more movement

she was pretty active this afternoon. tumbling around and kicking or whatever it is she was doing. i watched my stomach to see if i could see it from the outside and yep. i saw her moving from the outside which i thought, again, would be creepier than it was. it was pretty interesting to see. i kept trying to poke at my stomach to get her to do more movements but wouldn’t. so i kept on watching Tiktoks and then i’d feel her again. yesterday evening i was poking at my stomach and immediately she poked back 3 times in the same spot like she was pissed off. so i stopped poking around. 

my bfs mom bought a toddler chair and said “i know it’s early but i couldn’t pass it up”. it’ll be really cute painted pastel pink or purple with some vines wrapped around the back. i am really going for the whimsical, forest fairy vibe for her room & the baby shower. 

bf is going away Saturday/Saturday night for the NOFX show i opted out of. i would have gone if i weren’t pregnant. but honestly id be miserable either way because FL heat, probably raining & sweaty people all over. i vowed to never go to anymore outdoor FL shows between June-September. sucks i’ll be alone :( but hey, at least i don’t need headphones one night cuz he isn’t here to snore. 

first time movements.

felt her move this morning for the first time that i was aware of. i woke up this morning and laying there i felt a pulse. my hand was on my stomach and i could feel the pulse in stomach and on my hand. i was like wtf was that. so i kept waiting to feel it again and i felt it a couple more times. then i felt her moving in a different spot in my stomach. i felt in from the outside but didn’t look so idk if it’s possible to see. it’s kinda like how you can feel your heart beat but it only beats a couple of times and not in any pattern. it was so cool and strange. i thought id be scared of it but i think its creepy when you can see it later on. i guess baby sophia likes hibachi cuz that’s the last thing i ate since i felt it lol. i notice she seems to be active in the mornings. when i went to my early 8am appointment she was active and rolling around during the ultrasound. and i felt her this morning at around 9am. guess she’s a morning girl. 🥹

went to Fujiyama for bfs birthday. my sister, Zack & brother came & so did Paulseidon, his friend Katie & Jeff & Cristina brought their 3 year old. i guess there was this event going on there because so many people were there, a dj, kids in costumes. my sister & i went to the bathroom & it was super over stimulating. luckily they all left & then it was our group and a small family across the way. they did the whole Hibachi thing. Paulseidon ordered everyone sake bombs except me cuz the obvious 😞 but i got a strawberry milk bubble tea & it was really good. i got so full & felt pretty miserable. literally any time i eat i feel like this now. he went back out with Paulseidon for drinks but i stayed home cuz no point if i can’t drink and more importantly i feel pretty miserable stomach wise. Jeff & Cristina got my bf bday gifts but they’re more for both of us. 

they got us 2 onesies for baby Sophia. one is an Alanis Morissette & the other is NOFX one.

 i think Jeff got them cuz he’s been working VIP events at concerts in Palm Beach where we just saw Alice Cooper. so he gets free shit. 

i’m tired. i woke up at 5:30am and couldn’t fall back asleep. i wake up this morning and start making the bed & see a headless rat on my spot if the bed. as in i was fucking laying on it. Mr Dabs must have secretly put it there when he got on the bed this morning. i must have gotten up to go to the bathroom & laid on it idk!! it wasn’t there last night idk it was so gross and of course on my side of the bed & i was laying there. we took all sheets off and we washed everything on the bed 😖

