12 weeks

guess i should change the nickname to something else since it’s bigger than a bean now. 

im at week 12 and my miscarriage rate should have dropped a lot now. but i won’t be fully convinced until i see the next ultrasound scan then i think i can ease my worries. still need to find an obgyn that takes medicaid patients. the place i wanted to go to was “booked up” for patients with medicaid. i don’t really wanna go anywhere else cuz bad reviews i’ve seen online. but we’ll see. need to get checked out by actual doctor. they’re gonna do a lot of invasive check ups. breast exams, possible pap, take blood from me and ask bunch of questions. i just want the ultrasound dammit 😫 i need confirmation my baby is still alive and i didn’t have any silent miscarriages. it’s scary that happens. 

got my brother 2 comics this weekend for his birthday Thursday. he likes Scooby Doo and Miles Morales so I came upon this funny Scooby Doo and Batman comic and thought it was pretty funny. 

i also got another Harley Quinn comic. 

i’ve been really, really bloated this past few days. miserable and feeling like a whale. when i looked it up it says week 11-12 is usually time to be bloated from all the progesterones. i try and try to eat better but i’m constantly wanting to eat. today i had jalapeño poppers from sonic since i was too hungry to wait on my bf for dinner even though when i got them he was on his way home of course. i just got those and a large iced water so not too bad. then we made sriracha green beans again and lemon bbq chicken 

but see then the snacking is my problem these days. i ate Nerds candy, pickles and wasabi peas tonight 😫 i wish these cravings would cool it. i will keep trying to eat a healthier diet. i don’t wanna gain any extra unnecessary weight. 😞 

new albums

finally one of my fave bands The Sleeping is putting out a new album after YEARS of nothing because they broke up. recently got back together and i can’t wait. supposed to come out tomorrow. i immediately downloaded the new singles. also The Hives new album comes out August 11th. 

might see the Barbie movie on Sunday maybe Monday. my bro said he’d take me lol. 

tomorrow my bf has to go up to Ft Pierce for something with his car but said we can stop by Dales BBQ. he said it’s the best bbq around so i’m curious 👀 

edit stayed up looking past midnight for the new sleeping album and all the sources online were wrong. their ig says Aug 18 😭 i hate having to wait i waited all week for nothing 

hahaha

😂 so bf saw the fb post and made a mad face reaction (so dumb) and texted me with a screenshot of my story and said “really?” so yea. he doesn’t like when i post pics like that but it’s okay for him to like other women’s pics who do? he couldn’t give me an answer and instead just spouted off other bs that i’m doing that bothers him. he got mad at me the other day cuz i don’t respond. like when he comes home and says hi or asks me something and i don’t reply. it’s cuz i don’t want to talk. i go thru this where i don’t wanna fucking talk to anyone. usually when i haven’t talked or spoken a word the entire day it’s like pulling teeth to speak. i’ve always been that way honestly. when i was a kid my grandma had to say “it’s polite to say good morning to people when they speak to you”. but i was such an angry kid at that time and my grandma is so cheery i’d just not say anything in return. guess nothings changed and it’s part of who i am right or wrong. anyways argued thru texts all day and i’m glad. he needs to fuck off sometimes. anyways i’m over it for the time being. 

i’m looking for bathing suits i’m comfortable wearing during the next 7 months. i found this cute high waisted 2 piece pinup style suit but all the sudden it won’t let me pick a size. so i looked more tonight and found one that looks sailor-y. it’s a dress bathing suit. it looks like a regular mini dress but it has shorts under and is made to go in water. i’ll feel comfortable in that cuz it’ll cover my stomach. 😞

symptoms as of 11 weeks & 3 days:

-can’t. stop. peeing. i have to get up multiple times, especially at night to go to the bathroom. i got worried cuz it felt uncomfortable in the bladder area like i have to go but i don’t. and no it’s not a uti. no pain just feels like i keep having to pee when i don’t. so i drank a lot of water to flush it all out. it helped but it still feels weird. the uterus starts to press on the bladder as it expands so it’s probably why i guess. 

-feeling hardly any nausea. i read where many if not most women throw up and can hardly keep food down. but honestly i’ve felt pretty normal. i mean nausea here and there but nothing like these other women. i still have a few weeks to go before that stuff is supposed to subside so maybe i should knock on wood. 

