last night / show

went to the show last night and i say this every time but i hate that i can’t have fun with everyone and let loose. i was sober and filled with anxiety. i rode with my sister there and felt like i just stood there clenching my phone the whole time. it was raining too and i was beyond tired. never got more than 2 hours of sleep and felt like i was on the go constantly yesterday. lots of people we know and some i didn’t came up to us and congratulated us individually on the baby. if i were loose and buzzed id be all talkative and extra but normal me i never know what to say so im just like thaaaanks.  it was nice they came up to congratulate me but i didn’t particularly want to talk to anyone. all my friends that were there were drunk so i wasn’t wanting to be around or talk much to them even though some of them kept coming around and id just nervously laugh. my sister ordered me a Shirley Temple and the bar lady gave her it for free. she said she wouldn’t charge her for a Shirley Temple with no alcohol in it. so that was cool. i was pretty over it half way through. like 2 or 3 bands played before my bf and by then i was so ready to leave. i was wet and my hair was frizzing up. my feet were hurting a lot and i felt so dirty. the flooring there is sand and factor in the drizzling rain it was just gross. sometimes i was left alone but i didn’t wanna be a buzzkill to my sister cuz her bf and friends were there. kinda annoyed at my bf for drinking more than he said he would. when he drinks he gets super social and forgets about me. so i sat alone and just pulled up Reddit and pretended to read posts. i just wanted to go to support him but its just not fun for me if im stuck with anxiety. he has another show Oct 22 but that one shouldn’t be so packed. i feel like a nag sometimes but i feel like my feelings are valid. he shouldn’t leave me alone to go be drunk and chat it up all over the universe while i sit alone, pregnant on a bench with 2 hours of sleep, there for him only & social anxiety ridden. feels rude to me. i told him how i felt this morning and he apologized. i’m like 😒 

we stopped at Wawa again and i was so tired and just ready to sleep.  kinda overwhelmed too and he was buzzed acting and being slow and dumb about how to order on the screen. then he forgot forks and had to go back in and i almost sobbed. i just wanted to go home, eat and sleep. finally got home, damp, frizzy haired and exhausted. i ate and passed out but for some reason woke up at 3am and couldn’t fall asleep til 4am. so i’m going to need a cat nap sometime today to catch up.  JR’s baby shower is Saturday and i also got an invited for my friend Ashley’s baby shower in October. so many babies 👶🏼 i keep wondering when i’ll pop. i still look pretty normal maybe a slight bump. i’m think i should pop within month. i should also start feeling her move soon. i hope that’s sooner than later. in the beginning i was so creeped out by it but now im anticipating it. i guess its just creepy when you see her move from the outside. 👽 

i keep saying this now since yesterdays scan but laying there getting scanned and seeing my baby move around and do cute and funny things inside the womb. anyone who says they wish to be child free (me before pregnancy) in their lifetimes are truly missing out on a wild and amazing experience. it’s an experience that i’m happy to have and completely changed my views on babies and motherhood. i’m so happy i listened to my heart in the beginning of all this. one that i never thought id want in life.  i’m glad she’s here with me and growing perfectly. this is truly an experience nothing can compare to and im glad it worked out for me. i feel for women who struggle to get pregnant. i never thought i could but here i am and i am blessed i gotta say