felt depressed and super anxious all day. i started to feel my first bit of nausea tonight. i went to the store to find something to eat that wouldn’t cause me to gag. walking by the meat section was absolutely a no for me. i got some frozen eggplant dinner. got back, didn’t eat right away and watched the movie called Tin & Tina. turned it off pretty much immediately when the first scenes were the pregnant bride who lost twins from a miscarriage. it was graphic and my bf said “yeaaaa let’s not watch this.” so we put on Hanna instead. i started feeling super anxious and panicked. then nausea hit me and i felt like gagging. so went to the gas station to get me ginger ale to help. i sat in the car waiting for him to come back with it and i just broke down. i started to just cry my eyes out. he held my hand and i cried saying i just don’t know what to do. went home and talked about it a little. he still doesn’t think we’re ready for a baby for the reasons i already knew. i told him my feelings and what if it’s suppose to happen. something to force me to grow up in a sense. i’m older now but still immature in many ways. i was saying how this could be a new chapter in life that will help me grow as a true adult with real responsibilities. something i’ve never had. he still isn’t keen on it but said we’ll get thru it.
my brother gave me good advice and said i can go to those planned parenthood places and talk to someone. he said don’t go in looking to get the pill but go there with opened mind and talk to the professionals who deal with this daily. see what they say and what they may recommend but it is ultimately up to me if i choose to go the abortion route. it just feels wrong. i hear everyone’s sides. women with pcos are at a much higher risk of miscarriages than women without it. so he’s also concerned for my mental health because a miscarriage will likely destroy me. but i’m also on the fence of letting it happen naturally if it does as oppose to me having the make that call. i absolutely don’t want to make a choice. i’m terrified man. i really really am and this is a big deal. the hardest thing i ever had to face in my life. i’m unsure, i flip flop between wanting to keep it and not wanting to. i’m so lost. my family is so supportive in this time. my bf is as well but he is trying to get me to see he doesn’t think we’re emotionally at that stage in the part of our life. he said down the road maybe we can change that but my fear is i won’t ever fall pregnant again if i wanted to down the line. the fact it even happened without fertility treatment is a miracle and i’d hate to lose that. i’m just so full of up’s and downs and confusion. so i guess my first step is to do what my brother suggested and go talk to someone before i make any major decisions. but miscarrying is terrifying and happens in 10 weeks or less for women like me. i’m 6 weeks pregnant by calculating.
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