thoughts

I'm listening to Dance Gavin Dance's new album and I've been listening since its first day release (of course) fuck I love this band. I was close minded when I said I wouldn't listen anymore cuz the singer's allegations and tried excusing the reason being cuz Tim died. but honestly, I can separate the art from the artist. the last singer having those allegations is a big deal, but I must say I never knew much about the singer until that news came out. most of my fav bands i couldn't tell you what they look like or what their names are. I only happened to know Tim because we started talking in 2017/2018 before we swapped numbers and met up a few times. but nah, didn't know anything about the rest of the members. I recognize talent and what sound I like. I don't usually delve into their lives or who they are as people. maybe that's bad, idk. it's not intentional. sometimes I'll look an artist up and end up learning surprising and interesting facts, such as The New Regime. that guy's music history is awesome and I had no idea until the other day after listening for years. I don't downplay peoples reasoning tho to stop listening to DGD. everyone's got their take on it and their reasoning to back out as a fan. I certainly can understand the victims in the situations reasoning to stop listening. it's sad and it sucks. it just happens to be a bonus when the people you like turn out to be cool.

I need to sleep but I can't cuz I have bad cramps. so after not having my cycle for 3 months. I got on these Myo inositol supplements for women's hormonal health. I've been on them for like 3 weeks and I started low carb dieting and bam, my cycle started. I went to a walk-in clinic to get refills and 215.00 later I got my medication. it was expensive cuz I can't afford health insurance anymore. but I had to pay it. I paid half they said they can bill me later for the other half. I have more tattoo shop gigs to work so I'll be getting paid again in September. 

whats on my mind rn

today was very weird. something felt off and off with everyone else too. I have been super depressed and anxious in public settings and I think it's making my bf depressed too. kinda like when one person is in a bad mood in a room full of people and the people start feeling bad moods too. I feel bad but I'm just dealing with medical problems and life shit and there's really only so much someone can take before they break down. we're all just highly stressed and irritable. my mom's car needs 2 new tires, they're flat. my bf and my sister's bf were filling the tires up with an air pump and my sister's bf patched the hole where a nail punctured it. hopefully it'll make it a couple days for my sister to use the car for work. still need to buy 2 new tires tho, sigh.

my bf and I figured we should have a BBQ for my family since they've basically been living here for a month (no house luck yet) on  Friday night and then
I'm going to just go to a walk-in clinic to get my medications filled this Saturday, finally. we also are going to look at a couple house tours. it's just basically a waiting game til someone says "bad credit? no problem." but everyone wants a good credit score. a few years ago and this wouldn't be such a problem.

I just want a house, mostly for my family, cuz I have a place here. even tho I rather live with my family. more comfortable and free to roam the place with no anxieties of other people but them. like when someone is in the kitchen here, I wait til they go away to go in the kitchen. if my family doesn't get a 4 bedroom place, even a 3 I can't live there cuz no room and I'd just let my sister and her bf take a room there obviously. how anyone affords to live these days with prices of everything going up is beyond me. you all are some lucky people or have better work than me (which most people prob do).  I miss playing Overwatch on my computer and having my own section to edit code, blog and watch youtube all at once. I miss a lot about my past a few months ago. 😪

but once my family moves into a place I'll be taking over that small side room here for my own computer, decor and things. i plan to make it pretty chill and ~kawaii~ I'm gonna get an online job I think along with working gigs for the tattoo shop my bf manages. which reminds me, I think we might be working the September gig which I almost wanna tell him to back out of but I need the $$. it's literally from 1pm to 11pm in the brutal heat!! I'm debating but I better debate fast. 

I haven't been feeling good physically because I don't have my medication. I haven't been on it for almost either half a year or close to a year. my doctor I had been seeing since I was 16 y/o just quit her practice a bit ago so I haven't had a doctor in some time. I really need to find one to go to cuz this shit is not good. I need that medication to help with my insulin resistance. I am in pain a lot in the abdomen, I haven't had my cycle in 3 months and that hasn't happened to me since I first was diagnosed with pcos like a decade or so ago. I need to stick to a low carb diet and I was doing okay for a while, then when we got kicked out of our old place I started eating like shit again 'cause it's the a main part of keeping me happy for at least the time I am out to eat. but I can't eat carbs like that anymore, especially without my medication. I went to one of my fave restaurants Crawdaddys Friday night and got the side effects after eating that pasta I got. when I eat carbs like that I enjoy the time while eating, but the aftermath leaves me super sick feeling. I just have to make hard decisions and just eat L/c most of life. maybe once a week I can go off the low carb diet but the rest of the 6 days I have to be strict. I need to get those meds back so I need to just go to a doctor. I rather a female doctor since I am dealing with women problems but I might just go to J's doctor. ;[  sucks tho that I don't have medical insurance anymore so it'll be about 85 - 95 bucks every 3 month visit and plus the medicine costs. luckily these meds are cheap. the other stuff I need can vary.

