kittykaley.com

i got pretty emo last night & cried a little. a lot of my tiktok fyp is babies now and i keep getting these ones where new moms are showing us their newborn routine. they wake up and feed baby, change baby, rock baby & this goes on multiple times throughout the night with little sleep and it just hit me the responsibility i’ll be having. responsibility, what’s that? responsibility not quite yet (MxPx lol). but for real i’m scared and worried i can’t do this. i guess im just mourning my old life of having no real responsibility. but at the same time i hated my life before. it became so depressing and repetitive that i often times complained how much i had no life. i was always jealous of my friends and embarrassed because i didn’t have kids, a home of my own, not married and just living this life of nothing. rotting away weekly until it was time to go out and party it up with friends or drink at bar. there was literally no substance to my life. but there’s still that sliver of fear because change is coming and i won’t even have that option anymore. i cried because im worried ill crack and have a melt down because i don’t know what im doing. my bf says my maternal instincts will kick into gear and ill be good at this. but im still such a selfish person. i guess i can’t say cuz she isn’t born yet and i would do anything for her to have a happy life. but small part of me is afraid ill suck. no more mommy or bf doing everything for me. i guess i need to stop being like this and realize it IS time for me to grow up. not just because im a hag now lol but for my own self. my own mind. my mom thinks this will help me and be a happier person because there’s something to live for… my baby is worth living for and striving to be a better and healthier person for. my bf told me im “nesting”. he can tell the maternal instincts are kicking in because im constantly cleaning. i always cleaned the room and bathroom once a week. but now im Swiffer mopping the whole house, sweeping every day, constantly cleaning the bedroom and wiping down kitchen tops obsessively. we also got the ok to painting the kitchen a seafoam green instead of that ugly turquoise color before. it looks so much brighter in there now. anyways i’m going in hard with the cleaning. i was cleaning the floors as soon as i woke up this morning because i was thinking how no one here does it and i don’t want my baby crawling around on dirty floors. so i got out of bed and started on the entire house floors. when i had my own room at my old house i was always rearranging and cleaning so in my opinion im just like this but he says it’s nesting since im pregnant. idk 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

long post short: i’m scared of changing my life. i’m scared i won’t do things right. just scared af.