i hate my life

this has got to be a test, right? I try to be positive and try to think of good changes for the future with the circumstances given right now and then the AC breaks. the AC here was making a loud noise and it startled me and it just stopped working. my sister's bf has tried to fix it but can't. like does everything bad happen all at once like this to just us or does this occur to others often? cuz I feel like everything sucks and nothing ever goes smoothly for me.  I'm just so done. it's 86 degrees in my house, 90s outside... I tried to pack today but had to take multiple breaks from heat exhaustion. no AC in Florida is just fucking dangerous. my poor pets are dying in this heat too. my guinea pigs are so miserable and I keep trying to put frozen water bottles, ice packs and damp cloths in their cage but they're just so hot. I keep switching them out cuz they melt so fast. my hamsters hot too. my dog is acting restless and my cats are sleeping all sprawled out. I'm worried about my animals.  more so my guinea pigs cuz they're not supposed to be in such hot conditions. I read they can get heat strokes. strangely my bfs house lost AC too a couple days ago. he said it's back in better working condition but idk yet. so I'm gonna take apart my guinea pig cage, bring all their stuff, put them in a bin and take them to my bfs. there's a little side room were gonna put them in. I'm going to ask my brother if I can keep my hamster in his room cuz he has a window AC unit. so basically he's living it up in the AC while the rest of us are dying of heat with the animals. I just hope that side room is cooler at my bfs than here cuz my pigs are really,  really not doing okay like this. they can't take another week like this til we leave no way. might just have to break down and tell the landlord we need it fixed cuz trying to move in this heat is brutal. last night was pretty bad. I broke down crying a bit last night and today. I just can't take anymore shitty things happening I can't. tomorrow I have to go to my friends bday dinner, then i'm going to be taking house tours on Saturday to try and find a place. still have a lot of packing to do but I got most of my stuff done except the fragiles. I just wanna be done with this. I'm tired and stressed and severely hot. my bfs bosses bf is dropping off an AC unit for us to borrow for the living room while packing. 

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12 days left before we get kicked out of our house. unless by some decency the landlord will give us 2 more weeks. I am hoping he'll give us that, fuck. my brother seems to be officially moving to California which sucks. we might move in one of my sister's friends if needed to pay extra rent. I've been non stop looking for places... trying to keep it around 2k and under 2500k a month. it's so difficult. if we don't find a new place by the time is up we're just gonna have to move everything into storage & everyone will have to find somewhere to stay until we can figure something out. depressing as fuck. it's also so hard to justify that much a month for rent for houses that shouldn't be anymore than 2k/mo. but I've been scrambling to find places... narrowed a few down and gonna have to go look at them. one of them is kinda cool cuz it's a 2 bed 2 bath but the garage had been transformed into a room. which I'd take 'cause it might be big. my sister has been bitching about that house. like get over it we have to do what we have to do. there's this one house that's pretty damn nice looking on the outside but kinda just okay on the inside. I personally want the garage room 'cause then I'd finally have room for my guinea pigs/hamster. but we'll see I guess. really we just need 3 bedrooms (or 2 bed/den) and a fenced in yard for my dog. I am just really praying here. I am trying to look at it like a new and positive change that would end up a blessing, but I am really stressed out and scared.

fucking scared

so I've been super depressed and anxious since finding out I am being kicked out of my house by the landlord and only have til the end of this month to find a place that can't afford. I broke down a lot yesterday and during the night. my brother might be moving to California, my sister and her bf might be going to his grandmas, if not I might not have a room, I don't wanna live with my bf cuz he lives eith other people. like shit is changing and I'm scared. honestly worried. if renting wasn't so much money these days it'd be fine-ish. but literally for a shitty ass house I'm seeing like 2500 a month and more, where as before it was 1500/mo. I just can't deal. I'm so worried. I hate to be that bitch but if anyone at all is reading, I have a donate button for PayPal donations if you wanna help. anything counts. my bf is doing his best to help out and he was furious. he was yelling about how landlords are pieces of shit. to literally throw a family of many out just to make more money on your already shitty place. giving everyone of us 2 weeks to find a place. that's so unheard of. 2 weeks he expects us to be out of here. that just can't happen. so I feel like everyone's gonna be separated and all bumming off people's places til we can find a decently priced place that allows pets. my bf contacted a friend of ours who can look for us. he said he found a 3 bed/2 bath for 1600/mo in Jensen which prob won't be a great house but whatever. he says his assistant will link us. my bf is doing everything he can to find us something. he's super upset about this too. like I said him going on and on about it and getting angry about this landlord and how he's a shitty human for doing this. like, I get the landlord situation but also I agree with my bf. like at least give us a month... like if my bf didn't live with people I'd obviously be moved in by now but I don't like that. im comfortable with my fam. but now that the family is kinda falling apart and going different places to stay sucks and made me cry. I was playing pubg mobile... cried. I was driving over to my bfs... cried. my bf dragged me out of the house to meet up with friends and as much as I didn't wanna go for the fear of just crying I'm glad I did. I hung out with my friends and new girls I've never hung with. we were partying til like 7am and we drunkenly stopped by the beach to see the sunrise. this one girl we gave a ride to walked up on the beach in heeled boots lmao queen shit. my other friend was wasted so she stood by holding onto the fence out there lol. crazy night. I'm exhausted and not gonna do much of anything today. my bf and I ordered food and just been sleeping and laying around. I guess I'll just start packing my shit up tomorrow and throw shit in boxes day by day. idk what me and my pets are gonna do. worries me.