tonight I might pass on some of the low carb sides we're having with our bbq meat, sucks 'cause the sides are the best part. I guess we really only got one non-low carb side, the rest is perfect. we were gonna eat this BBQ yesterday but I felt so sick all day from eating high carb food again. I wanted to go out tonight but my bf is prob' tired from work + he has to mow the lawn so I doubt he'll feel like it.  not much else to talk about. my family is still living here, still no house. how long will this take, really? I have friends who have recently gotten places to live that are felons and they're doing fine. when will my prayers be answered :[

im'a tad drunk and high from taking a full edible but I just want to say how fucked up it is that Lush in downtown Stuart denied service to a trans individual. it came back to my mind after I saw a couple on my Facebook post a pic there. fuck Lush. fuck that place and fuck people who deny someone that's "different" than them, especially in an establishment. like ok, you don't agree with trans or gays... on your own time. but in a public establishment? at least be chill about it and respectful as a business. bothers me man. I wasn't even there when this happened but my bf told me about it cuz it was someone he knows relative and ive been thinking about it. fucking losers, it's 2022 I thought we were passed this. 

Gerard Schaefer

this serial killer from my town named Gerard Schaefer was a police officer here in Martin County. he killed women from around here and buried them under a tree called The Devils Tree in a park here. he tied girls to trees and did really bad shit to them. anyways, my bf has the transcript he wrote. I honestly have no idea what this piece of shit is talking about in this typed transcript. but he wrote a "fiction" book and stuff but the stuff he wrote was shit he actually did. him trying to pass off his words as fiction is batshit. how do I have his writings? my bf, when he was in high school had a teacher obsessed with serial killers and even took the class to the jail to meet the man. my bf got to ask him a question and he said his eyes were pure black and it was scary as hell. his teacher passed around the transcript so the kids could read it (the fuck?) but he stole it and never gave it back. he said the teacher was so pissed off and yelling lol. my bf has even gotten offers to buy it from him but he still held onto it all these years. a youtuber I enjoy called Bizarre Bazaar did a video on the killer cop and I told him I have this and he asked if he could read it. so I took pics of it and I'll post some here cuz it's pretty crazy I have in hand a serial killers words he wrote. there's more pages but he starts talking about Charles Manson for some reason the rest of the time? so I didn't include those pages

700 bucks later, we finally returned the moving truck. we put all of our stuff in storage (in the rain and lightning) until we can find a house. me and my sister just keep putting in house tour requests to any houses for rent that we come upon. we're getting so desperate that we're even looking at less bedrooms & in different counties.  it's really all we can do. apparently everyone is trying to move down to Florida (why I have no idea cuz it sucks here). but they're all moving here taking up a lot of the storage units & in line to grab houses just like us. it is literally the worst time for that landlord to throw us out. bad times in the housing market. a couple years ago we wouldn't be in this position. so we're still homeless, well, mostly my family since i am most likely moving in here. but I can't have my own space here until they get a place since all of my stuff is in storage and they're using the room I'd be taking over. it's just super sad and I feel so bad for them. I am lucky I have a bf and I can live with him. albeit I never wanted to move in because he lives with other people, it is what it is I guess. it's very awkward for my family having to live in someone else's house and I get it. I just wish we could find a house. I've resorted to begging God. listening to frequencies even LoL. I saw a video on my FYP on Tiktok saying something like "pack your bags your new dream home is coming." basically manifesting good news lol. sad. I am relieved we got rid of the moving truck, though (700 dollars later) so that's one thing I was dwelling on that's  done with. 

just fucking kidding u cant move in

a kittykaley blog post isn't official til something bad goes down. so the fucking owner of the house my family was gonna move into made us jump through hoops to gather all of the move in money together. we paid 3k but have other money from other accounts so we were finding ways to move the money over. he wouldn't take us just paying partial then giving him the rest next week. he wanted all of the money right now. so we scrambled to get all that together.  we finally are about to borrow money so we had it all right then and there and he decides he no longer wants to rent the house to us. how fucking messed up. so all of that bullshit cuz he wanted all the money right now and then changes his mind after stringing us along for a week. fuck him bro seriously. I'm so over getting sad, I'm now at the mad stage of all of this shit. so we're still all here living at my bfs. dogs, cats, family, cars, guinea pigs, hamster and his people here like my god. can you please give us a break. someone out there in the universe. come on. renting storage unit to finally get our stuff out of the parking lot, into the unit and give the renting truck back cuz that's costed us a lot of extra money.