i got pretty emo last night & cried a little. a lot of my tiktok fyp is babies now and i keep getting these ones where new moms are showing us their newborn routine. they wake up and feed baby, change baby, rock baby & this goes on multiple times throughout the night with little sleep and it just hit me the responsibility i’ll be having. responsibility, what’s that? responsibility not quite yet (MxPx lol). but for real i’m scared and worried i can’t do this. i guess im just mourning my old life of having no real responsibility. but at the same time i hated my life before. it became so depressing and repetitive that i often times complained how much i had no life. i was always jealous of my friends and embarrassed because i didn’t have kids, a home of my own, not married and just living this life of nothing. rotting away weekly until it was time to go out and party it up with friends or drink at bar. there was literally no substance to my life. but there’s still that sliver of fear because change is coming and i won’t even have that option anymore. i cried because im worried ill crack and have a melt down because i don’t know what im doing. my bf says my maternal instincts will kick into gear and ill be good at this. but im still such a selfish person. i guess i can’t say cuz she isn’t born yet and i would do anything for her to have a happy life. but small part of me is afraid ill suck. no more mommy or bf doing everything for me. i guess i need to stop being like this and realize it IS time for me to grow up. not just because im a hag now lol but for my own self. my own mind. my mom thinks this will help me and be a happier person because there’s something to live for… my baby is worth living for and striving to be a better and healthier person for. my bf told me im “nesting”. he can tell the maternal instincts are kicking in because im constantly cleaning. i always cleaned the room and bathroom once a week. but now im Swiffer mopping the whole house, sweeping every day, constantly cleaning the bedroom and wiping down kitchen tops obsessively. we also got the ok to painting the kitchen a seafoam green instead of that ugly turquoise color before. it looks so much brighter in there now. anyways i’m going in hard with the cleaning. i was cleaning the floors as soon as i woke up this morning because i was thinking how no one here does it and i don’t want my baby crawling around on dirty floors. so i got out of bed and started on the entire house floors. when i had my own room at my old house i was always rearranging and cleaning so in my opinion im just like this but he says it’s nesting since im pregnant. idk 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

long post short: i’m scared of changing my life. i’m scared i won’t do things right. just scared af. 

21 weeks

idk what the fuck an endive is but i guess that’s her size this week. not sure how accurate these measurements are but i like documenting the gist of her growth. 

more ultrasound pics. the best ones were on the announcement posts but these are cute too 

her little foot lol so weird how you can see the bones in her feet here 

here she is again further away. so i guess she’s upside here. flipping the view because the top part is my stomach with the placenta (ew again) is planted on my uterus. the whole process is kinda gross but super fascinating. a year ago i wouldn’t have known half the shit i know now about babies or things that go on inside while they’re growing. also a year ago i never wanted kids regardless of being able to have them or not. crazy how your views change over time and through experiences. life ❤️ 

went to a baby shower

went to JR’s baby shower today and gave her our gift. i am not comfortable in social situations these days but i did my best. i did get over stimulated because there were so many people who showed up. one girl there said the same thing. we got congratulated by everyone too which was nice but i never know what to say. the set up was really cool. Megs did a good job putting it together. the theme was pink and black. i plan on having mine whimsical, forest fairy theme 🧚🏻‍♀️. I’ll probably have mine in November before Thanksgiving or first week of December before Christmas. her bf told me i look cute pregnant but little did everyone know, it’s mostly bloating for me right now 😭 it’s gotten so much worse and painful. i started hurting at the baby shower and all i had was some of the snacks they laid out. albeit it wasn’t healthy. i still ate not anymore than usual. let’s see, i ate 3 pork sliders (so tiny sandwiches), some spinach dip and crackers, pasta salad that didn’t have much pasta in it (was mostly greens). i drank a whole bottle of Fiji water and a small cup of lemonade. bloated me up like a whale. 

tonight for dinner i had salmon and quinoa with sausage and shrimp in it.  all anti inflammatory and healthy food. i did have a caramel apple and a Yasso bar. but all in all i ate pretty regular so idk what to do about this bloating. maybe it’s the caffeine and i need to cut back on the iced lattes. sigh. so yea my belly isn’t big much yet cuz of baby, but it’s so bloated i look 6-7 months pregnant. 

bf asked Paige if she can draw up and design my baby shower invites and she agreed to it. i plan on having like how a stork carries a baby but have a fairy carrying a baby instead with some vines and purple flowers around the border with maybe some fairy glitter. ✨ i know she’ll make it pretty. 

more blood work

had to get more blood work done today. since the midwife said i had only this week to do it. something called maternal serum afp or whatever. it’s to test the proteins that my baby’s liver produces that goes into my blood stream to check for other abnormalities. which i’m confused as to why i needed to get it done since the anatomy scan shows if there is any of those abnormalities. people were saying they opted not to since the test isn’t always accurate because it has to be specific time that it’s taken sometimes the levels show as high but it isn’t. idk i don’t get it but she wanted me to so i did it’s whatever. 

