im really depressed

I miss having my own room

wkend

we went out to see some band my bf likes around here play. one of the members is from Killswitch Engage he told me. I think I have like 1 song on my spotify by them... or at least I use to.  it was at this cute, tiny record store. I had anxiety to be honest and I looked cute until right when we got there I go in the bathroom to find my pigtail extension falling down. so I quickly had to scramble to take it out and re do it which gave me anxiety cuz I knew someone was waiting on the bathroom. I quickly put it in and then quickly drank 3 wine glasses so that I could socialize. we weren't there very long honestly. 

we went to The Goose afterwards and we asked one friend to come out but got no reply, then asked Megs to come out and she was with her bf, Paul, M.L and 2 other people. so tiny drama happened. the first friend we invited out showed up. and he and Megs do not get along anymore. he treated her badly too many times to the point she wants nothing to do with him and rightfully so. so he comes in and then all the sudden Meaghans bf pushes him into the bar. nothing too hard but still made him stumble backwards. Megs tells me that he called her a C U Next Tuesday the previous night for ignoring him and not wanting to speak to him. so her bf got pissed off and pushed him. now the sad think is, he has no idea he even called her that. he's such a bad alcoholic that he has no clue what he says and does to people. he's a broken soul and while he's never treated me poorly, he's treated many of my female friends poorly. like misogynistic type of thing. an angry, sad alcoholic and when he's sober he's super fun to be around. reminds me of how my step dad treated me and my mom. verbal abuse was severe many years ago when he would come home drunk. then act nice the next day cuz he had no recollection of how he was. it's shitty and alcoholism sucks and took my uncle away as well. sadly, I don't think my friend will ever recover. he's too broken after the loss of his daughter. but you can't go around calling people cunts and mistreating people (always women) and not reap shit back. he's never once mistreated me though. cuz if he did I know my bf would 100% cut him out of our lives. we just feel for him and there's some connection we all 3 have. it's complicated lol. 

anyways, by the end of the night I just took my extensions out cuz i didn't even care at that point. only a month or 2 til I can get my hair done and I'm countin' down the days. 

Idaho murders making me depressed

what do I do? these Idaho murders are plaguing my mind. I can't stop watching videos, news videos updates or reddit threads and thinking about it. I think because of the fact no one's been arrested. so it's unsolved and this person is just out there living life and doing who knows what in hiding. so far they cleared the guy in the hoodie at the food truck, cleared the 2 surviving room mates and cleared one of the victims ex bfs. so who could have stabbed 4 fucking people to death in one go?? alone? kinda crazy... or is it really? there was that 1 murderer who met his online gf and they went to a concert together. she was turned off by him and ignored him most of the time and he got mad about that and killed her, her friend and 2 parents. so he killed 4 people in one go with an axe while they slept. so its not unheard of. 2 surviving room mates living on the very first floor were unharmed, 2nd floor I think was the girl with her bf who were killed first, 3rd floor was the 2 girl's seen at the food truck prior. I read some where at least one of the victims had defensive wounds which I would think would be the girl with the bf. cuz you gotta think... they'd wanna get rid of the man in the house first so he can't fight off the killer. so the gf probably woke up while her bf was being killed and she defended herself cuz she was next. the other 2 girl's were killed next in their own rooms. according to online people, they say being stabbed in your sleep, you don't really scream you're more likely too surprised and not really able to react and are already stabbed so they let out a sound or a gasp but not a scream. some people are saying the cops might already know about someone but don't wanna scare them off so they either don't leave town or they don't lawyer up. kinda like the delphi murders. they kept that case quiet for 5 years. watching the guy and gathering as much evidence in secret as they can. so they maybe be staying quiet for now. which BTW the delphi man charged in the 2 girl's murder goes to court tomorrow. I hope they nail that motherfucker... they took stuff into evidence from his home. shit he buried. can't wait til that one comes to a closing. 

just all of these murder make me dwell. like I said, I think the reason is when they don't have anyone charged, it drives me insane because we don't know who they are and they're running free. so all of us are speculating and trying to figure out thr why and how. how can someone do this?? why would they do something so evil? being addicted to true crime has its consequences. :( I just hope they find this person or people because I cant imagine losing a family member or friend like this. :(

I know these families are torn up over this but personally, I wouldn't ever be caught giving interviews in public less than a week after my sister was killed. I'd probably never be okay again and I'd never talk to anyone about it. people obviously process this stuff different but fuck no. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to talking in any interviews publicly. I'd probably just go offline for a long fucking time. like years. but hey, people handle stuff differently and there is a shock too. I just don't know I'm just sad for the families.

