Worries

i keep thinking my baby isn’t alive anymore. that the heartbeat stopped and i had a silent “missed” miscarriage. i think partly cause of my age, issues with pcos and reading so much about those 2 factors makes it more high risk. i can’t stop feeling negatively about it and the fact nothing works out for me ever. it’s always something or something causes something and it doesn’t work out. my last ultrasound was at 8 weeks and 4 days. heartbeat was good and it was still alive in there. they say if you have a heartbeat at 8 weeks the chances of it progressing is high. but i still can’t stop worrying about it. 

i even peed in a cup so they could test it for hcg and hcg was found positive in my sample. but then i google and it frightens me. it says that if you have a silent miscarriage it could still detect hcg levels for up to 3-4 weeks and the symptoms are still going as if you’re pregnant when the baby already stopped developing. also i’m so unsure because my symptoms pretty much disappeared except sore nips. hurt when trying to put shirts or bralettes on. everything else is gone which can be a sign of a mc too.  but then i read that it just means you’re entering the second trimester where symptoms usually settle down. so like which is it? idk and i can’t know until i get another ultrasound. trying to get a doctor i’m comfortable with and that takes medicaid patients. 

i over worry about everything as it is because i have severe anxiety. so this is literally what i keep worrying about at night when i try to sleep. is it still alive and well? is it going to make it full term? as much as i hate the actual part of pregnancy and not having freedom to do what i want it would devastate me if it wasn’t alive anymore and i wouldn’t ever be the same again. am i just over worrying? my mom think’s everything is fine and so does everyone else but they don’t know. my moms had 3 kids and has never even heard of a missed miscarriage before. when i told her she was like informed on new info. i just wanna get to an obgyn. a female dr and a place that has good reviews. just want to stop worrying and not being able to sleep. 

my 2 cats that stay with my brother in the trailer have bad fleas. the fleas in the house are still there but not an infestation like it was a couple months ago. Mr Dabs still has them and we medicate him monthly. i brush him every week and like i always get up to 4-6 fleas off him. like what gives? “other people” in the house don’t want us spraying cuz they’re weird about chemicals. they’re so weird about shit cause they’re brainwashed and worried about government ka and conspiracies. so they don’t trust chemicals and whatever. annoying. so he keeps getting fleas on him. now my other 2 cats have bad fleas. we’re calling a vet to see if we can bring them in to get flea dips. maybe some side meds too and we’re going to bomb the trailer. sick of the fleas. feels like they’ll never go away. idk where they’re getting them but maybe there is an opening in the trailer some where and they got on the cats that way. idk about Mr Dabs but he goes in the porch a lot. even though it was sprayed by a bug guy. idk what to do. when that person goes in their room i’m going to spray the house anyway fuck that.