omg there was a fucking spider on the window so i screamed and my sister screamed and she rolled the window down while the spider was on the outside so it was trying to get in. so i screamed more and i couldn’t talk to explain it was outside so why did you do that. she pulled over and i got the window up in time. i laughed so fucking hard over it. we got Dunkin and went to Target. i was looking for some Mary Jane’s cuz my vibe this pregnancy is babydoll. i returned the table cloth dress at Kohls and my bf bought me a new one. it’s just ruffled and light blue since the pink was out of my size. so i feel like the baby blue flowy dress, white socks and these MaryJanes will be cute. not like it’s that diff from my normal style but i want shoes that i can wear as i get heavier. feet swell too when pregnant so i wanted to get a half size up. no go at Target. went over to Marshall’s and still no. Shoe Carnival had flat across slight platform Mary Jane’s on sale for 35.00 so i got those. i better like this dress that’s coming tomorrow cuz i don’t wanna have to return again. my sister got this leopard print makeup bag i kinda wanted but she said i can have it after her Lana Del Ray concert this weekend. 

symptoms im experiencing so far: 

-itchy breasts. probably from the skin stretching as they get bigger. 

-some more light twinges in my stomach which i’m wondering if it’s her moving around? idk what im supposed to be feeling. like i had some of those feelings in the right side yesterday… then the left side later on. is it her moving around? while at target i had some light shooting pain in my lower abdomen idk why. the nurse at the doctor asked if i’ve been feeling any movement and i said not yet but i wish. she said soon enough and said maybe in a couple weeks when i do feel her kicking ill realize i was feeling her the whole time. according to my results of the scan i have an anterior placenta (ew) which means it’s attached to the wall of my uterus on the front. so it might make the baby moving heard to feel or take longer to because it’s basically like a big pillow blocking. 

-still bloating but that’s on me for not eating right and that’s also on the progesterone my body is producing 

-breaking out!! i’m breaking out and it’s so annoying. feeling like im back in school days when i was a teen. 

last night / show

went to the show last night and i say this every time but i hate that i can’t have fun with everyone and let loose. i was sober and filled with anxiety. i rode with my sister there and felt like i just stood there clenching my phone the whole time. it was raining too and i was beyond tired. never got more than 2 hours of sleep and felt like i was on the go constantly yesterday. lots of people we know and some i didn’t came up to us and congratulated us individually on the baby. if i were loose and buzzed id be all talkative and extra but normal me i never know what to say so im just like thaaaanks.  it was nice they came up to congratulate me but i didn’t particularly want to talk to anyone. all my friends that were there were drunk so i wasn’t wanting to be around or talk much to them even though some of them kept coming around and id just nervously laugh. my sister ordered me a Shirley Temple and the bar lady gave her it for free. she said she wouldn’t charge her for a Shirley Temple with no alcohol in it. so that was cool. i was pretty over it half way through. like 2 or 3 bands played before my bf and by then i was so ready to leave. i was wet and my hair was frizzing up. my feet were hurting a lot and i felt so dirty. the flooring there is sand and factor in the drizzling rain it was just gross. sometimes i was left alone but i didn’t wanna be a buzzkill to my sister cuz her bf and friends were there. kinda annoyed at my bf for drinking more than he said he would. when he drinks he gets super social and forgets about me. so i sat alone and just pulled up Reddit and pretended to read posts. i just wanted to go to support him but its just not fun for me if im stuck with anxiety. he has another show Oct 22 but that one shouldn’t be so packed. i feel like a nag sometimes but i feel like my feelings are valid. he shouldn’t leave me alone to go be drunk and chat it up all over the universe while i sit alone, pregnant on a bench with 2 hours of sleep, there for him only & social anxiety ridden. feels rude to me. i told him how i felt this morning and he apologized. i’m like 😒 

we stopped at Wawa again and i was so tired and just ready to sleep.  kinda overwhelmed too and he was buzzed acting and being slow and dumb about how to order on the screen. then he forgot forks and had to go back in and i almost sobbed. i just wanted to go home, eat and sleep. finally got home, damp, frizzy haired and exhausted. i ate and passed out but for some reason woke up at 3am and couldn’t fall asleep til 4am. so i’m going to need a cat nap sometime today to catch up.  JR’s baby shower is Saturday and i also got an invited for my friend Ashley’s baby shower in October. so many babies 👶🏼 i keep wondering when i’ll pop. i still look pretty normal maybe a slight bump. i’m think i should pop within month. i should also start feeling her move soon. i hope that’s sooner than later. in the beginning i was so creeped out by it but now im anticipating it. i guess its just creepy when you see her move from the outside. 👽 

