good wkend

we chilled at home on Friday then Saturday we went to a memorial thing for someone my bf knew. it wasn’t a sad one but like a celebration of life. music, food and drinks. i tried out my hair extensions hoping they’d match well and the color looks like it does. since i brought in the actual extensions to the stylist she was able to match up the color on me. i had to curl them since they look obvious otherwise because i didn’t get enough grams. my hair is thick so i need super thick extensions. can’t afford anymore right now so i try to make do. after that we went over to Phatz chicken and got chicken wings. i had an extended release adderall so i wasn’t hungry at all. i wish i was cuz i love that place. only time we get it is if we’re in Ft P. i ate like 3 😔 after we got back we went back out to meet an old friend for drinks. we just binged watched Castle Rock season 1 again Sunday. forgot just how good that is. first of all Bill Skarsgard umm 😍 i literally watch anything that man’s in. apparently he’s going to be playing Nosferatu. he’s perfect for that cuz he’s so tall and lanky. like he kinda lumbers when he walks and he’s super good at being creepy 🥰 

so i was going to give my bf my brothers old phone. since my family all got new phones, mines shattered and my moms sucks, my brother said he can have his. so we took it to t-mobile and they said it needs to be unlocked. first of all, once the phones paid off it should be unlocked. it wasn’t, even tho chat support said it was unlocked. so we had the phone company that sold us the phone send us an unlock code for it. they sent in a ticket request but since it shows it’s unlocked (it’s not) they just didn’t do anything about it i think. so my mom went to the store physically and explained, so they sent in another ticket request and escalated it. explaining the fact it says unlocked when it really isn’t. they said it’s some error on the system. so now we’re waiting for the email with the code to unlock this damn phone. my bf keeps being sad about it cuz he was excited about getting a better/newer device so it’s making me sad he is sad. a sad cycle lol. i hope this works out. 

hair  ^-^

best bday in a while

been a good bday this year. let’s see, bf took me out to my fave restaurant and i ordered the jambalaya pasta. got a guinea pig so my other guinea pig can be happy with a friend again. i got a Lyle Lyle Crocodile stuffed animal and a badass ring light for phone pics. it has a ton of settings and colors, gets super tall and has dimmers. i got my hair done last Thursday and it’s still blonde and not too dark like i was afraid of. my extensions aren’t working well but i’ll figure something out. i think i didn’t get enough grams so my hairs too thick and it looks obvious. i might tone them one more time and curl them so they look fuller. i got a new phone yesterday. i got iphone 14 plus. i wanted the pro max but my mom and brother wouldn’t have been able to get new phones otherwise. we walked out of there with 3 phones and paid like 148.00. basically my phone and brothers phones were free because we switched over from another company. my mom wanted the newest samsung which put us right under the t-mobile deal we were wanting. so me or my brother couldn’t get the exact one we wanted but he got the regular pro and i got the plus because i like bigger screens. we had a difficult time for some reason setting it all up there and today my brother and i had to go back in to switch our phone numbers over which also was overly complicated. but that’s how it is for my family. nothing is ever smooth sailing but we make it out in the end. everything was great this birthday minus my psychotic melt down last friday. 

Documenting my mania.

Looks like my yearly manic phase is back in session. Always around the new year into spring. Bipolar mania is a cycle so that makes sense. Idk why it never clicks.

Last night went bad. We went out to see some bands play at Terra. I had beer since they don't serve liquor. Just 2 maybe 3 beers. I had gotten mad at my bf for going off and leaving me sitting there while he went to chat with some people. I got up and walked out of the venue alone. Walked far off and sat on the curb in the dark alone. Which is stupid because I am a girl alone around a place like that. I was sitting on the curb and texting him saying I had been kidnapped. Why? Idk. My mania never makes any sense to me. I sat there thinking of horrible things to say to him in the midst of taking pics of myself. I didn't care about kidnappers, rapists or murderers. No cares what happens to me. I just was angry. So my bf didn't know where I was (he didn't even take me seriously with my kidnapping story lol) but I ended up back at the place and we got an Uber. I hardly remember the Uber. We went to the bar and things really got bad. I don't remember any of this, so this is coming from my bf. He told me that I dropped my phone and it had cracked the screen. I got mad and slammed my phone on the bar multiple times and he was like, we gotta go... I was making a scene. We go outside and wait for the next Uber and I just slam my phone onto the concrete. Busting the phone further with cracks and a white line is on the bottom of my led screen now. Slowly it's progressing. It now has a black line on top of the white line. I cried and I talked to my mom about it when I got home. I was sobbing about my phone and telling her about the night. Then afterwards I just punch my bf in the dick. For absolutely no reason. I was awoken today by my bf and he told me all the horrible stuff I had done last night. I have no recollection of any of that. He explained that at the bar I was talking normal like how I always am so he didn't think anything of me acting out. At the bar I was going off about 2 friends of ours and saying how they have ruined things??? Idk. He said it was weird that I was normal sounding but not. I can't explain it.

