taking baby to the book store again to get a book with big pictures. she seems to focus on the big picture books way better than the smaller books. she had a rough morning yesterday and threw up twice in 10 mins. she’s been really fussy the past few days but sleeping thru the night. this morning she peed on me and on the bed right after we washed the comforter. 

omg, once again the mom has to annoy the hell out of me by coming in the room when the baby is crying. she was crying because she was tired and just had her bath. she had what i call “the tired cries”. so the mom comes in and calls her sophie twice. it’s annoying cuz she made it sound like she liked the name better before she was born. now she’s calling her that and it annoys me so much. sophie doesn’t even feel like a nickname it’s just a completely different name??? stop calling my baby a different name. 🙄🙄🙄 then as usual she hints around about holding her by saying “do you want someone else to hold you for a little while?” in baby talk. first like i’m not sitting here there. just ask me omg. always talking like i’m not there but as if it’s directed to me. she was hinting. end of story. she held her last night for a while like back off just let me do mom stuff. even tho if she did ask i would have said no because i had a bottle warming up already and was gonna lay her down, i would have appreciated it better if she just asked if she could hold her. she has been told many times but never does. just hints and tries to manipulate by being all “victim”. 👎🏼

anyways enough about that. going to see Me First & The Gimmie Gimmies with my bf, sister, zack and maybe Paige May 5th. part of me doesn’t feel like going and leaving my baby but if i didn’t go i’d be bummed. i still always feel bad leaving sophia to have any fun like i shouldn’t have fun lol. my mom told me to never think that way because i need to get out sometimes. can’t help feeling that way tho. like i feel wrong for wanting to go out away from her sometimes. 

hair appt

got hair done today and just got a partial and a trim. no more roots again. gossiped with my stylist and my mom and sister came in and brought sophia so she could see her. my stylist and i were talking about ninja turtle pizza with macaroni and cheese on top that she bought and she texted me today saying “it’s happening tonight” and sent me a pic of the pizza 😂 

took baby girl around today with my mom and my sister. she’s being so chill. i gave her a bath and she splashed around and usually when i dry her off and put her jammies on she’s screaming. she was so good tonight she’s even sleeping. hopefully and probably will all night. trying to get her to sleep in her own bed now  for a bit she was sleeping with us and i got lazy about trying to get her to lay down in her own. so far so good.  

she looks like an angel 

baby reindeer

so i broke down and watched Baby Reindeer. i’ve been hearing really good things about it and when my sister told me the guy in it wrote it about his experiences and played himself. thought that was pretty interesting. so i watched it alone and i loved it. i cried and laughed but never did i think id relate so much to him, his decisions, why he did things, his confusion and constant questioning of himself and his choices or feelings. damn. i related to both instances be went thru. the way he went about those things and the whys. but when it comes down to it abuse is abuse. no matter how you handle it, it shouldn’t have happened and abusers are just evil, bad people. i gotta say it was so good i watched it again but with my bf this time. he agreed it was so good. his monologue on stage when he broke down telling the audience what happened to him and how he feels made me tear up pretty badly. i felt that in my heart. 💔 

one thing i will say that bothered me was how he said that they went out of their way to disguise the stalker by making the actress look nothing like the real person. but people have already found the real woman on social media linking her and him through twitter. the way she is in the series is identical to the real woman’s posts. the way she types, what she posts about constantly, obviously looks the same as the actress. she’s already been found out and people keep bugging her i assume is why her comments are turned off now. the woman is clearly mentally ill. you can tell in how she writes and her obsession with politics. i wonder what she thinks about the series, she has to know now since im sure people have been messaging her. yikes idk. 

sophia’s first beach day

bf took of today since he now works weekends 🙄 baby girl wasn’t feeling great a lot of today. she threw up twice and was screaming some of the day. we took her to the beach which was her first time ever seeing the ocean. she liked it. she was calm and just chilled. didn’t even mind touching the sand with feet. i thought she’d hate it because my mom told me when i was a baby and they tried putting my feet in the sand, i recoiled my legs up in disgust lol. 

we went back home after a short evening beach visit and cooked salmon ^u^ and made summer time drinks 

my sisters best friend/family friend’s apartment completely burned up. there was a fire that started in a near by apartment that spread into her apartment and took everything from her and her fiancé. she said the fire was started on purpose. luckily someone was there to save her pets from the fire. that’s so fucked up and awful. 

