time to bitch again

so this is where the pregnancy thing brings me great depression. when i can’t go out and have fun when everyone else is. originally, it was going to be my bf and his friend W from work going to this show tonight. but Paige wanted to go too and i was thinking, man i wanna hang out and drink and have fun with her too if she’s going out. but then i thought to myself, i’m obviously not going to drink. i’d be stuck at a show full of sweaty people moshing and shit, straight up social anxiety ridden cuz i can’t have anything to loosen up. so i just said forget it, i’ll stay home. then he wanted me to take him and Paige to W’s house and they were all gonna ride together. i got more sad. like okay guys, see ya!! have fun! as i drop them off. so i got kinda mad inside. should i be though? no i shouldn’t. i shouldn’t care if they have fun, i should be glad for them. it’s my friends and my bf going out to have fun. i shouldn’t be so bitter about it but i was bc i couldn’t do it too. it just sucks. i feel like this is going to be sa on going issue, where i’m upset at others having fun when i’m stuck being pregnant. i get it, that’s my choice for keeping the pregnancy. so it sucks. but is it my fault my bf knocked me up after me telling him to be careful? is it my fault i don’t have the heart to terminate the pregnancy? i guess so…

it’s so bad i didn’t even wanna see anyone. i love paige and i didn’t even wanna talk to her cuz i’m so depressed and i didn’t want her to see me so down and ruin anyone’s mood or make them feel bad. so before i could leave to get chic fil a with my brother she walked in… looking so pretty. she was super dolled up and had a badass top on. it made me wish i was dressed up too and going to a show. could i have went too? yea… but would i have ended up sober and miserable while everyone else is drunk and having fun? yep. i’ve said this before and it’s so sad… but i feel like the only way i can have fun, is if i’m drunk. because then my social anxiety deteriorates and i can be fun and outgoing. but sober… i’m just an anxiety filled girl that is awkward and depressed. he also wants me to pick them up from W’s when they get back at like 1-2am. like??? sooo you wanted me to drop you off. you all have a grand time while i sit in sadness at home. then have to be out of bed to pick you up in the middle of the night? just feels unfair. he got a ride there bc i bitched. 100% i feel like he’s gonna ask me to pick them up. i told him i didn’t want to and if he could find them a ride then take it. but if they can’t, i’ll just go get them so they don’t have to pay so much for an uber from far stuart. i’m just fucking depressed. i wanna have fun. i wanna drink and party. i wanna hang out with my friends and not feel awkward around people. i hate this so much. i have so many conflicting emotions and i read that’s normal. but i feel bad i’m being so angry about it. but i can’t help the bitterness inside. i’m either super happy and excited about the possibility of becoming a mom in a new chapter in my life or i’m hateful when fun stuff comes up that i don’t wanna partake it due to bad anxiety. 

this was me today: i don’t want to see anyone. i don’t want to go with you to the show and stand around having bad anxiety surrounded by sweaty people listening to a band i could give 2 fucks about. why should i have to drive you and pick you up all the way to stuart when i can’t even have fun with you guys. i’m stuck at home miserable alone. then you want me to drive in the AM to pick you up while i listen to you drunkenly explain how much fun you had? fuck you. 

i feel like i’m being unfair but i just can’t help hating. maybe im just a bitch idk

edit: i didn’t have to pick them up thank god. paige is asleep on the couch made sure she had a blanket. feel better but still depressed 

Thurs night aka Fri night

i knew it. when the weekend rolls around he’s more open and kinda excited about this whole thing. so weird. he brought it up too, on the way to downtown Jensen. he said he is sometimes super excited about it. then sometimes super depressed. i told him “same”. i mean, he did kinda rant about it in text during the day and i shut it down quick. i’m like “too bad so sad” and i’m like “after my appointment i will no longer be discussing it with you, i’m done talking to you about it you hear me?!?” my mood was super gangster when i was typing it. seemed to do the trick cuz in the end he thanked me for letting him rant and he loves me etc 😜 he said “well i am entitled to my opinions so i won’t stop talking about it” i said “well, doesn’t mean i have to listen. that’s what headphones are for lmao”. 

we went out to walk around downtown Jensen to look at stuff people were selling and he got me this little cat thing in a shoe. and good thing i looked further into it cuz apparently it makes meow sounds when you press the hidden button. wonder how many people bought one and had no idea it did that. 

we got Crawdaddys and just ordered appetizers. ordered my usual… steamed mussels and a side of boiled peanuts. okay so while we were there i noticed this girl sitting right in front of us at the next table and i’m like “she looks familiar as hell…” then i’m like “that looks like Jenni… Ryan’s brother’s wife”. but i was thinking, why would she be down here? so i glance over to get a look at the man she was with and it was Ryan’s brother. what the hell? why’s my ex bfs family eating at Crawdaddys right next to us when they live in upstate NY? i wonder if they noticed me or recognized me. i couldn’t tell. they either moved down here which i doubt or they are visiting Ryan or something, more likely. wouldn’t that be interesting if he was there too? i’d be nervous but we’d all be cool obviously. wonder why he wasn’t out with them. anyways i noticed that the 2 just sat across from each other on their phones the whole time. not saying anything to each other. is that what marriage and kids do to a couple i wondered. i said to myself nah we won’t be like that. i remember then always fighting cuz his bro is a douche and has temper tantrums. he would get so mad at losing games or mad about the tiniest shit i was surprised they were still together and she didn’t leave his ass. but apparently they’re still married. it was wild tho what are the odds??

tomorrow evening i have to drive my bf to his friends house and they’re gonna go to that show down south. sigh maybe i’ll watch the rest of that Nicholas Cage vampire movie i didn’t get to finish cuz my bf wouldn’t stop talking thru out. maybe i’ll get my mom to watch it with me tomorrow night

just yea

feel sick like gagging. i made the mistake of eating more cuz i craved more spaghetti. i have been addicted to spaghetti and i’ve eaten pasta every week. so i reheated spaghetti i made for dinner and ate a couple pickles. odd combo but i guess it’s those cravings. ugh i feel sick though. 

bf flip flopping again. knew that was coming when he didn’t say much about any of this for the past few days 🙄 i mean i get it… i notice he gets this way during the week day mostly and is nicer on weekends and more open. so to me it sounds like stress. i know he’s mostly worried about money. he still doesn’t want a kid but neither do i? but ya know what? i’m trapped too. i’ve made my decision and abortion is not an option for me. it’s just not. so i’m stuck and dealing. he seems to think i wake up and think gee i’m glad i’m me. glad this happened to me and glad i now have to completely change my life after not having to take responsibility nearly my whole life. am i excited about that? absolutely not. but it is what it is and i’m going to do the right thing. it may not be the right thing in his mind because he’s trying to think logically about this. but i’m a human with a heart and strong emotions. this is a living being that i first hand witness the heartbeat of. it’s my responsibility to deal with that now. i would not be able to live with myself if i took that other route just cuz of logic. logic and emotion are two separate things. i think this is something women understand. men will never understand. some might but most don’t. even i didn’t understand until i found out. i never liked babies or kids. didn’t care for ‘em. never got emotional over babies being born or any of that. but until you’re in that predicament… as a woman. you change. i changed my mindset on forming human life. 

i watched a fucking giving birth video last night. nothing graphic, just a woman giving birth. i wanted to see what it is like to feel. so i watched it and it looks rough. but when the baby came out, the moms face full of emotion and excitement actually got me tearing up. that wouldn’t have happened before. the happiness you see on her face while they hand her her baby is amazing. it really got me man. it is something special. something i never thought much about. i have friends with kids and babies and i just never understood til i became pregnant. i catch myself not skipping the tiktok baby videos now. 

this is something i think is going to be hard. it’s gonna suck sometimes but i think (for me) it’s going to change me to be a better person. not the selfish person i’ve always been. it’s going to make me take responsibility for someone other than myself. i think this happened for a reason and it’s going to show me there’s more to life than parties and not doing anything but laying around daily. i believe it will motivate me. improve my issues. at least it’s what i feel and how i’m trying to look at things. it’s still so weird to me, still new and something i never thought would ever happen to me. but here i am. i can only hope my bf stops being so sour about it and try to look at it as a new chapter for us to make us better. 

