time to bitch again

so this is where the pregnancy thing brings me great depression. when i can’t go out and have fun when everyone else is. originally, it was going to be my bf and his friend W from work going to this show tonight. but Paige wanted to go too and i was thinking, man i wanna hang out and drink and have fun with her too if she’s going out. but then i thought to myself, i’m obviously not going to drink. i’d be stuck at a show full of sweaty people moshing and shit, straight up social anxiety ridden cuz i can’t have anything to loosen up. so i just said forget it, i’ll stay home. then he wanted me to take him and Paige to W’s house and they were all gonna ride together. i got more sad. like okay guys, see ya!! have fun! as i drop them off. so i got kinda mad inside. should i be though? no i shouldn’t. i shouldn’t care if they have fun, i should be glad for them. it’s my friends and my bf going out to have fun. i shouldn’t be so bitter about it but i was bc i couldn’t do it too. it just sucks. i feel like this is going to be sa on going issue, where i’m upset at others having fun when i’m stuck being pregnant. i get it, that’s my choice for keeping the pregnancy. so it sucks. but is it my fault my bf knocked me up after me telling him to be careful? is it my fault i don’t have the heart to terminate the pregnancy? i guess so…

it’s so bad i didn’t even wanna see anyone. i love paige and i didn’t even wanna talk to her cuz i’m so depressed and i didn’t want her to see me so down and ruin anyone’s mood or make them feel bad. so before i could leave to get chic fil a with my brother she walked in… looking so pretty. she was super dolled up and had a badass top on. it made me wish i was dressed up too and going to a show. could i have went too? yea… but would i have ended up sober and miserable while everyone else is drunk and having fun? yep. i’ve said this before and it’s so sad… but i feel like the only way i can have fun, is if i’m drunk. because then my social anxiety deteriorates and i can be fun and outgoing. but sober… i’m just an anxiety filled girl that is awkward and depressed. he also wants me to pick them up from W’s when they get back at like 1-2am. like??? sooo you wanted me to drop you off. you all have a grand time while i sit in sadness at home. then have to be out of bed to pick you up in the middle of the night? just feels unfair. he got a ride there bc i bitched. 100% i feel like he’s gonna ask me to pick them up. i told him i didn’t want to and if he could find them a ride then take it. but if they can’t, i’ll just go get them so they don’t have to pay so much for an uber from far stuart. i’m just fucking depressed. i wanna have fun. i wanna drink and party. i wanna hang out with my friends and not feel awkward around people. i hate this so much. i have so many conflicting emotions and i read that’s normal. but i feel bad i’m being so angry about it. but i can’t help the bitterness inside. i’m either super happy and excited about the possibility of becoming a mom in a new chapter in my life or i’m hateful when fun stuff comes up that i don’t wanna partake it due to bad anxiety. 

this was me today: i don’t want to see anyone. i don’t want to go with you to the show and stand around having bad anxiety surrounded by sweaty people listening to a band i could give 2 fucks about. why should i have to drive you and pick you up all the way to stuart when i can’t even have fun with you guys. i’m stuck at home miserable alone. then you want me to drive in the AM to pick you up while i listen to you drunkenly explain how much fun you had? fuck you. 

i feel like i’m being unfair but i just can’t help hating. maybe im just a bitch idk

edit: i didn’t have to pick them up thank god. paige is asleep on the couch made sure she had a blanket. feel better but still depressed