Looks like my yearly manic phase is back in session. Always around the new year into spring. Bipolar mania is a cycle so that makes sense. Idk why it never clicks.
Last night went bad. We went out to see some bands play at Terra. I had beer since they don't serve liquor. Just 2 maybe 3 beers. I had gotten mad at my bf for going off and leaving me sitting there while he went to chat with some people. I got up and walked out of the venue alone. Walked far off and sat on the curb in the dark alone. Which is stupid because I am a girl alone around a place like that. I was sitting on the curb and texting him saying I had been kidnapped. Why? Idk. My mania never makes any sense to me. I sat there thinking of horrible things to say to him in the midst of taking pics of myself. I didn't care about kidnappers, rapists or murderers. No cares what happens to me. I just was angry. So my bf didn't know where I was (he didn't even take me seriously with my kidnapping story lol) but I ended up back at the place and we got an Uber. I hardly remember the Uber. We went to the bar and things really got bad. I don't remember any of this, so this is coming from my bf. He told me that I dropped my phone and it had cracked the screen. I got mad and slammed my phone on the bar multiple times and he was like, we gotta go... I was making a scene. We go outside and wait for the next Uber and I just slam my phone onto the concrete. Busting the phone further with cracks and a white line is on the bottom of my led screen now. Slowly it's progressing. It now has a black line on top of the white line. I cried and I talked to my mom about it when I got home. I was sobbing about my phone and telling her about the night. Then afterwards I just punch my bf in the dick. For absolutely no reason. I was awoken today by my bf and he told me all the horrible stuff I had done last night. I have no recollection of any of that. He explained that at the bar I was talking normal like how I always am so he didn't think anything of me acting out. At the bar I was going off about 2 friends of ours and saying how they have ruined things??? Idk. He said it was weird that I was normal sounding but not. I can't explain it.
When I get manic while drinking alcohol it amplifies my alcohol level. Like I drank normal like I always do but I was so fucked up I don't remember. Like I become someone else
A completely different person. I've done so many things in my life that I'd never do while in a manic state. I never know I'm manic while it's happening. It's after a come down I realize it and I'm embarrassed and hate myself.
I do dangerous stuff because I feel invincible when in that mental state. Like nothing can hurt me and I do risky shit. I've met strangers off the internet and had one night stands in my past during times of mania. Things I'd never ever do ordinarily. I never do things alone without my mom or my bf or sister. Someone in my family has to go with me to even just going to get gas. Like my social anxiety is bad and I'm super dependent on others. So for me to go off on my own, meet people, have strange sexual encounters, not caring if I get killed or hurt. It's fucked up. But only ever occurrs around this time of year. I go thru this every year and like I said it'll last up into spring time.
I'm embarrassed. I'm disgusted with myself and I hate myself after I'm off that manic high. What really bothers me is how I treat those I care for. We were suppose to meet up with friends this morning and night for my birthday celebration but he didn't want to after last night. He said he's emotionally hurt and the vibes are off and he can't pretend everything's cool. He said he's not mad at me and he understands it's mania and not me. But he's still hurt. Physically and mentally. I am not. Absolutely not using this as an excuse. But it is mental illness and I need to treat this. I need help. I can't afford it right now but I need to put forth the effort to try and get help. I recognize that I am mentally ill and I need to get that in check because I can't do this. Like I can't go thru this every year for months where I am putting myself at risk and in danger. I can't put others at risk of being hurt by me either.
Drinking during mania... I'm gonna need to take it easy on that. Cuz if I get upset by the slightest of things it triggers my angry side of it and the alcohol amplifies that. So I'm gonna be chilling on the partying. He said next weekend we can try the birthday get together but we need a mental health day. So we're here in bed taking it easy. I'm just sorry and I wish I could rewind time but I don't think that'd even matter. It was going to happen. My phone is fucked and I need a new one. I wanted to get a new one anyways, but I don't have enough money right now to put down on a new one just yet. I just hope the progress of the screen damage is slow. It's taking over the screen inside slowly. This happened to my old one before. I can use it right now but soon I won't be able to at all. Sucks
I do dangerous stuff because I feel invincible when in that mental state. Like nothing can hurt me and I do risky shit. I've met strangers off the internet and had one night stands in my past during times of mania. Things I'd never ever do ordinarily. I never do things alone without my mom or my bf or sister. Someone in my family has to go with me to even just going to get gas. Like my social anxiety is bad and I'm super dependent on others. So for me to go off on my own, meet people, have strange sexual encounters, not caring if I get killed or hurt. It's fucked up. But only ever occurrs around this time of year. I go thru this every year and like I said it'll last up into spring time.
I'm embarrassed. I'm disgusted with myself and I hate myself after I'm off that manic high. What really bothers me is how I treat those I care for. We were suppose to meet up with friends this morning and night for my birthday celebration but he didn't want to after last night. He said he's emotionally hurt and the vibes are off and he can't pretend everything's cool. He said he's not mad at me and he understands it's mania and not me. But he's still hurt. Physically and mentally. I am not. Absolutely not using this as an excuse. But it is mental illness and I need to treat this. I need help. I can't afford it right now but I need to put forth the effort to try and get help. I recognize that I am mentally ill and I need to get that in check because I can't do this. Like I can't go thru this every year for months where I am putting myself at risk and in danger. I can't put others at risk of being hurt by me either.
Drinking during mania... I'm gonna need to take it easy on that. Cuz if I get upset by the slightest of things it triggers my angry side of it and the alcohol amplifies that. So I'm gonna be chilling on the partying. He said next weekend we can try the birthday get together but we need a mental health day. So we're here in bed taking it easy. I'm just sorry and I wish I could rewind time but I don't think that'd even matter. It was going to happen. My phone is fucked and I need a new one. I wanted to get a new one anyways, but I don't have enough money right now to put down on a new one just yet. I just hope the progress of the screen damage is slow. It's taking over the screen inside slowly. This happened to my old one before. I can use it right now but soon I won't be able to at all. Sucks
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