i think i’m done documenting his frustrations because it won’t change. nothing he says will change my mind and nothing i say will change his. so it’s fucking pointless. not even gonna bother writing it anymore because i know it will come up sometimes. he already apologized to me tonight after being mean but he said he still stands by what he said. fair enough but it won’t change a thing and he knows it. so he stressed about money and he rather tell me than hold it in. which is fine. does it make me sad? yes it does. really does. but he’s entitled too i guess. i’m working on getting money from the government. i always wanted to try but never went forth with the effort. but now i need help. this week i’m gonna fill out the paper work and send it in to start the process. 

my bf is going to a show with a work friend on Friday. his friend has no AC in the car, show is an hour and 45 mins away, it’s shitty hardcore punk rock and it’s gonna be full of nasty sweaty dudes jumping on each other so i’m gonna pass. he said he’ll skip practice and we can go to downtown Jensen on Thursday to make up for not being with me Friday night. so we’re gonna walk around and see what’s up with all the tents selling stuff. just to get out and walk around. can’t drink so we won’t be stopping in any bars. i need to get out of the house though. man i feel like throwing up 

week 7

still calling it a bean since it looks like one right now 

light bleeding again :\

had more light bleeding tonight. always scares me but reddit tells me it’s normal and called hormonal bleeding. when your body thinks your periods coming. so it’s end of the month and it’s time for period so my body thinks this is time to start but it’s just confused and trying to regulate and get use to the changes. at least reading and that was my understanding. as long as it doesn’t get heavy and start cramping badly. the lady at the clinic did say if it gets super heavy i need to go to the ER. so far no cramps just the light bleeding. and it isn’t even pouring out. yet. i’m always scared

i tried to eat a better diet today but i caved in with a Wendy’s chicken sandwich and a slice of cheese cake :( but if this is hormonal bleeding then i can’t be doing too bad if my body is ready for period. 

tonight my sister and i went to the store and i got fruits and a salad. i saved the greek salad for tomorrow. i got watermelon slices, apples and strawberries. tomorrow i wanna make broccoli and sausage with a side of quinoa. salad for lunch and fruit for snack and dessert. that’s a well balanced meal cuz it has the fiber, protein, vitamins and grains. i can’t eait til that second ultrasound so i can have a lil piece of mind if it’s still going strong. i hope so ughhh i hate worrying. 

i’m gonna text hair stylist tomorrow to get an appointment in for july. i try to get my hair done every 3 months and it’s safe to while pregnant as long as you stick to highlights which she does for my hair anyways. it’s also gonna be on the cheaper side because its a mini partial highlight. i’ll tell her to trim it but not style it to save some $$. i’m gonna say it should be around 60 bucks. 70ish tops. 

so far symptoms

not much to talk about at this moment but i wanna document some of my symptoms. i started worrying about miscarriages and wondered about food i’m eating cuz i have pcos so i’m insulin resistant. i need to make sure my blood sugar levels are even so my hormone levels balance out. so i’m worried i was eating badly on and off. i’m 6 weeks and 5 days as of writing and the most miscarriages happen between 6-8 weeks. i have an appt on my 8th week and i’m scared and i hope the lil bean is okay and the heart is still beating well. i know i obsess when i’m worried so this is gonna be fun. then let’s say bean is okay on the 8th visit. still have the fear of a mc til around 12 weeks. the percentage drops each week so my second trimester should be safer but you never know. so i wanna stick to my diet that seemed to land me pregnant, eat lots of fruit (read that reduces chances of mc by 70% & vegetables around 40%), take prenatal vitamins that i just order on amazon. 

anyway symptoms so far are;

-sore breasts on and off sometimes worse than other days and it hurts to lean on them. 

-not much nausea yet. lady said 9th week it gets you most

-i’m breaking out. chin area is hormonal locations so i’ve broken out like 3-4 dots and i hardly ever break out since i was a teen so that’s definitely new for me. 

-some mild twinges like cramps but so far mild since i lightly bled. it’s on and off and not as frequent since 

pregnancy sucks and it ain’t pretty at all i hate the side effects and how boring it is but happy i have a bean inside to love and take care of to hopefully go on to be born 💕

i probably won’t be able to go to the Sept 30th last NOFX show. i mean i might… i read different opinions on concerts at that stage but i guess it’s depending on how i feel. cuz it’s going to be FL hot outside show idk if i’ll be able to stand that at that stage. we’ll see. :( otherwise he’ll have to give my ticket away to a friend and i’ll have to stay home. 

got mexican food today and felt bad cuz i ate carbish foods i did buy some watermelon today for the fruit intake. i also ate a salad. gonna try and stick to salads, veggies and fruit this week. 

best conversation yet

wow what a turn around. tonight my bf and i had hours long talk about everything and he told me he’s 50% supporting my baby living full term but 50% not on board due to fears with finances. which you know what? is 100% better for me to hear and 100% understandable. he said he’s been thinking about this alll week and was trying to look at it differently. i think after my appt Wednesday and i put my foot down and said i’m keeping the baby. i’m not aborting it. i will not take those pills. he got the message. no beating around the bush. no talking me out of it. the talk tonight changed my outlook on this too. i was flip flopping too and most of it was cuz i didn’t have any support from him what so ever. now after hearing this it eases my stress i feel i can be fine with my choice. i will miss out on fun. but i’m willing to deal with it for the baby. all i needed was his understanding and his emotional support. he said he was sorry for trying to push me to abort when it’s not something i felt was right in my heart. he said he won’t ever again. i’m so relieved to hear this because it means so much to me. i showed him my 6 week first time scan of the bean.  ^-^ 

my sister and mom are unable to go with me to my second appt in 2 weeks and i asked him if he’d like to go. he said he does and he’s going to ask his boss for time off that day. i think him seeing the next ultrasound will vastly improve his thoughts and opinions even further. he will be able to hear the heart beat and see it full screen. 

now all i can do is hope that my baby doesn’t miscarry and it can go full term. i’m fearful man. i really am. i know people with my condition don’t tend to carry full term and end up losing the baby early in. i have read that staying in the diet i was on that ultimately got me preg i truly believe. is one i need to stay on. i need to stay on this diet. i’ve fell off it for the past couple week on and off and i wanna get strict about it to play things safe. i want to take those vitamin things too. my sister mentioned them and said she’ll grab me some if she’s ever out before me. prenatals that’s it. man, if anyone only knew just how much weight has been lifted from me. all that emotional stress i was going thru is gone. now my fear is the possible miscarriage. it’s going to break me. i’m going to pray every night and just do what’s right for my body and take it day by day 

late night thoughts

we went to the going away dinner and it was uncomfortable for me. even uncomfortable for my bf cuz he drove us so he didn’t drink either. we sat there both kind of off to the side while some of our friends were loud and drinking. it’s always uncomfortable when people are drunk around you and you’re sober. i hate it so much. the food was good, Megs did a great job. i put so much on my plate. i put the Mahi, chicken, macaroni and cheese and asparagus on my plate. then had dessert; 2 zappatas? i can’t remember what they are called and some strawberry shortcake. afterwards we said good byes and i went home and chilled a min with my family. boyfriend went to practice for a couple hours. 

so me and my brother went to Walgreens. been kind of a nightly ritual to go to Walgreens at night and grab snacks. i just grabbed a Fiji water and some melatonin. my brother and i were trying to figure out which ones to get cuz i felt like 3mg wouldn’t do shit so i went with the 10mg which was 16.99 damn. for melatonin? yea. we come home and i decide to research it before i take it and come to find most doctors say no to melatonin for preg women. luckily i didn’t open the seal on the inside of the cap. i got the receipt out of the trash and i’m going to return them tomorrow. apparently i can take Unisom but i can’t take a natural supplement. it makes no sense but according to google there is no real info on it so doctors say no to it. there’s no proof it’s not safe and there’s no proof it is. like how can they not know this by now? its 2023! sooo i’ll take it backkkk and switch to Unisom that’s apparently ~okay~ to take. i took a Benadryl at least which is also okay still awake tho at 4am 🙄 being preg sucks so much. you literally can’t do ANYTHING. can’t take this, can’t drink that, can’t eat this can’t be around that. like come on. sometimes i feel like people are just weird about shit and it scares women so they don’t do. 

