf replies “yea doesn’t care about me”.  i said “no she cares about you. but her priorities are herself”. selfish. all about me me me me. 

i was the same way until i had sophia. my mom tried to tell her family is what matters. politics are always changing and it’s stupid to care about it so much. just enjoy life and family. my mom said she cares about her kids more than herself. the mom doesn’t grasp that. cuz she only cares about herself in the long run. so i’m depressed. was so hard coming back here it’s so uncomfortable. tension, walking on eggshells now it’s just prison. hate it. trying to not let my baby catch on to it but i’m sure she feels it some. 

yup she threw a big fit and then some

this morning bf came in the room and said “she’s big mad”. he told me she’s like “you could have asked me before just pushing my shit away”. “i am tired of feeling like a second class citizen in my own home”…  then proceeded to complain about me saying “everytime she’s in the kitchen making something she leaves the lights off” ????? so??? what did i say before. her coming in and flicking the lights on was out of spite. called it!  i leave the lights off cuz it’s day time. i often times don’t even think to turn them on cuz i am not 100 years old and can see. i just go in make bottles or snack and leave quickly. who gives a fuck?. 

so i end up reading my bfs texts from her and she just talked shit. talking about my family and how ungrateful they are. she said “i’m tired of these people in my house”. yet my mom has numerous times offered her extra money and always explains her appreciation for letting them stay here during this hard economic time. not to mention this is also my boyfriends house. so she had no problem bashing them about being ungrateful. then complains how none of us talk to her or say hello. first off you’re crazy and all you do is spout out trump and conspiracy bullshit. second even if you were the nicest person on the planet we wouldn’t come out and chit chat. we’re just not those kind of people. we keep to ourselves as family and that’s really it.  complains about me and how ungrateful i am because she “let” me have a small corner of the kitchen and shittily painted the kitchen a color my bf said we wanted. the paint was half assed and painted with latex so that it could peel off easy when she didn’t want it anymore. also i never told or asked her ti paint it. we just said itd look good.  saying how it’s been on going for over a year now?  my family might be staying here but i live here with my bf and my baby. you can’t let me have half of the kitchen to decorate? you’re hardly in the kitchen but to be in and out. i’m in there a lot for baby bottles and cooking dinner with my bf. so all she did was complain about me and my family being ungrateful and how my bf does everything and “that will just be your life for the rest of your life” she said to him. like he will just live his future with me doing everything for me. so fucking what? he chooses to cuz he loves me and sophia. he never holds that over me. i wanna say this… “im gonna get you a big wooden cross so that any time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb up on it and nail yourself to it.” martyr mcfly. 

when my mom told her people do things for others because it makes them feel better about themselves she was like “no!” that’s bc it’s true. she does all this “nice” stuff but has to go off on how unappreciative everyone is. you should do things for others cuz you care and not make it about you. 

i feel like all this really started with the AC. then moving my bowls. she’s like a petty child. the. i got sick of it, moved my shit in place of hers and now this is happening. and the worst part is. is what she said to my bf. he told her she needs to stop listening to all this negative stuff it’s corrupting her mind. she looks at him dead in the eyes and practically tells “fuck off”. that hurt him so bad. i know it did. he’s a sensitive soul and to hear your own mom say that to you with such anger and hate is just disgusting. i couldn’t imagine my mom ever talking to me like that nor would i ever to my own. fucking nut job. i feel so bad for my bf. 

so i M DONE being semi nice. i am over it. i am NOT going to let this mean old bitch bring me down anymore to her hateful level. i was feeding sophia earlier and i was sitting there harping hate and anger about the situation and i saw sophia look at me in a way that really bothered me. she looked at me with concern and worry? like “what’s going on” look and i don’t like that at all i don’t ever want my baby worrying over me being angry. 

i just will not ever allow her to hold my baby again. in fact don’t even so much as look or talk to my baby ever again. you miserable old bitch. i’m not going to be nice ever again. my mom said she is going to be leaving here hopefully in the next few months and im gonna be leaving too. but for now i won’t let her scare me away. im gonna go in kitchen as normal and do my things as normal and not let her negativity get to me. i’m just gonna ignore her and act like she doesn’t exist and to help me do that ill wear headphones anytime i go to the kitchen. can’t hear you. you don’t exist. 

