pregnant

i never thought this would happen to me. having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome i thought i’d never get pregnant without some sort of fertility treatment. i was wrong. after have been eating better and keeping my sugar levels down i saw an improvement in my menstrual cycle. i got it every end of the month but it still didn’t cross my mind pregnancy for me would even be a thing. my period was 10 days late as of yesterday and my sister and i joked and said that every time we take pregnancy tests after a missed period, it comes out flat out negative and then bam… next day period comes without fail. so i took the pregnancy test left over from my sister months ago thinking i’d jinx my period into coming. i thought it would be any day. i was bloated and my boobs hurt… looking back they hurt a little longer than normal. so i take the test and see the bright blue vertical line show with the faint horizontal making a plus sign. plain blue horizontal line indicates negative. so i’m thinking uhhh that’s weird but ignored it, showered and looked at it again when i got out. i took a pic of it and sent it to my sister saying i got scared what’s this mean. she said it’s probably nothing. her and my mom were out that day and they were looking up false positives. telling me it’s probably nothing but said they’d get me a digital pregnancy test in case. my boyfriend comes home from his hair cut appointment and i hid the test. but quickly. told him i was worried about something and i can’t hide my nerves so i showed him the test and i can see his anxiety rise. he was worried and kept asking me when my mom and sister would be back with the test so we can rest again. he was as anxious as me if not more. we had tix to see Spiderman but he said if it’s positive he doesn’t wanna go and wants to cancel the tix cuz he’d just be dwelling the whole movie. so my brother was showering and we had 10 mins to cancel. so i went outside to pee on the pregnancy test stick lol i stood there watching the digital load buttons waiting thinking no way it’s prob false and the other test was old and unreliable. Pregnant. it said pregnant and i was in shock. i told my bf who was waiting for the answer in the porch and he sighed and said okay. i walked into the room and held the stick up and said it’s positive. my mom laughed and said no way. she put her glasses on and read it. have it to my sister and she read it. they were shocked. my mom seems kinda happy surprised cuz HOW? like my sister said i should have been pregnant years ago in my past with how careless i was being i thought i couldn’t ever fall pregnant. i guess after eating better, taking my medication and doing correct lifestyle changes caused it to happen. women with PCOS usually need dr help to conceive. we cancelled the tix obv. i was shaking uncontrollably and cried on and off. 

i cannot financially afford a child. our living situation with my family living with us and others in the house is not ideal for a situation like this. my mom and bf both were looking up planned parenthood and how to go about getting an abortion. they said i have 11 weeks to take the pills that terminate the pregnancy. it’s expensive. i don’t want to have to do any of this. my bf and family said i should do it sooner than later to lessen the depression that comes after women who get an abortion. i’m feeling the depression as we speak. i don’t want to terminate it. i don’t want that. but i just can’t financially have a baby and raise a child. i don’t work anymore. my mom still doesn’t have a house. my bf makes enough for us only and pays the bills. i don’t feel like i have a choice and it breaks my heart. i never thought i’d feel this way. i never realized what an emotional roller coaster i’d be feeling having to choose abortion. i’m scared and i’m sad. if i were financially stable i’d absolutely want to keep the baby. 

but having PCOS and falling pregnant come with its own issues. says 30%-50% are most likely to have miscarriages within the first trimester. so the likelihood of my baby even living full term is very very iffy. my mom thinks it’d be easier to have it done by the abortion pill than to have it miscarry randomly. she is afraid my emotional mental state will be a wreck. she is worried i’ll “spiral”. i’m very sensitive person and i’m already feeling dread and guilt for having to terminate my pregnancy. but they’re saying if feel worse if i have a miscarriage. according to the abortion pill info the effects are like a miscarriage it’s basically the same just done purposefully. it’s going to hurt and i’m going to bleed a lot. i’m scared man. i really am. i’m emotional and i don’t want to do this. i created a baby and that is absolutely wild to me. not even in my wildest dreams did i ever think this could happen to me. i know they don’t want me to put it off too long but having 11 weeks gives me time to process what’s going on. i feel like i’ll procrastinate this situation. i’m not ready to have a baby but i don’t want to abort it. 

my bf doesn’t want a baby right now due to finances and wanting to live life. he’s been there and done that. he has a 21 year old daughter and told me he did the dad thing and doesn’t feel the need to do it again. so his opinion is also making me feel i have to do this soon. i’m hurt i’m sad i’m happy i’m a mix of crazy emotions. i’m happy to know that it IS possible for me. before it was never a thing for me and it always kind of bothered me deep down that i didn’t have the option to have one even if i wanted one. but that all changed yesterday. 

i tried to go out and have fun with friends but when we were picked up by then in an SUV full of drunk yelling people i wanted to leave. i was having anxiety attacks and on the verge of tears. we got the Charlie’s bar and grill and i wanted to go home. i was close to calling my brother or my mom or sister to come get me. but i got better after a few drinks. i ended up telling my friend ML i was pregnant and he said i’d be a good mom. that was really nice. but i explained our living situation and what not. i shouldn’t drink alcohol for a while probably even though i am going to have to get the abortion. i’m so depressed and anxious i’m even still shaking. i just want to do the right thing.