bad mood

tired of how repetitive my life is right now. i miss having my own space. i wish i had my own again where i can decorate for just me and have my own area. i need it and i will get it eventually and i’m not trying to say anything bad about my family living here but it’s been almost a year now. my mom said places are going down in price but it’s still a lot. i feel bad for my mom and brother too. i know they hate having to be here and want their own space too. im just sick of waking up, doing nothing then back to bed again. the most i get out during the week is going to the store to pick up dinner with my bf when he gets home or with my brother. no life living. weekends are usually full of fun but when it’s not i feel even more stuck. cabin fever kind of thing. i hate my life sometimes. i wish i wasn’t afraid to do think by myself. i want to go to the beach alone but i’m afraid that if i walk the beach i won’t remember which entrance i came from or what if i get harassed. i’m in constant state of anxiety. i can’t afford the help. i barely can afford my pcos medicines and dr visits cuz i have no health insurance. no car insurance and my tag is expired. i’m just feel stuck and unhappy. i saw this girl on tiktok talking about her fears of doing things outside alone. without her bf or her family. she was sitting there putting on makeup and explaining her difficulties in going to places such as the store alone.  i literally internally screamed ME TOO!  i get it 100% she was getting ready and said she was going to try and make herself go. next video she said sadly she didn’t go. she was too anxious to go thru with it. it made me emotional cuz i feel her. it’s hard having social anxiety and the thought of doing anything alone is terrifying. as afraid as i am i wanna try to make myself go to the beach and set up a towel and chill. but my fears always get in the way… if it’s not being harassed or taken it’s the parasites i could get in the sand. i hate how afraid i’ve become. it’s worse than ever. only time i’ve been good about it is when i’m going through a manic phase. and i end up doing stuff i’d never ever do. but that comes with it’s dangers too. 

my bf is playing music and i took the last hidden stashed gummy and my brother got me an ice cream sundae. 

i colored a bit yesterday (riveting) cuz it keeps my mind from constant dwelling. but my crayons suck and we can’t find the bags full of crayons, markers & colored pencils in this stupid house. i’m pms-ing so maybe my moodiness is from that but i am in the depression phase of bipolar 

ps i didn’t make that dr call. trying again fri