19 weeks

next week i’ll be half way thru. feels like it’s been going on for a long time but also feels like it’s going by fast. i still don’t quite feel pregnant? like i feel not the greatest with my body but i don’t feel like there is a small human forming inside my stomach. when i hear heartbeats and i see her in ultrasounds it comes back to me like ~wow this is going on. this is what’s happening. appt tomorrow with the obgyn and i’m nervous. a 40 min appt scanning my stomach detailing and measuring all the parts of my baby is exciting and nerve wracking. i hope she’s okay in there and everything checks out good. i’m always fearing the worst. my sister is taking me. my mom was gonna go but she can’t get off work. i want my bf to go but he doesn’t want to get up so early :( but it’s such an important milestone in my journey that i want him there. but then i realized how tired we’d both me. i’ll wake up at 6am & have to be on the way at 7am to get there by 7:45. then the appointment is kinda long so i’ll be having to go straight to my next appointment more than likely and if so, he’ll have to leave to set up for his show a couple hours right after that. so he’d be dead tired. but i might be too cuz i might have to drive us both there so i won’t have a time to get a little cat nap in. idk if i’m going to take us or if he’s getting a ride with a band mate. idk what’s going on yet but he has to possibly wait around all day at the place til he plays at 8pm. i know he doesn’t want to which is probably why he rather me take us there. cuz then he can drop off his gear and me and him can go get food somewhere and then come back before he plays. idk what is going to happen but i do wish he would go with me to appt too. i want him to see her since her image will be way bigger. he’ll be able to see her moving around and stuff. it’s the big appt. the last ultrasound. unless they want to see me more since i’m considered high risk. not sure. but whatever. i’ll get to see her and so will my sister who hasn’t seen an ultrasound yet. so far my mom and bf are the only ones who went with me. but she was so tiny and blob like it was hard to make out. i should be able to see her face structure, nose, creepy eyes, legs and arms. fingers and toes move. 🥹 depending upon her activity. i looked at baby clothes today while out shopping for bf bday present. got him Burberry perfume for men and a shirt that says Rolling Fatties and has hands rolling a fat cat. bf bought me this dress online but idk if i like it. i got it in the mail and tried it on and on me i feel it looks bad. it looks like i got a table cloth or a curtain and tried to make my own dress and said fuck it. my sister loves it but i feel like it looks baggy and weird. what i think the problem is, is the sleeves are too puffy. so i guess i’ll return it. i need more dresses cuz my stomach. i’m so self conscious right now in clothes cuz i’m in between bloating and tiny stomach? last day or 2 i’ve had bad pains in my lower abdomen and i think it’s the uterus expanding again. but if i lay down and try to roll over or get up or even pee it aches so bad. goes away and comes back when i make those movements. i tried eating better today to defeat feeling so balloon like and miserable. yogurt for breakfast, 2 teriyaki chicken wraps for lunch, lobster bisque & a grilled ham and cheese sandwich for dinner. i did have 2 jalapeño poppers and a caramel apple tho oop. but i drank lots of water today. this pregnancy is killing me with dying to eat junk food. i’m not normally like this. never been big on sweets or anything but man these cravings are serious. on Saturday we got Mexican and i ate a whole plate of churros myself 😔