Sophia’s first Easter

 

also my expectation vs reality post no one laughed at 

happy 2 months baby girl

pp appointment

postpartum appt at 9am since i had to reschedule last time. i think they look at my stitches down there? 😬 rather them not but i do need to make sure it healed properly down there. baby girl slept better today. yesterday she didn’t sleep til 5am and i didn’t get to sleep til 11am so i was so tired yesterday. some nights are bad and some are okay. she seems to definitely scream and cry more in the evening into the night. bath time at night seems to help her calm down and sleep unless it’s one of those nights where she does not sleep at all. 

so i was thinking about my past. i mean past past, when i was like 16/17 and i was out of regular high school and doing adult education at the college to get diploma. i met this guy there whose name ill keep blank. he was really good looking but not usually my type. he was like “Abercrombie” like or whatever. we went out and he took me to the beach. i had a long distance bf at the time who lived in Orlando. still went out with this guy and we went to the beach where he tried kissing me but i didn’t want to. i backed away and he kept getting in my face and i caved in. i remember i didn’t like it cuz i was feeling guilty about my Orlando bf. he knew i had a bf too which was shitty. he coerced me into having sex with him in the beach which was awful. i remember i couldn’t wait til it was over and i was looking up at the sky singing Billy Joel songs in my head. sand was getting in places, i was getting bit by mosquitoes, it wasn’t comfortable for many reasons. so we do that and it’s time to leave and we’ll what happens? he loses his fucking car keys in the beach and we were like frantically looking for them while i was getting severely attacked by mosquitoes. we walked over to the parking lot where his friend or someone he knew was parked over there. his friend ended up giving us a ride back to my house to drop me off and then back to the guys house that i was with to get the other set of keys from his dad. i sat on his lap in the friends car and i remember he held my hand and i then was like 🥰 i started to think maybe i could have a bf close and go on actual dates and see them every day. well when we went back to school he told me “we’re just friends i thought you understood that”. okay so the guy used me for sex and at the time i was so naive and young. i ended up super mad because i thought he liked me but he just wanted to have sex and i cheated on the Orlando bf just for it to backfire on me. i lost friends at school cuz of it they thought it was shitty if me which it was and basically told me i deserved it. i really wouldn’t go that far bc he coerced me when i didn’t want to. but girls were coming up to me in school asking me if i had sex with him and saying the guy was telling everyone i “pushed him in the sand and got on too of him and started to make out with him” uhhh no. not how it happened at all i said. i was so mad he was telling people lies. so i started to hate this guy. he made sick inside and i avoided him. he would try to talk to me and i wouldn’t reply if just walk away. so i was sitting alone outside school and he was near by flirting with another girl saying the same bullshit he said to me “you’re so pretty you could be a model”… shit like that. anyways he’s so shitty even when i cried to him that beach night, in his truck saying i made a mistake and i cheated and i felt so bad. he said he felt so bad and blah blah. he was trying to go home and i wouldn’t let him. i took his keys and stuff he was begging me to give him keys back cuz his dad would be mad he was still out with the truck and i refused cuz im crazy lol. he then said if i gave him a blowjob he’d stay. wtf? after i cried and shit. i ended up seeing this guy a couple years later at the mall and i wasn’t very nice to him. 

anyways that’s the story of that so i random thought about him and wondered what he was up to and looked him up. apparently he died in 2012. so i looked up anything else i could find to establish it was really the right guy and it was. they have a fb dedicated to posting pics and sending. messages to each other in memory of him. he played guitar for church and seemed super family oriented. funny i saw a comment left by the sister saying she remembers the time he lost his keys… i was there. that was the night she’s referring to. cuz he tried calling her and getting a hold of someone in his family that night. anyways i notice how he seemed like 2 diff dudes. a nice christian family oriented guy but the one i knew was a douche bag who thought he was hot shit. i remember he was gonna start driving me home every day and he talked to my mom and was like “im the guy that’s gonna be driving your daughter home every day” i cringed so hard. 

