💕Sophia Lily born Jan 30th at 4:03pm 7 lbs 8 oz💕
so they tried inducing me and gave me this stuff that they stuck up my cervix to soften it. i felt okay until i didn’t. i tried to manage the pain and deal but it got to a point where the cramping was getting to me. no big deal, they shot me up with oxytocin. i felt fucked up immediately. like dream state, like i wanted to close my eyes, sleep, laugh, it made me itch. idk but i didn’t like it after a few mins. i tried closing my eyes and sleeping. it did help manage the pain i did not feel any anymore. until i did again. this time it got so bad i was ready for the epidural. i got the epidural and it was pretty painful going in and uncomfortable. from here it feels like that was a fever dream and it never happened. but i was probably tired and drugged from the oxytocin that it felt like not real. the epidural managed the pain a little but i didn’t feel numb in my legs or really anywhere. i started getting agonizing pain. like i was crying and i was writhing around on the hospital bed. i tried to ignore it. i kept pushing the epidural button to get more and more pumped into my back and nothing. i was at the point where i didn’t know what to do cuz i couldn’t fucking take that pain. i was loud and whining and moaning holding onto the rails of the bed. finally they got the midwife in and she asked me if i was numb in different areas i said no. she’s like ???? you should be numb in your legs from crotch down. i wasn’t. so they said the epidural wasn’t put in the right spots. so i could either get shot up of more oxytocin or have them redo the epidural. i dreaded it cuz the epidural hurt a lot and i didn’t like the oxytocin. so finally the pain was so fucking severe i opted to just have the epidural replaced. a different person put the epidural in and i felt the numbness. my legs were numb and cervical checks done by the OB was no longer excruciating. i was finally numb and i could deal. until i couldn’t… again. they had me lay in different positions because we were trying to get my baby to move cuz she shifted. so they tried all these positions and things and i was just in pain. this one position was brutal and my lower back felt like it was straight up on fire. that pain was so intense i rather have died. my sister cried and left the room she couldn’t handle being in there with my shouting and screaming in agony. my bf cried and tried comforting me. my mom started to get pissed off and called in the nurses and straight up asked for them to do something cuz i was not ok and i shouldn’t have been feeling that way when there are methods to ease the pain. i’m in a hospital for christ sake. so the nurses asked the main dr what to do & when he came back i thought he was gonna recommend a c section. i didn’t care i wanted my baby out i couldn’t take the suffering. instead he wanted to check how dilated i was and he’s like “oh she’s an 8 or a 9. which means it was time to try and push her out. i was dreading it because the thought of the pain and pushing was unbearable but i didn’t have a choice. the only way to go was forward.
so i started pushing and trying different ways of pushing by making makeshift ropes on bars to pull on, to grabbing handles to pushing with my legs together, apart, on my sides. it hurt so fucking bad. the pain that was happening was my baby positioning around properly. so they said the epidural doesn’t always help those back areas which is stupid. so i basically was going thru labor unmedicated. it took 3 hours of pushing and passing out. i would pass out in between breaks cuz of exhaustion, no sleep and hadn’t eaten since the day before which was barely anything. you can’t eat on the epidural or the pain meds so i was so hungry and weak. i’d pass out and snore a second and pop back up ready to push when my contractions came in. each contraction which hurt like hell and i had to push my way thru. they were finally telling me they could see her head. so they put a mirror in front of my vag & i could see her head and her hair. i basically watched myself birth my baby cuz they figure if i can see her it would motivate me to push harder than ever. her head finally i could see it!!! she was almost out. i stopped taking as many breaks and just kept going and going and finally her head popped out, her shoulders were the hardest and most painful of her coming out. and pop. she was out. her umbilical cord was around her neck so they quickly took it off and she was on my belly. i cried with exhaustion, relief, disbelief and joy. she was so come headed lol her head is still getting back to normal. we were all crying. i fed her there for the first time and burped her. it was insane. i can’t believe i did this. i went thru intense pain but she’s here and i love her so much. so it was a long, hard process and im glad it’s over. we had to stay there for 2 more nights before getting discharged.
i was so ready to go home. we were so done with the hospital. they kept always coming in my room to check vitals and such. so i never got sleep there i was not even able to recover. we were also waking up every 3 hours to feed and change her. one of the nights was brutal. she was screaming bloody murder and wouldn’t stop. we didn’t know what to do. it was hard that night but so far she’s been easier. hasn’t really cried like that since. maybe once but nothing like that day. they told us she had looked like she had jaundice. so they tested it but her levels were low enough we didn’t have to stay another night. hallelujah! they make you set up a pediatric appointment and get her one within 48 hours. so no recovery time for me again. we took her to her first appt and they said the tests came back higher levels of jaundice. she we were told to give her vitamin d drops in her bottles and feed her every 2 hours now. so every 2 hours were up. he heats the bottles and stuff but i feed her cuz i prefer it. it’s true that i feel no one can do it right like me. she has another appt on Monday where they check her jaundice levels again. i hope she’s better otherwise we have to take her to hospital where they put her under these big lamps and will prob have to be there for another 24 hours. 1) i don’t want that cuz that’s scary for her and it breaks my heart. 2) i just wanna be back to normal at home with our baby. i hope she’s okay. :( she’s beautiful tho regardless and i love her so much. i never thought id have a baby nor feel this way but man it really changes you.
i wasn’t going to breastfeed or pump but now that the milks come in i think ill try pumping. my boobs are huge and are full. every doctor we go to is like pushing the breastfeeding onto you. like annoyingly. my bf asked “are they look a breastfeeding cult or what”. so i figure ill try it and get them off my back and 2) give it a chance cuz maybe i can handle it and it won’t bother me. but at least i could say i tried. we’ll see what happens.
welcome sophia we love you
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