Sat

so yesterday we didn’t go to the record store cuz i thought my bf wouldn’t buy be one so im like why go? later he tells me he would have 😫 so we took sophia to the park and what do you know she was asleep the whole time 🙂‍↔️ 

so after the park we went grocery shopping and she woke up for a moment in there crying and we couldn’t find her pacifier i think it fell out in the car. so we just got some from the store, opened them in the store and gave it to her. people were staring at us do that. like why? we’re going to pay for it but baby girl needed it asap. she ended up falling back asleep right after. we stopped by Fredgies to get chili cheese dogs

and i was in the car but i heard some guy in a convertible yell to my bf. i figured okay just another person he knows since he knows everyone. but he told me he had no idea who that guy was lmao. this guy yelled “hey joe remember this” and showed him his bicep. like in line at the light when it turned green. this guy is doing that in his convertible yelling to my bf. my bfs like “oh yea dude” lmao he had no clue who it was he said he must know just can’t place him in his head. so on the way back home baby started to scream her head off in the car. crying and yelling.  i was so damn tired yesterday man it was hard staying awake til she did. her schedule lately has been her falling asleep after her bath and waking up around 12-1am. i feed her then she goes back to sleep around 2:30am. wakes up around 5am again to eat and change then back to sleep til like 10:30-11am. it’s about how it’s been for the last week. it always changes though so the next phase might be worse or it could be better. she slept a lot today and she’s currently sleeping in the wrap carrier on me. 

i’m really not happy about my bfs new work schedule. he said he was offered to get paid more for this and he accepted. so he will be working weekends now 😤 he said he’ll probably take like maybe Mondays and Tuesdays off. that just annoys me cuz i like our little weekends together with the baby. i know we can just switch the days out like there really isn’t that much of a difference but i like weekends cuz weekends feel like it’s the days to have fun. he said it’ll just be for a couple months til they find another person since they fired that weird girl who hopefully won’t come back to seek revenge on the shop. people are weird and you never know. speaking of stalkers i kinda wanna watch that Baby Reindeer in netflix. 

a night out

coming down hung over city. not really that bad but i’m so tired and went to bed at 2:30-3am when she finally did. and am awake for no good reason.  got home last night at 11:30pm. so my bfs band was playing with Jimmies Chicken Shack last night and i wanted to go because that band was my childhood. What Do I Do song was it. so went with my sister since bf had to be there way early. so much happened okay so we waited for them to play our songs and we were jumping up and down and singing to the 2 we know best and my freakin’ stick on bra came OUT of my dress. so i didn’t notice right away and i look down and the silicones were OUT. my sister and i ran to the bathroom laughing and i dropped my phone and a man picked it up for me. while i was holding my upper half. i get to the bathroom and take them out and slap them on the ground laughing hysterically with my sister. so i just put them in my backpack and called it a day. 

i wannna say people are so shady and weird. this guy me, bf and friends know is like a coke head right? like to the point where he is annoying about hinting if anyone has any ❄️. he’s done this before where he shows up to parties and just asks around for it and if it isn’t around he leaves. so he comes up to me and i’m like hey what’s yo how are you blah blah and he’s just obviously not interested in chatting. he asks where my bf is and where my other friend is. like why ask if my bf is around does he think he just carries it around wtf. i was like idk he’s on stage right now. so proceeds to ask where my other friend is and im like idk i was wondering too. cuz i was wondering i hadn’t seen him anywhere after chatting and catching up. so he walks off and leaves. i can’t imagine chasing drugs like that. just going place to place asking for it. that’s so shady and gross. like it’s one thing when i’m out and it’s offered and do a one take but i am never going to chase it down and ask around a bunch of places like a addict. and this guy was supposed to help my family find a house like bro. next time i see him i am not gonna be nice. you’re just fake and wanna act nice cuz you want shit. no bye. apparently he also is married to some really pretty foreign girl but he’s always out with other girls when we see him. ✋ 

anyways today my bf and i wanna take sophia to the record store and pick out record. last time we went i got Brand New album. i’m so tired i know she’s gonna wake up soon to eat and change diaper 😔 im tired and i wish i could have kept sleeping. maybe when she wakes up she’ll go back to sleep again. she usually will wake up early morning then after i feed her she goes back to sleep for a couple hours. zzzz annnd she’s awake. 