-boobs still hurt. some days not so much and other days i can’t even accidentally lean on them. that i think was my biggest symptom. the painful breasts was no joke in the very beginning. 

-stomach is round but not baby bump round. not til like 5 more weeks. i look pregnant but it’s just bloating from the hormone surges. sometimes it’s really painful and i try to eat a better diet but i’ve failed at that the entire first phase. but when i was weighed at the medicaid dr i was only like 5 lbs gained. i did look it up later and  net says i should gain between 2-5 lbs some sources say up to 7 lbs in the first trimester. i believe i gained 5 so far and i have 3 weeks left in phase 1. so believe it or not i’m doing pretty good there i think. *i think* all together i am suppose to gain around 35 lbs but most of it is in the stomach obviously. 

-depression i think is part hormones but not fully. i think my bipolar depression is in full mode. i’m worried a little about that cuz i don’t wanna get bad off. 

depression

depressions been extreme since i became pregnant. that’s not good. while i’m supposed to have ups and downs/mood swings i shouldn’t feel hopeless and angry at everything and everyone or not wanting to be here anymore. there are a lot of tributing factors due to being pregnant that’s causing me to hate myself and hate life now. but i’ve always struggled with depression. bipolar depression and mania i already am use to it but this isn’t good to be this way during pregnancy and angry about it. 

i hate my bf too. i hate things he does that i see and it’s hurting me. i hate the comments like “well you chose this” as in i chose to keep the pregnancy. um? that’s so fucked up to say even if he’s joking. i didn’t choose to be pregnant and he’s obviously the biggest reason i am pregnant. so to say shit like that to me is fucked up. i’m sorry? i didn’t feel right about terminating a pregnancy when i saw the proof of life started? sorry I’m a sensitive and emotional person that couldn’t bring myself to do something i know would have ended our relationship or caused me further psychological problems… fuck you. does he think i like having no alcohol no drugs no fun. hardly can drink caffeine can’t take this, can’t eat that. like you get to have fun. you still drink, you still smoke bowls, you can have as much caffeine as you want. you have no problems there. the women deal with it all. the men sit back and just wait for the baby to come. the women do most of the baby work. like go fuck off. 

just sick of people. sick of this. i go through ups and downs with this as any unplanned pregnant woman would. i’m just worried about my mental state being this severely depressed. there’s postpartum depression and then there is this… forget the name but it’s def that. idk what to do cuz i don’t wanna take any SSRis or anti psychs while pregnant. don’t want developmental risks in the baby. so idk what to do. 

i just feel like my life is over now. i’m ugly and going to be fat. my self esteem is at an all time low. absolutely the worst. i hate being so superficial but i am about myself. my hair isn’t blonde enough. i wish the stylist didn’t put that gloss over it. i want blonde hair to be as blonde as possible with highlights but i feel it isn’t so i feel less pretty. i keep seeing hot girls all over social media and i’m over here feeling like a whale and i haven’t even hit the showing stage yet. i’m self conscious in my body and don’t wanna look like this for a year. my bf liking some bimbos pics on FB too and it makes me feel worse. he claims he only liked a few pics but when i scrolled thru he liked literally every one for over a year now. “i know her tho she dated one of my friends”…. i’m like, repeat that to yourself a few times and realize how weird that sounds. you’re liking half naked selfies of this woman that’s your friends ex gf. why would you be liking a friends exes pics so much? it’s weird. but shit like this is hurting me. like he knows i wouldn’t like that. most girlfriends around the world would be offended and hurt by that. he’s obviously liking these pics cuz they’re “hot” not because “he knows them”, or “i like a lot of posts” and the lamest one “i like seeing people look like they’re living life”.. bro she’s on a boat in a bikini showing off her body... most of her posts she’s in bathing suits, walking sexually in videos toward camera in a bikini and he likes them. has fake boobs and is in good shape with tattoos. bleach blonde. that makes me feel less than. i’m not longer looking like that and i won’t for some time. also me seeing him liking hot models pics at a time where i feel my lowest about myself is so hurtful. it’s the knowing that it would bother me and continue to do it. he deleted her and whatever. didn’t ask him to but he said he did. but the fact it’s been done, still hurt over it so i let myself do bad stuff. i lurked more and found he likes a lot of girls selfies. never pics of them with kids or husband or anything else.  only the selfies. what does that say? then to only like the girls that are “pretty” not the fat ones or the girls that are not pretty. i never thought he was like that. never thought he cared. but he’s still a typical guy.