i read so many conflicting things about all kinds of stuff… medications and foods. truth is no one really knows definitive answers. like some women okay drinking occasionally. in other countries it’s normal to drink pints of beer and wine sometimes. people say all kinds of stuff. my sisters the worst she’s like telling me i can’t eat lunch meats. the fuck? whenever i tell my mom all these rules she’s like huh? provided she was bad with me she drank up to 3 months with me cuz she had no idea she was pregnant. she was out to sea on a ship and just thought that shit was messing her up. she also smoked with me and had a beer on her 8th month of pregnancy and i turned out um…. okayish 😂 but me and my siblings are all normal and in fact it’s sickening how smart my brother and sister are like way too smart. they always know everything. smarter than me but maybe cuz they weren’t the test baby where my mom had no clue what she was doing at the time.  i read where people say you can’t showering in hot water???? like come the fuck on. i think the best thing is to do what feels right. since science has no for sure answers on any of it. i sometimes take adderall and i read where some drs say no and a lot of them okay it. some women said they took. 40mg daily though out their pregnancy guided by their drs or obgyn and had healthy babies so wtf. /rant over

i still feel torn inside from missing out on fun things happening that i can’t partake in. i like going to shows and drinking. but i won’t be able to. i was thinking about the Christmas parties we’ll be invited to. like i’ll just be sitting there in the corner with my big pregnant stomach staring at my phone while everyone else is having fun and socializing. i hate to say it but i need alcohol to socialize. other wise i have social anxiety so bad and i’m just not happy or the life of the party. so i keep thinking how much being pregnant sucks. but then i tell myself it’s only for a year bc i’d at least wait a couple months of recovery after birth to go out and have a fun night. but still bugs me i’m missing out on fun stuff. fourth of july, halloween, christmas, NYE and even my bday. by then i’ll be mego prego. i just get down thinking i’m missing out on fun parties. so it depresses me like tonight i felt so damn depressed when i got home.

basically, i feel so trapped cuz i feel obligated to go thru with this cuz i can’t terminate it. i just can’t bring myself to do it it feels wrong and i feel deeply i’ll regret it later on. so i am trying to tell myself to deal with it. it’s worse when i’m sitting on the couch at Megs and i see Bernadette and Megs talking back and forth; Bernie: “babies? why would anyone want that ugh”. Megs: “cuz babies are amazing 😻 “. it’s like those 2 talking are the 2 thoughts that ping pong back and forth into my head. sigh i’m taking it day by day still. there’s 10 weeks that you can take the abortion pill. i’m officially week 6 and 2 days since my first exam. still wondering when my bf will bring it up again. he hasn’t since yesterdays drama. i’m sure he will. i’m still trying to do the right thing and i can only do so by taking this day by day i guess idk really hope he never brings it up again but we can’t get that lucky. 

tonight i’m going to go over to Meaghan’s because her son is going into the Navy. good for him for making such a huge decision that’s scary af. my mom went into the Navy fresh at 18 and she survived boot camp and all the while getting news her father died of a heart attack. that’s brutal and i can’t even imagine. my moms one of the strongest people i know and i think Mason will do great. that said i’ve had my share of times with her sons over the last 4 years and i’m so glad to have gotten to know them. so it’s important for me to go to his going away dinner. i felt apprehensive at first because i’m so bad with social situations with even friends without alcohol to loosen up my anxiety and i obviously can’t drink. so i was kinda like idk…. but i think it’d be good for me to go and nice to attend for my friend. my bf said we don’t have to stay long but to just eat dinner since he has practice after. Megs is making Blackened Mahi with mango salsa. sounds interesting. 

rough day

went to the clinic which was super cute. really nice place and the ladies there were nice. they asked me some questions almost like a counseling session. the lady felt for me when i explained to her that my bf isn’t on board and that’s what’s caused me great stress. i got my ultrasound done and i saw the tiny flickering in the corner and she’s like “there it’s hiding up in the corner”. i saw the heart beating and it was going fast. she said 120 bpm and i heard it. felt so weird hearing it cuz it’s crazy something is alive inside my body. i got my scan and i’m suppose to come back in 2 weeks.  due date is day before Valentine’s day. 

it’s a tiny blob thing in the scan but it the ultrasound it looked like a bean 

was texting with my bf on way home from the clinic snd he’s not being easy. he’s hurting my heart and just not agreeing with this. he wants to talk tonight after he has practice but i don’t want to. what is there to say? i’m not going to back down and he obviously isn’t changing his stance either. so why talk? just wish he’d be understanding from a emotional standpoint. i understand money and stuff but i’m working on getting help for that as the clinic recommended it. i also have family. it’s at this point about my life and how it’s going to impact my soul. taking abortion pills are going to kill my soul. i already resent him for what he’s trying to get me to do. unless he changes his tune that won’t change and i don’t know if a relationship can survive on that. he really needs to adjust his attitude on this cuz it’s looking rocky. honestly even if it miscarries i’ll still resent him for wanting me to do it either way. that hurts me knowing a part of his character is tarnished.  i see him differently. he needs to change that otherwise it won’t get better for either of us. i don’t even want him to come home. i just wanna be alone. 

edit before he left for practice he was mean. but i stood my ground. he said “i’m leaving i’ll be back later. i won’t talk to you about it or argue i don’t have it in me”. he came home and was nicer and we watched more of Swarm. i got him into it he likes it. 

new appt

so more blood today :( it’s still considering light bleeding which can be normal but that’s still a scary thought when you really don’t know what’s happening with your body. 

so screw Carenet fucking weirdos. i made an appointment tomorrow at 2:30 with this place in Vero Beach which is kind of a drive but it was either that or the Fort Pierce place my mom said was in a dangerous area. the girl on the phone seemed so nice and that was comforting. i filled out the form and all. she told me it might be too early to detect/see anything in the ultrasound so don’t get too alarmed. but she said she thinks they will be able to fit me in for the ultrasound the same day. which i hope cuz it’s so far. i hope they’ll be able detect it so i can see it if it’s still alive and not miscarrying. i guess we’ll see. 

my bf asked me today “so taking the pill is out of the question?” i said idk. weird he asked me that straight up. whatever i hope that everything works out for whatever is suppose to happen by choice of the universe. whether it’s meant to be or not we’ll have to see

uh weird appt place

i don’t think i wanna go to that appointment at that place tomorrow. it’s a weird place that gives free ultrasounds and advice to pregnant women but it’s apparently some weird religious place. i was reading the reviews and it had some bad ones saying they try to push you into their group classes. they basically try to get you to keep the pregnancy and give your baby up for adoption because they’re against abortion. so i googled the place itself and there are articles and blogs of people saying not to trust them. they try to manipulate women. one review said they just wanted an ultrasound sound but they wouldn’t book it. they had the woman take a regular pregnancy test for verification (i think all these woman’s centers do this) then they give an ultrasound. but these people were pushing her to take these classes she said she didn’t want. she said she just wanted the ultrasound. so someone there said to her that they scheduled it. she calls back later and they never even scheduled it, they just signed her up for those classes she said she didn’t want. they also kept calling her she had to block them. it sounds creepy. like some cult people or something. i also looked at the building and it looks weird. it’s painted this dull blue shade and it has no quality to it. nothing about it is inviting or calming. 

