depression

depressions been extreme since i became pregnant. that’s not good. while i’m supposed to have ups and downs/mood swings i shouldn’t feel hopeless and angry at everything and everyone or not wanting to be here anymore. there are a lot of tributing factors due to being pregnant that’s causing me to hate myself and hate life now. but i’ve always struggled with depression. bipolar depression and mania i already am use to it but this isn’t good to be this way during pregnancy and angry about it. 

i hate my bf too. i hate things he does that i see and it’s hurting me. i hate the comments like “well you chose this” as in i chose to keep the pregnancy. um? that’s so fucked up to say even if he’s joking. i didn’t choose to be pregnant and he’s obviously the biggest reason i am pregnant. so to say shit like that to me is fucked up. i’m sorry? i didn’t feel right about terminating a pregnancy when i saw the proof of life started? sorry I’m a sensitive and emotional person that couldn’t bring myself to do something i know would have ended our relationship or caused me further psychological problems… fuck you. does he think i like having no alcohol no drugs no fun. hardly can drink caffeine can’t take this, can’t eat that. like you get to have fun. you still drink, you still smoke bowls, you can have as much caffeine as you want. you have no problems there. the women deal with it all. the men sit back and just wait for the baby to come. the women do most of the baby work. like go fuck off. 

just sick of people. sick of this. i go through ups and downs with this as any unplanned pregnant woman would. i’m just worried about my mental state being this severely depressed. there’s postpartum depression and then there is this… forget the name but it’s def that. idk what to do cuz i don’t wanna take any SSRis or anti psychs while pregnant. don’t want developmental risks in the baby. so idk what to do. 

i just feel like my life is over now. i’m ugly and going to be fat. my self esteem is at an all time low. absolutely the worst. i hate being so superficial but i am about myself. my hair isn’t blonde enough. i wish the stylist didn’t put that gloss over it. i want blonde hair to be as blonde as possible with highlights but i feel it isn’t so i feel less pretty. i keep seeing hot girls all over social media and i’m over here feeling like a whale and i haven’t even hit the showing stage yet. i’m self conscious in my body and don’t wanna look like this for a year. my bf liking some bimbos pics on FB too and it makes me feel worse. he claims he only liked a few pics but when i scrolled thru he liked literally every one for over a year now. “i know her tho she dated one of my friends”…. i’m like, repeat that to yourself a few times and realize how weird that sounds. you’re liking half naked selfies of this woman that’s your friends ex gf. why would you be liking a friends exes pics so much? it’s weird. but shit like this is hurting me. like he knows i wouldn’t like that. most girlfriends around the world would be offended and hurt by that. he’s obviously liking these pics cuz they’re “hot” not because “he knows them”, or “i like a lot of posts” and the lamest one “i like seeing people look like they’re living life”.. bro she’s on a boat in a bikini showing off her body... most of her posts she’s in bathing suits, walking sexually in videos toward camera in a bikini and he likes them. has fake boobs and is in good shape with tattoos. bleach blonde. that makes me feel less than. i’m not longer looking like that and i won’t for some time. also me seeing him liking hot models pics at a time where i feel my lowest about myself is so hurtful. it’s the knowing that it would bother me and continue to do it. he deleted her and whatever. didn’t ask him to but he said he did. but the fact it’s been done, still hurt over it so i let myself do bad stuff. i lurked more and found he likes a lot of girls selfies. never pics of them with kids or husband or anything else.  only the selfies. what does that say? then to only like the girls that are “pretty” not the fat ones or the girls that are not pretty. i never thought he was like that. never thought he cared. but he’s still a typical guy.

makes me wanna be alone. 

how would he like it if i was liking shirtless men with their dicks showing thru their shorts? he’d be offended 100%. he would always tell me who to add and who not to cuz he was afraid of creeps on my fb. well you know what fuck you. i’m gonna start adding whoever and i’m going to start liking stuff i know he’d be offended over. i posted a “hot” pic of me that shows my whole body but i only have him as a viewer of that fb story to see what he says when he sees it. watch him make a comment on it cuz he doesn’t want that showing on fb. or it might backfire and he’ll like the story lol. i know there are worse things he could be doing as a bf but the thing is he’s not thinking about my feelings. he knows these things would trigger me but he still does it. that’s what pisses me off. then to top it off with my self hate right now due to body changes i can’t help is just cruel.