better

🥰well🥰 i had a great heart to heart with him tonight FINALLY. i asked him if he read my email he said he didn’t. so i ended up telling him the gist of it. that i’m gonna have to put my foot down and do what i want for me. it started off a little shaky with the “i just don’t want to be a dad again” and the whole it’s unfair and he saw a different future for us. i said but you’re speaking for me. i have my own mind and choices to make and i gotta look out for me. i explained that i don’t necessarily WANT to be a mom but i find it may be hard to terminate something with a beating heart. he told me he actually respected that i feel that way and he totally understands. we still have different stances on this and i’m sure he’d rather me take the abortion pills but the fact he respected my opinion on it and understood why i feel that way meant so much. damn was like some weight off me. that’s all i wanted was some care and understanding from him on why i feel like i do. i said i still don’t know what i have planned but i think we can conquer anything. not that we want to deal with this but we could cuz our relationship is strong. he told me he wants to be with me forever and that his love for me won’t change. i don’t particularly wanna be a parent either but i’m not sure if i could abort. we’ll see how i feel at the time but he said we’ll take this day by day together and we’ll figure it out. this is what i wanted from him. no more arguing no more crying. just understanding and reassurance. he said he was glad we actually talked civilly and not act on stress and emotions. went very well!! 

things i’ve felt since yesterday: 

in order of strongest feelings so far;

• more thinking makes me think i really don’t want the stress of being a parent. i still want freedom like he does. i still feel i want chances to do things i want  i would rather have a miscarriage (hate to say that) and let it pass naturally and not by force with medication. but if it lives full term i’d have to deal with it and i would with much love for it. there’s a small possibility even after seeing a good ultrasound that i’d get scared and take the pills.