makes me wanna be alone. 

how would he like it if i was liking shirtless men with their dicks showing thru their shorts? he’d be offended 100%. he would always tell me who to add and who not to cuz he was afraid of creeps on my fb. well you know what fuck you. i’m gonna start adding whoever and i’m going to start liking stuff i know he’d be offended over. i posted a “hot” pic of me that shows my whole body but i only have him as a viewer of that fb story to see what he says when he sees it. watch him make a comment on it cuz he doesn’t want that showing on fb. or it might backfire and he’ll like the story lol. i know there are worse things he could be doing as a bf but the thing is he’s not thinking about my feelings. he knows these things would trigger me but he still does it. that’s what pisses me off. then to top it off with my self hate right now due to body changes i can’t help is just cruel. 

exhausting day

so my mom took me to the medicaid place and my sister road along. my mom’s car AC has been acting up so it doesn’t blow as hard (insert “that’s what she said” joke here). so the car was brutally hot and todays temp was in the upper 90s so “feels like” temp was in the 100s. we were dying on the way there. then we get there and it’s hot as fuck inside there too. apparently their AC broke that afternoon. of course what are the odds. 

so i had to answer questions and fill out some stuff. they didn’t care about my birth certificate not being available i guess. they wanted my bfs income and his social security numbers. i had to call him and ask for all this info cuz i wasn’t prepared. i had no idea i had to give all that. so they call me in the back right away as i am still signing papers, so i had to leave my phone and purse with my mom and sister. i didn’t have time to grab  any of it. went in the back and the nurse there took my blood pressure which was high. she asked me if i’ve ever had issues with high blood pressure and i said no. she said maybe it’s the heat and nerves. so she talked to me about testing for hiv and other diseases and asked if i have ever had a test done for it. i said no i don’t know much about that stuff. asked if i’m willing to get blood work done to check for hiv and other stuff so i said okay. 🤷🏼‍♀️so i had to pee in a cup to verify my pregnancy and get blood drawn for diseases lol i didn’t know i was gonna be doing all this man. it was so hot in there and i just wanted to leave. they talked to me about what meds i am on and i told her i’m on Metformin for PCOS and she said she was on it throughout her pregnancy for gestational diabetes. so my guess is when i find a dr to go see they will probably tell me to stay on it. she checked my blood pressure again and it went back to normal. guess it was nerves and overheating. she sent me home with a bag of condoms? lol don’t need them but okay. i think they send them home with everyone. while she was asking me several required questions i totally had brain fog. like i’ve been forgetting stuff so bad lately. she asked me if i’ve ever been homeless or in an unstable housing situation. i said “no i’m home all the time” she’s like “what?” i said sorry and asked her to repeat the question. idk why but i had her repeat it like 3 times til i understood the question. my brain thought she asked if i’ve been home… less like less frequently at home 😭. i felt so stupid omg. my brain has been in constant fog aka mommy brain. i guess it’s a side effect, i looked it up. like, i’ll go to the store and forget to pick up the pre orders and i have to go back after being home empty handed and i’m like where’s the subs?? oh shit i never even picked them up. it’s bad bro. 

anyway talked to the next lady again and she explain my medicaid situation and that i am currently on emergency medicaid and i should start signing up for regular medicaid now since it takes long to go through. so by time the emergency medicaid is expired (45-60 days) i’ll have regular medicaid ready. i wish my mom was in there with me cuz i have a hard time understanding stuff and remembering what’s being said. so i tried my best to pay attention but i already forgot a lot of it i feel. she said they will mail me 2 cards one is a medicaid card for me so i can get healthcare for a short while and one for my baby that is good for a whole year of the babies life. so my next step is to find an OBGYN which she gave me a list of places to go. i think i’ve decided on Physicians To Women cuz i had been there many moons ago. it also has many positive reviews. so next i guess i make an appointment and set me up there. 

after all that, back to the hot ass car we go. we stopped off at Sonic for a soda and a snack cuz we were dying of heat and wanted diet cokes. my sister and i shared jalapeño poppers and cheese fries. i didn’t feel too bad eating it cuz when i got weighed at the place today my weight wasn’t that bad. the scale said i gained 5-7 lbs which i’m suppose to during my first trimester. so i think i’m on track with my weight. when i got home i had to change the hamster bedding and clean up the guinea pig cage. fed all my animals. there was no time to sit down. i was on the go since the appointment i was so over heated i felt like passing out. then after that i went to the store to get items and dinner. finallyyy i’m laying back a bit. once my bf is home from practice i’m going to make these Publix premade street tacos i got. they looked pretty good… nothing else was appealing to me. i am starting to get hungry but i told him i’d share them with him. might have to make some and not wait on him. 