anyways so i tried finding out how he died but didn’t find anything but people’s comments alluding to a possible car crash and maybe drunk driving. 

so yea that was crazy

on and off

on and off rough nights and days with her every other couple days she’ll sleep the entire night and we’ll take long naps together. but some of these nights/days have been rough. one day she was throwing up a lot, screaming fits that would last about 20 mins each, peeing on me and the blankets, uncontrollable screaming and thrashing around. she scratched my face yesterday freaking out so i need to file her nails again. so tiring and what bugs me so much is my bf gets time away from all of this all the time. he gets to go to work where he has an easy ass job and chill for the most part. yea he takes care of the shop but he has it well made. he gets to go to band practice with friends weekly. he is going to a concert on Saturday to see one of his favorite bands. he may be the one making the money to take care of us but when he comes home sometimes saying “i just need a five min break i just got home…” i lose it. like… i get up every night with her while you sleep thru it, i rock her to sleep and stay awake until she’s fully asleep, i feed her 95% of the time, i hear her cry and i rush to her. i handle her screaming fits, you just listen and complain. i get that’s what moms do but dads should do more with that stuff in my opinion. i prefer to do it because i feel im the only one that knows how to do it the right way but initiate help and stop complaining. last night he was snoring so loud i put one of my stuffed animals Reggie over his face and he goes “you woke me up”…………. yea how sorry i am for waking you ✋ like i was awake at 2:30am feeding her and dealing with her screaming. she fell asleep finally at 4am. just went on a tangent when this post wasn’t intended for that it was to document how it’s going so far oops. 

i just get annoyed he gets to go off and do stuff and get away from a crying baby while i get no breaks. he wants to come home complaining he needs a 5 min break from it 🙄 

i won’t just rant about him i also will say he does do a lot so maybe im just being bitchy?….. nah. but i will say he does do other helpful things. he buys all the food, he pays for us and takes care of us, he makes dinner for me cause a lot of the times now a days i am unable to help cook cause of sophia. he takes her on walks the days i am too tired and if he gets out of work early. he deals with the car seat and carrying her around, dealing with the stroller shit i don’t wanna deal with. he takes us to most all of my appointments and all of her appointments. 

i guess maybe we just have different roles in this new chapter but i still hate how i get no sleep and i deal with her tiring moments and he gets breaks from that by going to work and then do fun stuff. i stand by my rant still ✋ 

Drake Bell

watching this Drake stuff unfold is heartbreaking man. being a huge fan and growing up watching Drake and Josh… the Drake Bell stuff coming out  crushes my soul. he finally came out and exposed his rapist on a new documentary that i wanna watch but at the same time don’t want to watch. i’ve seen pieces of it where he talks about the horrible shit that guy was doing to him and how his mom basically handed him over to the guy. none of us had any idea it was Drake all this time who that guy got arrested for hurting years ago. the guy that id always see in the credits to my favorite Nickelodeon shows growing up. hearing how and what he did to Drake disgusts me to my core. and you know that motherfucker has done this to other kids too. no doubt in my mind that he’s done this before. that motherfucker needs to die. predators preying on kids need to go. they need tortured first and then put out because they don’t deserve to live. i’ve loved Drake Bell forever. i remember in 2008 he came to my piece of shit unknown town fair and performed. i got tickets with my friend and went immediately!! i got good pics too and i remember swearing up and down how he noticed me 😭 

got these pics from my old Livejournal. see this is why i document! 

backtrack from here and rewind. i remember i begged my then bf to take me to see him at the Hardrock in Universal when i was 16. i was late… rushed through security and the guard asked why i was so rushy… i was like…. Drake Bell and i’m late!!! so i finally rushed to his set at the Hardrock and i was there at the end of it but i was so happy cuz i got there and saw him in person lol. 

around the same time i remember emailing him from his website email and sending him pics of me and i got a reply that said “you’re hot any more pics?”…… makes me wonder what creep he had running his site at that time replying to fan email… or maybe it was just him and he thought i was hot 😭 

so crazy but i never stopped being a fan, even after the allegations he had against him a few years ago. something always stuck with me about him. turns out most of the allegations were bullshit anyway. even my old website’s theme was drake bell back in the day. i can prob pull up a way back machine screenshot and if i find it i’ll edit the post. 

