postpartum

babygirl pediatrician appt at 9am. hate going there it feels like the same feeling i felt going to school as a kid. it’s early, cold and i’m tired af. just an off feeling that doesn’t feel comfy. i always wished i was back home in bed with blankets. i mean i stilll feel that way now honestly. so tomorrow they’re gonna weigh her and im curious if she gained a good amount and is in the proper percentile for her at 4 weeks. i try to do everything right and i always worry im doing it wrong. but things have been better for sleep a little bit just by feeding on demand and not in a schedule. i was feeding her i think too much at 125 ml. we’re going to dial it down to 100 ml for a while because she does spit up and i think she drinks too fast. she has also been choking on her formula/milk so im worried im feeding her too much? i read you can’t over feed a baby really cuz they’ll tell you when they don’t want to eat anymore by spitting the bottle out or just not accepting it but she keeps going i think even when she’s full i feel. i could be wrong. i also think some of the bottles im using are for older babies and i think shes choking on the amount that comes out. so i am sticking the the other bottles and putting her at 100 ml for a bit. so when the pediatrician asks i’ll just say 100 😬 

shes still having trouble going poop. idk if it’s the formula or… so i’ve been giving her gas drops for her belly and i might try another formula to see if it does anything different. even though we just bought a huge thing of the stuff she’s eating now. i also got more probiotic drops coming in the mail for her i feel like those helped her go. now that i ran out she’s not going as often. so they may have been helping. i just hate seeing her in pain and screaming her head off. i start feeling helpless like idk what to do. there’s nothing i can do really. i hate it so much. :(

i’ve been feeling down. irritable and just pissed off when people are around me. idk if it’s postpartum depression or what but that’s been going on for me. just not happiness toward anything i enjoy or would like. my bf even offered to take me to dinner this weekend but i just felt nothing. no excitement or anything. i think this stage of baby is kind of taking its toll on me a little. i’m starting to feel again like im in the same routine of monotony. waking up every few hours, feeding baby, trying to sleep when she sleeps, getting her to sleep, trying to make her happy by reading, singing, rocking. it’s just over and over the same thing. bf comes home and we make dinner. feed baby and try to get her relaxed enough to sleep to do the cycle again. i’m always in the room daily with her and i want to go out but i can’t drive my car i don’t have a car seat in there and my car is too small anyways for that. just feel kinda stuck in the same every day. i know it’ll get better when she’s older and can do more like sit up by herself and eat real foods. she’ll laugh and will be able to fit in more of her outfits. just right now it’s still brand new and she’s still very young. i mean she’s only 4 weeks as of yesterday. just the newborn stage really is tough and lonely. 

i also watched something i regret watching that makes

me cry talking about it. i guess watching Youtube’s darkest videos or whatever was the title i should have ignored. i normally always watch that dark stuff. but since being pregnant and have a baby i really stepped back from that stuff. when crime has to do with kids i am unable to handle it as i could before. it wasn’t even anything graphic but what was going on behind the video and us having that knowledge of it after seeing it is disgusting and heartbreaking. i haven’t been able to erase the first video out of my mind i really need to stay away from dark stuff