11 weeks

only 3 more weeks till second trimester. time goes slow yet fast? i have that medicaid appointment tomorrow and i have a feeling it won’t go as planned until i have my proper documents. but they wouldn’t give me any later times so idk i had anxieties on the phone and just agreed to tomorrow’s appointment. i don’t have my birth certificate, my social is in a picture on my phone and my license address is still my old address so then asking me to bring in 2 forms of proof of current residency won’t match? so idk how this is supposed to go down and i’m to be accepted. 

my moms going with me cuz i know absolutely nothing on how to do any of this. she isn’t all that prepared either so idk what she thinks they’ll say. i have a feeling they’ll say no until i order new documents. frustrated about it a bit and i hate hearing “no” and being denied. 

pool day

was pretty moody all day and i feel like a whale but i still managed to get some sun—burn. 

my non alcoholic bloody marry

 

had to get gas before my hair appointment and this is why i hate getting gas alone. guys always stare there. idk what it is but girls getting gas always get looks. why gas stations? of course after leaving the gas station, a cop is behind me. i turned into Meaghan’s complex so he wasn’t behind me to see that my car tag is still expired. planning to hopefully take care of it finally this coming week. 

so got my hair done which took about 3 hours since she did a mini partial. usually it takes like 5 hours for full set of highlights. she added face framing highlights with bleach and kept adding the darker blonde pieces so the growth looks well blended. i haven’t heard this in years since i burned my long hair off (ptsd) she told me my hair looks great and that i won’t even need a trim next time. she said i barely needed one this time but she lightly trimmed it up and fixed the bangs i butchered. i always tip her extra extra so she takes care of me every visit. told her i’m pregnant but not to say anything to friends since i’m waiting til the second trimester to announce it. only 3 more weeks. end of the 12th week with a positive scan of the baby will bring me great ease. 

i had to talk to the medicaid people today to set up an appointment and she told me i need to bring ID, birth certificate, social security card and 2 mails for proof of address. wouldn’t you know all my stuff is in a bag in the fucking storage unit. i told them i’d need to have one replaced and she asked if i could come in tomorrow. um no… i wouldn’t get the replacement b/c in time obviously. then she said Monday and i’m like ugh cuz i don’t think it’d get here even that fast with expedited shipping. i just said yes that’s fine. i’ll go in Monday. i’m hoping they’ll let me at least prove i purchase a replacement birth certificate and that i’ll bring it in when it arrives. i also don’t have my social on me but i have a pic of it. i hope all this will be good enough to get on the emergency medicaid so i can at least get a couple obgyn visits in for ultrasounds and stuff til i can get on regular medicaid. 

feeling gaggy right now. it usually occurs at night for me if it does ugh 😣 i just sprayed a fucking spider in the corner of the room 

hello 10 weeks

3 more weeks til i’m out of the awful first trimester. had nausea tonight so i hardly ate dinner. i could only eat a sandwich and 2 baby dill pickles. then after an hour or so i ate more pickles and peanuts. hopefully i won’t feel sick now but maybe i’ll be ok once i go to sleep.

we went to this comic book store that’s been here forever. i’ve been saying i wanted to check it out for at least 3-4 years. always said “let’s go this weekend” and never went. my brother and i also said the other day we wanted to go and he suggested we go Saturday. i always see it poppin’ on weekends because they play D&D there. i got 2 Harley Quinn comics

i think i’ll go there at least every other week and collect more 

we got indian food to go last night and man it’s good. i’m gonna ask my mom if i can eat her left overs 😭 she never eats left overs. they’ll sit in fridge til we have to throw it out. 

