just yea

feel sick like gagging. i made the mistake of eating more cuz i craved more spaghetti. i have been addicted to spaghetti and i’ve eaten pasta every week. so i reheated spaghetti i made for dinner and ate a couple pickles. odd combo but i guess it’s those cravings. ugh i feel sick though. 

bf flip flopping again. knew that was coming when he didn’t say much about any of this for the past few days 🙄 i mean i get it… i notice he gets this way during the week day mostly and is nicer on weekends and more open. so to me it sounds like stress. i know he’s mostly worried about money. he still doesn’t want a kid but neither do i? but ya know what? i’m trapped too. i’ve made my decision and abortion is not an option for me. it’s just not. so i’m stuck and dealing. he seems to think i wake up and think gee i’m glad i’m me. glad this happened to me and glad i now have to completely change my life after not having to take responsibility nearly my whole life. am i excited about that? absolutely not. but it is what it is and i’m going to do the right thing. it may not be the right thing in his mind because he’s trying to think logically about this. but i’m a human with a heart and strong emotions. this is a living being that i first hand witness the heartbeat of. it’s my responsibility to deal with that now. i would not be able to live with myself if i took that other route just cuz of logic. logic and emotion are two separate things. i think this is something women understand. men will never understand. some might but most don’t. even i didn’t understand until i found out. i never liked babies or kids. didn’t care for ‘em. never got emotional over babies being born or any of that. but until you’re in that predicament… as a woman. you change. i changed my mindset on forming human life. 

i watched a fucking giving birth video last night. nothing graphic, just a woman giving birth. i wanted to see what it is like to feel. so i watched it and it looks rough. but when the baby came out, the moms face full of emotion and excitement actually got me tearing up. that wouldn’t have happened before. the happiness you see on her face while they hand her her baby is amazing. it really got me man. it is something special. something i never thought much about. i have friends with kids and babies and i just never understood til i became pregnant. i catch myself not skipping the tiktok baby videos now. 

this is something i think is going to be hard. it’s gonna suck sometimes but i think (for me) it’s going to change me to be a better person. not the selfish person i’ve always been. it’s going to make me take responsibility for someone other than myself. i think this happened for a reason and it’s going to show me there’s more to life than parties and not doing anything but laying around daily. i believe it will motivate me. improve my issues. at least it’s what i feel and how i’m trying to look at things. it’s still so weird to me, still new and something i never thought would ever happen to me. but here i am. i can only hope my bf stops being so sour about it and try to look at it as a new chapter for us to make us better. 

i think i’m done documenting his frustrations because it won’t change. nothing he says will change my mind and nothing i say will change his. so it’s fucking pointless. not even gonna bother writing it anymore because i know it will come up sometimes. he already apologized to me tonight after being mean but he said he still stands by what he said. fair enough but it won’t change a thing and he knows it. so he stressed about money and he rather tell me than hold it in. which is fine. does it make me sad? yes it does. really does. but he’s entitled too i guess. i’m working on getting money from the government. i always wanted to try but never went forth with the effort. but now i need help. this week i’m gonna fill out the paper work and send it in to start the process. 

my bf is going to a show with a work friend on Friday. his friend has no AC in the car, show is an hour and 45 mins away, it’s shitty hardcore punk rock and it’s gonna be full of nasty sweaty dudes jumping on each other so i’m gonna pass. he said he’ll skip practice and we can go to downtown Jensen on Thursday to make up for not being with me Friday night. so we’re gonna walk around and see what’s up with all the tents selling stuff. just to get out and walk around. can’t drink so we won’t be stopping in any bars. i need to get out of the house though. man i feel like throwing up