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March 19, 2023

St. Patrick’s Day

we were gonna do the golden mile from The Worlds End but Paulseidon called asking if we wanted to grab beers for St Patrick’s Day. we went to a restaurant i’ve been to like once called Castaways.
we got appetizers and beer + a  beer flight. we got jalapeΓ±o poppers, poutine & i got seared tuna. got pretty buzzed off that one drink i ordered. i think it was an IPA with 15% alcohol 😡‍πŸ’«

afterwards we stopped by the house and then went out to Meg’s house cuz she cooked a ton of food. i didn’t eat cuz i wasn’t hungry. when we walked in lots of people were there. her family, her kids and other friends of hers. i wish i was hungry cuz the food she made looked good. i was getting bored and tired honestly and just wanted to go home by this point toward the end. F.S & J.R invited us on the boat and for some bbq but i was so hungover. all because we got home and i did like 4/5 Jamo shots back to back wtf. i had a horrible headache all day long. so we stayed in bed all day and i took medicine and fell asleep. when i woke up it was gone & we went and got Arby’s. i’ve been on an anti inflammatory diet for a while now but i had to cave into my favorite fast food place just once on a recovery day. if i didn’t do those Jameson shots i’d be fine and could have partied on the boat with everyone but man i felt like shit. regret but it is what is. 

March 12, 2023

weekend rating 7/10

Friday ran lots of errands and i went to Ulta cuz it says they have MAC products. went in and they said this location doesn’t. so i talked my bf into going to the mall so i could go the the MAC store there and he said fine. they didn’t have the regular size lip color i wear daily called Please Me. she said they have it in a smaller version but they hadn’t gotten that shade in in so long. so i figure the mini versions better than nothing. i’ll have to order it online i guess from now on. we went to Kohls to look for something i can wear to the show Saturday. found nothing. Kohls can be hit or miss. i talked him into taking me to Target cuz last time i was there they had some cute shit. found a pretty ruffle pink dress i actually passed online when i was on the site looking for this dress Jeorgia Peach was wearing on Tiktok live πŸ˜‚ came across the ruffle dress and found it at target. tried 2 on one in black and the pink one. the black one would have went well with the Punk Rock Flea market/my bfs show Saturday but as he said… it’s cooler to wear the pink one cuz everyone else will be all alternative looking so i’ll stand out more and not be like everyone else lol. i also think he just wanted me to wear it cuz he said he wouldn’t have bought it if i wasn’t gonna wear it Saturday. so i said fine cuz i wanted it πŸ˜› i wish i took more photos of the dress but i was too busy with anxiety. 

Zack and my sister came over so Zack could fix my car. as stated in previous posts my car had an engine misfire. so he changed the spark plugs and the cylinder thingies. magic. it works again like normal. no more violent shaking when idle or jerking around when driving. i can drive safely and with no embarrassment on the road. my sister and i took it for a test drive and got gas. finally filled up my tank 45 bucks later. 
they left and i tiredly played a couple of video games with my bf til sleep time.

Saturday i woke up in a mood. i was still so fucking tired just like as i am writing this too. had to drive him over to the warehouse unit where he and his new band friends were gonna practice before the show that night. went back home and laid down until my bro asks if i wanna go get dunkin. so i said fine and got up and drank half a medium cold brew. i showered, fucked with my hair extensions that are TOO thin for my thick as hell hair. put part of it up so that there was less hair  needed to blend into the extensions. i need an extra 300 bucks to get the thicker ones. i made it work though after throwing a few light tantrums. i said i wanted to kill myself cuz i had to keep redoing and my bf told me i’m being dramatic πŸ’… anyways i finally get them to work but i’m panicking cuz i feel rushed and to blend i’d have to curl them or some shit which takes forever. instead i just used a wavy hair tool and it worked. i put makeup on blah blah. i wore my new pink ruffle dress with black combat boots cuz i love the contrast. we head out and i drive us there feeling tired on the way there. had a couple mixed drinks at the bar to ease my anxiety but it was still kinda there. i was bored a lot cuz my bf is like a ✨local celeb✨ and everyone knows him and stops to talk to him blah blah. i stand around looking awkward as hell usually. or i’ll go thru discord/reddit and look busy 😭 i beg him to get me this hand made pumpkin doll and he caves cuz he felt bad i was driving us and kinda just there for him really to be able to play the show. so he got me it as a prize and he didn’t want to at first cuz it was 32 bucks. but i told him it’s hand made so it doesn’t bother me in price (easy for me to say cuz i wasn’t paying πŸ˜‡). here she is. she dresses like me (minus the jacket) and her names Agatha, Children Of The Gourd 

after that i drive us over to the area he’s playing music and it was right next to a Kava bar. we ask which drink will get us an energy boost and he says Kratom drink which came in flavors i chose strawberry. energy boost you say? eNeRgY??? i felt like i smoked a bunch of weed i felt super lit but super buzzy? zoned out idk. like, i liked the feeling but not for that moment. Kratom doesn’t seem to jack me up like it does others, it makes me kinda zoned out and zzz. i follow him along feeling weird af from the Kava bar drink while he sets up his bass