shitty it’s come to this mostly cuz it hurt my bfs heart to be talked to and treat that way by his own mom bc of petty hang ups. sad. 

go fuck yourself

more ranting but of course!

it’s time. going to change up the drab old kitchen and keep making it my own. at least half of my side and the mom can keep hurt nasty shit on the other side. the pastel bowls were moved againnnn this morning. she moved them on top of the fridge again for the 2nd time. so i moved them back… not even a full hour later, they’re moved back on top of the fridge ??????? if they were moved once, okay. maybe she does just wanna clean up. but after the 3rd fucking time and so soon after, it’s pretty fucking obvious i want that there. she’s doing this on purpose because she’s spiteful and immature. throwing a tantrum because she doesn’t hold Sophia enough. i’ve never seen someone act so immature over someone else’s baby. my grandma wouldn’t act this way if she barely held her. she’s acting super weird about it. to the point where she’s throwing tantrums and doing everything opposite of what i do. so i put the bowls back again now for the 4th time. along with my kawaii shit i left there that she also moved. well now i’m changing that side up. the fact she “gave” me more space in a tiny little corner and said “i cleared up a little more space for you” but proceeds to move what i put there is so weird.  i bought this really cute, pink cloud paper towel holder, a pink glass bowl my mom got me and my new pink bread box. gonna move her stuff since she likes moving my stuff and replace it all with my new, cute shit. i’m also gonna rearrange my keurig and the babies bottle station. it’s gonna look so good. she can fuck off. my bf told me i can move the ugly shit she has there that she never even uses and put my new stuff there. i was telling him how much i hate living here cuz of her and not feeling like i live here too. he said i live here too now and have the right to feel more at home. im sure once its all changed she will bitch about it to him behind my back. if she tries saying anything to me im going to tell her off. 

sick of her bratty games. bitch, you’re in your 70s. let’s fucking stop now. big baby. today my bf let her hold Sophia and i told him it’s hard to even allow that because of how she’s acting. like she acts like this and gets her way every time with my bf. my bf just caves in. i gave up on the AC battle. if she wants to keep it at a ridiculous, bull shit temp bc she’s ~oh so frail~ and gets cold at fucking 78 then have it your way. btw my grandma is the same age and her house is set to cool temps. i’m not bringing sophia out much anymore cuz the house isn’t cool enough so the kitchen becomes unbearably hot when the stove is on. so if she wants her out there more then the AC needs to be down. she can have her AC set to a hot 78f in summer. i’m changing the kitchen though and that’s too fucking bad if she complains. bf agrees too. 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼 

i try not to let that old bitch get to me but small things like today just piss me off. i was in the kitchen making a bottle. i don’t turn the lights on sometimes in the kitchen during the day cuz it signifies that i kinda wanna be left alone and just not be seen. so light is off and i have the sink water running cuz im cleaning out a bottle and making a new one. so i am going back and forth to the sink. old bitch comes in, flicks the light on and turns the water off. while im in there. like social cue says im in here leave me be. nah. she has to come in and do weird shit like that. if someone’s in the kitchen doing something in the dark i wouldn’t turn the lights on. if anything the lights whatever but turning the water off while i was in the kitchen should tell you im using it. fucking weirdo. it’s all out of spite. this old hag never just does things for no reason there’s always a craft behind them. i’ve come to learn this the full year now that ive been living here. i know exactly how she is and how stupidly spiteful she is. terrible personality traits she has. awful! 

my mom told me i should velcro the bowls to the counter 😂 im just gonna move everything and rearrange it how i want it. oh well. i’ll never not be able to just ignore this. i use to feel bad and try to pretend to be nice but i can’t even anymore i can’t even try to like her. she just sucks. everything about her sucks. the worst is, she does all this spiteful shit against me and then talks to me like she isn’t doing that stuff. like we don’t have a silent beef going on. it’s weird as fuck. i make it obvious now that i am annoyed and don’t like her she ruined it for me. i’m sure tomorrow ill have more to rant about. it’s always something new. but i’m tired of it, my family is tired of it and my bf is getting hella fed up now. 

