emotional night

went to see friend Johnnie play at Conchy Joes and i was in a bad mood a bit because i am in the mode where i hate that i can’t have fun and have to struggle with social anxiety around friends without a crutch. so we sat at the bar to order happy hour menu items. i was mad inside i had to order water with lemon and not get alcohol like the rest to let loose. i ordered some steamed mussels and our friend Bamonte comes up behind us and hugs us. i’m thinking oh great. Mr fun time is here and i can’t even have fun. so i’m even more bummed and angry inside. he kept trying to get us to go out on the deck where Johnnie was playing and i didn’t want to and was so mad about it. thinking i’ll be stuck out there around friends having fun while i’m suffering thru social anxiety. but things did turn around and i became less angry. i still had social anxiety but i was not so mad anymore. he asked us what we wanted and when i asked for a virgin daquiri my bf just said “we’re trying to have a family here” and he’s like “wait… is there a little Dyer in there” and i said yes and he cheered me on and gave me high fives. so he brought me my virgin daquiri and it was fancy cuz it has whipped cream on it. which i didn’t even think was a thing. it was really good and was like a little dessert. he said “i made sure to put extra alcohol in there” lol. after Johnnie was done playing we greeted him and told him i was pregnant too. he was lit up and happy. said how exciting this is and said if i ever need anything he’d do it and said he’ll get a second job lol. he’s so kind honestly. he was super happy about it. it felt good to tell people because i hate feeling off and it being a little noticeable considering i wear my heart on my sleeve. so then knowing makes me feel like i don’t need explaining. it started raining so we left quickly to avoid harsh rains. 

came home and i fed my guinea pigs and stuff. then we went out again to see Johnnies brother Ben play at Thirsty Turtle. our wait time was 40 mins. but i figured we waited so long night as well keep waiting. we finally get seated and my anxiety was sadly so bad i didn’t wanna get up in front of people to go to the bathroom so i held it. i ordered conch chowder and we shared a fried mushrooms appetizer and fuck i was full. our main dishes didn’t even come out yet and we were already so full. i i ordered coconut shrimp with rice pilaf and coleslaw like i said i would. 

only ate 2 shrimp and boxed rest up. so many friends came up and talked to us and asked about smoking a joint and stuff. which stuff like that just makes me hate being pregnant again. where i complained before about not being able do what i want, have fun when i want without worry. but i obviously can’t do that so i end up resentful. my mood started to drop when party supplies were being mentioned lightly cuz it keeps reminding me. 

we have a heartfelt conversation about it. i explained to him i hate this and it sucks for me cuz i never truly feel comfortable as just me. i’m super self conscious and that high social anxiety that keeps me from being me out without a crutch sucks. it’s hard. so him being freely able to do whatever bugs me. so i prefer him to cool it with everything. he said he understands and he’d rather be with me than out partying with people. conversation good ✔️ well as we’re leaving Mr party fun time Bamonte shows up and i again feel sad i can’t hang out with everyone who is showing up. like 5 friends were all there and we have to leave cuz i’m pregnant and can’t deal with social settings. just makes me feel bad. he again said he’d rather be with me and we planned to watch a movie when we got back…

somewhere on the drive home my bf starts going off on financial shit with my family. to the point where he was angry which caused me to lash out back. out of left field he just started at it. going in and on about my family and how their finances are and how he doesn’t understand them. then brought up “i can’t even have fun with my friends cuz i have to go home with you”. wow so i was hurt by that especially after our conversation at dinner. i was so mad and confused. i was raising my voice back and told him he ruined the rest of the night. i told him i’m telling my mom everything and how he is talking shit.  i went in the guest room and my brother was in there with my mom. i started to cry and said he was being a dick??? she was mad too he was being like this. i asked her if it’s cuz i can’t stay out? is he mad about me being boring and having to leave friends? she said it’s gotta be something else. 

i was about to leave the room and go to him and hand him an energy drink, since i was suppose to get him one but we argued and forgot. my mom stopped me and asked me if his ex wife or something died around this time. i said actually yea, his ex wife/best friend died on this day 2 years ago and he said he didn’t want to post about it cuz he wanted to let her go. she pointed at her ipad and showed me he had posted on FB a long heart felt post and some pics with them 15 mins ago. so she said i should go check on him. i go outside to give him the energy drink and he’s outside crying. he broke down to me saying how bad it hurts losing someone that was your best friend. i do know losing a long time friend but he went through raising her kids her raising his kid, her problems and so much more shit together. so apparently he lashed out because of this suppression. it all started to come together as he laid it all out in tears. i felt really sad for him. he really is still affected by this and hasn’t let go. he feels like there was more he could have done. but i told him when someone is going through mental problems and is a severe addict there isn’t anything he could have done to help that person. she was just not in a right mental frame of mind. he told me how her parents did nothing for her funeral. nothing to help her when she struggled or gave 2 shits and that’s honestly so fucking sad. her family is shitty. i said but at least she had you. you were her family. you were always there for her. you did it all. i don’t like that he beats himself up over her death. he feels great sadness for her kids too because he raised the son like his own for years. but all of that lashing out in the car has nothing to even do with any of me or my family it was all his anger and sadness about the death of his best friend. i felt that. i understand. he told me he was sorry and he loves me and my family and i know he does. he’d do anything and everything for us. he told me that his thinking is that he’s lost so many people in his life. that having a new life brought in is something super special and something he needs in his life :( losing many but gaining new. it made me sad that he was holding this on for days and i didn’t know it. he said he didn’t even know it or he would have talked about it. i am not the best person to talk to when someone is on need because i may seem like i don’t care or give off insincerity. but i do care. i care a lot inside. i’m just not good at expressing it. but i think he knows that. he felt better and went to bed. hate him feeling so sad cuz he’s usually full of silliness. 

my throat hurts which i thought was from arguing on the car but i don’t think so. i hope i’m not getting sick cuz…