this is what we do when we take baby girl with us grocery shopping. we put her in like this and just stack groceries around her. 

she was really smiley all day yesterday except the evening as usual lol. but she’s been smiling so much 🥰 

night out for anniversary

went out but it was hard to fully have a great time cuz baby girl was not doing well. she was screaming and crying around the time we were getting ready. my mom said she’d handle it but i could tell she wasn’t in the mood to deal with a screaming baby.  so i kept checking back in and getting updated. went to Yum Yum Hot Pot and ordered a Blue moon and funny the lady asked me how old i was as if i wasn’t old enough to drink. i told her and she then asked me what year i was born like she didn’t believe me. then she was saying “good for you” i guess cuz she thought i looked young. then after dinner and said i look 18. very funny but honestly i wouldn’t say i look THAT young but hey ill take it. 

so after asking my mom in text if we should just come home or could i continue my night. but she said baby was asleep for the time being. so we went out and i felt super uncomfortable about it cuz i felt bad she was dealing with her fussy. but we went out and stayed til about 12:30am. 

okay now it’s time to rant my ass off cuz i’m still super pissed off about this…

so bfs mom… again. harassing me about sophia. she is insane dude like i really think she’s delusional more and more every day. she came into the room yesterday and was like “i just wanna get something off my chest” and basically said she wanted to get a car seat for her car so she can take me and sophia out. saying she doesn’t get enough stimulation and she needs to get out more. so she said she could take us out and drop ME off  “at the mall” while she has sophia and she’d come pick me up when i’m ready…. 

okay so first off, uh… no. fuck no actually. i barely like you having her here and this whole drama is you bitching that you never get to hold her and blah blah. what makes you think id let you take my baby alone in a car anywhere. without me. like… no mother would be chill about someone taking their baby that’s barely 2 fucking months old out without them. not ever. also you drive like shit and jerk the wheel left and right weirdly, slam on breaks. absolutely not. and id never want to go to the mall by myself. what? i don’t go places alone it’s known. it’s out of my comfort zone. his mom is so fucking stupid with that shit. like it makes me wonder are you really fucking dumb? why would i be okay with this idea. likeeeee????? she needs to back the fuck up. my baby is 2 months old and can’t even sit up by herself let alone keep her head up without support fully. she doesn’t need anything but to sleep, shit, eat and be with me. we are literally talking about a new baby here. she’s not 1 years old, not even 6 months. not to mention, bitch i’m on HER schedule because that’s what you do with a 2 month old. you sleep when she sleeps. she’s up late nights and sometimes doesn’t sleep til 5am. she sleeps all day.  she makes it sound like i never do anything with her and im holding her hostage in the room all day. her fucking sly ass comments are confirmed sly. she held her yesterday when she was screaming and she’s talking to my baby saying “are you just boreddddd?” like insinuating she’s bored in the room with me. then don’t get me started on her talking to my baby saying “i never get to see you that much”. like she’s so fucking passive aggressive i can’t. 

so what makes this old lady think she can totally handle sophia out. when sophia is screaming and she has her, what does she do? she brings her right back cuz she can’t handle it. so she can handle sophia screaming in a car seat, pooping, changing and dealing with a car seat and stroller by her old ass self. me and my bf struggle with all of that when we take her out. she is so fucking out there dude it’s like she doesn’t think rationally whatsoever. so my bf is like “well i appreciate that but kaleys getting her car situated soon and will be getting a car seat so we’ll already have all that”. then my bf goes on the porch to tell her he appreciates the offer and stuff trying to be nice and she goes “nothing i ever do is good enough” all salty toned. MY GODDDDD. fucking shut upppppppp. always a victim always woe is me always offended and negative. like the way she acts about this whole situation is super fucking weird. i’m already paranoid she’s going to try and kidnap my baby and give her to some weird cult people. i always said it was an intrusive thought and is just me being irrational but im starting to really believe my intrusive thought now. fucking weirdo. her and her cult bullshit and her conspiracy garbage. just stay away from me. leave me alone. 

