late night thoughts

we went to the going away dinner and it was uncomfortable for me. even uncomfortable for my bf cuz he drove us so he didn’t drink either. we sat there both kind of off to the side while some of our friends were loud and drinking. it’s always uncomfortable when people are drunk around you and you’re sober. i hate it so much. the food was good, Megs did a great job. i put so much on my plate. i put the Mahi, chicken, macaroni and cheese and asparagus on my plate. then had dessert; 2 zappatas? i can’t remember what they are called and some strawberry shortcake. afterwards we said good byes and i went home and chilled a min with my family. boyfriend went to practice for a couple hours. 

so me and my brother went to Walgreens. been kind of a nightly ritual to go to Walgreens at night and grab snacks. i just grabbed a Fiji water and some melatonin. my brother and i were trying to figure out which ones to get cuz i felt like 3mg wouldn’t do shit so i went with the 10mg which was 16.99 damn. for melatonin? yea. we come home and i decide to research it before i take it and come to find most doctors say no to melatonin for preg women. luckily i didn’t open the seal on the inside of the cap. i got the receipt out of the trash and i’m going to return them tomorrow. apparently i can take Unisom but i can’t take a natural supplement. it makes no sense but according to google there is no real info on it so doctors say no to it. there’s no proof it’s not safe and there’s no proof it is. like how can they not know this by now? its 2023! sooo i’ll take it backkkk and switch to Unisom that’s apparently ~okay~ to take. i took a Benadryl at least which is also okay still awake tho at 4am 🙄 being preg sucks so much. you literally can’t do ANYTHING. can’t take this, can’t drink that, can’t eat this can’t be around that. like come on. sometimes i feel like people are just weird about shit and it scares women so they don’t do. 

i read so many conflicting things about all kinds of stuff… medications and foods. truth is no one really knows definitive answers. like some women okay drinking occasionally. in other countries it’s normal to drink pints of beer and wine sometimes. people say all kinds of stuff. my sisters the worst she’s like telling me i can’t eat lunch meats. the fuck? whenever i tell my mom all these rules she’s like huh? provided she was bad with me she drank up to 3 months with me cuz she had no idea she was pregnant. she was out to sea on a ship and just thought that shit was messing her up. she also smoked with me and had a beer on her 8th month of pregnancy and i turned out um…. okayish 😂 but me and my siblings are all normal and in fact it’s sickening how smart my brother and sister are like way too smart. they always know everything. smarter than me but maybe cuz they weren’t the test baby where my mom had no clue what she was doing at the time.  i read where people say you can’t showering in hot water???? like come the fuck on. i think the best thing is to do what feels right. since science has no for sure answers on any of it. i sometimes take adderall and i read where some drs say no and a lot of them okay it. some women said they took. 40mg daily though out their pregnancy guided by their drs or obgyn and had healthy babies so wtf. /rant over

i still feel torn inside from missing out on fun things happening that i can’t partake in. i like going to shows and drinking. but i won’t be able to. i was thinking about the Christmas parties we’ll be invited to. like i’ll just be sitting there in the corner with my big pregnant stomach staring at my phone while everyone else is having fun and socializing. i hate to say it but i need alcohol to socialize. other wise i have social anxiety so bad and i’m just not happy or the life of the party. so i keep thinking how much being pregnant sucks. but then i tell myself it’s only for a year bc i’d at least wait a couple months of recovery after birth to go out and have a fun night. but still bugs me i’m missing out on fun stuff. fourth of july, halloween, christmas, NYE and even my bday. by then i’ll be mego prego. i just get down thinking i’m missing out on fun parties. so it depresses me like tonight i felt so damn depressed when i got home.

basically, i feel so trapped cuz i feel obligated to go thru with this cuz i can’t terminate it. i just can’t bring myself to do it it feels wrong and i feel deeply i’ll regret it later on. so i am trying to tell myself to deal with it. it’s worse when i’m sitting on the couch at Megs and i see Bernadette and Megs talking back and forth; Bernie: “babies? why would anyone want that ugh”. Megs: “cuz babies are amazing 😻 “. it’s like those 2 talking are the 2 thoughts that ping pong back and forth into my head. sigh i’m taking it day by day still. there’s 10 weeks that you can take the abortion pill. i’m officially week 6 and 2 days since my first exam. still wondering when my bf will bring it up again. he hasn’t since yesterdays drama. i’m sure he will. i’m still trying to do the right thing and i can only do so by taking this day by day i guess idk really hope he never brings it up again but we can’t get that lucky.