but to hear about what happened to him it really crushed me that he went thru that. sadly he’s not the only one who has suffered or who is suffering with sexual abuse in hollywood and  hell in every day life. it sickens me so much and makes me want to cry. i myself am a victim and i live with it every day but i try to ignore it. it’s hard and he had been quiet about his story for so long. im happy he’s able to expose that creepo and try healing. my whole tiktok timeline is drake bell, dan schneider, the rapist Brian and all the Nickelodeon child stars. so it brought me to my past being a fan of Drake Bell and had to post about my Drake experiences 💜 

St Patrick’s Day fair

we went to the mall to look for the “hello kitty store” in the mall which ended up just being a kawaii store full of inexpensive cute stuff. gonna have to go back and get a bunch of stuff for kitchen. i just picked out a hand held hello kitty mirror for my backpack since i can’t find my other one. some kids thought our baby was fake and asked if she was a real baby 😆 she does look fake i always say this. they kept asking to see her cuz they didn’t believe she was real and of course my bf told them she was fake lmao. another little girl sat up out of her seat and looked inside the stroller at her and said “she’s SO cute”. baby girl got all the attention. 

took baby girl to a St Patrick’s Day fair ☘️ we got this bbq cup that’s so gross but tastes really good and got a beer each, walked around and fed baby girl at the fair. i got a pink bear purse too. she started to get cranky toward the end so we left. 

better night

she slept better last night and i wonder if it’s because of the bath at a later hour before bed. gave her a bath at like 10:30 at night and she slept til 4am. it took a bit to get her to go back to sleep though but once she did at 6am she was asleep til 10am. after her 4am feeding she was super fussy trying to go back to sleep. i walked her around and rocked her, sang her songs and none of it worked. so i gave her more food. i fed her half a bottle and she ate it all and ended up falling asleep. funny enough though she slept easier but when she finally does i can’t sleep. i didn’t sleep that well last night. 

rough night pt II

another good ole rough night of baby screaming, screaming and not sleeping. she didn’t go to sleep until 5-almost 6 am. i thought i got lucky at 4am so i put her in her bed and i didn’t even bother sleeping right away cuz i had a feeling… so i watched a youtube video that was 15 mins long and right after she was screaming again. she threw up as well all over my stuffed animals on the bed, me and herself. this is the first time she’s thrown up for real. normally it’s just spit up this time is was projectile. she peed while i was changing her so i had to change her clothes again. i’m so tired but i did get to nap because she napped half of the day. i just fed her and laid her down next to me in the bed again and we took naps. she started up again fussing and crying and i just now got her to sleep. bf is making dinner and i hope she stays asleep so i can eat. after that it’s bath time for her. she smells like cheese 🤧 formula and throw up combo. i drank coffee and i got an energy drink so im thinking about drinking caffeine cuz i have a feeling we’re gonna continue the rough nights with a part III. 😭 

i tried to get her to do “tummy time” gay name but i tried that and put her book in front of her. it lasted maybe 1 min til she cried but she has such a strong head lol

rough night

baby girl did not sleep at all last night. i was like falling asleep while rocking her. finally she fell asleep by 4:30-5am. when we woke up it was 9 almost 10. i told bf how rough it was all night.  idk how he sleeps thru her cries like that. he told me go start waking him up cuz i shouldn’t be awake alone with her struggling. i guess i don’t wake him up cuz i don’t want to be the one to. i want him to just wake up and start helping but it won’t happen when he’s super asleep i guess. i almost asked for help at like 2:30am but i decided to keep trying alone. 

i was laying here so fucking tired in bed and bf was changing her this morning and his fucking mom comes in the room and starts her stupid baby talk. she’s talking to my baby and dumb while my bf is trying to change and feed her and i’m tired as fuck from no sleep. like go away? it’s too early for this shit. it was so uncomfortable i just laid there and waiting for her to fuck off so i could rest some. what the fuck goes on in people’s minds i just don’t know. like id feel it was too early to be going in someone’s room and start talking to their baby when the mother is in there obviously looking rough from a long night after we just said how rough it was… while the dad is struggling to keep her calm trying to change her. idk like read the room? she’s so weird. people are so weird. 