i keep saying this now since yesterdays scan but laying there getting scanned and seeing my baby move around and do cute and funny things inside the womb. anyone who says they wish to be child free (me before pregnancy) in their lifetimes are truly missing out on a wild and amazing experience. it’s an experience that i’m happy to have and completely changed my views on babies and motherhood. i’m so happy i listened to my heart in the beginning of all this. one that i never thought id want in life.  i’m glad she’s here with me and growing perfectly. this is truly an experience nothing can compare to and im glad it worked out for me. i feel for women who struggle to get pregnant. i never thought i could but here i am and i am blessed i gotta say 

20 week anatomy scan

tech got great scan pics. her facing us looks scary lol 💀 

i’m actually 20 weeks along, not 19. was so conflicting because of the very first scans and last period date etc. but her due date is Feb 4th. i got to see her live in action and i gotta say it’s wild. she was moving around so much the ultrasound tech was laughing a lot cuz she kept moving when trying to get measurements taken. the lady had to move the scan around and poke at my stomach to get her to roll over but she kept blocking her face with her hand and turning around. i’m so glad my bf ended up coming. i’m glad because this is the big important scan. a milestone in the journey. i think he realizes that so he got up early with me and went. i got like 1 hour of sleep because i kept worrying all night. i took like a. hour and a half nap after both appointments so i hardly slept and im about to go up to FT.P with my sister to see my bf band play with some punk band Guttermouth  

looks just like mine. same nose and everything 🥺 baby girl was sooo active. when i went to my second appointment with the midwife she did the heart beat doppler and she said the other noises we were hearing is her moving around. i’m so happy and so relieved about the scan results as well. the dr came in and told us everything was perfect. 10 toes, 10 fingers and all her organs were developed perfectly. apparently my iron is so good the midwife told me that it’s unusually good. most people’s aren’t. only thing i’m a little concerned about is my blood pressure. it happened again where they said the pressure was high and they kept re doing it and asking if i take blood pressure meds. but when they wait a bit the blood pressure goes down. so i think it’s anxiety. i told the midwife and she said next time tell the nurse to do the blood pressure test after the visit so my nerves calm down. don’t want high blood pressure because that could be bad for delivery. all in all im so happy and i announced it to friends and family on IG & FB. lots of likes and love. 💕 

so since i’m 20 weeks not 19. she’s as big as a banana 

she actually weighed 11.4 ounces today. 

