rough day

went to the clinic which was super cute. really nice place and the ladies there were nice. they asked me some questions almost like a counseling session. the lady felt for me when i explained to her that my bf isn’t on board and that’s what’s caused me great stress. i got my ultrasound done and i saw the tiny flickering in the corner and she’s like “there it’s hiding up in the corner”. i saw the heart beating and it was going fast. she said 120 bpm and i heard it. felt so weird hearing it cuz it’s crazy something is alive inside my body. i got my scan and i’m suppose to come back in 2 weeks.  due date is day before Valentine’s day. 

it’s a tiny blob thing in the scan but it the ultrasound it looked like a bean 

was texting with my bf on way home from the clinic snd he’s not being easy. he’s hurting my heart and just not agreeing with this. he wants to talk tonight after he has practice but i don’t want to. what is there to say? i’m not going to back down and he obviously isn’t changing his stance either. so why talk? just wish he’d be understanding from a emotional standpoint. i understand money and stuff but i’m working on getting help for that as the clinic recommended it. i also have family. it’s at this point about my life and how it’s going to impact my soul. taking abortion pills are going to kill my soul. i already resent him for what he’s trying to get me to do. unless he changes his tune that won’t change and i don’t know if a relationship can survive on that. he really needs to adjust his attitude on this cuz it’s looking rocky. honestly even if it miscarries i’ll still resent him for wanting me to do it either way. that hurts me knowing a part of his character is tarnished.  i see him differently. he needs to change that otherwise it won’t get better for either of us. i don’t even want him to come home. i just wanna be alone. 

edit before he left for practice he was mean. but i stood my ground. he said “i’m leaving i’ll be back later. i won’t talk to you about it or argue i don’t have it in me”. he came home and was nicer and we watched more of Swarm. i got him into it he likes it.