can’t sleep still surprisingly. normally i’m passed out from fatigue. more thoughts leaning toward not wanting to be a parent. i feel like i wish this happened 2 or 3 years from now. i wanted my Vegas wedding first. i wanted the house to ourselves first. i don’t feel like i’m ready to give up my life of fun with friends yet. i know i’ll only be boring for 9 months (7 atp) but there’s still that responsibility of being there almost constantly for it the first few months. i’d never wanna go out and dump the baby with my mom or sister just for a night out so early on lol that’s awful. i’d never do that. so i’m just not sure i’m ready for this. i don’t wanna give up what i have even if it isn’t fully fulfilling with purpose. i always understood where my bf was coming from but there’s still that motherly instinct that comes with becoming pregnant. you have a feeling inside you that’s instinctual wanting to protect baby and love it. but i’m trying to weigh both outcomes and so far i’m going toward not wanting to go through with this. the depression and guilt i’ll have for aborting it will be there, possibly forever, but i feel i’ll be able to move on from it. this is why i really need to get into a doctor and get an ultrasound done. seeing it and hearing the heartbeat may be a little bit of a bad idea though cuz it’s make the termination decision way harder. but i need to do this next week at week 7 because i need to act fast if i’m going to go thru with the aborting pill. i don’t want to terminate it past 8 weeks because that’s too awful. the shape takes form and that’s a little too sad for my liking. right now it’s a tiny pea and hasn’t formed much yet but week 8 and even 9 it takes a human like shape and that’s a lil much. so i need to act fast if this is something i choose to do. ugh why does this have to happen to me now. why why why. i’m sure most women say this with unplanned pregnancies but fuck. i really hate this.
i read this part of an article (didn’t click it) but this woman said she has had 3 abortions and doesn’t regret it. i’m sorry but if you have more than 1 abortion that’s kinda weird to me. like 1 is bad enough. you should know my now that you are going to get pregnant again if you’re not careful. so you are just gonna keep terminating babies cuz you’re careless? 3? that’s weird. if i have an abortion i’m gonna be careful as fuck to never have to go thru this again. until or if im ever ready again. and if i got pregnant again that’s my carelessness and i’d just keep it then. second time? yea i’d keep the baby at that point. people are so weird and while i get everyone’s got opinions and they have rights over their bodies that’s just fucking weird to me.
on a much lighter note my bf showed me a pic of a pig my friend Meaghan found on the side of the road and thought it was someone’s pet so she got out of the car (there were play by play pics lmao) her petting the pig and trying to find the owner. until the animal services showed up and said “ma’am you ought to be careful that’s a wild pig” lmaoooooo i died. she was sitting there with the pig on her lap scratching it’s ears 😭
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