like how do we go from my mom trying to explain to you that i’ll be more receptive if you just came right out and asked me to hold my baby. id more than likely say yes unless im busy with her. but no you get offended and say people try and tell you what to do and you were a bitch about it so you jump further and offer to get a car seat and take my baby. seriously either stupid or fucking mentally challenged. i’m tired of it.  an she just be placed in a home? like let me and my bf and my baby live here as our own little family. go away and take your stupid ipad and sit in a chair in a nursing home watching your creepy propaganda. 

my family is right. i’m just gonna have to tell her myself since she isn’t grasping anyone else’s advice. i won’t be nice either. i’m going to have to be stern. 

5 year anniversary

going out tomorrow for our 5 year anniversary. we’re going to yum yum hot pot and then for some drinks after. i wanna be home by 12am. last time i went all out and partied and got home at like 2am and stayed up with friend til 5am. can’t do that anymore. i didn’t like that and needing to be responsible after coming off of partying and no sleep was absolutely brutal and not how i wanna be. so it won’t be crazy late night but we need time out. especially me. i’m gonna dress up and wear new dress i got a week or so ago from dollskill. also thinking about putting on the harley quinn  press on nails my sisters friend made and designed for me. 

slept some finally

finally got some sleep. my mom watched her so i could sleep a bit yesterday evening. last night we decided to start swaddling her again cuz her startle reflexes seem to keep waking her when she’s asleep. so i swaddled her arms and she would sleep but wake up still. so finally i just put her in bed with us, next to me at the foot of the bed and we slept. i know, i know, it’s bad to co sleep again. but i was so desperately needing sleeping and so was she i just let her sometimes. we slept til about 9:30am from 3am. now she’s asleep with me in the wrap carrier. she loves this thing i tell you. she falls asleep right away in it. 

so she’s taking a nap so i finally get a chance to blog. 

ongggg so annoyed again at the damn mom bothering me about “helping”. so my mom was talking to bfs mom and tryi bc to explain to her i do not like her hinting by being like “if you need a break i can take sophia for a while”. i HATE IT. cuz she just wants to hold her that’s all. fine. but stop hinting. so my mom tried explaining this to her saying ill respond better if she just asks. say “hey, can i hold her i haven’t held her in a while” and ill either say yes or no. but ill respond better if she just comes out and asks. his moms like “well im not very assertive”. my mom kept trying and trying to explain and get her to just start asking. but nah. today instead she just forces… i was making coffee and popcorn this morning and she’s like “im gonna help you today.” i’m like “no im fine its ok” she’s like “well im gonna help you. not right now but later…” so i said “im fine tho” and walked back to room while she was still talking. ??????????? so you’re gonna try another way that’s even worse than hinting. you can try 50 new ways at this but i won’t let you. not with this BS. don’t try to force help onto me. like, i’ve had her take sophia and hold her cuz i cave in and let her when i don’t want her to cuz im too nice. and i just end up sitting here with nothing to do. my baby is my life now. she’s what gives me things to do all day. without her i just sit here. so when she takes her i’m just sitting here like ok when is she gonna bring her back to me. i shouldn’t ever feel this way. 

sophia is my baby. if i didn’t ever want her to hold my baby i have the right to do so and as much as it sucks grandma over there should respect it and understand it. i get you wanna hold her cuz she’s so cute but dude you always bring her back when she screams. that isn’t helping me. when i went to the store with my brother the other day, sophia was screaming her head off with her dad and what does his mom do? she goes on the porch and shuts the door so she doesn’t hear it. bro that was your prime time to go hold her and ~hELP~. wtf ?????? this is why i hate being here. i hate living here. if she wasn’t here id love it. but this is why i can’t wait til my mom is able to move out so i can leave here during the day. i hate it here with her here. afraid she’ll interject herself every second sophia cries or i go in the kitchen. so i try to go in the kitchen secretly when she’s not there. i try to avoid that woman any chance i get. 