so when my bf left for work she still wasn’t asleep even after feeding. so i finally took out the swaddlers again and put her in one. she fell asleep in my arms and when i put her in her bed she cried. got her out and just laid her next to me and she fell asleep. i took a nap with her next to me. fuck it i was way to fucking tired to care. so i got in a good few hour nap. i woke her to change and feed her and she’s out again. i took advantage of that time and ate something now im gonna try to sleep some too til she wakes up   

first night out since baby

so i finally had a night out and met friends at the bar. first bf and i went to mexican restaurant for a margarita and an appetizer. then we walked over to the bar to see friends. i partied until 5am cuz after the bar closed me, paige and bf went back to the house and talked for so long we didn’t realize it was 5am. my mom cane on the porch and had my baby ready to give to me. i was honestly not prepared for that and it was rough staying awake after a long night out. luckily i got a few small naps in there during the day. bf took off work too cuz we were beat. i gotta say it was fun when out but im honestly good on going out for a while and getting trashed. i got it out of my system and im good on that. 

now im awake with her cuz she won’t go to sleep. idk what to do. my back is hurting so bad from standing and sitting up with her all night. she finally pooped and i thought she’d go to sleep after. i even fed her another bottle and she’s stillllll awake, crying on and off. i read 6-8 weeks is the toughest in the newborn stage and she’s going to be 6 weeks on Tuesday. ugh my friend told me last night that when her baby hit 11 weeks, it got a lot better. sigh that feels so far away

i wish i got pics of myself last night cuz i was complimented by friends at how good i look after baby. like my body looks good… well it looks good in clothes lol i wore a red dress, fishnets and some black platform boots. my stomach looks good in clothes but out of them im still working on losing baby aftermath. 

i want to sleep so bad. i just want her to sleep i feel in getting close but i also thought that an hour and a half ago. 

so overly tired

so didn’t end up going out cuz i’m too tired and good thing i stayed home because baby girl has stomach issues again and was screaming her head off again earlier tonight. she’s asleep now and i should be taking advantage of it and sleep too cuz i barely got any sleep last night but i am trying to spend time with bf and watch a movie. i hope she sleep thru tonight and doesn’t wake up screaming. she’ll prob want to eat again soon. 

bf got us 2 dozen oysters and fish dip today which was so good. we were gonna go out and meet Paige but yea i was way too tired, i wasn’t even ready and it was 7pm so by time i got ready it would have been late. so tomorrow we’re going for margaritas, appetizers and some drinks. hoping to meet friends. 

we went to the WIC appt to get help with formula and stuff. got approved and all. they asked me questions and made

us watch a dumb video. 

i hope she sleep tonight and feels okay and isn’t screaming in pain from her belly 🤞🏼 🙏🏼 