so according to the reviewer she said she went to a place in fort pierce instead. she didn’t say the place but when i look it up it gives me a different place and only place. a place that’s not  religious. it’s also more inviting. it’s a cute little pink place that has a cute lil shop inside for baby stuff. it’s nicely put together and has better reviews. it is also free ultrasounds and advice for women that don’t push their religious agendas onto you. i may go there instead. it says it takes walk ins too which is probably something i’ll have to try. my mom took work off specifically for tomorrow at 2 and my sister did too to go with me so i don’t wanna waste that. i hope i can get in idk. says they take walk ins and same day appts. i never knew ultrasounds were so hard to get into… i guess cuz i’m looking for those non profit shelters.  you have weirdo clinics around tho wtf. i saw one place with the most reviews but it seems more like a place for you to go just to get ultrasound. like for a price cuz it’s for people who are keeping their baby and just want photos for sentimental reasons idk. it said like 85.00 you get your scans emailed to you or sent to your phone and you get the heart beat etc like it’s for keeping memories not so much for options and advice. so i may have to do more research with my mom and check out the fort pierce facility idk i’m feeling really sketched out by the place i’m supposed to go to tomorrow. i don’t mind religion but religious PLACES especially based around scared pregnant women is weird. some of the reviews were just scary. 

small update / rant

well i went to the bathroom today and i had some spotting of color. idk if that indicates a miscarriage happening soon or if it’s normal but it’s really scary. i had those bad cramps last night and they even woke me up. now i have light spotting. so as i do, i take to reddit and Google “7 weeks pregnant cramps and spotting” and i get women saying they had the same thing throughout their first trimester. so up to 12 weeks they saw some spots of light blood but the ultrasounds came out normal. so i’m still planning on my appointment for Wednesday. provided i don’t bleed a lot before then which is not a good sign. 

my bf still sucks. making annoying comments that this isn’t where he wants to be in life and he feels it’s unfair cuz he has no say in this. trying to say how hard it is to talk to me or say anything cuz i’ll get upset and it then becomes an argument. um? bro…. i have been having that problem with YOU because everything i say will be a response i’m afraid of hearing. it’s always the same thing. i’m like, did you NOT read my letter? i thought you fucking did. i told him i was going to do what i am going to do and that’s that. no one is going to persuade me into my choice and i am NOT going to argue ever again on this. 

so i kept quiet and didn’t respond. i said absolutely nothing to what he said about unfairness. he fell asleep shortly after anyway 🙄 he’s really not making any of this easy. i understand his side i said this already. but someone has to make a sacrifice and it isn’t going to be me. if i don’t feel like i can take a stupid abortion pill i will not. i won’t take it. get the fuck over it. if not i’ll move out. sick of it. sick of him not accepting i have a choice in my own fucking body. he needs to stop trying to persuade me. 

he barely talks about this and he acts almost as if it’s not really happening. then when he does he tells me he doesn’t want this in his life. i think he’s really scared i’m going to keep it. it’s getting to him now yet he still is holding out that hope that i won’t. tired of this. he’s making it to the point i want to stay away and not come home after my appointment. i don’t wanna deal with him hounding me or being upset with my choice. just can’t people fuck off? i just wanna have this and be alone. sick of everyone 

stuff so far

fell asleep at like 11 30 and woke up at 2 something am due to these cramps i’m having. kinda scary though i’m not bleeding or anything as of yet so not a miscarriage to my knowledge so far. i read that cramping is normal in the first 12 weeks cuz uterus is stretching to make room. they say mild but it feels pretty bad sometimes. to the point it’s waking me up. i keep trying to change positions to stop this. it’ll go away but comes back. it’s been going on now for a week or 2 now. so i took to Reddit and read old threads where women said they had really bad cramping (some women said bleeding a bit) but baby scans showed everything was fine. idk but it hurts. my breasts don’t hurt as bad again it seems kinda on and off idk. i haven’t gotten true morning sickness yet just nausea rarely and then feel like gagging sometimes. this whole process so far is super confusing. 

it’s Monday and i’m nervous for my appt Wednesday. it’s getting closer and closer and i’m pretty scared. the fear of coming home. my bf does not want this baby even though he’s changed his attitude after my e-mail and our talk. he’s less angry about it but hardly talks about it with me. but we all know he doesn’t want a baby. so i’m scared after my appt. if the scans turn out normal and there’s a heartbeat i’m afraid he’ll ask about the appointment and i won’t know what to say. i’ll show him the scans if he asks but i’d have to obviously tell him the ultrasound came back fine and then he’ll ask me about what i’m doing. i don’t want him to ask me.  i don’t want it to lead to anymore stress and upset emotions again. cuz he will know if i want to keep it or not judging by my reactions to the dr visit. when i have that scan in my hand. idk i’m feeling pretty scared… okay a lot scared. sometimes i wish i could just leave and run away and become someone else. name change, new life with baby in hand. but i would never be able to because i love him and my life here. it’s just my fear right now making me want to hide. i need to be stronger.  

pretty nice weekend

we went to 5 Below yesterday and i got a My Melody plushy and my bf got this dumb lightbulb that’s supposed to look like fireworks. when we got back he realized it didn’t have a lightbulb in the box 😂 we have to go back and get our money back cuz we looked at videos of it on YT and it’s lame. we went to Castaways on Fri night and it was so packed but we lucked out cuz there was 2 seats left just for us. this poutine thing we ordered was so good. it has pork on it. i don’t understand why some days people stare more than other days. well at Castaways it was then cuz everyone was like turning around and looking at me it felt like. i mean maybe cuz i dressed up idk it’s not that much of a reason to all look but i did my hair cute

after we walked over to Boardwalk and i regret it for multiple reasons. 

i didn’t feel good all day today and i’m super tired from not much sleep past couple days. i have anxiety right now and i’m trying to ignore it but it’s hard. i probably just need to sleep but i don’t wanna sleep too early. i wanna fix my sleep habits. we went to see Spider-man: Across The Spiderverse and man it was an epic film. there was so much going on and so much stimulation from the art. idk if it’s cuz my hormones are all over the place or what but i tried not to cry multiple times. there was a lot of emotional and deep things being said. some of them really was an eye opener and a lot of stuff i’m going thru right now with the pregnant thing. almost made me want to choose to just keep it. being a parent and how special it is. it was super emotional for me. but man it was great. worth the whole 2 hours and 20 mins. 

we also stopped by the Asian market for our Yaki Udon dinner we wanted to make. we made it and man it was good. 

i also got those beginners chopsticks from the market. they’re for kids but my fingers fit and it was the cutest one. i also got some bubble tea. i tried the strawberry one this time. 

first appointment

i have my first ultrasound appt on Wednesday. i’m really scared. 

my bf tried calling dry cleaners around here and one person said Wednesday we could pick him up. and he whispered to me “can’t do that he’ll be scared” 😭 so true though. so it seemed all the places he called would take him staying over night. going to look into laundromat places see if any of them have steam cleaners and we do it ourselves. my sisters bfs mom has one but idk if she has attachments for it. it’s like a floor one

barely slept. maybe 2 hours. going to do some running around then i’ll need nap

gotta stop over thinking

i’m just not even gonna say anything anymore about what i feel like i wanna do cuz it just keeps changing. i’m just gonna go to my first ultrasound appointment and go from there. they finally contacted back and said to call and make an appointment. why have a booking thing online if we’re supposed to just call? whatever so tomorrow call them and make appt for Friday. that’s the day my sister has off work and my mom can take off so i’m not going alone. i’ll take it from there after discussions with the dr and see if the pregnancy is even viable etc. 

bf ended up reading that email i wrote out today and said it made him tear up. he said he was glad we had that talk as well. that’s good to hear. i’m glad he still read the email even though i gave him the run down that made him react much kinder. i’m glad he took my message to heart. 

tomorrow my bf and i are going to take Lasso to get steam cleaned. i re-stuffed him so he’s plump again. we sleep with him every night so he’s gotten flat over the years. so we’re taking him to the cleaners lol then we’re gonna go back to the asian market for more bubble tea and Udon noodles. we’re gonna make our own. we might go to some show thing which i hope not cuz i can’t drink. i’ll have anxiety and be bored i hope it rains us out. might see Spider-man finally on Saturday. 

