car issues

my brother took my car to grab us lunch, came back and said it was shaking really violently while idle. my mom and sister think it's because it needs an oil change really bad and a filter clean out or whatever. I asked my sister to ask Zack if he can come look at it and change the oil and stuff. of course he works late today and tomorrow + they're going out of town too. so I might not have a car for a bit 'til he can look at it. which sucks since we're all kinda relying on my car since my sister constantly has my mom's. anytime there is something wrong with my car I get worried because if my car ever just completely goes out, Idk when I'd ever be able to afford another one again. plus I love my car and while it has it's faults on the outside, the inside looks super new cuz I keep it clean. I was also planning to buy a new stereo cuz I want bluetooth in my car. it's a 2006 so no bluetooth in it then. I wanna upgrade that and I know Zack can do that if I buy it. stupid new phones don't have AUX ports so we have to use connectors which means I have to use one in my car and it's a hassle to remember to bring it and my bf needs his own since we both have different phone brands. so it makes swapping phones to hear music harder. I might see about going to take the car in some where to have them look but then it's way more $$. if we buy the oil, Zack can change it for us and we don't have to pay 100 some bucks to get it changed and cleaned out. it sucks and I am sad. I hope that's all it is.  i feel like this happened to me years ago...

so I am returning the adapter I bought to connect the iMac to my laptop so i can use the iMac screen but nope. doesn't work. I guess it just won't work. so I drove over yesterday to the tattoo shop (when my car wasn't acting out) to get my monitor out of my bf's vehicle and I hooked it up and it's SO nice having my monitor and laptop back together. I'll have to unplug and remove it when he wants to play music but either way it's nice using it again. apparently I have Overwatch 2 as well so I updated it. omg the internet here SUCKS it's so damn slow and the game is just unplayable. so we're gonna see about upping the internet speed this weekend because what my bf is paying now is pricey and it's slow. so my mom said there is usually deals for faster internet so in long run it'll be cheaper. then I will be able to play again. my gaming mouse/keyboard is still in storage and I am using my mom's old work ones and they suck but they'll do for now. I talked to my bf about streaming together because Twitch has a cooking category. we spend time together often by cooking together & making different dinners. so I was thinking how fun that'd be streaming a cooking session lol. I also got a new webcam because mine is in storage so I might try to stream if my anxiety is okay and my mood is good. 

we watched M3GAN (unrated version) last night which was pretty good. silly, but good. it reminded everyone of me. probably because a few years ago I had my natural long hair, same color and  I wore lots of doll-style dresses with bows. kinda miss those fashion days. I still have like a bag of 20+ something different anime/school girl style bows. 

my car issue is depressing me...

great weekend

Friday i had a really fun weekend. we went to a birthday party for F.S’s birthday at Lures. small recap i’ve had some problems with him in the past where he’s said mean, unnecessary bullshit to me. he’s someone that will just be a total dick to everyone when he’s overly intoxicated. my bf has known him since he was 15 i think. he said something rude to me a few years ago & when i told my bf he was pissed off and told F.S off. ended up ignoring his multiple calls in attempts to apologize. he ended up pulling me aside and apologizing to me. so i told him i was over it and no worries but he insisted on apologizing. fast fwd to the following year at a BBQ we had here and he said something mean to me again and something mean about my bf. his gf/fiancé now i guess fell out of friendship with J.F & his wife C.F for something so fucking stupid imo. so drama, right? well there turned out to be NO drama Friday. ^-^!* i gave F.S his birthday card & he loved it. he kept repeating how much he appreciated the card. he also apologized to me about being a dick over the years and how he’s trying to change that about himself and wants to be a better person. it was a heartfelt conversation that i nearly teared up lol. i do like him and have had really fun times with him. he’ll prob never fully change cuz he is who he is but i accept who he is and at least he recognizes  his faults. i know way deep down he’s a good person. i know it bothers him that he’s hurt people. it’s obvious if he still thinks about how he’s hurt me to this day. end recap but anyways moving on… saw lots of friends, had a few cocktails & were invited to J.R’s house where the birthday party continued but first stopped by Crawdaddy’s to see Scott B. play and see my high school friend Vanessa. we had a cocktail and caught up a but before heading to J.R’s for F.S’s birthday party continuation. had a good time and met a really nice girl. she came up to me and said she saw me at Lures and was too shy to come up to me to tell me she loved my style and makeup. 🥰 i told her i saw her too and thought hers was cute too but wasn’t confident enough to go up to her either lol. she asked me if i wanted to go to the bathroom with her so i said okay and we took pics in the bathroom. then she asked if she could take pics of me cuz she says i look like an anime character. 🥺 she asked if i could do her makeup sometime. she was so nice and when she was leaving i was like “nooo cuz i’ll be all alone”. my bf was jamming with the guys so i kind of was just there. talked to some people here and there. small talk but it wasn’t too bad. ubered back with Poseidon or Paulseidon as we call him now cuz i’m so witty 😝 all around had a great, positive, drama free experience. minus the uber driver we had that night getting to J.R’s. he was clearly on something? like he ran through a red light and i said “bro, you just ran that red light”. he was trying to say it’s whatever those roads don’t matter. uhhh?? then we asked him what is the craziest person he’s picked up and told us the lamest story ever lmao. we ended up at the house and he kept talking to us while we were stopped at the house. very weird man. 