19 weeks

next week i’ll be half way thru. feels like it’s been going on for a long time but also feels like it’s going by fast. i still don’t quite feel pregnant? like i feel not the greatest with my body but i don’t feel like there is a small human forming inside my stomach. when i hear heartbeats and i see her in ultrasounds it comes back to me like ~wow this is going on. this is what’s happening. appt tomorrow with the obgyn and i’m nervous. a 40 min appt scanning my stomach detailing and measuring all the parts of my baby is exciting and nerve wracking. i hope she’s okay in there and everything checks out good. i’m always fearing the worst. my sister is taking me. my mom was gonna go but she can’t get off work. i want my bf to go but he doesn’t want to get up so early :( but it’s such an important milestone in my journey that i want him there. but then i realized how tired we’d both me. i’ll wake up at 6am & have to be on the way at 7am to get there by 7:45. then the appointment is kinda long so i’ll be having to go straight to my next appointment more than likely and if so, he’ll have to leave to set up for his show a couple hours right after that. so he’d be dead tired. but i might be too cuz i might have to drive us both there so i won’t have a time to get a little cat nap in. idk if i’m going to take us or if he’s getting a ride with a band mate. idk what’s going on yet but he has to possibly wait around all day at the place til he plays at 8pm. i know he doesn’t want to which is probably why he rather me take us there. cuz then he can drop off his gear and me and him can go get food somewhere and then come back before he plays. idk what is going to happen but i do wish he would go with me to appt too. i want him to see her since her image will be way bigger. he’ll be able to see her moving around and stuff. it’s the big appt. the last ultrasound. unless they want to see me more since i’m considered high risk. not sure. but whatever. i’ll get to see her and so will my sister who hasn’t seen an ultrasound yet. so far my mom and bf are the only ones who went with me. but she was so tiny and blob like it was hard to make out. i should be able to see her face structure, nose, creepy eyes, legs and arms. fingers and toes move. 🥹 depending upon her activity. i looked at baby clothes today while out shopping for bf bday present. got him Burberry perfume for men and a shirt that says Rolling Fatties and has hands rolling a fat cat. bf bought me this dress online but idk if i like it. i got it in the mail and tried it on and on me i feel it looks bad. it looks like i got a table cloth or a curtain and tried to make my own dress and said fuck it. my sister loves it but i feel like it looks baggy and weird. what i think the problem is, is the sleeves are too puffy. so i guess i’ll return it. i need more dresses cuz my stomach. i’m so self conscious right now in clothes cuz i’m in between bloating and tiny stomach? last day or 2 i’ve had bad pains in my lower abdomen and i think it’s the uterus expanding again. but if i lay down and try to roll over or get up or even pee it aches so bad. goes away and comes back when i make those movements. i tried eating better today to defeat feeling so balloon like and miserable. yogurt for breakfast, 2 teriyaki chicken wraps for lunch, lobster bisque & a grilled ham and cheese sandwich for dinner. i did have 2 jalapeño poppers and a caramel apple tho oop. but i drank lots of water today. this pregnancy is killing me with dying to eat junk food. i’m not normally like this. never been big on sweets or anything but man these cravings are serious. on Saturday we got Mexican and i ate a whole plate of churros myself 😔 

people are losers

was shopping for the week at bJ’s and we saw people straight up stealing big electronics. a light up sound system and some other shit. we were parked right next to them & i saw a man rushing with a cart full of stuff, rapidly throwing the items in the back seat, leaving the cart there & the woman driving took off. my bf got out of the car & told a manager outside, pointing to the car & explaining items they stole. when he was telling the manager some inbred looking fuck comments “of course they’re n*****s”. my bf told him to shut the fuck up & the manager lady thanked him. we were joking about it on the way how he told on the thieves but also stuck up for them. but in seriousness there’s never a reason to use that word no matter what. he told me when he got up of the car to tell a manager he heard the guy say “quick, they’re calling”. so yea that was exciting. people are such losers. i mean they stole big electronics. i miiight get it if they were like stealing food for their family or something out of desperation but electronic goods? bad people. 

18 weeks

weekend

we went out to dinner with my dad & rest of my family. kinda talked to him about my pregnancy and he said he told Mum. i was actually planning on visiting her with my bro & sis in October and showing her the ultrasound as a surprise but oh well. i ate so much off diet food at Outback. i got a 8 oz steak, mashed potatoes, caesar salad, we also ordered the blooming onion & fried mushrooms. then i ordered a brownie with ice cream & fudge on top. i was definitely feeling the consequences for the next couple days. we came home & watched The Last Voyage Of The Demeter again. 

yesterday bf and i ran some errands & i went to the thrift store & he got me 2 new dresses. dresses that are flowy to wear as my stomach grows.  i ate a soup and sandwich to try & eat lighter cuz i was so bloated from the Outback dinner. steak or any red meat is an inflammatory food, along with the rest of it so i was inflamed for sure. still felt it yesterday. 

woke up today & got coffee from some new place. we split a breakfast burrito & i got an iced latte as usual. more inflammation 😭 bf has these shorts that are sea green with pink flamingos on them & when we were at the thrift store we saw a dress nearly identical, so we went back today but the size was too big and it was long. i hate long dresses. we walked over to the asian market and i got a banana bubble tea. i’m determined to try every flavor. so far i’ve had Taro, Lavender and strawberry. also got these Lasso crackers with strawberry cream we got them for obvious reasons

we got ingredients to make Bulgogi. my Korean grandmother made it a few times when i used to visit. we also got some Kimchi & steamed buns ^-^