even more thoughts

can’t sleep still surprisingly. normally i’m passed out from fatigue. more thoughts leaning toward not wanting to be a parent. i feel like i wish this happened 2 or 3 years from now. i wanted my Vegas wedding first. i wanted the house to ourselves first. i don’t feel like i’m ready to give up my life of fun with friends yet. i know i’ll only be boring for 9 months (7 atp) but there’s still that responsibility of being there almost constantly for it the first few months. i’d never wanna go out and dump the baby with my mom or sister just for a night out so early on lol that’s awful. i’d never do that. so i’m just not sure i’m ready for this. i don’t wanna give up what i have even if it isn’t fully fulfilling with purpose. i always understood where my bf was coming from but there’s still that motherly instinct that comes with becoming pregnant. you have a feeling inside you that’s instinctual wanting to protect baby and love it. but i’m trying to weigh both outcomes and so far i’m going toward not wanting to go through with this. the depression and guilt i’ll have for aborting it will be there, possibly forever, but i feel i’ll be able to move on from it. this is why i really need to get into a doctor and get an ultrasound done. seeing it and hearing the heartbeat may be a little bit of a bad idea though cuz it’s make the termination decision way harder. but i need to do this next week at week 7 because i need to act fast if i’m going to go thru with the aborting pill. i don’t want to terminate it past 8 weeks because that’s too awful. the shape takes form and that’s a little too sad for my liking. right now it’s a tiny pea and hasn’t formed much yet but week 8 and even 9 it takes a human like shape and that’s a lil much. so i need to act fast if this is something i choose to do. ugh why does this have to happen to me now. why why why. i’m sure most women say this with unplanned pregnancies but fuck. i really hate this. 

i read this part of an article (didn’t click it) but this woman said she has had 3 abortions and doesn’t regret it. i’m sorry but if you have more than 1 abortion that’s kinda weird to me. like 1 is bad enough. you should know my now that you are going to get pregnant again if you’re not careful. so you are just gonna keep terminating babies cuz you’re careless? 3? that’s weird. if i have an abortion i’m gonna be careful as fuck to never have to go thru this again. until or if im ever ready again. and if i got pregnant again that’s my carelessness and i’d just keep it then. second time? yea i’d keep the baby at that point. people are so weird and while i get everyone’s got opinions and they have rights over their bodies that’s just fucking weird to me. 

on a much lighter note my bf showed me a pic of a pig my friend Meaghan found on the side of the road and thought it was someone’s pet so she got out of the car (there were play by play pics lmao) her petting the pig and trying to find the owner. until the animal services showed up and said “ma’am you ought to be careful that’s a wild pig” lmaoooooo i died. she was sitting there with the pig on her lap scratching it’s ears 😭 

better

🥰well🥰 i had a great heart to heart with him tonight FINALLY. i asked him if he read my email he said he didn’t. so i ended up telling him the gist of it. that i’m gonna have to put my foot down and do what i want for me. it started off a little shaky with the “i just don’t want to be a dad again” and the whole it’s unfair and he saw a different future for us. i said but you’re speaking for me. i have my own mind and choices to make and i gotta look out for me. i explained that i don’t necessarily WANT to be a mom but i find it may be hard to terminate something with a beating heart. he told me he actually respected that i feel that way and he totally understands. we still have different stances on this and i’m sure he’d rather me take the abortion pills but the fact he respected my opinion on it and understood why i feel that way meant so much. damn was like some weight off me. that’s all i wanted was some care and understanding from him on why i feel like i do. i said i still don’t know what i have planned but i think we can conquer anything. not that we want to deal with this but we could cuz our relationship is strong. he told me he wants to be with me forever and that his love for me won’t change. i don’t particularly wanna be a parent either but i’m not sure if i could abort. we’ll see how i feel at the time but he said we’ll take this day by day together and we’ll figure it out. this is what i wanted from him. no more arguing no more crying. just understanding and reassurance. he said he was glad we actually talked civilly and not act on stress and emotions. went very well!! 

things i’ve felt since yesterday: 

in order of strongest feelings so far;

• more thinking makes me think i really don’t want the stress of being a parent. i still want freedom like he does. i still feel i want chances to do things i want  i would rather have a miscarriage (hate to say that) and let it pass naturally and not by force with medication. but if it lives full term i’d have to deal with it and i would with much love for it. there’s a small possibility even after seeing a good ultrasound that i’d get scared and take the pills. 

updates on the issue

today i finally ate a bit more cuz i haven’t been the past few days. i haven’t had much of an appetite but this morning i ate some wheat whole grain bread toasted and i dipped it in gravy lol. i fell asleep til like 5pm. i had a dream i was holding my breath under water with this girl and went for air and in real life i gagged as if i almost threw up. weird. my brother came in and asked me if i wanted lunch or if he could grab me anything can it i did not feel good like eating and i was tired af. for dinner i ate a tuna sandwich on that same bread with clam chowder. followed by artichoke hearts and some sour gummy bears.  so i ate a lot better today in terms of amount. i feel about the same symptom wise. as i did yesterday and day before. minus gagging in my sleep. which is super weird but might be a side effect added with the dream being underwater. 

idk if my bf read my email or not. i did say he doesn’t need to respond. if he read it he might just have taken it as that and wanting to move on. he asked me if me or my mom tried calling the clinics again and i said no. because i rather wait the 7th week to get an ultrasound. that’s when you can tell whether there is a heart beat or not. 

i won’t know until the ultrasound on the 7th week. technically i could go this week as the 6th week but they say it’s best to tell at the 7th. that’s where they can get better info on the heart beat. just going by what i read i know nothing about this. so the baby could actually be dead inside of me as we speak but i wouldn’t know cuz the miscarriage symptoms won’t show for a week or 2. also there’s a thing called a silent miscarriage. so only way to know is to get checked out. 

i am still flip flopping on what i wanna do, but i really do not want to terminate it purposely. i hate to say this, but i rather i miscarry and it be natural that it happened. instead of taking something TO terminate it. i have my beliefs about this and i feel wrong terminating something inside me with a fucking heartbeat. so maybe if im not meant to have one, i will miscarry. kinda like keep it in natures hands. but who knows, maybe i’ll get way too scared and terminate it now before i get too attached cuz i may not want to be a parent. idk it’s all so confusing and hard to figure out. it’s prob one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to figure out. i hate it so much. i rather nature take it from me than pills. i don’t wanna make that choice. but i also may not want a kid. i just don’t know cuz i flip flop around so much. i think about keeping it and taking care of something special but then i feel like i rather just be selfish and not. but again, i may have already had the MC just not the symptoms yet. 

my mom had one and told me how badly MC hurts. like you bleed a lot badly and sometimes have to go to the hospital so they can get rid of the rest of it. she said it’s painful, very much so. but i still rather that, than terminate something for no reason other than fear of bf or life completely changing. i don’t look down on those who get abortions but for me my feeling is if i’m not in a serious need to get rid of it on our purpose then i shouldn’t. but hey, i still am flip flopping my choices and maybe i will chicken out and terminate it. i hate not knowing what’s going on. so getting the ultrasound will at least give me answers. i’d be very surprised if it either isn’t dead already or if it dies within the next couple weeks. 

wrote the bf a long letter. something i couldn’t read to his face without crying so i’m putting it in an e-mail for him to read when he checks his email at work. maybe work isn’t the best time to read these serious things but i’ll prob be asleep when he reads it. 

the basics of the drama last night and the email are as follows

i love him and want to be with him forever. we’ve started a great 4 years together so far and everything has been great until we had this shit thrown our way. things took a scary turn. after we argued AGAIN tonight over our differences on the baby thing i started to get fed up. the emotional tears started to become angry tears. i finally told him i don’t need him or his lack of support. i’m choosing what i want and if i choose to not terminate the pregnancy then too fucking bad. i’ll move out with my family because i have tremendous support from them. he tried to throw his past at me raising his daughter and his ex wife who he helped raise her sons who he couldn’t stand. then brought up her OD/suicide. first of that’s fucked up to even compare my situation too. yes i’m sorry you went thru shit but this is MY situation. not your past. as stated in my past documents he does not want to go thru all the stress and financials in this time in his life. he’s done and wants to live a life a good fun freedom. i hear that. i truly do. but when i brought up my sister and her bf saying he needs to step up and deal. he got super irritate stating everyone needs to stfu cuz he HAS done those things including year long custody battle for his daughter. i get it bro. you had shit and dealt with shit but i know how much he loves his kid that i can’t understand him in what he’s saying. i get the grown past the dad phase but when shit happens you deal with it. there’s always ways. and i want him to stop comparing me to his past life. i’m not these people. i’m me. 