Mon & Tues

we took baby girl to the park again. we got a sub to split, ate at the park and took her around

we went to the asian market and i got a kawaii tooth pick holder, stuff for dinner and a bubble tea. sophia got fussy in there but the next store i brought a bottle so when she cried i fed her and it seemed to work. 

for dinner we made soba

Tues sophia was upset all day pretty much. she just didn’t feel good at all. crying and crying and throwing up. she finally went to sleep. i just put her in the bed with me. she wasn’t having it in her own bed nor was she at all unless she was being held. she was over tired for sure but didn’t feel well so couldn’t sleep i guess. :( i hope she stays asleep all night and this isn’t part of the 4 month sleep regression. she’s not 4 months yet but doesn’t mean anything. i really just think she’s doesn’t feel well. 

so this whole ac battle is extremely stupid, weird and immature. the mom is just a weirdo. a weirdo who is only looking out for herself. what matters is her own comfort not my baby’s apparently. she wants to complain that sophia is never out there, well she’ll never be out there now. i won’t be bringing her out to the kitchen while we cook dinner anymore. i don’t think im asking much by asking this old hag to turn the ac down to at LEAST 77 degrees for my baby. i’d prefer 75 but i am trying to be understanding on her side and trying not to push it. but you can even put it to a sad 77 degrees in your house. you have to put it back to 78 every single time. so i am done. i am done with her and her immature old ass. so from now on, my baby is not going to be out there ever. she can complain all she wants about never seeing her. she is the only one to blame here for acting like a full on C U Next Tuesday about this. her insanity just reaches new heights. my bf told me she was saying she hates clutter when she talked about the fridge… umm you don’t like clutter? bitch you are a straight up hoarder. the house looks like an antique shop not a home. another reason why i don’t want my baby out there because the house is dusty and dirty. dim and dark and sad. depressing. i’m working on the kitchen. i’m buying pastel pink and mint green stuff to bully my way in. i’m putting what i want where i want. she just needs to stop touching my shit. my mom got me pastel bowls for cooking and i had them stacked and out o the counter cuz i am thinking about what i wanna do with them. i go in the kitchen next thing i know she moved them to the top of the fridge. so i moved them back. i have baby formula stacked in a pyramid by all the baby bottle stuff. i put it like that on purpose. she just puts them away in a cabinet. i take them back out. stop. touching my stuff ugh. she moved shit before for my baby and now we can’t find it. like this gift basket of baby soap and lotion i got from my baby shower. now we can’t find it cuz she placed it some where and forgot where it is. she needs to fuck off and stop moving stuff that isn’t hers. since we keeps pissing me off i’ll just move her stuff and put all my new kitchen stuff there. i bought a pink bread box, going to be buying a paper towel rack and a fruit bowl. moving that ugly ass brown thing she has taking up all the space. it’s time for me to make my way in this house because i live here now. tired of feeling like im just a guest now. so i’m bullying way. she’ll complain about it to my bf behind my back but oh well don’t care. 

my first mother’s day

my bf went out this morning to order us an expensive salmon from new england fish market and crab cakes. also brought me dunkin’ donuts coffee and munchkins. unfortunately i didn’t get a lot of sleep. sophia was not sleeping well and was awake crying at one point. not moody or hungry but sad. pouty face and all. that always breaks my heart. i held her, swayed with her and told her there’s nothing to worry about. she finally fell asleep after that by 1:30-2am. 

today she laughed for the first time. she was giggling and laughing as i bounced her on my leg making a swsh swsh sound. it was sooo cute and made me happy. i love when she’s happy. 