:( :(

so I've been watching Youtuber Yumi King for years. in the later years a bit off and on, but I'm back to watching her struggles and I cant help but feel extremely bad for her situations as of now.

I use to watch her easy DIY videos like most of the gals that follow her channel but then she got this creepy, old ass husband. something was super off with this dude from the start, man. the whole thing... the whole relationship was super weird to literally everyone. Yumi came off as super childish, wore cute dresses and was into "kawaii" everything. literally me and probably why I gravitated toward her content more and more. BUT the childishness got a little too much for many viewers and the husband's reactions toward it all was.... creepy af. the way he treated her  like a little pet... a little girl was gross. always was condescending in how he spoke to her. in my opinion treated her like she was stupid and she may have played that off on YT but she's far from stupid.

she wanted to be married so bad and be pregnant so bad... which rushing into both of those things is a horrrrrrrible decision to make by anyone. I do believe her Chinese mother played a big part in her rushing marriage. because when I was visiting my family in Ohio, my Korean grandmother was asking me and my ex bf when we were going to get married and mentioned how it's important within minutes of meeting him. it's an Asian cultural thing for sure. so I think Yumi was brought up in the mind set that she HAD to be married with a child by a certain age. me and Yumi are about the same age and she was worried about not fulfilling those "requirements" before 30. I remember her videos expressing worry about being a "left over woman," or whatever she called it. so she rushed into this relationship with this man she met either thru her step father (creepy af if he set his daughter up with an old middle aged man) or on a dating site.

so she barely knew this man on a deep level (in my opinion upon viewing). it came to light that this weirdo had multiple, foreign wives in the past and had children with them. so he married these foreign women, gets them pregnant and dips. whether Y knew about this or not prior to marrying him is unclear to me but who knows what lies that creep told her. so... she gets pregnant... what do you know... he dips and denies the baby is his through court. what a piece of shit seriously. disgusting man who fetishizes foreign women and leaves them with children. not even apart of the children's lives. just denies them. how terrible for the children! every viewer saw this coming. 

so now she comes back on YT making videos in tears. she's been homeless with her baby living in different airbnbs and shelters. so the parents... the ones who we'd see on her videos seeming to care about her... nope... clearly do not seem to at all.  she came out to say she had been kicked out of her home 2 times now with her baby. left to fend for herself and no where to go. how shitty of human beings... parents at that are you!  that's so fucked up. you kick out your child, who you're suppose to do anything for... adult or not, you are a piece of shit for disowning your one and only daughter with a baby, for whatever fucking lousy reason. my mom would NEVER kick any of her children out. we're all adults and she always says there's a place at home with her... a loving family sticks together thru hard times. I'm sorry and I've said this hundreds of times but you don't disown your children if you really love them. that's it. you just don't. her mom and step dad are literally trash. they have money. they had/have 2 homes they own. Y was saying they helped her out a little then stopped and kicked her out (twice). disgusting. Y is trying to say 'well  they did help me a little...' no, babygirl... they should STILL be trying to help you and your infant son. you're an adult? so what? you're their child. if anything this shit is on the mother. her step dad, idk whatever... her mom married an old man too and wanted her daughter to do the same. she threw these ideals onto her own daughter... to marry an old creep. shame on her. 

cps took her baby away because she doesn't have a proper home to live in right now. she's staying in an airbnb. I'm so bothered by this and I don't even know her personally. but any person with empathy would feel sad hearing and seeing someone in such a horrible, awful situation. whether she rushed into things and shouldn't have been with a shitty man doesn't matter.... she's a person...a mom who cares about her son and is in a big struggle. if she lived near us I'd offer her a space in a second. my family has always been ones to take in friends and friends of friends who need help. that's just who we are.  I wish I had money to throw toward her Paypal because I would if I had it. I remember Trisha  Paytas donated her a couple grand to help her during her divorce. I thought that spoke volumes about who Trisha is as a person deep down. people hate Trisha for stuff she's said and done but at the end of the day she is a good person in my book. if you don't even know another content creator, that isn't crazy popular even, but decide to donate 2 grand, not broadcast or brag about it online... but just comment under her video expressing empathy and giving her some help. speaks volumes.  anyways this is on my mind right now and I wanted to get it out. I hate seeing people with shitty parents and shitty partners hurting people they're SUPPOSE to care about. gross. my heart goes out to her ♡

edit: some of what I said may be incorrect info but I'm going off memory of her previous videos when I use to regularly watch her content. 

