my baby girl is a month old

haven’t let myself cry in a bit, like cry cry. just thinking about my baby and how much i love her got me so emotional and crying right now. she’s already a month old and i can’t handle it. i can’t wait to see her grow more and more each day and reach new milestones but i will always miss how tiny she is right now and ill never have it again. i am trying to enjoy it as much as i can. sometimes the stress gets to me, the lack of sleep, the difficulty in the newborn stage but damn will i miss it ❤️ 

no appt today

tried taking baby girl to her dr appt but got turned away because i haven’t switched her insurance company over. it hasn’t even been 30 days yet i should have still been seen. got into my first real argument with bf this morning over it in the car since she was born. he asks me why i haven’t called or mentioned that we had to call but i have mentioned it once before. also sorry that shit isn’t on my mind right now. literally i’m getting barely any sleep and i am dealing with my baby. calling or talking about insurance slips my mind. annoying me i told him to cry a river about it 😂 luckily it’s all sorted out and her plan switch is in progress and should be good to go for her new appt on friday morning. i was suppose to call the front desk girl back about it after but i couldn’t figure out how to. tried calling the number but it took me some where weird so hung up. she ended up calling today so i’ll call her back tomorrow 🙄 hate calling and talking in the phone. such anxiety over it. that’s why i hadn’t called insurance until last min. 

bf wants to take baby girl to a Barnes and Noble group reading for kids this weekend. i think that’s really cute. he said even tho she won’t understand anything yet it’s good for her to be doing things like this. so we might do that and take her to the park again. 

not much sleep last night for me because she didn’t go to sleep til 4am and i had to wake at 6am to feed her. then 8am for the appt that didn’t go thru. exhausted so thank god my mom took part of the day off today and she watched her so i could sleep a little. i feel better but i notice im moodier when i sleep more than when i don’t. kinda feel moody right now but i don’t want to feel that way so im trying not to be. 

postpartum

babygirl pediatrician appt at 9am. hate going there it feels like the same feeling i felt going to school as a kid. it’s early, cold and i’m tired af. just an off feeling that doesn’t feel comfy. i always wished i was back home in bed with blankets. i mean i stilll feel that way now honestly. so tomorrow they’re gonna weigh her and im curious if she gained a good amount and is in the proper percentile for her at 4 weeks. i try to do everything right and i always worry im doing it wrong. but things have been better for sleep a little bit just by feeding on demand and not in a schedule. i was feeding her i think too much at 125 ml. we’re going to dial it down to 100 ml for a while because she does spit up and i think she drinks too fast. she has also been choking on her formula/milk so im worried im feeding her too much? i read you can’t over feed a baby really cuz they’ll tell you when they don’t want to eat anymore by spitting the bottle out or just not accepting it but she keeps going i think even when she’s full i feel. i could be wrong. i also think some of the bottles im using are for older babies and i think shes choking on the amount that comes out. so i am sticking the the other bottles and putting her at 100 ml for a bit. so when the pediatrician asks i’ll just say 100 😬 

shes still having trouble going poop. idk if it’s the formula or… so i’ve been giving her gas drops for her belly and i might try another formula to see if it does anything different. even though we just bought a huge thing of the stuff she’s eating now. i also got more probiotic drops coming in the mail for her i feel like those helped her go. now that i ran out she’s not going as often. so they may have been helping. i just hate seeing her in pain and screaming her head off. i start feeling helpless like idk what to do. there’s nothing i can do really. i hate it so much. :(