the Lures bathroom has trippy mirrors. awkward pose but i had to get in frame. 

we swapped numbers and she texted me how it was nice meeting me and sent me some pics she took. here is one. i stickered over her face as i do with others from now on that i haven’t asked for consent to post. out of respect for their privacy i am labeling certain people by a nickname or by their initials. it just seems inconsiderate to post people without their consent. some people don’t want to be floating around publicly so trying to be cool about that from now on.

Saturday was an equally fun time. the bf and i drove around and went to the house of brews for a special beer and i think they’re called flighters? flights? idk but like small glasses and you can pick different types. we also ordered some smoked fish dip. 

afterwards i ended up driving us all around. we stopped by the beach and smoked a joint by the rocks to watch the sunset. it was so pretty and chill. especially when the bagpipes player came and started performing. we’ve seen him before at sunset over at the park. it was rad that he showed up that day while we watched the sunset. magical if you ask me

damn i wish i cropped the phone lines up there looking like a noose.

after watching the sun go down we went to Gamestop to buy The Last of Us game for ps4. i’ve watched my brother play it in the past and since we love the show so much we decided we’d start spending time together playing it during the week. after that we headed over to Oceanside Pub i think it was called. we’ve past it many times wanting to try it out and had some friends work there but never gave in and went. so we stop at Wawa so i can get an energy drink and i spilled it all down my car seat. only bad thing about that night. i guess when i was driving and trying to put it in the cup holder i couldn’t see cause it’s night time and i must have just sat it on the seat. went to pick it up to drink it and it was empty. quickly came to the realization it poured out all over and under my seat 😩 got to the the pub and met up with Paulseidon and had another one of the small glasses of different craft beers, listened to this guy Chris play live music who btw was a super nice guy. we chatted with him til closing and the waitress was so cool she let us have another beer after closing. super chill of her to do that even though she was tired. didn’t wanna over stay and i couldn’t drink anymore cuz i had to drive. we went back to Paulseidons and hung out til 3:55am. we didn’t realize the time because when you’re having fun time most definitely flies by. had great conversation and it was a really nice time. got home at like 4 something am. my bf called in and we slept in most of the day. ordered some delivery and watched The Last of Us new episode. ^-^ 

dammit, I am being sucked into the Pedro Pascal obsession helllp. the first couple episodes of The Last of Us didn't make me fall in love or anything. but i think by episode 3 and so on I started to gain a new crush and looked him up more. I've gotten roped in with heart eyes every P.P edit on Tiktok I come across. I come across lots... like nearly every swipe is a sexy P.P edit made by fans. so I come upon his interviews where he says he has seen the edits full of hearts and sparkles. lol so now he's eating it up and telling all of us he's our daddy or our "cool, slutty daddy" I'm sCrEaMinG~ then and there I was hooked lmao it's so bad I keep watching interviews and edits. all the girls love him because he apparently plays father figure roles. like in the Mandalorian which I don't watch. there were certain lines in TLOU where I was like trying to keep it together lmao when he was being stern with Ellie... I was like, if she were me, omg 😛 ok gotta stop thinking about Pedro Pascal until I see him again on my FYP 