sooo i’ve been saying how i don’t wanna cause him stress so i feel hopeless in my decision making but today that’s going to fucking change. i don’t know what i’m going to choose to do. whether i have a miscarriage (which is a sad reality and huge likelihood for women with pcos), whether i choose to take the abortion pills and terminate the pregnancy. or whether i go through with the pregnancy and give it up for adoption (even tho my mom said no way she’ll take it in) or of i just keep the baby. it’s MY choice. it’s MY body and i will do what i feel is right for MY life. nobody else’s. not even the love of my life. this is my fucking choice. i said in the letter that if this is something he feels he can’t work with then i’m sorry he feels that way. i’ll move out and live with my family. my dads coming down to meet with my mom to finally help her get out of this house. she’s been dealing with my crying and stress daily and she wants me to have a place to come to when i need to get away from stress. so if i need to i’ll live with them. do i want that? NO. i wish that he’d be supportive of ANY of the decisions i choose but unfortunately i cannot change his mind nor will i anymore put forth effort to. i’m done. i’m done crying angry tears. i’m done being arguing with him over this. the only person who is in charge over this baby is ME. so if he can’t deal with that then i’m sorry. it’ll crush me but if he loves me enough to look past it which i believe he will. then we’ll deal with it together even tho it sucks. he’ll maybe i won’t even end up having it. and if i do maybe it will be a huge mistake and i regret it. but i’ll make it work one way or another and deal with it because that’s what i will do to survive. i am done with the drama. i want happiness even in the hardest of times. shit got thrown our way. too bad that’s fucking life. he needs to get over it and deal with this bc he loves me and will do anything with me thru thick and thin. i hope he comes around if i choose to go the route he doesn’t want. i’m emotionally drained. i’m tired. i’m sick of worrying and walking on eggshells trying to talk to him about how i’m feeling and my symptoms etc i’m tired of it. i never want him to resent me or the baby. i never want him to feel i ruined his life by my choice but if that’s how he’s gonna take it then i’m sorry that’s not my problem. i can move out and start a new chapter if i ever had to. i don’t want that but this is all on him now whether he wants to deal with it or not. i’m not gonna cry and try and get him to see it my way anymore. that ends today. 

broken heart. sad soul. feeling helpless and alone. argue argue cry sob cry. but watching Terri Joe on Tiktok is helping me feel better. comedy helps 

i’m scared

tl;dr draft post synopsis of last night: arguments between us over this were bad. i am grateful for my family support at least. went for a long hour drive alone last night and cried. i needed to be alone. i didn’t eat dinner i just cried all night and didn’t sleep. insomnia is bad and i take hard couple hour naps during the day. some of my symptoms aren’t as severe anymore and that’s scary. i have pain every so often like period cramps that come and go for a couple mins at a time but go away. i’m worried it means i’m about to miscarry but reading i’m stretching inside to make room for a bean. i have family love and support but what hurts my soul is my bf isn’t acting the same way about this. reading on what to do when you think you want to keep your baby but your partner absolutely doesn’t. trying to make an appt at the women’s clinic to see what they say and advise along with ultrasound to see where i am at and if it’s even going to be successful . i’m worried i’ll make the wrong decision in which will either crush my soul for possibly ever or be wrong because maybe my bfs right. what do i do. i’m feeling alone even with half support. 

idk what to do

what do you do when your significant other does not want to keep a child but you do? everyone in my family is telling me to do what’s right for me and fuck other people’s opinions. but what if you care so much about the other and don’t want them miserable if you choose the opposite of what they want. having conversations with my bf about this has been going sour all night long. i told him that i don’t feel like i can terminate the pregnancy. i don’t want to and i don’t want to make that call. he told me straight up he does not want to do the dad thing again. so where do we go from here? i’m so lost and depressed. i know my emotions are going all over the place right now from the hormones but he asked me how is it fair for him to have to be a parent again when he does not want that. i asked well what the fuck about me? i have to go thru with the termination. he doesn’t seem to care as much as he should that this is something he’s involved in and caused. he needs to let me choose and deal with this. i understand his side whole heartedly. that’s why this is so hard for me and making me so sad and uncomfortable. if he was cool and said i should do what i want and he’d support it either way i’d be in a lot better shape with my decision. i’m heartbroken. i’m like ya know what then i’ll sacrifice so you can have a stress free, carefree fun life and i’ll just be crushed. i feel like terminating this pregnancy is going to destroy my soul. i hate kids and made fun of the people that couldn’t hang out longer and party… until it happened to me. until it happens to YOU. it changes your stance. he will never understand that because he’s a guy. he doesn’t understand the emotions and the attachment. i’m not that pregnant and it’s still a tiny little bean but that doesn’t stop my attachment to it and to what it could be if ot reaches full term successfully. it’s going to crush my soul if i purposefully terminate it. always wondering what it could have been. but he’s not seeing eye ti eye with me and i don’t think he will. 

my sister and i drove around today and talked and she’s on board with me and what i feel is right in my heart. after tonight when our conversation turned heated i left. i went for a drive for maybe an hour just driving and crying. he texted me telling me to come home and said that we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves until i go to the woman’s facility to get checked out and ultrasound. i didn’t want to come home. i wanted to stay alone. i came home but sat in my car for a long time in silence until my brother came out and sat with me in the car. we talked. my brother is the smartest, most logical person i know and told me that my bf will get over it. it’s my body and my decision and if he can’t get over it then we’ll all move away as a family. my family will be there no matter what. i explained how much i love my bf. we’re great and everything for 4 years now but this big situation has been causing lots of arguing the past couple days. so i couldn’t move away and i wouldn’t be happy without him. but he’s making me feel awful like i can’t even feel the tiniest bit of joy that i actually fell pregnant when it was nearly impossible. it’s a sign right? you’d absolutely think it was a miracle. i sure do. i don’t wanna lose this baby on purpose and never have this chance again. 

he says he’s done the dad thing. well good for you. i haven’t. so i’ll just never get to experience a greater purpose in life that isn’t selfish? having a baby changes you for LIFE. a life i don’t have. so i rot away in the bedroom daily and on weekends we party? then what? back to him going to work. i’ll most likely never have a job that’s stable. because i never had to. but sometimes it takes big change to push you to better yourself as a person and have purpose. i feel like this is my chance. he’s like well you can do that other ways, a baby isn’t the answer. but it is for me. it’s a big push that i need to change my

life. i’ll never do it otherwise and i don’t understand why he doesn’t get that when he knows me. so i terminate the pregnancy then what? back to square one. no life. no change. 

he told me that my family is living in a fantasy. that we aren’t thinking how expensive and stressful having a child is. that hurt. my mom has 3 kids she obviously fucking knows that. i hear him and i hear what he’s saying about finances and stress. but my family and i will not let that fail. i have support and not everyone can say that. if any guy reads this you may be on his side cuz you’re not a woman. facts. the pain i’m going to feel and the regret and self hate im going to feel that i took those abortion pills are going to eat me up and my family knows that too. i can’t bring myself to taking those pills. i feel like i can’t. i’m going to regret it and it’s what i feel in my heart. and what’s fucked is that he told me he doesn’t even get to see his own daughter cuz she doesn’t like florida. i said well you’ll have this one. and his answer was no i wanna see my daughter. sooo as in the baby we made doesn’t matter? idk if he realizes what he said but that hurt my heart. i love him so much and people all around me are telling me he’ll get over it and to do what’s right for me. but he’s making me wanna take the pill to make him happy while i emotionally suffer. he wants to claim unfairness to him cuz he doesn’t want this future for us but it’s absolutely unfair to me and i guess that’s not a sacrifice he’s willing to make. i keep trying to tell myself i’m not very many weeks. i can’t calculate accurately cuz i don’t understand it but i’m  6 weeks. depending on which calculation you take. so i keep telling myself i’m not terminating anything. but it’s the thought of waiting a few more weeks to see it become more is what hurts. i’ll never have this chance again and it’s hurting my heart. idk what to do. 