me trying to forget everything with friends

 back to reality now...

sigh

so I have to move out by the end of July cuz the landlord wants to fix up this house for selling. this is stressing to say the least... not only did he baprely give us time we only have a couple weeks... the cost of rent and well, living in general is moved up. so places to rent are like way high now, idk what is gonna happen. the end of July doesn't leave a lot of time to find a place that's even a little bit affordable. & I have pets and some places don't allow pets. I've had to move out this fast before and figured it out but the rent costs didn't rise like they have now. this just sucks and looks like a stressful month ahead.😩

hamsters and friends

we got my new hamster! her name is Macy like Macy Gray cuz shes gray 😆. I had to go to 2 petstores cuz one of them had like no hamster options. the second location had a bit more variety. as we were about to ask the employee to help us get the hamster, 2 kids came up to us asking if we could help them buy a guinea pig because you have to be 18+ to buy animals there. so they wanted us to basically go up and act like we're buying. so we helped them out. I was torn between 2 hamsters in my head cuz I had already picked out Macy but there was this second one that was funny. it was like doing flips? and like climbing up the glass and doing silly stuff. but i got the biggest hamster out of 'em all. she looks like a little possum honestly is what sold me.  cuz my bf and I have this stuffed animal named Roadkill and my bf said Roadkill can have a sister lol. omg last night I went to check on her and I couldn't find her. I sifted through all the bedding and I thought she might have climbed on top of the box I left in the cage but she didn't. I lifted the box & I startled her and she came out and wandered around. I felt bad i startled her but I had to make sure she was in there.

here she is after I found her.

so after all that my long time friend from high-school Vanessa was in town. so we went out to dinner with her. I got some shrimp and a drink called Voodoo Juice. V got frog legs a d I have never tried them before cuz they're frogs and yea... but I will pretty much try anything at least once and honestly they do taste like chicken wings or something but slimey? 

went to the bar next door and met one of my bfs long time high-school friends. she is friends with the girl that I have 2 art pieces from on my wall... the rabbit and the kitty plaques. she was telling me how she had stalked me before cuz she loves my style and kawaii vibe lol she asked me if I could do her makeup in my style and I said hell yea. so some day my bf said he'd invite her over with the girl that does the art one day and we can do it then. I have to confess I always hate when I say yes to going out or doing anything with anyone else when I'm drunk. cuz when I'm drunk I'm all for anything but when I'm sober and normal I regret people having my number cuz I know I'll not want to. especially if they ask me alone. like I have such bad social anxiety that I don't really ever do anything without my bf. I'm unfortunately super dependent on him cuz he's my comfort. so doing anything without him or someone I'm super close with I'll be too afraid to go out without. I don't like being like that but I'm not that outgoing naturally. anyways I'm glad to have seen Vanessa. I have said this every damn time to her and others but she was the coolest person to me in public high-school. everyone else was a bully to me and treated me badly cuz I was super skinny and bleached my hair and wore skimpy outfits. now a days that shits a bit more 'in' but in the early 2000s highschoolers didn't look like that? idk. I was way into Pamela Anderson and The Girls Next Door so that was my high-school vibe. she was the nicest, realist one. she came up to me in gym class asking me if she could call me Tinkerbell cuz she said I reminded her of that character. so ever since then she's called me that, even called me that Friday night when we walked up to her. some guys were hitting on her and like super creepy, loser types. so I hugged her when they came around and said I haven't seen her in forever and that she's my bff so we're trying to spend time. idk what they said but I kept repeating that and they went away. 2 or 3 dudes that were bugging her left once I said that. adios ✌🏼

Happy 4th of July

went downtown to see a friend play and ran into Paige. we spent fourth of July with her and sat up on the top floor at this restaurant across the water and we could see the firework show perfectly! best spot in the house. fireworks, drinks, shrimp, 

back in the Lush bathroom again I love the light up mirror

work weekend

went out Friday night and went to Terra for a moment cuz some live music, and art sellers were down there. we bought this art this girl made. it's a record with pour paint on it in Harley colors. so my bf bought it for me to put up in my room. we met up with our friend Ashley I haven't seen in a year or more. we partied with her and some of her friends. my bf and I worked the tent Saturday. it was hot but it's been worse. luckily it started later in the day so the sun wasn't blazing. Paige was with us and she was working on one of her paintings and my God. she's beyond any talent around here. like her artistic mind and skills are beyond what artists I see around here. no offense to the rest at the tattoo shop but she's too good for that place. she needs to be selling art and having art shows for crying out loud. I know she wants to. I hope that will work out for her one day. so I finally had extra money to fill my gad tank up and it cost 48.00 to fill my car now. use to be like 25-30 to fill my tank. gas prices around here are getting better but not better enough.

anyways my sister and her bf stopped by the tent which made it fun for me so I didn't feel like I was sitting around a lot. after work we went straight home and I passed out only to wake up 2 hours later ugh. I ended up sleeping all of Sunday like til 7 30pm when my bf got home. we watched Stranger Things second half still have to finish rest of the last episode.