When I get manic while drinking alcohol it amplifies my alcohol level. Like I drank normal like I always do but I was so fucked up I don't remember. Like I become someone else

 A completely different person. I've done so many things in my life that I'd never do while in a manic state. I never know I'm manic while it's happening. It's after a come down I realize it and I'm embarrassed and hate myself.

I do dangerous stuff because I feel invincible when in that mental state. Like nothing can hurt me and I do risky shit. I've met strangers off the internet and had one night stands in my past during times of mania. Things I'd never ever do ordinarily. I never do things alone without my mom or my bf or sister. Someone in my family has to go with me to even just going to get gas. Like my social anxiety is bad and I'm super dependent on others. So for me to go off on my own, meet people, have strange sexual encounters, not caring if I get killed or hurt. It's fucked up. But only ever occurrs around this time of year. I go thru this every year and like I said it'll last up into spring time.

I'm embarrassed. I'm disgusted with myself and I hate myself after I'm off that manic high. What really bothers me is how I treat those I care for. We were suppose to meet up with friends this morning and night for my birthday celebration but he didn't want to after last night. He said he's emotionally hurt and the vibes are off and he can't pretend everything's cool. He said he's not mad at me and he understands it's mania and not me. But he's still hurt. Physically and mentally. I am not. Absolutely not using this as an excuse. But it is mental illness and I need to treat this. I need help. I can't afford it right now but I need to put forth the effort to try and get help. I recognize that I am mentally ill and I need to get that in check because I can't do this. Like I can't go thru this every year for months where I am putting myself at risk and in danger. I can't put others at risk of being hurt by me either.

Drinking during mania... I'm gonna need to take it easy on that. Cuz if I get upset by the slightest of things it triggers my angry side of it and the alcohol amplifies that. So I'm gonna be chilling on the partying. He said next weekend we can try the birthday get together but we need a mental health day. So we're here in bed taking it easy. I'm just sorry and I wish I could rewind time but I don't think that'd even matter. It was going to happen. My phone is fucked and I need a new one. I wanted to get a new one anyways, but I don't have enough money right now to put down on a new one just yet. I just hope the progress of the screen damage is slow. It's taking over the screen inside slowly. This happened to my old one before. I can use it right now but soon I won't be able to at all. Sucks

Cowboy Kirby

Just got back from my tattoo appt. Paige did my lil' cowboy Kirby. He is so cute he looks like a comic drawing. Tried to tip her and she said no its your birthday. ♡ she took some pics for her ig I think and told me I can use them for my blog. Happy she remembers that. 

Welcome Poppy

I got the stylist's phone number to text from my mom and sent the stylist a text explaining my current hair and what I want. I also sent her a pic of my hair and I took a screenshot of the model on the hair extensions site wearing the shade I want. I bought 2 extension ponytails and regular extensions in dirty blonde. The hair appears lighter in person than I expected but that's why I showed her the pic. She told me that it might take a few tries to get the pink removed. Also said it may take a few visits to get to the desired shade but that she'd do a heavy highlight. She estimated about 220.00 provided the pink comes out. So I asked her if I were to remove the pink myself with a color remover would it be cheaper. She said yes it'd bring the cost down to about 170. So my sister brought me 2 packets of color remover. I'm gonna try to get the pink out today. My hair appt is Thursday. 

So I ordered all of my hair extensions and of course I accidentally put the wrong address number to the house. So my packages will be delivered to someone else on the street. Apparently this guy has gotten a package from us before cuz my sister accidentally put the wrong address down too and one of my Christmas gifts arrived at this man's house. So this guy must have opened the package and saw my sisters number on the receipt inside. He texted her and was rudeish. Then he was nicer and he dropped off the package here. He seems like he doesn't like people going up to his house. So of course all 3 packages of mine are going to this man. My bf walked up to his house first time and no answer & car was there... 2nd day went up to his door again... car in his driveway still and no answer so we leave a note on the door. I get the confirmation my package was delivered and put inside his mailbox. So we go back over there in plans to get it from the mailbox (even tho that's illegal) it's my package of hair worth 100 dollars. So fuck it, were getting it. We walk over there and his cars gone. We get the package out and notice he has no other mail inside meaning he probably left it there for us to take cuz he doesn't want us going up to his door for whatever strange reason. So now I have to closely monitor my other 2 packages worth 300.00 of hair extensions and get them out of his mailbox. Like, I'm assuming that's what he prefers cuz he seems weird about answering doors and people going up to his door. Especially with all his weird cameras and stuff. I'm so dumb I can't believe I wrote the wrong house number down. Anyways I hope these extensions will even match 400 bucks later. I may have to put darker shades in depending how light she can get my hair this appointment.