another rough night rant

so baby girl had a rough fucking night again. screamed her head off first part of the night and all i get from my bf is “omggg…. what’s wrong with her… ommgggg shhhhhh”. i told him to sh himself. i don’t see you doing anything. i’m trying to calm my baby down and hold her and sing to her and instead of getting your ass up too to try something. anything. help console her. warm a bottle up. anything… nah. he rather getting annoyed that it’s happening. stfu bitch seriously. while he’s laying there in bed doing absolutely NOTHING to help i go and rush in the kitchen to get a bottle and heat it up. i try one of her newer bottles and when i try to feed her it’s going all over her face. so i have to put her down again, her screaming her head off and rush into the kitchen again and swap bottles. i come back and she’s screaming her head off while he just lays there saying “omggg what’s wrong with her”. im so pissed off it makes me not even want to have a date night. fuck him dude seriously. i am always rushing around in the middle of the night getting bottles and doing this and doing that and he sleeps. when she cries he’s usually sleeping thru it and not helping. i finally get her to lay down at 3am. my back is killing me and i lay down too trying to fall asleep. then she’s back to screaming again an hour later. this time screaming bloody murder in pain and im trying to change her and calm her and what does my bf do again? “omgggg” shut the fuck uppppppppppppp yourselffffff. like literally he’s getting irritable about it but again… i’m always the only one doing anything. so i change her and she’s pooping in pain and screaming her heart out and i start getting watery eyes cuz it’s so overwhelming and awful. he finally ended up getting up and getting a bottle. he came back nicer asking what’s wrong and he feels bad etc etc. fuck you. you don’t feel bad enough to try to console her anytime. you don’t help bro. this is supposed to be a team effort as a couple with a new baby and i feel like it’s just me. i am the one who gets up in the middle of the night every night. when she cries you fucking lay there sleeping??? i’m so mad about this. and watch… i’ll bring it up or he’ll be like “you were mean” blah blah. try to turn it around like he WaSssS helping… oh but he got me the bottle. he was hElPiNg. fuck off. 

last night you complained that i asked you to watch her, instead of asking my mom to watch her while i shower and do my hair cuz you wanted “5 mins to relax after work” seriously??? this is your kid too. why not spend time with her. talk to her. console her. hold her. do something with her. all i wanted was to wash my hair and blow dry it cuz i didn’t get to all day. i was taking care of baby all day and had no time to myself either. so he finally agreed to just watch her instead of giving her to my mom. i shower and come back and he complains i wanna blow dry my hair in the room. he rather me go into the hot bathroom where we have a portable fan cuz its that hot in there and stand there blow drying with heat for 45 mins. so he complains he wants to watch a movie and can’t if i blow dry my hair in the room. like??? i finally get a chance to and i can’t even do my hair in the section of room i made specifically for this reason cuz you want to watch a movie. after i snap back about it he says he can play bass while i do it but he needs the chair i’ll be sitting in for my hair……….. so im like fine ill go in the hot bathroom and suffer in the heat so you can watch your fucking movie. i go in there and do my hair and die of heat. my hair is sticking to me cuz it’s so hot and humid in there and doesn’t come out nicely. it was pointless. i couldn’t even do my hair the way i wanted to. i come out of the bathroom and he’s on his phone. not even watching the movie. god i can’t. i can’t take it. i’m so angry so fucking frustrated at him and everyone. sick of his mom sick of him i just fucking don’t wanna be here. i wish i didn’t have to live in this stupid house with anyone. i’m even breaking out from stress. 

edit: just cried and told bf my frustrations and he said he’ll make more effort at night helping. we’ll see how that goes. we have an appt with WIC to help me with formula and stuff since it’s getting so expensive with diapers and formula and this and that. so we have to bring her with us to the appt. i’m so tired i don’t wanna go talk to anyone. i just wanna take naps with my baby :( i feel like im breaking a bit. my blood pressure is super low too like dangerously low so i should probably stop taking the low blood pressure meds. they never really told me when to stop. i’m also barely eating. i don’t eat all day bc it’s like a choice between eating or getting sleep when she naps and i always choose sleep. i’m so tired so very tired

possible date night

thinking about goin’ out for oysters and for some drinks friday or saturday. date night if you will. first date night since baby girl was born. first night out for drinks in like 9 months. depending on her that is. if she’s still screaming and having problems and just not feeling good i will not go out. we’ll see how she feels and if my mom is cool with watching her. i just really feel like i need to have a night out. i’m pretty much inside all day every day with her in the room. taking naps, feeding her many times a day, consoling her and i just need out. i feel cabin fever by the end of the weeks. part of me feels guilty leaving her though even if just for a night out. i miss dressing up and going out to be honest. so it’d be nice to have a date night out. she’s 5 weeks old now and i think that’s okay age to leave her with my mom when i go out. but as i said i won’t leave her if she’s not feeling good. 

