updates on the issue

today i finally ate a bit more cuz i haven’t been the past few days. i haven’t had much of an appetite but this morning i ate some wheat whole grain bread toasted and i dipped it in gravy lol. i fell asleep til like 5pm. i had a dream i was holding my breath under water with this girl and went for air and in real life i gagged as if i almost threw up. weird. my brother came in and asked me if i wanted lunch or if he could grab me anything can it i did not feel good like eating and i was tired af. for dinner i ate a tuna sandwich on that same bread with clam chowder. followed by artichoke hearts and some sour gummy bears.  so i ate a lot better today in terms of amount. i feel about the same symptom wise. as i did yesterday and day before. minus gagging in my sleep. which is super weird but might be a side effect added with the dream being underwater. 

idk if my bf read my email or not. i did say he doesn’t need to respond. if he read it he might just have taken it as that and wanting to move on. he asked me if me or my mom tried calling the clinics again and i said no. because i rather wait the 7th week to get an ultrasound. that’s when you can tell whether there is a heart beat or not. 

i won’t know until the ultrasound on the 7th week. technically i could go this week as the 6th week but they say it’s best to tell at the 7th. that’s where they can get better info on the heart beat. just going by what i read i know nothing about this. so the baby could actually be dead inside of me as we speak but i wouldn’t know cuz the miscarriage symptoms won’t show for a week or 2. also there’s a thing called a silent miscarriage. so only way to know is to get checked out. 

i am still flip flopping on what i wanna do, but i really do not want to terminate it purposely. i hate to say this, but i rather i miscarry and it be natural that it happened. instead of taking something TO terminate it. i have my beliefs about this and i feel wrong terminating something inside me with a fucking heartbeat. so maybe if im not meant to have one, i will miscarry. kinda like keep it in natures hands. but who knows, maybe i’ll get way too scared and terminate it now before i get too attached cuz i may not want to be a parent. idk it’s all so confusing and hard to figure out. it’s prob one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to figure out. i hate it so much. i rather nature take it from me than pills. i don’t wanna make that choice. but i also may not want a kid. i just don’t know cuz i flip flop around so much. i think about keeping it and taking care of something special but then i feel like i rather just be selfish and not. but again, i may have already had the MC just not the symptoms yet. 

my mom had one and told me how badly MC hurts. like you bleed a lot badly and sometimes have to go to the hospital so they can get rid of the rest of it. she said it’s painful, very much so. but i still rather that, than terminate something for no reason other than fear of bf or life completely changing. i don’t look down on those who get abortions but for me my feeling is if i’m not in a serious need to get rid of it on our purpose then i shouldn’t. but hey, i still am flip flopping my choices and maybe i will chicken out and terminate it. i hate not knowing what’s going on. so getting the ultrasound will at least give me answers. i’d be very surprised if it either isn’t dead already or if it dies within the next couple weeks.