i’ve been feeling down. irritable and just pissed off when people are around me. idk if it’s postpartum depression or what but that’s been going on for me. just not happiness toward anything i enjoy or would like. my bf even offered to take me to dinner this weekend but i just felt nothing. no excitement or anything. i think this stage of baby is kind of taking its toll on me a little. i’m starting to feel again like im in the same routine of monotony. waking up every few hours, feeding baby, trying to sleep when she sleeps, getting her to sleep, trying to make her happy by reading, singing, rocking. it’s just over and over the same thing. bf comes home and we make dinner. feed baby and try to get her relaxed enough to sleep to do the cycle again. i’m always in the room daily with her and i want to go out but i can’t drive my car i don’t have a car seat in there and my car is too small anyways for that. just feel kinda stuck in the same every day. i know it’ll get better when she’s older and can do more like sit up by herself and eat real foods. she’ll laugh and will be able to fit in more of her outfits. just right now it’s still brand new and she’s still very young. i mean she’s only 4 weeks as of yesterday. just the newborn stage really is tough and lonely. 

i also watched something i regret watching that makes

me cry talking about it. i guess watching Youtube’s darkest videos or whatever was the title i should have ignored. i normally always watch that dark stuff. but since being pregnant and have a baby i really stepped back from that stuff. when crime has to do with kids i am unable to handle it as i could before. it wasn’t even anything graphic but what was going on behind the video and us having that knowledge of it after seeing it is disgusting and heartbreaking. i haven’t been able to erase the first video out of my mind i really need to stay away from dark stuff 

new feeding schedule

last night we decided to feed baby girl on demand rather than a schedule. the dr insists us on feeding her every 2-3 hours night and day but honestly my baby isn’t getting enough sleep i feel. the constant waking her up in her deep sleep seems like it’s not helping anything. so we’ve decided we’re gonna try and just let her sleep and let us know when she wants to eat. we fed her at 1:30am and i let her sleep. she didn’t fall asleep until like 3am.  for some reason she was awake. maybe cuz we were up talking and stuff. she cried on and off, waking on and off at 5am so i decided it was time to change her and feed her and yup… she ate and went back to sleep. i’m gonna go by what i feel is right for her and i believe she needs her sleep and she’ll let me know when she’s hungry or wants anything. i took to reddit and it seems most babies will let you know and it’s usually between 2-4 hours. which i’m cool with as long as im not forcing her awake. 

i was in a bad mood all day yesterday, feeling irritated and tired. well, that’d be cuz i was tired…am tired.  she wasn’t going to sleep yesterday and i cannot sleep until i know she is asleep. so i barely slept. we took her to the park yesterday and i drank a bottle of wine through out dinner and the night. we made chicken and broccoli dish and my mood improved. i should be asleep since she is but she moves around and makes noises in her sleep and it makes me feel worried she’ll wake up so i end up still awake. my moms watching her later today so i can catch up on sleep at least. i’m so over tired. sleeping an hour every now and again isn’t cutting it. i am a little bit worried about my bi polar acting up. when i don’t sleep my mania gets triggered. but so far im just irritable most of the time. i noticed after i pump i get tired and depressed though. not sure how much longer ill want to keep pumping. i want to at least do it for her first month. she’ll be 4 weeks old on tuesday and has her next dr appt on Wed. i hope she is gaining a good amount of weight. i plan on upping her intake to 90 ml at least by time her appt is. i prefer 100 ml tho. i might just make a 100 ml bottle and see how much she eats. she ate a whole 100 ml a bit ago when my mom wasn’t sure how much to make. she ate it all and didn’t spit it up so maybe she’s ready to get that much in now. 

i feel like everything is a learning experience with this like trial and error. i’m brand new at mom hood and learning that i need to just do what i think is right and stop worrying so much about what people are saying. 

i need to try to sleep now even though im always worried she’ll wake up or be upset in some way that makes me sad. we are going to take her to Barnes and Noble to pick out a book to read to her. i read her a book called Good Night Goon one of his friends bought us. i can’t read the one from the pediatrician without crying like a bitch cuz its so emotional. i’ve tried reading it like 5 diff times bro i just can’t fucking do it without getting so emotional. this will also be her first time out in a store like setting. i wanted to avoid that until after she is 1 month because i am paranoid about her being around possible sick people in the world. but i think it’ll be okay, i mean we sat in the waiting room at the pediatrician with a sick kid in there coughing and she was fine. i wasn’t too fine with it but she’s okay so far. 

things my baby does that are okay but i googled

baby girl does a lot of things in her sleep and i am like ??? “is she ok??” so i take to google like always and rapidly type multiple different times a day to make sure its fine. 

