idk what to do

what do you do when your significant other does not want to keep a child but you do? everyone in my family is telling me to do what’s right for me and fuck other people’s opinions. but what if you care so much about the other and don’t want them miserable if you choose the opposite of what they want. having conversations with my bf about this has been going sour all night long. i told him that i don’t feel like i can terminate the pregnancy. i don’t want to and i don’t want to make that call. he told me straight up he does not want to do the dad thing again. so where do we go from here? i’m so lost and depressed. i know my emotions are going all over the place right now from the hormones but he asked me how is it fair for him to have to be a parent again when he does not want that. i asked well what the fuck about me? i have to go thru with the termination. he doesn’t seem to care as much as he should that this is something he’s involved in and caused. he needs to let me choose and deal with this. i understand his side whole heartedly. that’s why this is so hard for me and making me so sad and uncomfortable. if he was cool and said i should do what i want and he’d support it either way i’d be in a lot better shape with my decision. i’m heartbroken. i’m like ya know what then i’ll sacrifice so you can have a stress free, carefree fun life and i’ll just be crushed. i feel like terminating this pregnancy is going to destroy my soul. i hate kids and made fun of the people that couldn’t hang out longer and party… until it happened to me. until it happens to YOU. it changes your stance. he will never understand that because he’s a guy. he doesn’t understand the emotions and the attachment. i’m not that pregnant and it’s still a tiny little bean but that doesn’t stop my attachment to it and to what it could be if ot reaches full term successfully. it’s going to crush my soul if i purposefully terminate it. always wondering what it could have been. but he’s not seeing eye ti eye with me and i don’t think he will. 

my sister and i drove around today and talked and she’s on board with me and what i feel is right in my heart. after tonight when our conversation turned heated i left. i went for a drive for maybe an hour just driving and crying. he texted me telling me to come home and said that we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves until i go to the woman’s facility to get checked out and ultrasound. i didn’t want to come home. i wanted to stay alone. i came home but sat in my car for a long time in silence until my brother came out and sat with me in the car. we talked. my brother is the smartest, most logical person i know and told me that my bf will get over it. it’s my body and my decision and if he can’t get over it then we’ll all move away as a family. my family will be there no matter what. i explained how much i love my bf. we’re great and everything for 4 years now but this big situation has been causing lots of arguing the past couple days. so i couldn’t move away and i wouldn’t be happy without him. but he’s making me feel awful like i can’t even feel the tiniest bit of joy that i actually fell pregnant when it was nearly impossible. it’s a sign right? you’d absolutely think it was a miracle. i sure do. i don’t wanna lose this baby on purpose and never have this chance again. 

he says he’s done the dad thing. well good for you. i haven’t. so i’ll just never get to experience a greater purpose in life that isn’t selfish? having a baby changes you for LIFE. a life i don’t have. so i rot away in the bedroom daily and on weekends we party? then what? back to him going to work. i’ll most likely never have a job that’s stable. because i never had to. but sometimes it takes big change to push you to better yourself as a person and have purpose. i feel like this is my chance. he’s like well you can do that other ways, a baby isn’t the answer. but it is for me. it’s a big push that i need to change my

life. i’ll never do it otherwise and i don’t understand why he doesn’t get that when he knows me. so i terminate the pregnancy then what? back to square one. no life. no change. 

he told me that my family is living in a fantasy. that we aren’t thinking how expensive and stressful having a child is. that hurt. my mom has 3 kids she obviously fucking knows that. i hear him and i hear what he’s saying about finances and stress. but my family and i will not let that fail. i have support and not everyone can say that. if any guy reads this you may be on his side cuz you’re not a woman. facts. the pain i’m going to feel and the regret and self hate im going to feel that i took those abortion pills are going to eat me up and my family knows that too. i can’t bring myself to taking those pills. i feel like i can’t. i’m going to regret it and it’s what i feel in my heart. and what’s fucked is that he told me he doesn’t even get to see his own daughter cuz she doesn’t like florida. i said well you’ll have this one. and his answer was no i wanna see my daughter. sooo as in the baby we made doesn’t matter? idk if he realizes what he said but that hurt my heart. i love him so much and people all around me are telling me he’ll get over it and to do what’s right for me. but he’s making me wanna take the pill to make him happy while i emotionally suffer. he wants to claim unfairness to him cuz he doesn’t want this future for us but it’s absolutely unfair to me and i guess that’s not a sacrifice he’s willing to make. i keep trying to tell myself i’m not very many weeks. i can’t calculate accurately cuz i don’t understand it but i’m  6 weeks. depending on which calculation you take. so i keep telling myself i’m not terminating anything. but it’s the thought of waiting a few more weeks to see it become more is what hurts. i’ll never have this chance again and it’s hurting my heart. idk what to do. 

me and my mom called the woman’s clinic and they said they’d call back asap and schedule an appt to get an ultrasound, test and give me options ie) abortion pill, adoption etc. maybe the baby wouldn’t even continue past this due to my PCOS but to not give it a chance feels so wrong. i’m so hurt and i haven’t been THIS hurt and confused since i went thru a traumatic experience in my 20s. this is on par and it sucks man. it sucks.