anyway i am annoyed and i should chill out i don’t want her to ruin my day. i got sleep and my mood was good today. 

i was scrolling on tiktok while i was feeding baby girl and i scrolled to a drake bell video of one of his songs playing that i know super well cuz i use to listen to it years ago on repeat. baby girl got emotional listening to it. her lips were shaking and she cried softly. stopped eating to cry i might add. so i played it 2 different times at different times to see if the reaction was the same and each time she got emotional. in the video drake bell states he wrote that song during his time of assault but in the perspective of a girl.  so sophia must feel that emotional in the voice. picking up on emotion and maybe how the song sounded as well. i think she’s going to grow up to be a very sensitive and kind girl 💜 🥺 baby girl got me teary eyed when she was feeling the emotion listening to that song. she’s gotten emotional like that before with a video game song and with some classical. 

rough night 3635353

i’m losing it. 2 hours of sleep again last night and i’m still awake with her. she. won’t. sleep. i’ve tried everything. i tried keeping her up a lot of yesterday but she just acts all limp and tired during the day. i tried waking her from a nap and she wouldn’t wake up. i’m convinced her sleep schedule is just flipped. but how can i keep her up during the day if she just won’t. she’s up again. i’m so fucking tired. i can barely survive. i’m getting mad and i know it’s not her fault. she’s 10 weeks today when will this phase pass fuck. i can’t handle this. i’m so close to putting her in her bed and going to my car to sit alone. 

rough 3 nights

i didn’t think i was gonna survive that 3rd night of her not sleeping. waking up every 5 mins or less, moving around, crying, nothing working. i was so fucking tired man i almost went to my car and just sat there in silence at like 4am. last night was a lot better. my bf had a show i wanted to go to but i was so exhausted from lack of sleep i chose against it. i stayed home instead. my mom watched sophia for a few hours and i passed out. woke up and she helped me give her a bath. she went to sleep but kept waking up every minute. i got the pacifier and just kept getting up to give it to her and she’d fall right asleep but wake up ever min and the cycle continued until i left the room for a while. i’d check back in on her and she was sleeping every time. she must have felt my presence or some shit. bf came home and we talked to my mom til like 3:30am then sophia woke up and i changed her and fed her. put her back to bed and she was asleep but moved around a lot so i felt iffy about sleeping. so bf and i ate popcorn and just talked quietly. finally went to bed at 5am. she woke up at 7:30am and i fed her and changed her etc. put her back down and so far she’s still asleep but sometimes tossing and turning. i want to take advantage of her sleeping but like yesterday day time i couldn’t sleep. even tho i have no had a nice normal amount of sleep in so long i still can’t. 

but either way, today my bf and i are taking her to the park for more stimulation. gonna try to get her to stay awake most of the day so she’s worn out by night time and will hopefully sleep the whole night. cuz she’s been sleeping all day not night. her hours might be flipped around. 

gonna try again to sleep a bit bed she and he are up for the day. 

weird dream

woke up from her crying at 2:30am again so i fed her but man was my dream weird. 

i was at my old house in stuart and no one was home. my brother, mom, sister. which is weird cuz my brother would normally be home video gaming or something. so i was trying to text him and was like where are you. as i was doing that someone knocked on the door. so i tried to peak and see from upstairs but couldn’t see. then they started to use keys to open the door so i went and acted like i was doing the dishes lol. this lady with 4 kids comes in and im like “um hi?” she said she got copies of the keys from the ad about our house being for rent or something. then she asked if i could babysit her kids on mother’s day. i was like no sorry i cant. she asked why and im like “well im a mom now. so id like to spend it with my family”. she got offended and weird and left. saw her at a bar later in the dream and she was super creepy and weird and wouldn’t leave me alone. 

she didn’t go back to sleep for real til 4:30am and woke to eat at 7:11am. so not great but she didn’t scream her head off so i rather her wake up and whine for pacifier constantly than her screaming and i don’t know what to do. 

she coos at me now and makes really cute sounds as well as smiles. i can’t wait til she starts laughing and making even more “talking” sounds. 