1) eyes open and rolling around in her sleep. so i looked that up cuz its freaky af. it’s just her REM sleeping. 

2) her making grunting sounds in her sleep often. apparently she does that when she’s also dreaming or is trying to poop in her sleep. 

3) hiccups multiple times a day. i can’t figure it out even with google because i don’t get why it happens so often but apparently it’s safe and nothing bad. she’s done this since the womb so maybe it’s how she’s swallowing idk. 

4) hard to get her to burp. i tried various methods to get her to burp and she doesn’t every time but apparently that’s okay. i still try half way in between feeding and then after. 

also according to like everyone and everything i’ve been reading, the baby lounger we got her is not safe and should not be used long or in her bassinet. she sleeps so much better with it but they say it’s a suffocation hazard if she rolls over into the sides but she doesn’t roll over in it. she stays on her back in it but off the lounger she rolls to her side. the lounger keeps her in her back. she hates the bassinet otherwise cuz she can’t feel sturdy. she rolls around on it. the mattress in it sucks so she doesn’t feel good in it. which is why i put the lounger in it. the big tags on the bassinet say don’t add extra stuff to it but she sleeps so much better. so im not sure what to do. i feel like a bad mom if i ignore the stuff i read about risks and hazards but at the same time i feel she’s fine. if i really didn’t think so i wouldn’t put her in it like that. so i think since im such a light sleeper, i wake up constantly to check her and i wake up every 2-3 hours to feed her anyways ill continue to let her use it anywhere. if i were not in the room and i left her to sleep for hours i wouldn’t leave her unattended in it. if i see she’s showing signs of rolling around in it, ill remove it, but for now it stays. 

another things that’s a big no that i do is i give her small blankets to be warm. i wrap her in it but keep her arms out so if she ever did roll over she would be able to get up and out. i’m coming to realize everyone is different and do different things with their babies. some things are not okay to others and some are but you do what you think and feel is right for your baby and situation. i never leave her unattended for long periods of time. hardly even short periods but if i have to run to kitchen to grab bottle then she’s safely placed. 

it’s hard being a new mom cuz everything worries you and you don’t know what’s really right or wrong

fed up

one thing i’m saying right now for the record, i do not give a fuck about anyone’s feelings except my baby's. the important thing to me is my baby and nothing else. 

going thru drama with people cuz they’re trying to manipulate to get what they want and now it’s having to do with my baby. not here for that so fuck off. 

bfs mom is acting like a real weirdo about things. it’s pissing me off, in fact pissing us all off. she tries this ~woe is me i’m a victim no one likes me bullshit that i can’t stand. she always does this. she’ll let you know by making passive aggressive comments and it’s always “no one talks to me. no one includes me. no one likes me. wah wah” she puts it in her own head too.  there’s been recent times when my bf and i will be talking to her in the kitchen and then the moment me and him are just talking she gets offended. she’ll make comments like “you guys don’t have to whisper i can leave”…..??? then we’ll be talking in a room and she’ll be like “what are you guys saying about me?” like in a “joking” way but she’s not joking. it’s like if you’re not talking to her she takes immediate offense. she got weird at my baby shower where she disappeared and sat away from everyone cuz there was probably a point where she wasn’t being spoken to. like that day was about me but in her head it’s about her in some way. then here is most recent examples that royally pissed me off. 