that shit aside work wasn't bad once I got hammered. I was so wasted I didn't remember leaving the gig. apparently we got McDonald's, taco bell and went to the bar with Paige after but I have no recollection of any of that. I think I got so wrecked from all of the stress I just drank my heart out. I usually remember my nights but this was a big blur. all I remember was setting up, smokin' a joint, throwing back pickle back shots and talking to my bfs boss and Paige. I was super angry too yesterday just in an all around bad mood but was okay once I was set up and drank.
J took video of me and sent me the vid I posted on ig. I was trying to look busy even tho I don't do a lot of working when we work these gigs. 😅

I have to work today (in the heat) ugh. I'm tired. I didn't get that many hours of sleep in, but luckily I don't have to set up til like 4 or 5. I feel bad not being able to help my family move. looks like it'll just be my brother and my sister's bf doing it all. of course out of all days too my cat has to go to the vet again. I hope she'll be okay. she's so ancient and rickety. somethings wrong with her tooth and I'm worried they'll tell me I should put her down or something. that'd just really kick me when I'm down. feeling like I can't catch a mental break. I just hope she'll be ok, they get moved in fine and I don't die of heat exhaustion.

the amount of pure hell me and my family went through this past couple weeks is depressing to say the least. after a few days of moving, being evicted and served the papers as we were wheeling our furniture out of the house, into the truck, now being sued by the landlord, not finding a place due to 3 scams, false hope and told no cuz of bad credit and or no pets all while all of our stuff, our life is sitting packed in a moving truck outside of my bfs work in the parking lot... I gotta say I am burnt the fuck out. I'm so emotionally drained, physically exhausted and depressed to the max. moving out with a broken AC in Florida is something I don't wish on my worst enemy. it was so brutal. me and part of my family and half of my pets have been staying at my bfs and needless to say it's a packed house. my sister and her bf have been staying with her bfs grandma with 2 of our cats so at least that was 2 less people and 2 less pets to cram in this house. because the housing market sucks so bad right now, it's hard to find a place. a few years ago, bad credit? whatever. we'd find somewhere and we have. today? nope. the cost of rent has sky rocketed so much its fucking sad. landlords suck and I wanna say that now. for ours to serve us papers while we were on our way out is so fucked up. and to have his lil relative/friend aka minion drive by daily to check so he can report back is creepy as hell. being sued too. so to top it all off with being homeless for a week i gotta say that really puts a cherry on top of life right now. sue us? bitch we don't have money. so basically my family has to take this tiny house in a sketchy area with only 1 bathroom across the street from my sister's bfs grandmas. reason being is that desperation has settled in to stay. this guy doesn't give a shit about bad or good credit. he just wants someone who will pay rent on time. and with my sister and her bf chipping in this time it should be okay. it's also on the cheaper side by these days standards. 1800 a month, pets ok, bad credit ok, 3 bedroom 1 bathroom oddly but whatever. they don't wanna live there and I don't blame them. it's small but the inside is brand new cuz the guy has fixed it all up. I on the other hand don't have a place to stay there cuz there's not enough rooms... not even a garage to transform into a bedroom like we had planned. so I'm staying with my bf. he's giving me the tiny lil room next door so I can have my own lil space. basically I'll have my computer desk, dresser, dolls, Harleys and plushies set up. I was super depressed about not having anywhere to go. yea, I could live here but I never wanted to cuz he lives with other people and I need my own space or I'd go insane. but he's gonna set me up in the small side room. I'm depressed cuz I don't like separating from everyone. and I don't like to use the kitchen here cuz other people. so basically I'll be locking myself away in my bfs room to sleep and my side room by day. I'm just sad. sad that we have to live like this right now. what's also super sad is that people that claim to be best friend material failed us. failed me, my family and my bf. a friend that had an empty home while gone on vacation wouldn't allow some of my family to stay. when this said friend wasn't even gonna be home for nearly a week. cussed out my bf after he told them they hurt his feelings. it really makes you rethink who really is genuine. it's just people being all about themselves I guess. but to the friends and people that I don't even know personally that came through to lend a helping hand. props to you. I am so appreciative at some of the people who came forward and helped and then some. God damn heroes. renting a storage unit tomorrow to put most of our stuff in cuz the house they're moving into is too small. I'm sad, but we'll all be okay eventually.