the ac battle

so as i said previously it was set and she changed it again in less than 2 hours. conveniently when my bf comes home, it’s set back down to “78” (still was suppose to be 77) but the fact is she turned it down when he got home so that he’d think it was on all day so he wouldn’t scold her over it. what a weirdo!! acting all sneaky and changing it to 80 then changing it back down when he gets home to not “get talked to” about it. sneaky and just weird behavior. so after ranting, crying and complaining to my mom and my brother today about it we decided to check it out to see if maybe it’s at a setting that keeps it 80. before i blow up and make a big production to her and my bf i wanna make sure it’s not her turning it down and it’s just set to go to that temp. well she comes up to my bf tonight and mentions it. she’s like “oh are you guys still hot back there?” (our side of the house). ummmmm you KNOW we are that’s why i keep turning it down. you are obsessing and turning it back up after me on purpose!! stop acting like you just didn’t realize. you realize cuz you’re doing it every single time. then she’s like “well i guess i’ll just have to be cold then” yea bitch better get your sweater on. wtf man. i care about my baby not you. she needs to be comfortable and safe in the house i don’t give a fuck what you feel. she should WANT to turn it down FOR the baby. just cares about her own needs. also 77 is not cold. 😒 

so tonight i made it 77. if she changes it again to hot ass 80 i’m going to blow the fuck up. i’ll put setting on it to make it go down to 77 every time cuz she won’t know how to change it back. we’ll see what happens tomorrow but im not gonna stay in this house if she keeps doing this. i hope this is the end of the ac battle cuz i’m tired of talking about it and im tired of the drama and stress. 

unfortunately more ranting

so called the dr office back and they said i need to keep track of ny blood sugar and i was told to keep doing the same stuff i was doing when i was pregnant. eat the same diet and check blood sugars as usual. then go go to my primary care doctor and show them the documented results and see what they say. i am well diet controlled so i doubt ill need any kind of insulin for that. the faster numbers on the other hand, idk if they’re important still or what but those are still high. so i might need to take insulin every night before bed idk. we’ll see what the primary care doctor says, well when i find a new one. my old one i had since i was 16 moved. i don’t think i have diabetes but i am pre diabetic for sure due to having hormonal imbalances with pcos. 

the AC battle continues with the mental patient aka joes mom. ew i never call my bf by his name lol anyways the battle commences. i just went out there and turned it back down to 77. im so pissed off because my bf talked to her last night about turning the AC down for sophia and that we’d give her money for it. he said she agreed without drama. okay so what’s the fucking story now then? she didn’t even keep it at the deal 77. she had it at 78 yesterday. why is she so fucking afraid to put it down? so last night i was in a bad mood and i told him what bothered me and one of the things was the AC still being at 78 not 77. he said he’d turn it down and so he did. i went out there this morning at 4:44am to get a bottle and it was back to 78. now 80. what is the problem here???? i just went and turned it back to 77 and shut the back door. what the fuck. i texted him telling him i had to drop it down to 77 again. 80 is fucking ridiculous. everyone knows florida is too fucking hot. 80 is insane. she just bought a bunch of bags of mulch which i know wasn’t cheap. so she’ll buy all that but is worried about the AC bill? nah i don’t think it has anything to do with money sometimes. i think it’s a control issue. well i’m not playing this game. i’ve never met someone her age so fucking immature in my life. you wanna spend more time with my baby? then care more about her health instead of yourself and your weird issues. she will no longer be in the house if you keep it to an unhealthy temperature when you have the means to keep it cooler. psycho dude. this woman is so mentally ill i don’t wanna be around it. i feel like my posts are just me bitching about her every time now. she’s turned me so angry and negative i just am miserable. i just do not want to live here if she’s going to be here. she either needs to go to a home, a mental hospital or to die. i hate to say it cuz i would never want my bf to be sad by losing his mom but you’re telling me i have to live like this til she croaks? i’ll be in my 50s. 

she put a new nasty bowl in the kitchen sink and i was hoping she’d just forgo it since i threw it out. but who was i kidding the obsession with asking where it was for 2 days should have indicated to me it’ll be back. gross. i will never understand the need for it. you have a dishwasher. you have a sink. you have soap. wash the shit and put them away. my bf scolded me and told me i need to be respectful of her stuff which is probably true even if it’s gross. but i get so angry because its so stupid. she’s stupid. i think she really is just plain stupid. 0 common or logical sense man. how am i gonna continue living here? i want to live with my bf and my baby as a family. but i just hate being here. i feel stuck. i feel angry all the time about it. idk what to do. i need to get married. when i’m married i have full say in what goes on with anything i feel. 