me and my mom called the woman’s clinic and they said they’d call back asap and schedule an appt to get an ultrasound, test and give me options ie) abortion pill, adoption etc. maybe the baby wouldn’t even continue past this due to my PCOS but to not give it a chance feels so wrong. i’m so hurt and i haven’t been THIS hurt and confused since i went thru a traumatic experience in my 20s. this is on par and it sucks man. it sucks. 

emotional roller coaster

felt depressed and super anxious all day. i started to feel my first bit of nausea tonight. i went to the store to find something to eat that wouldn’t cause me to gag. walking by the meat section was absolutely a no for me. i got some frozen eggplant dinner. got back, didn’t eat right away and watched the movie called Tin & Tina. turned it off pretty much immediately when the first scenes were the pregnant bride who lost twins from a miscarriage. it was graphic and my bf said “yeaaaa let’s not watch this.” so we put on Hanna instead. i started feeling super anxious and panicked. then nausea hit me and i felt like gagging. so went to the gas station to get me ginger ale to help. i sat in the car waiting for him to come back with it and i just broke down. i started to just cry my eyes out. he held my hand and i cried saying i just don’t know what to do. went home and talked about it a little. he still doesn’t think we’re ready for a baby for the reasons i already knew. i told him my feelings and what if it’s suppose to happen. something to force me to grow up in a sense. i’m older now but still immature in many ways. i was saying how this could be a new chapter in life that will help me grow as a true adult with real responsibilities. something i’ve never had. he still isn’t keen on it but said we’ll get thru it. 

my brother gave me good advice and said i can go to those planned parenthood places and talk to someone. he said don’t go in looking to get the pill but go there with opened mind and talk to the professionals who deal with this daily. see what they say and what they may recommend but it is ultimately up to me if i choose to go the abortion route. it just feels wrong. i hear everyone’s sides. women with pcos are at a much higher risk of miscarriages than women without it. so he’s also concerned for my mental health because a miscarriage will likely destroy me. but i’m also on the fence of letting it happen naturally if it does as oppose to me having the make that call. i absolutely don’t want to make a choice. i’m terrified man. i really really am and this is a big deal. the hardest thing i ever had to face in my life. i’m unsure, i flip flop between wanting to keep it and not wanting to. i’m so lost. my family is so supportive in this time. my bf is as well but he is trying to get me to see he doesn’t think we’re emotionally at that stage in the part of our life. he said down the road maybe we can change that but my fear is i won’t ever fall pregnant again if i wanted to down the line. the fact it even happened without fertility treatment is a miracle and i’d hate to lose that. i’m just so full of up’s and downs and confusion. so i guess my first step is to do what my brother suggested and go talk to someone before i make any major decisions. but miscarrying is terrifying and happens in 10 weeks or less for women like me. i’m 6 weeks pregnant by calculating. 

pregnant

i never thought this would happen to me. having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome i thought i’d never get pregnant without some sort of fertility treatment. i was wrong. after have been eating better and keeping my sugar levels down i saw an improvement in my menstrual cycle. i got it every end of the month but it still didn’t cross my mind pregnancy for me would even be a thing. my period was 10 days late as of yesterday and my sister and i joked and said that every time we take pregnancy tests after a missed period, it comes out flat out negative and then bam… next day period comes without fail. so i took the pregnancy test left over from my sister months ago thinking i’d jinx my period into coming. i thought it would be any day. i was bloated and my boobs hurt… looking back they hurt a little longer than normal. so i take the test and see the bright blue vertical line show with the faint horizontal making a plus sign. plain blue horizontal line indicates negative. so i’m thinking uhhh that’s weird but ignored it, showered and looked at it again when i got out. i took a pic of it and sent it to my sister saying i got scared what’s this mean. she said it’s probably nothing. her and my mom were out that day and they were looking up false positives. telling me it’s probably nothing but said they’d get me a digital pregnancy test in case. my boyfriend comes home from his hair cut appointment and i hid the test. but quickly. told him i was worried about something and i can’t hide my nerves so i showed him the test and i can see his anxiety rise. he was worried and kept asking me when my mom and sister would be back with the test so we can rest again. he was as anxious as me if not more. we had tix to see Spiderman but he said if it’s positive he doesn’t wanna go and wants to cancel the tix cuz he’d just be dwelling the whole movie. so my brother was showering and we had 10 mins to cancel. so i went outside to pee on the pregnancy test stick lol i stood there watching the digital load buttons waiting thinking no way it’s prob false and the other test was old and unreliable. Pregnant. it said pregnant and i was in shock. i told my bf who was waiting for the answer in the porch and he sighed and said okay. i walked into the room and held the stick up and said it’s positive. my mom laughed and said no way. she put her glasses on and read it. have it to my sister and she read it. they were shocked. my mom seems kinda happy surprised cuz HOW? like my sister said i should have been pregnant years ago in my past with how careless i was being i thought i couldn’t ever fall pregnant. i guess after eating better, taking my medication and doing correct lifestyle changes caused it to happen. women with PCOS usually need dr help to conceive. we cancelled the tix obv. i was shaking uncontrollably and cried on and off. 

i cannot financially afford a child. our living situation with my family living with us and others in the house is not ideal for a situation like this. my mom and bf both were looking up planned parenthood and how to go about getting an abortion. they said i have 11 weeks to take the pills that terminate the pregnancy. it’s expensive. i don’t want to have to do any of this. my bf and family said i should do it sooner than later to lessen the depression that comes after women who get an abortion. i’m feeling the depression as we speak. i don’t want to terminate it. i don’t want that. but i just can’t financially have a baby and raise a child. i don’t work anymore. my mom still doesn’t have a house. my bf makes enough for us only and pays the bills. i don’t feel like i have a choice and it breaks my heart. i never thought i’d feel this way. i never realized what an emotional roller coaster i’d be feeling having to choose abortion. i’m scared and i’m sad. if i were financially stable i’d absolutely want to keep the baby. 

but having PCOS and falling pregnant come with its own issues. says 30%-50% are most likely to have miscarriages within the first trimester. so the likelihood of my baby even living full term is very very iffy. my mom thinks it’d be easier to have it done by the abortion pill than to have it miscarry randomly. she is afraid my emotional mental state will be a wreck. she is worried i’ll “spiral”. i’m very sensitive person and i’m already feeling dread and guilt for having to terminate my pregnancy. but they’re saying if feel worse if i have a miscarriage. according to the abortion pill info the effects are like a miscarriage it’s basically the same just done purposefully. it’s going to hurt and i’m going to bleed a lot. i’m scared man. i really am. i’m emotional and i don’t want to do this. i created a baby and that is absolutely wild to me. not even in my wildest dreams did i ever think this could happen to me. i know they don’t want me to put it off too long but having 11 weeks gives me time to process what’s going on. i feel like i’ll procrastinate this situation. i’m not ready to have a baby but i don’t want to abort it. 

my bf doesn’t want a baby right now due to finances and wanting to live life. he’s been there and done that. he has a 21 year old daughter and told me he did the dad thing and doesn’t feel the need to do it again. so his opinion is also making me feel i have to do this soon. i’m hurt i’m sad i’m happy i’m a mix of crazy emotions. i’m happy to know that it IS possible for me. before it was never a thing for me and it always kind of bothered me deep down that i didn’t have the option to have one even if i wanted one. but that all changed yesterday. 

i tried to go out and have fun with friends but when we were picked up by then in an SUV full of drunk yelling people i wanted to leave. i was having anxiety attacks and on the verge of tears. we got the Charlie’s bar and grill and i wanted to go home. i was close to calling my brother or my mom or sister to come get me. but i got better after a few drinks. i ended up telling my friend ML i was pregnant and he said i’d be a good mom. that was really nice. but i explained our living situation and what not. i shouldn’t drink alcohol for a while probably even though i am going to have to get the abortion. i’m so depressed and anxious i’m even still shaking. i just want to do the right thing. 