rough night

last night was not her best. she woke up at 2:30am to eat and just screamed and cried until 7am next to me in bed. she was almost uncontrollable and i was losing my mind. i fed her 2.5 bottles and 6 diaper changes in that time frame. i rocked her, sang to her, played music, bounced her around… nothing but screaming her head off. so i was already lack of sleep before all this. i went to bed at 12am and woke at 2:30am. dealt with all that and she finally went to sleep at 7am i think?. i fell asleep until she woke up again at 10am i think? see i don’t even remember what i do anymore. i fed her again and we both took naps til like 2:30 pm. we took a long nap and i let her sleep with me on the bed cuz she wasn’t sleeping in her bed. i fed her again and we took another nap. then she was uncontrollably screaming again through the evening and night. i bathed her and she went to sleep for like 10 mins in her bed but cried again so i fed her and now she’s asleep on me. i’m afraid to move her but i wanna lay down. i’m so tired ive been feeling super lethargic. my period finally started after a whole year so maybe that’s why. of course the lack of sleep doesn’t help either. 

i hope she sleeps all night tonight in her bed 🙏🏼 🙏🏼 🙏🏼 🤞🏼 🤞🏼 🤞🏼 

sophia’s dr appt at 2 months

so my baby girl had a doctors appt this morning and had to get her shots. we were a tiny bit late so they ended up taking in another patient first so we were stuck waiting for an hour. right when we get in she throws up on me. got on my dress, in my hair, on her leg and all over her face. so the start this morning was a bit rough but ended up pretty good. sophia weighs 12.2 lbs now. so funny my bf and i were in car discussing what we think her weight my be at now. i was like “maybe 10 lbs and he’s like i’m gonna say 10.3”. nope. she’s in the 75 percentile. above the average baby. she got her shots today and she screamed while getting them but stopped pretty quickly after it was done. she did so well and she doesn’t need to come back for another 2 months. i’m so happy my baby is growing and doing so well. she didn’t fall asleep until 5am tho so i’m tired af. she is sleeping on me right now and i wanna move her so i can nap too but im afraid if i do she’ll wake up. 

i’m sick of bfs mom constantly saying she thinks sophia’s crying isn’t normal. she needs to stfu and stop trying to insinuate there’s something wrong with my baby. basically what she’s doing is trying to elude to her having like autism or some shit because she’s so anti vax and doctors. fuck off seriously with your conspiracy bullshit my god. she’s literally questioned sophia’s fussiness to me, bf and my mom. always coming up to us saying “ive been watching stuff on youtube….”, “her crying all the time just doesn’t seem normal”…. bro she’s a fucking baby. like???? she’s 2 months old. she just went through if not still a huge growth spurt. she’s perfect. there’s nothing wrong with my baby and she doesn’t have fucking autism because she’s had vaccinations. she’s not autistic and if she even was who gives a fuck. his mom makes me so mad like i can’t. i complain about her all the time cuz i just am so sick of it. keep your cult minded, trump loving, anti vax conspiracy bullshit to yourself. fuck. 

also my mom tried to tell her if she wants to hold my

baby just ask. stop hinting all the time by acting like you wanna help when you just wanna hold her. she constantly keeps saying if i need a break she can hold her. “if you need a break i can hold her for a while”….”it’s ok to need a break”…. break break break. i don’t need a fucking break. im her mother and i need to solve her problems in my own. it’s how i am. i need to comfort her until she stops crying myself cuz i want to. i don’t want a break. stop hinting. stop pretending you just want to help cuz the times you do hold her when she cries you bring her right back cuz you don’t know what to do or how to handle it. so that isn’t even helping. my mom tried to tell her to just ask if she can hold her instead. what does she do… hinting about needing a break again. like i can’t with this lady. 

the weirdest shit too is how she gets offended and takes it personally when sophia isn’t calmed by her. she gets offended and makes comments how sophia doesn’t like her. she’s 👏 a 👏 baby! it’s just so weird. maybe she once again is insinuating that she doesn’t see her enough so sophia thinks she’s a stranger. who knows. she’s always throwing out passive aggressive remarks or stuff like “oh are you bored in that room” when she does hold her  like she’s bored with me in the bedroom during the day. just comments like that. they’re sly and they’re passive aggressive. i can’t stand her im sorry.