-we were at the hospital when i was being induced. which by the way we told her she didn’t need to be there during this cuz it’s a lot of waiting around and it in fact took 2 days. so she shows up to visit and while we were all in the hospital room she just stops talking and goes silent for a long time. i knew at that point she was mad or upset cuz she stopped talking to anyone and sat in the corner of the room on an ipad. she gets up and goes “i guess i’ll leave now. i’m not needed here”. “no one will miss me” comments like that. all because my sister and my mom were talking to each other and i was talking here and there too while i was being medicated. i asked my bf if she was mad

or something and he’s like “nah she’s prob just tired” but i fucking knew she was being like this cuz ~no one was talking to her~ this is a pattern i’m noticing and started noticing more as of lately. 

fast forward to now and omg 🙄🙄🙄 we were getting the extra bassinet and swing out from my moms car and my moms like “maybe we can put the swing out here in living room so we can have one out here for her to be in” and his mom had to make a rude, passive aggressive remark about how she’s never out there and some other bs that offended my mom. my mom comes in and is like “the mom is mad” and i asked why. she told me what happened and i told my bf. bf was pissed off and said he’d have a talk with her cuz there was no reason for those remarks. so she says she feels like she’s not included with the baby and she wants to be included. she said she never gets to watch or hold the baby. i understand. but like? it’s only been 2 weeks… ’m still newly bonding with my not even 3 week old baby. i’m still recovering. more importantly this isn’t about her or her feelings and time. it’s about my baby and me. so fuck everything she’s bitching about. it’s my baby. if i don’t feel comfortable with his mom watching her or just flat out don’t want her to. that reason is valid enough. it’s MY baby. like???? why is she so immature??? this is a 74 year old fucking woman acting passive aggressive, and trying to manipulate the situation because she thinks she’s a victim around everyone. i can understand feeling a certain way about all of this but like to go about it the way she is as an adult is weird. 

so after all that my bf took sophia and let his mom hold her. she held her for like an hour and i was in the kitchen seething and on the verge of tears. it felt like i was forced to let go of my

 baby for someone to hold her. it wasn’t my choice it felt forced upon me because of her childish tantrum. i’ve come to find i just don’t like his mom. she’s nice and let my family live here for so long rent free and let me have parts of the kitchen to decorate and paint. but this victim woe is me absolute bullshit is not cool with me and i won’t bend over backwards to appease this woman. you can be nice to me. but doesn’t mean i like you. sometimes people just don’t like people and there isn’t always a rhyme or reason. there wasn’t really a real reason why i didn’t like her but now im seeing things that i don’t like about her. she’s a conspiracy believer, trump supporter and brainwashed by cults. so that in itself i never liked about her but i was like whatever she’s feeble minded and brainwashed. but this whole act is pushing me over the edge with her. 

when she comes to me and asks if her friend can see my baby when i didn’t want anyone around her yet. i am too nice and i cave in. she thanked me for letting me let her friend see her. here’s the thing, i don’t give a fuck about your friend or what she wanted. i don’t give a fuck about what you want either. i only give a fuck about my baby and what she wants and needs. seriously anyone else can fuck off. 

my bf comes to me and tells me his mom made more passive aggressive comments because my bf stayed home from work today again. he took off yesterday and today cuz we’ve been tired and he wanted to stay home with me and his baby. she has to ask him why he’s home again and he’s like i told you i was staying home a few days. she has to make rude comments about how there’s no communication and no communicates with her. see the pattern here? ~No OnE TaLkS tO MeEH~ stfu. sick of it. we as a family do our best, are we super out going with others? no. but that’s who we are and we’ve explained this multiple times. we even go out of our way (mostly my mom) to try to talk and include her. it’s never enough. like do you think my mom wants to chat it up at 5am when you wake up and shoot the shit? the living situation my mom is still in isn’t something that really whips her into a verbal frenzy every day. why can’t this woman understand that? she’s upset because i choose my own mom to watch my baby and not her. sorry not sorry? she’s my fucking mom and is the only one i feel comfortable letting watch sophia. it’s my choice. she doesn’t understand it and instead rather play victim and throw a tantrum until she gets her way. i don’t like that. cuz now she got to hold my baby after that. she will think she can continue to do that to get her way. idk if that’s cult mentality or just who she is maybe both. but how about she fucks off and sticks to her obsessive propaganda listening every fucking day and night. she goes to BED with that shit playing in the background just engulfing in the brainwashing while she sleeps it’s creepy as fuck. another reason i don’t want her watching my baby. i don’t want that shit around my baby. the brainwashing, trump obsession shit.  i’m so done. every time i hear her come by or walk to the kitchen i gets angry inside. i didn’t wanna hurt my bfs feelings but i let a lot of what im saying off on him telling him how i feel and he’s in agreement with me. she’s being stupid and immature about my baby. i’m not gonna play her games. i think there’s gonna be a point where i just go off and am mean to her. my brother said ill have to get stern. i’ll have to be straight and say no. “no you can’t hold my baby”. or just no. no no no. she can complain and make passive aggressive comments all she wants i’m not playing that manipulative bs game. i wish she didn’t live with us. 