Dear Yumi, if you ever stumble upon this post I hope that you can get to a place where you're comfortable and stress free. I hope you can find a new place that's suitable to get your son back. if you and I lived closer and I myself was in a better situation I'd allow you and your son into my home with open arms. you'd be welcome here. I am a strangers and you don't know me  but there are people out there that feel for you. reading your comments it looks like you have a lot of backers. I hope everything will work out for you and I'm sorry that your family is doing this to you. no family should ever put their loved ones in a place like this. I'm a long time viewer and I've been watching your journey on YouTube and I think you're a caring person who loves her son and would do absolutely anything for him. I think the love you have for your son will make things come together for you both. you'll get there. I hate to sound corny, but love conquers all. I think in the end you'll be okay I just hope it's sooner for you than later. ♡ good luck

double edit: she found a place :')

at Walmart when I was driving by to get a parking spot and my window was down... this guy was outside and yelled hey at me then said never mind as I drove by.
as we're leaving Walmart he asks where the hospital is and says he needs to get to the hospital ER... apparently he saw me and tried "getting a ride" from me til he saw my bf in the car and said never mind....

I'm like, call 911 then.... scary af

idaho murders

another murder case that happened Sunday. 4 Idaho College kids were stabbed to death wtf. how awful and senseless this is... and right by Thanksgiving too. I feel so bad for the families. apparently there were 2 other room mates in the house where the other 4 were killed. the 2 room mates weren't harmed at all. that's weird, like how does someone kill 4 people in a house and you not hear anything??? they said there wasn't a break in either and that this was a targeted situation. Twitch recording shows 2 of the girls ordering food from a food truck late at night around other college kids and this one guy people are talking about also visible in the twitch stream. 

I watched the twitch stream recording a couple of times and yea it definitely seems odd. so the stream shows the 2 girls walking in frame at the same time as this brown jacket/hoodie guy and the guy is seen standing far back from them while the girls go up and order their food. then they move over the other side of the food truck window to wait on their order and the brown jacket/hoodie guy walks over close to them. then he starts talking to this other  big guy... from my perspective it seems the girls do not know the man at all. they never talk to him. but the guy points toward them and the big guy started talking and pointing a bit and they keep chatting. at one point one of the girls seems to kinda talk to the big guy but not the brown jacket/hoodie guy... then the girls get their food, walk off and the big guy points at the girls in a "hey they're leaving..." way and the brown jacket/hoodie guy makes a gesture like "wtf?" and then follows after them. he puts his hand up like he says something and takes off in the other direction. super weird considering they don't acknowledge him at all and then he takes off when they do, after following them over to the food truck 2nd window. what  the  fuck.

obviously this guy could be innocent but that was weird. then the 2 room mates that were unharmed is weird too considering they were in the house when these other FOUR were stabbed. 4? how do you kill 4 people? and not alerting anyone in the house. idk it's weird as fuck and I hope they can solve this fast. I pray for the families cuz fuck. I couldn't imagine they're away at college and they get a phone call their children were murdered. fucked up. why are people like this? :(

weekend

Hurricane didn't even bother us much. power stayed on, no property damage or much damage at all in town. my sister and I dyed my hair pink and drove around in the storm (with the dye on my hair 🙃) which was like hard rain on and off. we drove to the park to check it out and it was flooded and blocked off. so we parked my car and walked around.

bf and I went to Carmelas to see our friend play music and we got an appetizer of meatballs. man, I don't drink much wine anymore but when places like that don't serve mixed drinks I choose wine over beer. so 2 glasses of wine down and I order a 3rd... I was drunk by the second glass and thought ugh I'm drunk and I still have a full 3rd glass left. so I drank it with sips of water in between. our friend stopped by and he ordered a pizza that we all 3 split. I'm not that big on pizza so I only had 1/2  a piece. then we went to this house he's been working on and he showed us around. had 1 beer and blah. I was kinda hungover the next day.

