new feeding schedule

last night we decided to feed baby girl on demand rather than a schedule. the dr insists us on feeding her every 2-3 hours night and day but honestly my baby isn’t getting enough sleep i feel. the constant waking her up in her deep sleep seems like it’s not helping anything. so we’ve decided we’re gonna try and just let her sleep and let us know when she wants to eat. we fed her at 1:30am and i let her sleep. she didn’t fall asleep until like 3am.  for some reason she was awake. maybe cuz we were up talking and stuff. she cried on and off, waking on and off at 5am so i decided it was time to change her and feed her and yup… she ate and went back to sleep. i’m gonna go by what i feel is right for her and i believe she needs her sleep and she’ll let me know when she’s hungry or wants anything. i took to reddit and it seems most babies will let you know and it’s usually between 2-4 hours. which i’m cool with as long as im not forcing her awake. 

i was in a bad mood all day yesterday, feeling irritated and tired. well, that’d be cuz i was tired…am tired.  she wasn’t going to sleep yesterday and i cannot sleep until i know she is asleep. so i barely slept. we took her to the park yesterday and i drank a bottle of wine through out dinner and the night. we made chicken and broccoli dish and my mood improved. i should be asleep since she is but she moves around and makes noises in her sleep and it makes me feel worried she’ll wake up so i end up still awake. my moms watching her later today so i can catch up on sleep at least. i’m so over tired. sleeping an hour every now and again isn’t cutting it. i am a little bit worried about my bi polar acting up. when i don’t sleep my mania gets triggered. but so far im just irritable most of the time. i noticed after i pump i get tired and depressed though. not sure how much longer ill want to keep pumping. i want to at least do it for her first month. she’ll be 4 weeks old on tuesday and has her next dr appt on Wed. i hope she is gaining a good amount of weight. i plan on upping her intake to 90 ml at least by time her appt is. i prefer 100 ml tho. i might just make a 100 ml bottle and see how much she eats. she ate a whole 100 ml a bit ago when my mom wasn’t sure how much to make. she ate it all and didn’t spit it up so maybe she’s ready to get that much in now. 

i feel like everything is a learning experience with this like trial and error. i’m brand new at mom hood and learning that i need to just do what i think is right and stop worrying so much about what people are saying. 

i need to try to sleep now even though im always worried she’ll wake up or be upset in some way that makes me sad. we are going to take her to Barnes and Noble to pick out a book to read to her. i read her a book called Good Night Goon one of his friends bought us. i can’t read the one from the pediatrician without crying like a bitch cuz its so emotional. i’ve tried reading it like 5 diff times bro i just can’t fucking do it without getting so emotional. this will also be her first time out in a store like setting. i wanted to avoid that until after she is 1 month because i am paranoid about her being around possible sick people in the world. but i think it’ll be okay, i mean we sat in the waiting room at the pediatrician with a sick kid in there coughing and she was fine. i wasn’t too fine with it but she’s okay so far.