some nights better than others

we got her a co sleeping lounge so she can safely sleep next to us at night. every time she falls asleep and i try to put her in the bassinet, she’d wake up crying. so i’d get up and put her next to me in bed and she’d fall asleep and so would i 😬 not suppose to co sleep with your baby but i did it a couple of times. so we got her the little lounge that elevates her and puts her in a safe space. she slept in that thing the whole night. when i woke her for her 3 hour feeds she’d go right back asleep. bf got her up for her feed at 6:30am and she took maybe 30 mins to sleep but she wasn’t screaming. she was goofing around and eventually fell asleep now. fuck idk why i am up she eats again at 8:45am and i should have slept when she did but i was goofing around myself on my phone. i was on FB and saw this girl who looked familiar. it was the same girl who was my nurse who did my blood pressure check last Monday when i went in for a follow up. it was totally her and she’s dating someone i know. is friends with mutual all around as far as kids i went to school with and people i know.now. random. 

so today my mom is gonna watch baby girl so we can sleep in longer. then we’re going to see about going to the house of brews for a craft beer and an appetizer. then later in the afternoon we’re taking baby girl on a walk in the park. i hope she’s awake this time to see the trees and the animals. we took her on a car ride to run errands yesterday to stimulate her more and she was passed out 😅 then we took her on a walk around the neighborhood and she was passed out again 😝 i wanna get her more stimulation because she sleeps a lot as newborns do and in the early mornings you can tell she gets sick of sleeping and being inside. it’s just she is tired of it in the early AM when it’s night time and i’m extremely tired. so i am thinking on weekends i wanna start taking her to do outdoor activities to see the world. 

some nights have been so hard. no sleep for days. i’m talking an hour and a half at night and maybe 2 hours in day time if i get to take cat naps when she does. it’s brutal and i hear this goes on for 3 months 😭 but they say once you’re passed the new born phase everything gets better and the hardships become a distant memory. let’s hope so cuz i am only working on week 3 next week and it’s really stressful. especially cuz she has appts literally every other day or 2. now they’re spreading out since she’s reaching her weight goals. we moved the feeding up to 70 ml now and she drinks all of it. still every 2 hours during the day and every 3 hours at night. i do the night shifts and my bf does the early mornings. i just have control issues sometimes because i feel no one can do it right. my bf tends to half ass some of the things…. like he only burps her for 30 seconds maybe 1 min. but she needs a longer time. sometimes he has her oddly positioned when feeding her and i just wanna fix it but i don’t wanna sound like im being controlling even tho i very much know how i am. i did tell him he needs to hold her longer and not put her down so quickly after everything. i stay up with her until she sleeps cuz im not comfortable until i know she’s asleep. i am a first time mom and i have no idea what im doing most of the time but i know i love her and want her to be comfortable and happy as i possibly can make her. i would do anything for her. 🥰

zzz

went to my second blood pressure check appt today and the bp was good. i’m so fucking tired today. baby girl was not sleeping last night and i was up with her all night trying to get her to sleep and not cry. i think her stomach was bothering her again. i did give her 70ml of breast milk cuz i pumped out that much in 10 mins. still have the feeling of it with a passion but im still forcing it for a while. i bought some breast leaking pad things so i don’t have to use TP or period pads i cut up and stick in my bra 😅 also got her an electric nail trimmer so she can not scratch her face up. i filed her nails while she was awake today and she just chilled there. 