i wish i had a place to go and escape. just take sophia and just be away but since my mom is still struggling i have no other place. my hair is coming out a lot too and i read it has to do with postpartum stuff. it has to be stress too cuz im stressed out all the time to the max. 

failed my glucose test

so i got the results back 😭 my blood sugar levels after drinking the drink were high as fuck. my fasting level was high too. it’s basically the same way it was when i was pregnant with gestational diabetes. high fasting levels but diet controlled good post meal numbers. so if. i continue to be diet controlled which i have for the most part minus cheat meals here and there i should be okay for that. idk if they’ll think i need to be on insulin for fasting numbers idk how any of this diabetic stuff works. i just looked up on tv and i saw jerry seinfeld holding a diabetes pamphlet lmao perfect timing. though i am laughing i am not really calm about this. i feel afraid and annoyed. i’m sure they’ll call me tomorrow and tell me the results and what the next step is. sigh. i just hope they trust me being diet controlled and check back in here and there. maybe they’ll have me do an a1c or whatever it’s called. idk but i kinda knew this would happen considering i was screwed by having pcos and then gestational diabetes during pregnancy. 

a c rant continuation

baby girl woke up at 3am so i went to grab a bottle. what do you know… the air is back to hot as balls. she put it to 79f this time, not 80f. ohhh shit. wow how generous. looks like it’s going down another degree again. i’m going to change it to 76f today from 77f when i changed it. i just can’t understand this. we live in fucking Florida!!!! bro, it’s not even summer yet and temps this week will be reaching 94f aka “feels like 100f”. i will not stay here in the summer if this is going to be on going. i’ll figure somewhere else to stay over the summer. she wants the baby to come out more in the other parts of the house olso bad with her passive aggressive comments, then turn the fucking AC on you fucking cheap freak. i just don’t get it. okay. you’re cheap. cheap as fuck. everything you buy and hoard is from thrift stores. sometimes cheap isn’t better. sometimes things are pricey for a reason for quality. you have a baby in your house now. learn to change your ways for the health sake of baby. hate to say this but they say “cold babies cry, hot babies die”. i’m not putting my baby out in the rest of the house where it’s hot as fuck. we have a window ac unit in here for that reason. we put it in here because even before sophia, we were dying of heat. so you know what? i’ll keep doing my plan of dropping the temps down til she fucking gets it. i’ll be reasonable and not go lower than 75f and even offer money if she’s that’s fucking worried about bills. but if she can’t keep it at the very least 75-76 i’m done here. should i just tape money to the thermostat and write a note that says “for sophia” on it? like… my bf keeps saying he’ll tell her to turn the ac on but he doesn’t. he hints and makes it funny which it was at that moment but this is too much. 80f in a florida house during this time of year is brutal. add baby to the equation and i am not fucking around. what gets me too is this bitch has money. she has lots of money saved around. she’s like in her 70s and retired. you’re that worried about fucking money? you’re old. what the fuck do you need to save that bad you can’t run your AC at an okay temp for your grandkid. like? you wanna spout off how nice you are. then why can’t you make at the very least, sophia comfortable and healthy?  like my family being here you think you’re doing something kind for. nah you’re doing it to make yourself feel better and because you know my bf would be pissed off. you don’t do anything for other’s happiness l, you just wanna make yourself look like a good person. you feel you do good deed so you’re good. i’m not going to even try to be nice anymore. not going to pretend to be nice. i said this and i’ll say it again and again til i die. my daughter comes first and i’ll do what i have to do to make sure she’s comfortable and healthy. i will keep turning the ac down until either you grasp the concept it’s ME doing it and you either keep it on,  bitch to my bf about it behind my back or i’m out of here. i’m going to find out if i can stay at Mums house. we went to visit her in december and her house is nice, has extra rooms and AC! what do ya know! i will threaten this idea if she can’t keep the ac on at least 75-76. that’s not asking much honestly. our old house ran at 72-73 every day. normal people’s homes are 68-75 i’d say. psycho for real. like okay maybe you’re into the heat because you’re old and grew up without ac so you’re used to it and don’t mind it but change it for an infants needs. i will not be bringing sophia out there anymore. she’ll never see her cuz she won’t be out there anymore except to take a bath at night in the kitchen sink. i’ll keep my baby in here in the ac all day or we’ll go out together in the car and go places to get her out of the house. not bringing her out when we cook anymore because it’s too fucking hot especially with all the stoves and ovens on. nope. my baby has these heat rashes all over her body. she has sensitive skin right now. i won’t be nice anymore to this old bitch. not even pretend. i’m tired of her cheapness. cheapo. 