went out again last night to Crabbys Oyster Bar and damn it was good. I think I have an addiction to oysters now. I've had them before and I know I like them, but fuuuuhhh it was so good. we got 6 oysters each, an appetizer of "cracked conch" and we split an entree of shrimp and rice. our bill was 100.00 eek! but it was worth it cuz the food was so good. this guy behind us with his elderly father... don't get me started. so the guy was SOOOO LOUD. like, yelling about how he got covid 3 times and went into detail about him throwing up and shitting (what's with these people in restaurants talking so loud about nasty stuff) it's just so fucking rude! so he's yelling stuff and my bf is getting super annoyed and, quite frankly, pissed off. so he starts saying loudly back "I just love hearing about people shitting and vomiting everywhere while I'm out to eat". I told him to stop cuz I don't want trouble and it increases my anxiety when my bf is mad in public. he's chilled out a lot this past year and tries not to escalate problems. while my bf wanted to turn around and say something I told him not to. I don't want a scene caused. anyways this guy is just LOUD af. he was a total douche and we over heard him say "thanks dad for the food:.... the dad didn't even talk much  if at all. it was just the son yelling about boats, covid and my bf said he heard him tell his father to check out some girls ass that came in the restaurant with her significant other. like fuck off. I hate creeps so much. a creepy douche at that. aside him, the food was so good and we wanna go back and just order a ton of oysters. I'm ADDICTED TO OYSTERS HELP.  we walked down to the bar and hung around there for a few drinks and to catch up with our friend that works there. got an uber back home and then I asked my brother if he'd take us to McDonald's 😅

so I have pink hair now since blonde hair and grown out roots are boring me, I just slapped it on. when I'm scared I just slap on the dye and say "too late". I love the color but I personally wish it was a more pastel pink not so much a fuchsia or whatever. so I'm gonna fade it out. luckily pink hair dye fades pretty quickly. I'm thinking about dying my pigtail extensions to pink too. might as well since I'm not having bleached blonde hair anymore. in about a month or 2 I'll have my hair a natural blonde so I wouldn't be using those extensions anyways. might as well make then pink I guess. I got called Harley Quinn again. my hair isn't even blonde anymore it's fucking pink and I wasn't wearing full on pigtails. I can't escape it. I love Harley and I use to love the compliments. but sometimes it gets kinda old. I just heard "Halrey Quinn!" over and and over so I looked over and I asked him what and he replied again Harley Quinn so I half forced laughed. it's just awkward. idk what I'm doing today but tonight...  me, my bf, sister and her bf are gonna get food at the ale house if she gets off work in time. I kinda wanna get a healthier option tonight. I've been eating a lot of carbs and starchy foods that aren't good for me and it's taking a toll.

I woke up way too early and I wanna roll over but Mr Dabs is laying here and I don't wanna disturb his sleep 😅 I love when he lays with us

sigh

I can't believe Dance Gavin Dance is bringing Tilian back as the singer. they're gonna lose a lot of fans. dumb, bad move. I can separate the artist from the art but not everyone will. should have just left him out of it. I do not agree with the decision at all.

Hurricane Nicole

all I have to say about it is 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 I'm not worried about it but I definitely don't wanna lose any power.  but where the emoji is is where I am 😭

I feel especially bad for my friend on the west coast cuz they got slammed hard by the last hurricane. 

so I'm gonna dye my hair pink again because I'm bored af waiting on my hair to grow out. its boring just blonde with roots. so I need to do something. I asked my sister to grab me some pink hair dye from her work tomorrow so I can do my hair before Thursday. I hope we don't lose power ugh. dealing with legal issues, worry, stress and now another hurricane. love that 😒 not. 

also haven't able to sleep cuz I'm way to obsessed with the Delphi murder case and I keep looking up all I can on youtube. they think it's bigger than just bridge guy and a whole ring of creeps involving "Cheese Pizza". apparently, the first guy they arrested had this fake IG account where he was talking to minors that he let other people use to do the same thing. like renting out the IG for other creeps to use to get pics and stuff from children. the FUCK. so my guess is the Delphi murderer had access to that account and knew where the girls were gonna be thru that fake IG. still trying to figure out but won't know 100% until trial is over and someone or people have been sentenced. I think they're trying to bust many people. it's insane story I'm literally watching unfold in real time. I went to the killers wife's FB again and saw all the videos and pics were back on there. she must have archived them and then published them again publicly. weird idk. I just cant understand how, as a wife... you've been married to this man since you were 19 (I hear tell)... and you've seen the police sketches and the video of him on the bridge saying "down the hill" and you are oblivious to that being your husband for many years????? make that make sense idk. and they dropped a bunch of charges off the first guy prob cuz he gave up bridge guy's name in return. cuz fake IG guy arrested first then right after bridge guy was arrested... so fucked.  n*e*wayz.