she got her social security card and birth certificate in the mail. we still need to change her medical plan to one that the pediatrician accepts. we have to fill out some form for them to approve or something. god i’m tired i need to sleep when she does but i have to shower and do other things. 

sucks i still can’t go out on a dinner date for Vday but im not ready. im not fully healed and i don’t wanna go out out yet as baby girl is still new. i’m thinking in March i should be healed enough and comfortable enough to have a night out with bf. 

sleep finally

finally caught up on some sleep this weekend. we took baby girl on her first stroller walk today and she was awake whole time kinda looking around. before though she was screaming her head off. i hate when she goes thru that cuz i feel so bad but it stresses me out cuz idk what to do. so we fed her 30 mins early and then put her in her stroller and she was chill. 

we been watching a new show (new for us) called The Outsider. we saw Stephen King and Jason Bateman and figured it’d be good and so far i’m super intrigued. throwback to when i had a dream Jason Bateman was my dad and i was living in the Ozarks…  we’re also on season 4 of True Detective. 

i had my first beer in 8 months the other day and today my first couple glasses of wine. 🍷 i am totally gonna be a wine mom. 💅 

pumped

so i got the free pump from a friends wife who is a doula or whatever. i tried it last night and i will say i hate every bit of it. i hate the feeling of it so much but im going to force it once a week at least. it took tons of pressure off my breasts and it’s healthy for her. the feeling of it tho ugh 😣 

she went to her dr appt today and baby girl surpassed her birth weight today. dr also said she looks less yellow. so the vitamin d drops and extra feedings are helping. waking every 2 hours was brutal but still worth it for her health. we now can feed her every 3 hours at night, instead of 2 and 2 hours during the day. let me tell you that extra hour at night is so helpful. hoping she sleeps that is. she wasn’t sleeping well last night. 

i opened the curtain so she gets more vitamin d

my blood pressure yesterday was sky high again and i got so concerned i wasn’t sure if i should go straight to the hospital or call the dr. so i called the nurses at the office first and told them. they then asked what i should do and they said go come in the office asap. so they gave me 3pm and i accepted the appt. it was 2:15 so i had to figure out what to do with baby girl and how to get there. still not supposed to drive my car i still need insurance and tag renewed. having a baby put a major halt on that. so my mom ended up canceling the rest of her work day and my brother drove me in my car. better him driving than the owner of the car i guess. so i went to the dr and they tested my blood pressure… it was 163/96. very high. so my fave midwife came in and put me on labetalol to reduce the blood pressure. told me to get lab work done this week and to come back in on monday. so thursday i have an appt at noon to get the blood work done to check for proteins. and monday to discuss the results and see how everything is going. so far ive taken the meds twice and ive seen a drastic change already. blood pressure is now back in the safe zone. she warned me the meds would make me feel funny and maybe a little dizzy. but honestly it feels like i’m super relaxed. tired. but relaxed. maybe i needed to be calm after everything.  i’m naturally an anxious person so maybe it’s helping idk. either way 👏 i also cannot believe i lost 20 lbs in a week just from giving birth. i’m only 9 lbs over what i was when i got pregnant. which wasn’t anything i was satisfied with. i’m hoping to lose even more cuz of the diet i’ve been on for 7-8 months. 