we got these frozen yogurt bars that were buy one get one. tried one for dessert & they’re pretty good. funny enough they are called Yasso like Lasso. bf & i always saying Lasso within words. like Harasso, Lasho, Laugho, big fat Asso… 

so he finally told his mom about my pregnancy. i told him he should have told her sooner cuz if felt weird for me seeing her all the time and hiding secrets like that. he told her & showed her the pixelated blob 8 week scan. she was so excited about it. he worries about what she thinks sometimes but he shouldn’t have worried about that. he also told work mates in a group chat. he texted his dad & daughter. they’re all happy & i think he feels happy he finally told the important ones. i still haven’t broadcasted it on social media for friends and family to see because i want to make a special post along side a cute pic with the ultrasound scan. 9 days ^-^  

man i had some annoying pains on the left side of my lower abdomen. like bikini line. inside it felt like a twinge, pulling pulsating sensation. it was going on for 2 days & it was like every 7 seconds. i couldn’t sleep over it it was hurting and waking me. it finally stopped today. i had these feeling around 12-13 weeks or something like that. but i’ve googled it and it states it’s that round ligament pain. while the uterus stresses it causes growing pains. i knew that but i still get paranoid it’s something bad. im glad it stopped but im sure it’ll be coming and going quite a bit as she grows.

so glad we finally agreed on a middle name. everything is set and she’s going to be Sophia Lily 🥺 im always worrying about her. worrying if she’s still alive. that might sound negative and dramatic but im such a worrier and i guess maybe low confidence that i always think things will some way or another fuck up for me. but i need to stop thinking so negatively. i need to see this as meant to be. the fact i got pregnant in the first place? wild. the fact it’s a girl? what i’ve wanted if i were to ever have a kid and being able to name it after a long time best friend? crazy.  it’s all working out so i need to think positive. but some dark thoughts overtake my mind and i start the google and reddit. hearing awful stories of babies not making it full term+ even when everyone seemed good. it scares me being high risk. but i’ve come so far, made it to my second trimester. nearly almost half way thru it and 2 weeks ago there was a strong heartbeat. i need to. have to stop with the negative mindset. i tell myself she is fine in there, she’s alive and safe. she will be born to a loving family and all will be perfect. those are my affirmations i’ve been trying. 

my dad wants to go to dinner with all of us tomorrow. i guess to see us and maybe talk some about moving my mom and brother out. it has to happen because i need that spare room for baby room. we’re going to Outback steakhouse cuz we always do when we do the family dinner thing. i haven’t eaten red meat since i started the anti-inflammatory diet that landed me pregnant in the first place 😅 but tomorrow i’m m eating a fucking steak. not like i’ve been following the diet anyways i’ve been only keen on junk food during this time. i need to force myself to get back to it though. i really don’t want to gain excess, unnecessary weight. i’m worried and i already feel like a bloated whale. but tomorrow i’ll get the steak and get it cooked medium well. i usually get it medium but i’m not supposed to have pink in the middle so since restaurants sometimes have medium too bloody. i don’t want to risk it so i’ll order it a step up. i’ll probably substitute mashed potatoes for broccoli and a lemon water instead of a diet coke. to limit as much inflammation as possible. called doctor back about results today even though i already knew them. acted like i didn’t and when they asked if i wanna know the gender of my baby i said yea and she said it’s a baby girl and that my tests came back normal. even though i already knew the gender results i couldn’t help but feel so happy and giggly when i was told by the nurse. it was like real hearing it from the doctors office. i was thinking about rescheduling my ultrasound appointment to a later time since i made it 8am 😒 shouldn’t have listened to my sister. so now i have to leave the house at 7am because the office is 37 mins away plus morning traffic and i need to be there at 7 45 for the 8am appt. then the next appt at 11am i’m gonna need more sleep before i go to that show my bf is playing. gonna be so tired this appt is important so i’m just gonna stick with the early af time and deal with it. 

17 weeks

i can’t believe i’m already almost halfway through the pregnancy. got genetic results in as well and it says i’m negative for different diseases and disorders. in about 2 more weeks i get to see her at the anatomy scan which i hope is also all positive. man, the 19th is gonna be hella busy. 8am anatomy scan appointment, 11am prenatal appointment, then later going to support my bf at his reunion show.