I got my gaming chair our of the trailer. we still are borrowing from my bf's friend. I feel bad we still have that thing but my family still doesn't have a house. my mom mentioned using her tax money to help. cuz we really need to give that guy his trailer back. I feel bad. he hasn't asked for it back but still it's rude to overuse it feels. anyways so I brought the chair in our room so I can have a desk set up. keys are coming off my laptop keyboard, so I wish I could use my own monitors but there's no room. I might be able to use my bf's Mac computer and plug in my laptop so I can use the Mac as a screen but I need a specific connector. I wish I could play games but I don't have any of my stuff. keyboard, mouse, mic, speakers, cam - all in storage.

my sister moved into an apartment with her work friends. I still need to go over there so she can give the tour. so whenever my mom gets a place now that housing prices have actually gone down a bit it should be easier now. since my sister now has her own apartment with her roommates, my mom really just needs a 2 bedroom instead of 3-4. so that in itself should help find a cheaper place. so when that happens, I am going to turn that room she's staying in into my little hang out room. my computer set up and all of my collectibles. I want to get a couch too and put it in there. LED lights kinda like how T-Mobile has them. it will be cool. I can't wait 'til I can have that room for myself and have all my stuff back it's been almost a year 😭

thinking about when a good time to make another hair appt is. my sister thinks 1 - 2  more months... but I am thinking maybe 1 month, then I will go back and get more highlights. the more I go back the lighter it'll get. 

might start taking this mood stabilizer for my Bipolar disorder. I haven't been on psych meds like that in a long time. most I have been on was antidepressants which I feel make my mania worse. i'm afraid of them because anti-psychs cause weight gain in most. like when I was getting Lithium injections in my early 20's I gained weight AND my hair was falling out. didn't recover from the side effects for a year after quitting Lithium cold turkey. it fucked me up and made me more psychotic/violent which looking back now idgaf it was warranted. but this particular kind causes most people weight loss or no changes at all in weight. so I might give it another shot. I need to be on them I just hate them. 

rant time

This bothers me so much. On Tiktok I keep seeing these videos with dogs tied up and then the person says ie) “someone left this dog tied up outside here at this gas station. Whoooo would dooo something like this??…” then every comment is eating it up, “keep it!”, “the dog looks so happy next to you now”, I'm so happy he’s with you now”. Okay idk if people are just gullible, straight up stupid or just kids. But those videos are scams. Fake fake fake af. They use these animal videos to gain views. it’s usually the persons own fucking animal and they act like someone tied it up and left it. They do this with other animals too. I saw one with 3 guinea pigs. I admit I fell for it but it crossed my mind what people do for views and I quickly realized how staged it all is. The over the top, dragged out words as if they’re actually saying it like “oh darnn, who would ever leave such a sweet animal out here all tied up? Geeee, that’s messed up”. Or they don’t say anything and they just put this sappy fake story written up on the video. The amount of comments and positive feedback the videos get too omg. I’m more annoyed by the comments.  I hope people are just naive and not flat out stupid. I just saw this one and in the description of the video it says it’s a skit. The video ended up with a million likes so the person started to milk it. Despite his past videos being of his dogs, one of which looks exactly like the tied up dog. oh and him saying it’s a skit solidifies it. so does no one notice that? or notice the identical dog he’s always had?? The one he posted in the video acting like someone tied it up and dropped it off at his house was in old videos. The comments are STILL asking if he’s keeping it and how happy they are ~the dog is with him now~. it’s so cringe I can’t take it! Omg and someone in the comments was like “call the cops” and the kid in the video replies via video “guys we’re not gonna do anything drastic”. Lmao yea cuz it’s your dog and these people eat it up. that’s just one example I saw today. I usually see it scrolling thru at least once or twice when I'm on the app. 

it’s going to my next rant… I know people are obsessed with fame but I guess I never think about that. But I'm noticing it a ton on Tiktok. The only live I watch regularly is Kelon. so when I watch him playing his characters and stuff a lot of the times when he pairs up with another person that person is like yelling to their crowd begging for likes and gifts. “let’s go let’s go like the live and send roses send gifts. let’s gooo let’s goooo” like that’s their entire presence on live/tiktok. Kelon will try and start the conversation up and sometimes the people just ignore his attempts. Usually that’s when he ends chat with that person. it’s like these people are just bots. Programmed to repeat and do the same things. I see grown ass people begging for likes and more points to beat the opponent in a battle. No conversation with the person they’re battling or just live chatting with. They straight up ignore the other person and just beg. it’s super awkward to watch. Pathetic? I think so. i think that’s the word I'm looking for. To each their own and all. Do what you wanna do… but kind of makes me think those people have no personality. they’re just mindless.  Too obsessed with fame that hardly lasts a week. Most viral videos only go viral for that one video. that’s why you see that one viral video and on their page you see them making more and more of the same videos hoping it becomes a thing. Spoiler alert, it rarely does. I just thinks it’s weird and especially when they are middle aged people begging for likes. that’d be like my my bf or mom  sitting on Tiktok lives begging for people to “tap the like and send send send virtual gifts”. just trying to picture that i can’t lmao it’s so fucking lame.  