4am i’m awake with baby girl. her dr said to feed her every 2 hours now and after her second visit yesterday we asked if we should bump up her amount of formula to 45. they said 45 is now her new minimum. so we’ve been going between 45-50 ml. she isn’t gaining weight much which is weird considering she eats so well. hopefully upping her amount will work. she’s supposed to gain an ounce a day but only gained half an ounce in days. her stomach her yesterday evening and night so she was screaming her head off. those are the nights we don’t get sleep. there was a point where i laid her next to me in the bed and she fell asleep. i fought it but i said fuck it and slept next to her. co sleeping is a big no because of accidents. would never want to roll over her so i don’t do co sleeping. but since she’s up every 2 hours, i don’t move much in my sleep and im hyper aware of her i just slept. i did this 2 times that night and she was calmer and slept thru next to me. put her in bassinet and she’d wake up screaming mins later. so it is what it is. she’s next to me now and i’m trying to get her to be passed out. i started singing to her to calm her as well and that seems to work so far. a made up song i sing to her about her bouncing and getting tired 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

she had to get blood taken again to check the levels of her jaundice and they said they’re starting to go down. idk the exact wording cuz i had just gotten home from her appt and when i went to the bathroom i broke down due to the stinging pain from my tearing from birth. it stings bad when dealing with it in the bathroom. so that started my crying. then it was just a buildup of being so fucking tired and her stuff and my stuff with the blood pressure which is still high af. i just got overwhelmed as well. anywayyy i had him answer the dr call and they said her levels have gone down. the dr told us to get her vitamin d by taking her outside a little and or putting her next to windows that shine sun thru. we’re working on baby girl and i just hope she’s where she should be so these dr visits are limited. 

i’m so tired im hoping to sleep a little before her next feeding in like 40 mins 

Labor & delivery nightmare

💕Sophia Lily born Jan 30th at 4:03pm 7 lbs 8 oz💕

we went in for my 39 week induction/hospital stay on Jan 29th and i did not deliver Sophia until Jan 30th at 4:03pm. it took me 3 hours of labor to get her delivered. when she was born though i cried so hard and said “hey sophia! hey baby!” it was extremely emotional and everyone was crying. my sister, my mom and my bf were all there. but it wasn’t as smooth and happy as i hoped. 

so they tried inducing me and gave me this stuff that they stuck up my cervix to soften it. i felt okay until i didn’t. i tried to manage the pain and deal but it got to a point where the cramping was getting to me. no big deal, they shot me up with oxytocin. i felt fucked up immediately. like dream state, like i wanted to close my eyes, sleep, laugh, it made me itch. idk but i didn’t like it after a few mins. i tried closing my eyes and sleeping. it did help manage the pain i did not feel any anymore. until i did again. this time it got so bad i was ready for the epidural. i got the epidural and it was pretty painful going in and uncomfortable. from here it feels like that was a fever dream and it never happened. but i was probably tired and drugged from the oxytocin that it felt like not real. the epidural managed the pain a little but i didn’t feel numb in my legs or really anywhere. i started getting agonizing pain. like i was crying and i was writhing around on the hospital bed. i tried to ignore it. i kept pushing the epidural button to get more and more pumped into my back and nothing. i was at the point where i didn’t know what to do cuz i couldn’t fucking take that pain. i was loud and whining and moaning holding onto the rails of the bed. finally they got the midwife in and she asked me if i was numb in different areas i said no. she’s like ???? you should be numb in your legs from crotch down. i wasn’t. so they said the epidural wasn’t put in the right spots. so i could either get shot up of more oxytocin or have them redo the epidural. i dreaded it cuz the epidural hurt a lot and i didn’t like the oxytocin. so finally the pain was so fucking severe i opted to just have the epidural replaced. a different person put the epidural in and i felt the numbness. my legs were numb and cervical checks done by the OB was no longer excruciating. i was finally numb and i could deal. until i couldn’t… again. they had me lay in different positions because we were trying to get my baby to move cuz she shifted. so they tried all these positions and things and i was just in pain.  this one position was brutal and my lower back felt like it was straight up on fire. that pain was so intense i rather have died. my sister cried and left the room she couldn’t handle being in there with my shouting and screaming in agony. my bf cried and tried comforting me. my mom started to get pissed off and called in the nurses and straight up asked for them to do something cuz i was not ok and i shouldn’t have been feeling that way when there are methods to ease the pain. i’m in a hospital for christ sake. so the nurses asked the main dr what to do & when he came back i thought he was gonna recommend a c section. i didn’t care i wanted my baby out i couldn’t take the suffering. instead he wanted to check how dilated i was and he’s like “oh she’s an 8 or a 9. which means it was time to try and push her out. i was dreading it because the thought of the pain and pushing was unbearable but i didn’t have a choice. the only way to go was forward. 