this is the closest thing i have that showed my hair in the buns with the extensions…
anyways skateboarders be skating and i’m sitting on the stage drinking my ~EneRgy~. got up to pee lots and had to literally wait for skateboard traffic to cross to get to the other side. kinda dumb place to put a skate ramp cuz it was like dodging these dudes trying to get to the bathroom. bathroom looked real lit though, very cool 😎 place was actually pretty dope inside. they finally play and i’m just standing there next to Mel & Brian cuz Brian wanted to go up and sing a few Misfits songs. 
here’s the man himself the local celeb known as ✨Joe Dyer✨


anyways my bf and his little group were playing different covers of different punk bands i never listen to. it’s over yay. they were talking and passing around a joint and i took a hit which i shouldn’t cuz it just made me more lethargic. we ordered from Phatz chicken shack cuz that’s what we do when we’re in the danger zone (no affiliation to Kenny Loggins) of Ave D. we grab them and i drive us back to the house. we save the chicken and go out to the bar. some friends were there actually. we didn’t expect it. they were already drunk and i wasn’t so i felt uncomfortable. wasn’t in my social element yet. social battery was at about 30%. some girl came up to us and was asking who played Pierce The Veil and while i’d like to take credit, it wasn’t me. she was so drunk she was slurring so much. caught her in the bathroom talking to herself saying she’s over shit and tried to get me to ask about it but nah bro i was not drunk enough to hear a drunk girls drunken story. if i were at a 6 then yea i might ask but i was at a 3… we leave the bar, got in our uber and (poor dude) made him stop at 2 places 😭 he was chill about it though and i made a Worlds End reference and he said something like “great movie” i was pretty shocked to hear another person in real life say they’ve seen that movie other than me and my family. we get dropped off and i eat the shit out of those Phatz chicken wings and i’ll leave it at this



March 6, 2023

first of all the latest episode of The Last Of Us got to me. it was a really fucking good episode and the end of it 😭 my eyes watered so bad it was so nice. the fear on her face when she left the building after axing that weirdo in the face… then Joel finds her and when she realizes it’s him and that she’s safe again just killed me. he called her baby girl 😭😭😭 i know all the gals were screaming. what a nice scene thinking about it now is getting to me again. 
credit: tumblr

what a great show though. we finally got my old ps4 set up and needed to controllers so they arrive today so we can play the game. this is so funny though. my bf doesn’t look like Pedro Pascal but they both have mustaches so I could see it in passing and this made me cackle. my friend commented this:


so my car is still messed up. i got the oil change on Thursday and it’s still vibrating. zack looked at it and said it was an engine misfire. so he got new spark plugs and changed them but it’s still doing it so he did mention something about a coil idk i know zero things about cars but he does so thank God my sisters bf is into cars. otherwise i’d never get it fixed. he ordered them and when they come in he’ll change them too. i can’t wait til it’s fixed. sometime this week. 

March 1, 2023

had another episode last night

and it was pretty bad, to say the least. this time I blew up and said some really, really fucked up things to my bf & about people in general. when I get like this, I want to say the most fucked up stuff I can to hurt that person. I don't truly think that way. I am not a hateful person by nature, in fact I am a very sensitive person and care a lot. but during manic episodes like these, I am down right ugly. I said how I hate everyone and want to kill people. stab them in the face to be exact. I said some really awful things about my bf's family and all around violent feelings as well as calling him derogatory names. a lot has been bottled up inside too that didn't help the blow up. things about my family and the living situation, the trailer we're borrowing full of our shit that I feel guilty we still have, the room I want that my mom is staying in temporarily... just everything. mostly selfish, and lots of stress about my family getting a place. there is absolutely no excuse to say hurtful things to people, especially people I love. I am still going through bouts of mania where it starts around my birthday and continues into the Spring. I stopped taking the anti-psychs I started a week ago. while it's only been a week, I have been feeling extreme tiredness, not getting out of bed 'til 3 30pm. I didn't explode in anger cuz of it though because it hasn't been enough time to get any progress or real change... but I am stopping it. my mom set up this appointment for me to get help. some place where they help you pay for treatment. so when they reply back, I think I go there, fill out lots of papers with questions like I've had to in the past before being evaluated. I am scared. but my mom said I need to because enough is enough. understandable. I am honestly so grateful the people in my life don't baker act me. I would not do well in a place like that. 

what I don't understand though about psychiatrists and stuff is that they evaluate you, then based off what you say, suddenly you're diagnosed with whatever mental illness? like, what if I went to a psychiatrist and I answered questions based on how I feel THAT day, not always. they just say you have such and such mental problems? like that doesn't make sense. I have been diagnosed by 3 psychiatrists and they all say the same thing. but then I often questions, is it true? for a long time I resented the fact they said I was bipolar/manic. I was like "they're wrong, fuck them." and wouldn't accept it. I ended up accepting it as I got older, read more about my symptoms and read what others had to say. but my question still stands, how do they really know just by talking to you for that visit? it's weird. all I know is I do need some kind of psychiatric help. whatever it takes I guess.

today that manic episode last night drained me. I was so tired and sad. I couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to. I tried. I cleaned the bedroom and sat at my computer, but immediately shut it down and laid down in silence. tv on, muted, nothing. trying to feel positive today but it's hard. things are hard right now and new bad news just keeps coming. I thought this year was getting better, but now I am not sure.

all that being said, getting my car looked at tomorrow. oil change and stuff...