stuff so far

fell asleep at like 11 30 and woke up at 2 something am due to these cramps i’m having. kinda scary though i’m not bleeding or anything as of yet so not a miscarriage to my knowledge so far. i read that cramping is normal in the first 12 weeks cuz uterus is stretching to make room. they say mild but it feels pretty bad sometimes. to the point it’s waking me up. i keep trying to change positions to stop this. it’ll go away but comes back. it’s been going on now for a week or 2 now. so i took to Reddit and read old threads where women said they had really bad cramping (some women said bleeding a bit) but baby scans showed everything was fine. idk but it hurts. my breasts don’t hurt as bad again it seems kinda on and off idk. i haven’t gotten true morning sickness yet just nausea rarely and then feel like gagging sometimes. this whole process so far is super confusing. 

it’s Monday and i’m nervous for my appt Wednesday. it’s getting closer and closer and i’m pretty scared. the fear of coming home. my bf does not want this baby even though he’s changed his attitude after my e-mail and our talk. he’s less angry about it but hardly talks about it with me. but we all know he doesn’t want a baby. so i’m scared after my appt. if the scans turn out normal and there’s a heartbeat i’m afraid he’ll ask about the appointment and i won’t know what to say. i’ll show him the scans if he asks but i’d have to obviously tell him the ultrasound came back fine and then he’ll ask me about what i’m doing. i don’t want him to ask me.  i don’t want it to lead to anymore stress and upset emotions again. cuz he will know if i want to keep it or not judging by my reactions to the dr visit. when i have that scan in my hand. idk i’m feeling pretty scared… okay a lot scared. sometimes i wish i could just leave and run away and become someone else. name change, new life with baby in hand. but i would never be able to because i love him and my life here. it’s just my fear right now making me want to hide. i need to be stronger.