she keeps moving around and slightly waking up but going back to sleep each time so i’m still awake cuz it’s hard for me to sleep when she’s like that. i prefer her to be sure to be asleep before i sleep. she was ornery all night too. might be time for her to wanna eat again and it’s like, why bother sleeping if she’s gonna be waking up for sure soon. i hope she feels better tomorrow cause man we had a rough day/night. poor baby girl 😞 so changed her formula from similac sensitive to enfamil gentle ease. see if it helps with her stomach or anything 

rough day

baby girl was screaming bloody murder today from trying to poop. we had 3 episodes of her screaming and crying and pooping. the second episode after she finally went some, i changed her and she calmed down, i cried. just emotions run. it’s a lot seeing her like that breaks my heart. causes me anxiety cuz i can’t do anything really. i did the leg exercises on her and rubbed her stomach but she just screamed her head off. it happened again a third time but so far it seems like she got it out. i thought maybe trying a different formula would help but the more i look into it the more i feel like it’s not constipation. she’s going and all looks normal but she’s struggling because she’s not using the correct muscles. she is still learning how to poop i guess. it’s called dyschezia or something. basically she isn’t relaxing her muscles and instead is using her diaphragm which is why her belly gets hard when she tries and is tightening her 🕳️ . so all i can do is keep doing the leg exercises to help her relax her muscles to let it happen. reminds me of when i was giving birth. i was doing the same kind of thing. i was not using the correct muscles to push her out. they told me to use the muscles i use to shit and i kept not understanding how with all the pain and the holding and counting. well, she is still learning and im hoping over time she’ll be able to poop easier cuz man its brutal watching her scream like that. it’s so heart breaking. 😞  i hate seeing her in any kind of pain or discomfort. 

good dr appt

Sophia girl’s dr appt Friday went so well. she now weighs 9 lbs and 8 oz. i was so worried she wouldn’t meet a goal weight but she succeeded beyond  and how? by doing it my way and feeding in demand until she gets full. she pretty much will down a 4 oz bottle sometimes during breaks but sometimes at once. she won’t need shots again til her second month. i was asking about her head shape cuz im paranoid about it but the dr said her head shape is normal and good 👍🏼 she gave us a new book to read to her and she told us she really can only see black and white, high contrast images. i heard that on tiktok and figured it was BS cuz what baby is telling people that’s how they see. but i’ll take what the dr says as true. what do i know anyway im no dr. she told us to do “tummy time” for her and it’ll also decrease her tall head but baby heads still are growing and forming together. she is only 1 month now anyways she’s still so damn young i guess i need to relax. all in all im so happy her appt went well and there wasn’t inconsolable crying going on. she cried of course when we had to undress her and the dr had to check her out but she stopped quickly after i was holding her. last times she was just pissed. 

we took her to the park and we fed her outside under a big tree with lots of ducks and animals around. i know she can’t see much of them cuz the sun is still sensitive to her eyes but i held her and tried showing her some plants and trees 🥺 

we were going to take her to that book reading but my bro is right. there is a measles outbreak or some shit somewhere in florida and he thinks we shouldn’t go where a bunch of kids are without her shots yet. so to be cautious we don’t wanna take her yet to the reading where she’d be in close-ish quarters with other kids. so we took her to the park and we were going to bring her to the store but she freaked out so we brought her back home to nap. 

then my bf and i went out, ran errands and grabbed some cuban coffee. made lots of store stops to grab groceries, a broom, my eye lashes and some other shit. i actually had a chill night and drank some Blue Moons and watched movies with bf. went to bed at 2am and i stopped being able to sleep at 4:30am. so i fed baby and she’s just chilling on my lap. waiting for her to go back to bed so i can lay back down and get more sleep. omg i was changing her last night cuz she pooped and she ended up peeing on with diaper off so it got all over and i grabbed a cloth that was microfiber so the pee rolled off the cloth and onto the comforter down to my legs, her back and just all over. so i had to wash comforter and bathe her right after. while the water was warming up she peed on me again. 😑

sisters bf is coming by later to fix something wrong with bfs vehicle. not sure what else there is planned. 

1 month old

you’re already one month old officially today baby girl. 💕 🥰