I use to care about likes and views too, but as I got older I just started caring less and less. its just sad we have these devices to communicate with one another but people like on Tiktok lives will pair with another human being and have no communication. they’re both sitting on a screen with each other , essentially a face time call and they’re ignoring each other. Not talking. No “where are you from? How is your day going?” just both sides yelling to their audience to like like like and send gifts. it’s sad and it reminds me of a Wall•E. with all the obese people on their moving chairs, eating snacks and watching a screen. They don’t ever acknowledge the person in front of them or behind them. they don’t even realize they’re there. Sometimes I step back and realize I’m so fucking wrapped up in my own world/mind I forget the good things I have in front of me. For example my experience being that when my bf comes home from work I’m usually not nice, don’t wanna talk, don’t wanna answer questions all because something is bothering me inside about something and I get anxious and stressed about it which then ruins my mood and entire day. but then sometimes I’ll kinda snap out of it and realize I can probably change this mood. to try to do that I think about love. As gay as that might sound, if I just think about love and how much my bf loves me and everything he does for me I will force a change in my mood and once I’m out of that mood I change into a happier mood and realize how I need to make this a habit. I think my attitude and stressed mindset are often times bad habits. I know I have depression and it causes my cynical thinking but there are sometimes where I’m just straight up being moody for no reason because of the bad habit of thinking too much. I know I’ll never be able to change that 100%  because it’s who I am, but when I do notice, I wanna try to change the negative into a positive by realizing I have a good life. I have a loving family I’m very close with and a loving boyfriend who would do anything for me and my family. it’s the most important thing in life to me. 

my brother drove to Louisiana for his friends funeral. that’s a 12 hour drive there and back. his friend’s friend let him stay over his house and they all went to a gathering for his friend which i thought was super nice. 

my bf woke me up with a Valentine card and candy and he got me a dunkin coffee. we went to get Indian food for dinner which is my fave food. i’d never get tired of eating curry dishes. we watched The Last Of Us latest episode. 

my bf got the new galaxy S23 and i’m so happy for him. he’s never had a nice phone he always had the cheap ones. i told him he gotta stop being cheap about it and just do it. if he can afford it perfectly fine do it. so he was able to trade in my brothers old phone and get it for 400.00 off his new phone bill. i would have been able to trade mine too if i didn’t go crazy and smash my old one on the ground. luckily we had that other phone deal and we got 2 phones for free. anyways i’m happy for him he finally had something nice for himself. ☺️

rip Cajun

my brothers best friend died in a motorcycle accident. i was shocked because they’ve been gamer friends for 13 years. he has talked about this friend since we lived in downtown. makes me so sad because they were very close and his friend almost feels part of the family because my brother talked about him so often. he’d give us updates and stuff on what he’d been up to. when he joined the army and was flying jets… breaks my heart because my brother is very quiet about feelings and emotions. he keeps to himself in that aspect. he’s also a very sensitive soul. he may be 6’5 but he’s a sensitive guy. he told my mom but didn’t say anything last night about it. my mom told my sister this morning who then told me. i feel so fucking bad and idk how to… idk what to do. i’m just going to act normal and if he feels like sharing or talking about it then i’m here. :( sucks so bad. it’s very shocking news. i know how it feels to lose a best friend. my high school best friend Brad i lost a couple years ago, my bf lost his high school best friend Rob as well. it’s not an easy feeling to deal with and i can only hope he can emotionally heal from this sooner than later. :*[

