and it was pretty bad, to say the least. this time I blew up and said some really, really fucked up things to my bf & about people in general. when I get like this, I want to say the most fucked up stuff I can to hurt that person. I don't truly think that way. I am not a hateful person by nature, in fact I am a very sensitive person and care a lot. but during manic episodes like these, I am down right ugly. I said how I hate everyone and want to kill people. stab them in the face to be exact. I said some really awful things about my bf's family and all around violent feelings as well as calling him derogatory names. a lot has been bottled up inside too that didn't help the blow up. things about my family and the living situation, the trailer we're borrowing full of our shit that I feel guilty we still have, the room I want that my mom is staying in temporarily... just everything. mostly selfish, and lots of stress about my family getting a place. there is absolutely no excuse to say hurtful things to people, especially people I love. I am still going through bouts of mania where it starts around my birthday and continues into the Spring. I stopped taking the anti-psychs I started a week ago. while it's only been a week, I have been feeling extreme tiredness, not getting out of bed 'til 3 30pm. I didn't explode in anger cuz of it though because it hasn't been enough time to get any progress or real change... but I am stopping it. my mom set up this appointment for me to get help. some place where they help you pay for treatment. so when they reply back, I think I go there, fill out lots of papers with questions like I've had to in the past before being evaluated. I am scared. but my mom said I need to because enough is enough. understandable. I am honestly so grateful the people in my life don't baker act me. I would not do well in a place like that.
what I don't understand though about psychiatrists and stuff is that they evaluate you, then based off what you say, suddenly you're diagnosed with whatever mental illness? like, what if I went to a psychiatrist and I answered questions based on how I feel THAT day, not always. they just say you have such and such mental problems? like that doesn't make sense. I have been diagnosed by 3 psychiatrists and they all say the same thing. but then I often questions, is it true? for a long time I resented the fact they said I was bipolar/manic. I was like "they're wrong, fuck them." and wouldn't accept it. I ended up accepting it as I got older, read more about my symptoms and read what others had to say. but my question still stands, how do they really know just by talking to you for that visit? it's weird. all I know is I do need some kind of psychiatric help. whatever it takes I guess.
today that manic episode last night drained me. I was so tired and sad. I couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to. I tried. I cleaned the bedroom and sat at my computer, but immediately shut it down and laid down in silence. tv on, muted, nothing. trying to feel positive today but it's hard. things are hard right now and new bad news just keeps coming. I thought this year was getting better, but now I am not sure.
all that being said, getting my car looked at tomorrow. oil change and stuff...
No comments:
Post a Comment