all I know is this case is kinda taking a toll on me cuz it's all I research and I what I think about before I sleep and it's seeping into my dreams. can't be healthy, right? I'm just so invested :( I want justice for these angels and their families. 

delphi man arrested

they finally arrested someone for the murders of the 2 little girls in Delphi, Indiana. so I have been on reddit and youtube learning more and more. people put together the guy on the bridge's voice to the videos that the suspects wife posted via Facebook before deleting it all. I gotta say... as grainy as the victims video recording of the man on the bridge is, he looks exactly like the guy they arrested. it's still an ongoing investigation and he hasn't been found guilty... he just has been arrested and charged in their murder. so everyone's kinda giving their own ideas on it. but the guy definitely looks the same. his wife even had videos of him briefly speaking and sounds just like the bridge guy's voice. like at least ridiculously similar. and then, wtaf? the guy and his wife were photographed in a bar and behind them was a police sketch of the killer. how fucked up is that? it's as if he's taunting like "haha you'll never catch me" while being cocky in front of his police sketch. what a POS. the wife ended up deleted her photos and videos after people started piecing together the same jacket he was wearing in the victims video as her (wife)'s Facebook videos. that's suspicious as fuck to delete all that. if she was getting hate and she is completely in the dark about everything... make your Facebook private then. don't delete potential evidence... unless she knows what he did or is protecting him whether she knows or doesn't. another creepy thing, is their daughter was photographed on the same bridge that the girls were on before they were told to "go down the hill" and were murdered. it's just so damn suspicious. him and his wife, all of it. I'm not saying the wife was in on it but deleting things is kinda sus'. 

my heart truly breaks for the girls and their families. honestly. I cannot imagine the pain they're dealing with. I made a comment about my thoughts on how one man could kill 2 girls, and someone... a troll? blasted me and said my comment was stupid (they said worse) but the gist of it is that they said my comment was stupid as fuck. what I said was that he was probably able to get both girls because one of the girls would never leave her best friend behind. in one of the victim's mothers own words "they always would stick together" and the one girl was not a push over and kinda looked out for the best friend. if I were in that situation with my friend or someone I care about, I wouldn't leave their side either. I'd never leave them alone. people are saying one should have run to get help... but I couldn't. I wouldn't leave someone I care about alone with danger. plus he might have had a gun or something, no one knows yet. the family wants the evidence sealed until someone is found guilty so that nothing gets fucked up in the case. I understand that fully. so basically were all just waiting and hoping this guy gets found guilty. I have a huge feeling it's him and they obviously have evidence to back that up. 

interestingly enough when the police spoke out at a press conference he said "we know you're hiding in plain sight and are probably in this room right now" and said they WILL find him. they kept their investigation heavily sealed for 5 years and now they have arrested this Richard Allen guy. the judge stepped down and handed over the case to a judge more advanced. the case is so big for a small town like Delphi... I have family that live 40 minutes from there. my mom grew up 40 mins from Delphi and her town is small af. their mall doesn't even have name brand stores. 

I keep reading and reading post after post about this case. it's bothered me for years. I hope this gets resolved quickly so the families can have answers 

Halloween night

went out for Halloween night. idk why but I felt uncomfortable about being in a costume so I just dressed how I usually do when I go out. just added extra makeup, sprayed some fake blood and called it a night.  we went to Terra to see some Metallica cover band lol. I'm not into Metallica at all and I felt I was one of the youngest people there. it was mostly people in their 40s and 50s in costume getting down to metal music. the group did make the show cool looking though. they did a Halloween costume contest i would have done if I were in my costume from Friday night and extra drunk. but it's hard to get drunk quickly off of seltzer drinks. I hate when places don't serve liquor. the night went okay I guess, wasn't as fun as Friday in my opinion. my bf made me take pics of him with people's costumes and I just didn't want to. I had anxiety most of the time. the night got better when this dude was handing out glowing wands and I got the handle with the heart shape. looked like it was Sailor Moons or something. when his work friend showed up, we went to Harpers again. his work friend seems fond of that place cuz we only go cuz he goes pretty much. of course some younger dudes at the bar said shit to my bf and telling him to buy them shots idk... and my bf had to spout back at them saying cringey shit like "see her over there. I'm with her..." or something like that he told me. 😵‍💫 I'll have to ask him what happened again but it sounded dumb af lol. maybe I'll ask him and edit the post for memory sake.

took uber back home and vaguely remember it but according to my text messages he was talking the drivers ear off 😹

Seedy bathroom pic