jfc

there's this girl I've followed for years online because I feel we have a lot in common. our love for Harley Quinn and some of her traits of mental illness. I see a lot of her in myself with certain mental problems. so  I haven't checked Twitter in a bit so when I did, her posts came into my feed and said she was assaulted. badly beaten. her jaw has to be wired shut or a couple of months, her teeth are broken and she has bad bruising all over her face and neck. I was in shock when I saw that! apparently this man was following her down the street and she kept telling him to leave her alone. I think from what she was saying she rejected him and told him no and he proceeded to follow her and then beat her on and off for 15-20 mins. it hurt my heart to hear about this and see her in that condition. that's absolutely fucked up. some losers on her posts were commenting and saying things like "should have told him no and to stop"... and she is 100% correct in this that a lot of times when you say no, men don't take that as an option. it only infuriates them and causes them to get completely violent. some men are literal piece of garbage. losers all the way. bad people. I am sorry she had to go through with that shit. I think she said the police identified him and he was arrested and that she'll be taking him to court to press charges. I am thinking about reaching out to her through Facebook. I have exchanged a tiny message with her years ago via IG DM when I told her that my father lived like 15 mins from her town and that we should hang out. she agreed we totally should at the time. but I do not really speak to my father anymore for personal reasons nor will I ever visit him again. so yea, I think I may reach out to her even though I am sure she has tons of messages to sift through. just feels weird not saying something when I feel awful for what happened. I hope she gets that dude put away for a long time and gets her compensation she deserves for this shit he put her through physically and mentally. my heart breaks for her even though she claims she's strong and has gone through bad shit all her life. doesn't matter, that takes a toll on the mind and no good person deserves that, especially from a piece of shit who got mad cuz he was rejected. positive healing vibes sending her way.

stupid post but

so i know that dress thing is old news… the one where some people see it as white/gold or black/blue. i was scrolling through my subscriptions on youtube and came upon Shane Dawsons post about the dress that he was discussing on his podcast. so i asked my bf what he saw & he said he saw black/blue, but i saw white/gold. i even asked my friend and he said black/blue just like my bf. so i go to sleep, wake up this morning from texts from my sister cuz i sent it to her too and asked lol. she saw white/gold btw. but when i saw it this morning, it was black/blue. wtf, my brain saw it different. then i was scrolling through youtube subscriptions again and it was white/gold again within mins. i asked my bf if it changed for him and he said it did and was white/gold for him. wtf. hours later and i’m watching youtube videos and working on my blog, i decide to check it one last time and it’s back to black/blue again. so strange how it’s changing… how my brains is seeing it difference each time. lol 

unnecessary night

this weekend didn’t go as planned. at first it was good but eventually i preferred to it to have gone as planned. we were suppose to go out to lunch, run some errands and go get some stuff i wanted and find out what we’d do Friday night. so we are at my fave restaurant Crawdaddy’s for lunch since lunch/happy hour has cheaper food. it was so packed and we wanted to eat on the patio but it was packed. so we decided to sit inside til the patio was cleared but we sat and sat. finally my bf got up to ask and apparently the patio was still packed so we just said fuck it well stay inside. it took a long time to get everything but it was good. we got fish dip, garlic mussels and meatballs lol weird combo actually but it was good af. in the midst of us eating our friend Poseidon calls us up asking if we wanna go on the boat. i had a full face of makeup on, platforms, fishnets and the whole 9. i was not dressed for boating. i was annoyed my bf agreed to it because i didn’t plan this out. i’m such a planner like everything is planned and rehearsed in my head. if it goes off track, i start worrying and i mean worrying about everything. our friend Poseidon is literally the opposite of that. example: we’ll be drunk and out of no where at like 4am he’ll be like “let’s go to Vegas! we can get an early morning flight!” like he’s super in the moment and will just go do. whereas i am such a worried planning mess. i wish i was more like him sometimes. anyways… we went in the boat i just took off my fishnets, changed shoes and put my hair up. we get on the boat and then we notice huge storm clouds of course

we booked it on the boat and head to a restaurant to get away from the storm and we made it perfectly. we went to Hurricanes funny enough and i ordered an appetizer and a drink. on the way back the train bridge was down so we had to wait til we could head underneath it. i had to pee so bad at that point i just went in a cup and dumped it out into the river 😅 i ended up having fun despite my complaints and worries. that’s what’s fun about P is we always have a great time. he has such a good energy surrounding him. once back home i was waiting on them to figure out what we were going to do that night but they kept talking and talking. finally P leaves and me and my bf decide to meet another friend out, old B. so this is where i started to not enjoy the night…