so it’s been officially decided i’m not going to the NOFX show 😞 i’m just going to stay here and he’ll get a ride up to Orlando with another friends that’s going. he said he’ll sell my ticket and split that ticket money with me so i can have some money to go shopping while he’s gone. 

hair appointment on Thursday and she said we’ll probably do a mini partial so idk exactly what that entails but it’s cheaper than a regular partial and obviously cheaper than a full head of highlights. i asked for an estimate and she said 105-115 with hair cut. i wonder if i should mention that i’m pregnant or not. my mom said maybe not cuz some people are weird about dying hair and stuff when pregnant but i don’t think she’ll not do my hair cuz of it. doctors say it’s fine to and maybe some doctors say otherwise. it’s all down to personal opinion and preference. but from what i’ve read, if anything, highlighting hair is better than full on dye. nothing is touching your skin if you’re highlighting. some people get really weird about it though. i think i will tell her so that she knows i might not be able to come in as soon for any touch-ups due to the circumstances and maybe she can do something or recommend something to make the hair growth not so obvious with roots. idk just a thought. also she does friends of mine’s hair and i just found out that J.R is pregnant too.  i wonder if the stylist knows or we just know cuz Paulseidon told us. he’d know before any announcement cuz he’s cousins with J.R. but how funny is that? she’s pregnant too. i was thinking the other day if her and F.S were ever gonna have a kid together. she has a son but not with him. they cancelled their wedding it seems cuz my bf said we never got the invitation. now the reason is explained. 

i’m going to tell my stylist not to tell J.R or Megs. i still wanna keep it under the radar til i hit 13-14 weeks and i’m into the second phase and the MC rates drop significantly. the first tri. sucks more than any other. the MC fear is constant. then hormones are so crazy… the breast pain, uterus pains, nausea, wanting to kill someone then crying the next. my blood is pumping faster than normal so i get overheated. it’s basically like in PMSing for months. i’ll be 10 weeks tomorrow, so 3 weeks and i’m outa the first phase. i hope everything is good til then i keep praying every day about it. 

next week or so i need to fix my fucking car tag. then i am going to start working on medicaid stuff. i need to have an obgyn. i at least want to see someone for an ultrasound by the 12th week to make sure it’s still going well. it’s gonna be scary nerve wracking for me.  it’s important to get this going though so i can have these doctors visits paid for. 

updates

i’ve been eating like shit lately but read other women say they ate like shit too bc it’s all they could eat during the first trimester without getting sick. they also said they don’t plan to start healthier eating habits until second trimester when the baby is actually getting the nutrients from what you eat. one said the baby is getting nutrients from the vitamins we take right now in the early stages. i’ve been taking prenatal vitamins since i had my first ultrasound 2-3 weeks ago so i guess the baby is getting the goods from that. 

i had some nausea today after saying how i haven’t had any sickness yet when this is supposed to be the start of the hardest week for the first tri. i should have knocked on wood cuz damn i feel like i could have thrown up tonight if i coughed or breathed in differently. one wrong move and it’s be over. i gagged once kinda but not a full on heave. i took a Unisom (Walgreens version) tonight to help the nausea. i seem to get “morning sickness” in the evening or at night. not as much in the morning. idk why i had to make that braggy comment about not feeling sick when i’m only on day 2 of 9 weeks as of 1:21am. 

i tried to change my blog name out of impulsivity. i get bored randomly of blog names and usernames in general and get super adhd about it so i change them and i always regret it. so i bought a new domain name hellokaley and i do like it, but i don’t love it. i immediately regretted buying that 6 dollar domain 😩 i had a hard time switching to it too with the changing dns info. so yea it was pointless. the way i usually keep names for a long time is because the times i do wanna change them, i tell myself to wait it out a few days cuz i usually change my mind in the name change. but this time i didn’t wait and i bought the domain and briefly changed other usernames to it and i hated it. i miss kittykaley 😭 it’s just me. i think i’ll just stick with that or just keep my name in usernames. sometimes i just feel like kitty in a name is kind of juvenile. but i like cute stuff always have and always will so i don’t want to care (even tho i slightly do). so anyway, i reinstated kittykaley but i haven’t switched because i need to use this one for at least a little bit right? i mean i fucking bought it 😭 but who knows with my impulsive behavior. i might change it back tomorrow. i’m so weird, i hate it. it’s definitely some form of ocd. i’ve always been so obsessed with how a username/name looks written. i typically like letters that seem small and rounded. hellokaley has rounded letters therefore it looks appealing to me. kittykaley is small and cute but not rounded which is probably why i started having feelings against it at the time. it’s so not important but it’s how my brain works 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