edit turned it down to 76 this morning at 7. it was already turned back up to 79/80 at 10:30am. told bf and he is going to talk to her about this. if there is no resolution im leaving for the summer with my baby. 

postpartum 2 hr glucose test

since they kept bugging me to take it i scheduled the appointment and went today. it wasn’t so bad because no one was in there. it was just me and youtube. so here’s to hoping i don’t have type 2 diabetes or whatever. since i have pcos and had gestational diabetes while pregnant i am more prone to having type 2 after pregnancy. i hope not because i don’t want to live life as a diabetic. its a lot of extra, annoying work. i hated gestational diabetes during pregnancy having to be hardcore strict on diet while checking blood sugar constantly. so uh 🤞🏼 

baby girl was pretty good again today. just started to get fussy in the evening. once i bathed her tho and got to her neck where she’d got this rash, she started to cry. after her bath i tried putting ointment on it and she screamed and cried. like freaking out and inconsolable. she had tears pouring down her cheeks and it tore me up. my heart broke seeing her like that. i think the rash hurts cuz it seems when i touch it she acted like that. she’s been dealing with this rash all over her stomach, in her neck and creases in her arms. i’ve been putting desitin on it but it doesn’t seem to be helping but. if it’s not getting better by Thursday my bf said well call the pediatrician. it’s really been awful cuz idk what to do but to try and soothe it and heal it with lotions, vaseline or desitin. :( 

so bfs mom keeps the house at 80 fucking degrees in florida heat which is asinine. he’s talked to and hinted about it but older won’t turn it down cuz she’s a weirdo and cheapo. so i took matters into my own hands and turned it down to 78f which is nothing but i’m slowly doing this plan. so i put it at 78 and the next morning i saw it was back on 80. so i turned it down again to 77 this time. so i am going to keep turning it down a degree every single time she turns it back to hot as fuck. i’m not playing around. my baby is having heat rashes when we’re out in kitchen not to mention how fucking hot florida is. we have ac for a reason you freak. so if i go out there tomorrow and it’s messed with again. it’s getting down to 76 next. 

i also threw away this nasty bowl she keeps in the kitchen sink. she has this nasty, bacteria infested bowl in there all the time with this weird rack like thing that lays across the sink on one side to i guess put dishes on top of. well today i took that bowl and threw it the fuck away. so when we were cooking dinner she’s like “where’s that white bowl that is always in the sink?  lmao my bf was like idk i always put it back after baby gets bath. she kept going on about it and how it’s weird it just disappeared when it was the in the morning. i smirked slightly at my bf and went to tell my mom about it. he comes in and is like “so when did you throw it away” lolllll. slowly i’m going to bully my way around this fucking place. i took that gross rack thing and shoved it aside and put a cloth over it like to cover it up. i hate it.  she’s like “how are we to do the dishes now?” bitch what? you. have. a huge. sink. you. have. a dish. washer. ???? use it. why do you need to let nasty plates and shit sit in a nasty bowl full of gross water? you idiot. i can’t. if she brings it up again im saying i threw it away. and what about it? get over it. it’s gross! watch. how much you wanna bet i go out there tomorrow and there is a new one in there. 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