I have a tattoo appt with my friend on Monday. I'm getting my Kirby tattoo ^-^ 

Wednesday is my birthday and my bf got me 2 gifts to open in the morning and is taking me to dinner to my fave local restaurant. Then we're doing the actual fun celebration stuff on Saturday. Maybe grab drinks with friends at night. So I'll have my new tattoo and my hair done for that. 

Well, I finally got another guinea pig for Bitsy. She now has a new friend. Idgaf what everyone says online about introducing new guinea pigs. They all say weird rules not to break. I did what I felt was right and so far its gone great. Pet people can be so fucking weird. So what I personally did was split the cage in half and let them get to know each other through the grates and see what happens. The new guinea pig (Poppy) as soon as she noticed my other guinea pig, was popcorning (hence the name Poppy) and was happy and talking lots. She seems fine. Bitsy is the dominant one and was bossy with Mitzy. So when I removed the grates for a bit to give them time together, Bitsy chased Poppy into a corner. So after they ate I put the grates back to separate them. Poppy sticks her head in the grate square so her head is on Bitsys side and Bitsy will be cautious and walk in a dominant way toward her but then starts hopping around excited. So I think she may be bossy but she's happy she has a friend again. I think personally this will work out really well. Poppy has already adjusted well like right away. She's so little and cute. She's a baby now. 

My bf made me get up early this weekend to be on our phones to grab tickets to see NOFX. Apparently it's their last tour and the tickets were going to sell out fast. So I logged on my phone and he did too. Just so we would have a better chance. I actually got them right away. It's not until September but yea he loves NOFX. I actually had the album The Decline in my teen years.

boring NYE

our plans failed for New Years Eve due to us being tired and hungover from partying too hard and too late Friday night. Friday evening, we stopped over to a guy we knows house while running errands and he said one their friends is playing live at some restaurant that requires reservations. so we were gonna get dinner there and watch his friend play with the guy and his gf. then probably bar hop around downtown. he got us reservations with them and my bf seemed happy we had something to do for NY. but after some bullshit my bf had to deal with from shitty work mates via texts back and forth with his boss his mood was off. he was so mad at these people for essentially fucking him over, acting like babies and crying to the boss over shit that is unjust. so while he dealt with that I was disappointed cuz I wanted to go out after we made the quiche with my mom. after he dealt with the work bullshit he was like "do you wanna just go to the bar" I said okay, even though I wasn't too in the mood anymore and actually had anxiety. but we ended up meeting Paige there and after a few vodka redbulls my anxiety lessened. we stayed til the bar closed. she asked if she could take an uber with us because the dudes that were around us outside while waiting on the Uber clearly were hitting on her and she didn't wanna be around them. so Paige came over and we partied til 6am. she ended up leaving at like 6 30am. so obviously there was no way we'd be okay to go back out for NYE to party it up again. we were so exhausted I slept most of the day. poor Paige had a client at 1pm, I wonder how and if she made that appointment. I was kinda disappointed for not being able to do our plans of going out and getting our oysters prior but whatever, I was tired af. 

I need to ask my mom to text that hair stylist she knows making sure I'm still good to go for my hair appt the 19th. she and my sister are on a text basis now. I guess she also gives discounts for birthdays which is awesome. I still need to ask my dad for that hair money. I need to get my hair extensions too. I need to get them first tho cuz I wanna make sure I have them in time for my bday outings. I really wanted to wait til my hair was done so I could match them accordingly but I won't be able to. I'll just show her the hair extensions I choose in the shade dirty blonde and ask if there's a way she can match them up. so I was gifted 150 on a gift card from my father for Christmas and 50 in check form from Mum so I'm trying to figure out how to buy these extensions with 2 different cards?? idk how I'm gonna do that yet. my first set of hair extensions cost 200 about. the next set I want is another 200. plus tax/shipping. I should be getting more b'day money from Mum and my father. I just need to get a set before my hair app so she can try to match them up. I'm sad to get rid of my pink hair. I get so many compliments about the color. now I'm gonn be back to boring, typical Florida white girl hair 😭 but I just cannot bleach my hair anymore. after everything I went thru with that and the continuous damage, I'm just done.