9 weeks

when i went in for 2nd ultrasound they said due date changed to Feb 12th instead of 13th. so today i hit 9 weeks. the worst of the side effects start today 😖

8 week ultrasound

so i had some nausea today, kinda bad. on the way to the appointment i was so nauseous but i had to drink water to fill my bladder for the ultrasound. we went in together and got my scan done. the baby looks a lot bigger in comparison to 2 weeks ago. the growth rate is crazy. the lady was like “a lot bigger this time huh?” i laughed and said yea cuz damn i was pretty surprised. she said the heart beat per minute was 160 and she said “good”. then i said “yea faster than last time it was 120” and she asked if i had coffee today and i said i did. i had a small latte from Dunkin this morning. and she said “that’s prob why” but didn’t say anything bad or to worry. so of course then i was over thinking like so does that mean that the heartbeat is actually slower. cuz the chart i looked at seems it’d be lower. but then i Googled it again and found more levels that were different so i think the heartbeat rate was good. so far the baby is growing healthy and each week the miscarriage rate drops. so i hope the baby keeps going strong. i’m at 8 and a half weeks now. 

so they didn’t set me up for another appointment as in i need to find a doctor now. the lady told me about “emergency medicaid” and i might look into that while i work on getting medicaid. so i need to find an obgyn next and find out what to do next. 

symptoms so far

updating my symptoms since i hit 8 weeks + a day. 

•super tired constantly as if i’ve taken sleeping pills. hard to keep eyes open and get tired out really quickly when doing things. 

•breasts ache and for some reason the right one hurts worse and looks bigger. hurts to bend over or lay on them

•mild nausea nothing crazy nor daily. just some feelings of gagging. i could probably throw up if i wanted to but i avoid that and try to ignore it

•currently love eating pasta. different kinds including; pasta dishes, macaroni salad & pasta salads. craving strawberry milkshakes and ice cream. 

•sometimes those mild uterus cramps but nothing crazy

•severe bloating and i’m uncomfortable. i look like i’m in the late 2nd trimester but it’s just bloating due to hormones and probably things i’ve been eating this past weekend and this weeek. 

it’s looking like i’m not going to go to the NOFX concert September 30. my bf and my sister are telling me not to go because i’ll be 5 months i think and they think i won’t wanna be there standing in blazing Florida summer heat surrounded by sweaty concert goers. which sucks because i wanted to go so i’m bummed out. i’ll be going but i’ll be staying back in the hotel or maybe hanging out with my sister and best friend. Jacqueline lives in Orlando now so my sister is driving us up there and she wants to hang out with her during the concert and stuff. 

still scared about miscarrying and i’m not exactly eating well to keep my blood sugar leveled. i need to get serious about it because i want to reduce the chances. i have up to 13 weeks until i feel safe to share with my friends and other family since i’m still in that “hot zone” of possible miscarriage. the first trimester just flat out sucks. the side effects are at its worst and it’s possible it may not carry full term. once you get to 13 weeks the miscarriage rates reduce drastically. i’m only 8 weeks so i have a lot of time to dwell and worry. so Friday if my scans are good i’ll feel more relieved than i am today. they probably won’t wanna see me til around 12-14 weeks i assume but could be wrong. i’m always worried they’ll wanna see me sooner again because that could indicate possible problems they’re keeping an eye on. i was scared when she told me to come back in 2 weeks but i think that’s cuz i got my first ultrasound sound super early. i still need to figure out a regular doctor for this but trying to figure out how to pay for it. 

4th of July

we had made 4th of July dinner and my sister and zack came over. we made ribs in a crockpot, baked beans, collard greens & potato salad. sat by the pool a little today too. i was feeling really down today. so depressed and tired all day but tried to snap out of it. bf, me Lasso & RK went to see the fireworks display under the big bridge and got front row view. we just had to back the car in. fireworks

8 weeks

officially now a bean

little over half way through the first trimester already. i hope it keeps growing strong ♥️ i have my second ultrasound on Friday and i hope everything checks out fine. 🙏 

better day