me first and the gimmie gimmies

seriously exhausted from the week of whining, crying baby all day. nights she sleeps great so far but days. no. awful. she whines all day and everything you do isn’t good enough unless you’re feeding her or holding her. so i hardly get chances to shower or change clothes. i’ve been feeling dirty and i look rough thru the week. yesterday i was so mad cuz 1) my period started and 2) bf was pissing me off. like big time with some minor arguments. my sister came over and my mom told her how i was about to lose it on him earlier. like asking me… no, borderline telling me he’s going to our friends house for a beer cuz he was hosting his cinco de mayo party… ummm wow. i’m like “it must be great being a dad”. getting to just go off and have fun while i struggled all week with sophia. no time to myself or anything and you just wanna go off and have a good time while i’m stuck here doing the same thing. fuck u. i was so mad. so i finally got him to realize what i go thru when i took a shower and she was crying. he had to change her poop diaper, clean spit up off of him and her and try many things to calm her down. let’s just say he ended up apologizing to me and telling his friends he wasn’t going. his friend even told him no problem family comes first. just frustrating when my bf has the chillest job for the most part, works with friends, gets to go off and play music once or twice a week with friends… and here i am i get nothing. i’m always here with baby girl.  i wouldn’t change it for the world i love her so much. but sometimes it’s annoying when he is trying to say he needs a break cuz he’s so0o stressed. when he always gets away and has time for himself. i never do and i won’t for a while now until she’s older. just 🙄 it’s done with now tho i said my part to him and again last night after the show we went to. 

so my sister drove me, her bf, my bf and paige down to fort lauderale to see Me First & The Gimmie Gimmies. my sister and i were jumping around until we got pushed into the mosh pit which i was NOT about. i hate mosh pits so much. some guy shoved us in front of him to block us out i guess and zack came rushing over too. then we got safe again lol. not me dancing with some little person randomly. lmao. me, paige and my sister went outside after the first encore song and left cuz we were too hot and needed waters. of course we missed the Billy Joel song cuz we left and went outside. my sister and i were like “play something from the stranger!!!” cuz in the movie Step Brothers when they’re at the Catalina Wine mixer they had that 80s Billy Joel cover band and some man in the crowd was yelling “play something from the stranger!!!” but anyway my bf told me they did play a Billy Joel song of course. so while we were midway thru the show my bf showed me a facebook post. apparently our friend Scott died 😔 it was pretty shocking like i did not ever think that or expect to hear that. he did have heart surgery i remember but idk exactly what happened yet. i told my bf not to worry about it at the show and just have fun. we’ll talk more about it tomorrow (today). my bf told me he had footage i missed of the end of the show where the band had a meltdown on the show. like verbally telling the drummer he was off and basically telling the members they were fucking up on stage. he said it was funny cuz the audience seemed unsure if it was a bit or real. but he said it was real and he has it recorded lol

we got home around 12:30. paige was asking me if i was tired i said i was.  she said okay and that she’d take her stuff and go home then. i think she would have stayed if i were to wanna keep going but i felt exhausted and i wanted to get sober and be back with my baby. she seemed tired too and prob didn’t wanna stay awake stuck with my bf talking her ear off all night lmao. he was talking non stop my sisters bf was like HELP. he always gets like this when he’s drunk. just talkkkkingg.  believe me i’ve dealt with it many times in my life with him. it gets annoying sometimes. but anyways i wanted to go to bed but i had to have a talk with my bf. i told him don’t EVER let his mom put her fingers in my baby’s mouth ever again. that’s so fucking gross and weird. first time i heard her say it in the kitchen “do you wanna taste my finger” or something fucking gross and weird. then to find out she DID it when i wasn’t around. she came in annoyingly one time and was like “did my finger taste good? it probably taste like flower beds from being in the garden all day” WTF. i was raging inside but didn’t say anything. my bf heard it but never paid much attention as usual. so yesterday when he was getting the bed cleaned up for baby to take nap while i was showering, he let her hold sophia. i came out of the shower and was mad cuz i hadn’t gotten to tell him that yet. so who knows what she was doing. but last night after the show i went off. am he even said that’s disgusting and super weird and he will talk to her about it. its so weird and creepy. unsanitary. whack job dude. i can’t. i went off on everything too just saying she’s a weirdo and i don’t give a fu k about her feelings and victim woe is me problems. i said i care only about sophia from here on out. my only concern is her being safe, cared for and happy. i don’t want her to turn out like me. i don’t want her having social anxiety and never doing things in life. i want her to succeed and be social. i want to make sure she grows up and becomes a good person with a big heart. i love my baby girl and i would do anything for her. 

3 months

happy 3 months to babygirl 

we took her to the park even though she slept thru it again lol we made our own ramen last night and had some fruity cocktails