i’m scared man it’s a lot

 document further on this later 😢 

bad mood

tired of how repetitive my life is right now. i miss having my own space. i wish i had my own again where i can decorate for just me and have my own area. i need it and i will get it eventually and i’m not trying to say anything bad about my family living here but it’s been almost a year now. my mom said places are going down in price but it’s still a lot. i feel bad for my mom and brother too. i know they hate having to be here and want their own space too. im just sick of waking up, doing nothing then back to bed again. the most i get out during the week is going to the store to pick up dinner with my bf when he gets home or with my brother. no life living. weekends are usually full of fun but when it’s not i feel even more stuck. cabin fever kind of thing. i hate my life sometimes. i wish i wasn’t afraid to do think by myself. i want to go to the beach alone but i’m afraid that if i walk the beach i won’t remember which entrance i came from or what if i get harassed. i’m in constant state of anxiety. i can’t afford the help. i barely can afford my pcos medicines and dr visits cuz i have no health insurance. no car insurance and my tag is expired. i’m just feel stuck and unhappy. i saw this girl on tiktok talking about her fears of doing things outside alone. without her bf or her family. she was sitting there putting on makeup and explaining her difficulties in going to places such as the store alone.  i literally internally screamed ME TOO!  i get it 100% she was getting ready and said she was going to try and make herself go. next video she said sadly she didn’t go. she was too anxious to go thru with it. it made me emotional cuz i feel her. it’s hard having social anxiety and the thought of doing anything alone is terrifying. as afraid as i am i wanna try to make myself go to the beach and set up a towel and chill. but my fears always get in the way… if it’s not being harassed or taken it’s the parasites i could get in the sand. i hate how afraid i’ve become. it’s worse than ever. only time i’ve been good about it is when i’m going through a manic phase. and i end up doing stuff i’d never ever do. but that comes with it’s dangers too. 

my bf is playing music and i took the last hidden stashed gummy and my brother got me an ice cream sundae. 

i colored a bit yesterday (riveting) cuz it keeps my mind from constant dwelling. but my crayons suck and we can’t find the bags full of crayons, markers & colored pencils in this stupid house. i’m pms-ing so maybe my moodiness is from that but i am in the depression phase of bipolar 

ps i didn’t make that dr call. trying again fri

not in the mood

i’m awake too early and today i have to have a 1 on 1 facetime call with a dr to get refills on my medication. last time she must have misheard me cuz i’m supposed to take it 3x daily but on the bottle it said 1x a day. i kept wondering why i had no refills and would run out fast. anyways i hate hate hate doing this face call thing. i have bad anxiety talking over phones as it is and to have to see me looking how i do most days of the week nah. last time i did the camera cover trick my sister and mom told me works. you take a wet piece of paper or tp and it sticks on the camera lense of the phone. so to the receiver they see blur. i hate lying about it but last time i just said i messed my phone camera up and she said she was sorry and just went on with the call. i just dwell on these phone dr appts. weirdly enough i’d prefer to talk in person. ughhh

i think i’m seeing Spiderman on Saturday with my bf and family. he also told me we could go to dinner Friday night and get whatever. like Indian or Vietnamese food. Sunday he might get out of work early to see his work friend’s band play. 

i think one of my friends that backed out of the NOFX show is actually going to end up going. so we can ride with him which would be better since i'm not sure what’s going on with my car insurance/tag ordeal. we’re gonna try to talk him into going to this beer fest where Taking Back Sunday is playing the day before. now THAT I’m into. also noticed they’re gaining traction on TikTok randomly. their song is constantly being used now. anyway that’d be soooo dope. i like NOFX but not at much as my bf. TBS more my speed ^-^*

while i'm still awake early some movies i watched lately

We Need To Talk About Kevin - people said they felt uncomfortable by that movie and that it stuck with them but it didn’t leave me with any of those feelings. it’s messed up though but i doubt it’ll stick with me where i randomly get uncomfortable thinking about it like a lot of people are saying. i also heard the older teen Kevin actor is a bad person in real life. i googled him and yea he’s a shitty person. when people said in the movie he was playing himself, i can see that. 

Don’t Tell A Soul was good. i liked that one. i watched it alone then watched it with my bf again. he likes Rainn Wilson so i figured he’d watch that and pay attention lol. it’s a pretty twisty movie being it has more than 1 and 2 twists to it. 

i wanna go back and sleep more but by this point i’m afraid i’ll miss that stupid dr call if i do. >.>

ugh

so like majority of our friends are selling their NOFX tix now ever since it was stated it won’t be in Tampa anymore and will be in Orlando instead. the tickets are still good and are transferable to the new venue so why cancel? the venue is closer than the one in tampa… much shorter drive. so why all the sudden are like half of my friends not wanting to go now and are selling their tix?? it’s so weird. people are so weird. so now we don’t have a ride there since one of them was our ride. annoying. especially cuz my car tag is expired still lol it’s been expired a long time cuz i can’t afford insurance but i’m going to look into getting help from someone and see if i can get the cheapest possible so i can renew my tag. the show isn’t until September. i’m mostly going cuz it’s one of my bfs fave bands and it’s his birthday weekend. i like NOFX but not this much. although it is their last tour ever cuz they’re done, which is pretty interesting. but yea my bf can’t drive his vehicle long distance without hassle and i don’t wanna take my moms car cuz it’s an SUV and i don’t feel confident driving in it. especially when my feet hardly touch the peddles cuz the seat can only go so far up. it’s just all around not comfortable for me. so it’s only my car and i don’t wanna drive that far on an expired tag. im gonna say this again why are my friends being so weird about this. everyone was soooo ready to go to this concert and ever since the location changed they’re all weird about it and aren’t going anymore. also my the other friend who was supposedly bringing all his family cancelled the airbnbs what is going on here it’s annoying cuz now my bf is bummed and harping on this and it’s stressing me to try and fix my tag when i don’t have the money. whatever idk anything 

i woke up at like 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. stayed awake on TT all night 😭 weekend was okay. we went to happy hour at Conchy Joes. we use to go every weekend. it was kinda our thing but stopped when he was dealing with work stuff. we went and i got mussels as i always do and a bowl of conch chowder that they make. we stopped by the place that sells bong stuff idk what they’re called right now but i got 20 incenses. it’s like 10 sticks for 2.50 and we had enough points to get a free 10 more. we also bought these shroom gummy things. they aren’t strong enough to make you trip but they give a good enough high. 🫠 

mr spooks big fat belly 😹

while we were at happy hour my bf texted a friend of ours who is also going to the NOFX final tour show in September and asked him if he got a hotel and if it’s possible we could stay with him and the other person that’s going. he pretty much said no because… his girlfriend doesn’t like me. the reason is… like 3 years ago when my bf and i were drunk at like 4am he told me to call/message him to see what he’s up to so i did. his gf ended up taking his phone and asking who i am and how i shouldn’t be messaging someone else’s bf and whatever else was said. i’m like i’m just his friend i have a bf wtf. so he calls me and yells at me for calling and how his gf is now pissed. ??? my bf was pissed and told him off. after that it was awkward for a while and i thought he didn’t like me anymore or wanna even be around me. we ended up hugging it out and everything was good. but he said that in text how she doesn’t like me kinda made me sad. not trying to sound like anything but honestly i get along with everyone and i don’t think i know of a person who doesn’t really like me. except maybe my bfs ex gf. always got the vibe she wasn’t a fan for whatever reason but she’s straight up a weirdo anyway, or as Paige says she’s a poser with bad bangs. anyways, i know our friends gf is unhinged and insane. especially when (before me) my bf told me she had a long conversation with him aside about how she thinks she should be with my bf and my bfs then gf should be with her bf wtf. she was being really weird and my bf and his then gf were super uncomfortable. then she acted weird when my friends were saying nice things about her and how nice she was and then she turns around and says they were talking shit??? she sounds super insecure. doesn’t want my friend having any female friends. doesn’t like any girl who makes her mad in her deluded world. she sounds horrible and i’ve never met her except her cussing me out thru fb where she blocked me from his acc. all i did was ask him to hang out cuz my bf said we should see what he’s up to. so why should i feel offended she’s just looney tunes. but i’m sensitive so 😭 now idk who we’ll be staying with for the NOFX show since J.F now canceled the AirBnBs.