so i started pushing and trying different ways of pushing by making makeshift ropes on bars to pull on, to grabbing handles to pushing with my legs together, apart, on my sides. it hurt so fucking bad. the pain that was happening was my baby positioning around properly. so they said the epidural doesn’t always help those back areas which is stupid. so i basically was going thru labor unmedicated. it took 3 hours of pushing and passing out. i would pass out in between breaks cuz of exhaustion, no sleep and hadn’t eaten since the day before which was barely anything. you can’t eat on the epidural or the pain meds so i was so hungry and weak. i’d pass out and snore a second and pop back up ready to push when my contractions came in. each contraction which hurt like hell and i had to push my way thru. they were finally telling me they could see her head. so they put a mirror in front of my vag & i could see her head and her hair. i basically watched myself birth my baby cuz they figure if i can see her it would motivate me to push harder than ever. her head finally i could see it!!! she was almost out. i stopped taking as many breaks and just kept going and going and finally her head popped out, her shoulders were the hardest and most painful of her coming out. and pop. she was out. her umbilical cord was around her neck so they quickly took it off and she was on my belly. i cried with exhaustion, relief, disbelief and joy. she was so come headed lol her head is still getting back to normal. we were all crying. i fed her there for the first time and burped her. it was insane. i can’t believe i did this. i went thru intense pain but she’s here and i love her so much. so it was a long, hard process and im glad it’s over. we had to stay there for 2 more nights before getting discharged. 

i was so ready to go home. we were so done with the hospital. they kept always coming in my room to check vitals and such. so i never got sleep there i was not even able to recover. we were also waking up every 3 hours to feed and change her. one of the nights was brutal. she was screaming bloody murder and wouldn’t stop. we didn’t know what to do. it was hard that night but so far she’s been easier. hasn’t really cried like that since. maybe once but nothing like that day. they told us she had looked like she had jaundice. so they tested it but her levels were low enough we didn’t have to stay another night. hallelujah! they make you set up a pediatric appointment and get her one within 48 hours. so no recovery time for me again. we took her to her first appt and they said the tests came back higher levels of jaundice. she we were told to give her vitamin d drops in her bottles and feed her every 2 hours now. so every 2 hours were up. he heats the bottles and stuff but i feed her cuz i prefer it. it’s true that i feel no one can do it right like me. she has another appt on Monday where they check her jaundice levels again. i hope she’s better otherwise we have to take her to hospital where they put her under these big lamps and will prob have to be there for another 24 hours. 1) i don’t want that cuz that’s scary for her and it breaks my heart. 2) i just wanna be back to normal at home with our baby. i hope she’s okay. :( she’s beautiful tho regardless and i love her so much. i never thought id have a baby nor feel this way but man it really changes you. 

i wasn’t going to breastfeed or pump but now that the milks come in i think ill try pumping. my boobs are huge and are full. every doctor we go to is like pushing the breastfeeding onto you. like annoyingly. my bf asked “are they look a breastfeeding cult or what”. so i figure ill try it and get them off my back and 2) give it a chance cuz maybe i can handle it and it won’t bother me. but at least i could say i tried. we’ll see what happens. 

welcome sophia we love you