ugh

last night was... a lot. so we went to see my bfs friends metal band. my sister and her bf showed up too. afterwards me, some friends my bf works with and Paige went to a bar close by. so I notice the girl next to me looked visibly upset and I asked her if she was okay... this guy kept coming up to her, being really mean to her. so I told him to fuck off. I don't remember the rest of the shit I was saying to him but I was getting pissed off. I was like arguing with him. I got up and kinda came at him cuz I was ready to hit the dude lol. my bf had to step in and difuse the situation and he was ready to hit the guy as well. cuz my bfs like "what's the problem here" and the guy was like "this girl" (me) blah blah and right then and there my bf was mad. so both of us were ready to fight him lol. I'm not normally like that but if someone is treating another person, especially a girl like that you bet your ass I will step in. I don't like that shit. then after we left me and my bfs work mate friends girlfriend were talking about how pissed we are when dudes are assholes to women. the guy was like trying to tell me that the girl was this and that and I'm like I don't care. fuck off for real. so needless to say I'm hungover af. 

in b4 the fight lol

Friday I think we're going to another show in West Palm. then Saturday we're working a tent for the tattoo shop. I am not looking forward to working in the damn heat but luckily the gig isn't until like 4pm so it won't be blazing hot.

we buried Chintzy tonight. I drove over to his house with Chintzy in the car and he already had dug a tiny grave for him. :( my bf took Chintzy and put him in a tiny, nice box and buried him. he said he even got teary eyed. he bought me Chintzy and he's big a part of both our lives. we just now picked some flowers and put them on his grave. people may think it's dumb but I love my animals, big or small. and I will miss him 😢  I was crying that he was in the dirt buried but my bf gave me a different perspective to look at. I'm trying to look at it that way but I'm still so sad.

RIP Chintzy 😔

so this weekend I noticed him not sleeping under his bedding and kinda out in the open. thought that was odd but figured maybe he just wants to change spots. but he was out from his usual burrowed spot a second day and 3rd day. today I noticed his breathing was really weird and heavy. so my sister kinda moved him to a couple places but he just laid around. normally he gets feisty when you try to pick him up but he didn't do anything. I tried to give him a strawberry treat but he didn't take it like normal. so we started to pet him and he kinds tried eating the strawberry but it just stayed in his mouth. he had no energy to even blink really. so I just knew he was dying. hamsters live like 2-3 years and he was coming up to 2.5 years. I just hated seeing him breathing like that and just not feeling good. so my sister and I put him in a box with lots of bedding so he could feel safe. I covered him a bit because he was cold. I pet him for like 20 mins and told him I love him and that he was a good boy. I checked on him again and he had died. so I covered him with soft bedding and tomorrow my bf said we can bury him in the backyard. I prefer burying him there cause he owns his house. I don't live at mine permanently so I don't wanna bury any animals here. :( I love you Chintzy.

the black phone

The Black Phone was awesome. I'm so glad it did well. I'd totally watch it again. the jump scares you don't quite expect when they happen like normally in movies. very Stephen King-esque. so his son def got good writing from his dad. pretty brutal too in some areas of the movie. great kid actors as well 👏 👍 👌 

this wkend

went to Benihanas for lunch Friday and got seared tuna and some sushi rolls 

walked around downtown and stopped in Lush to use the bathroom and the bathroom was super cute inside

some heathens peed on the seat and didn't clean it. like it's not just men who are gross when they use the bathroom but women can be too. as I left i got complimented. I don't regularly talk about compliments I get cuz I don't wanna seem braggy? but like it happens sometimes and I should blog about it. it's hella nice and makes me feel good. the girl told me how cute I was and she loved my lashes. 

went to some pizza joint downtown and grabbed some cheesy garlic bread. stopped by Lures to check it out but decided to just go home and make our steak we marinated. I got drunk and we stopped by this person giving away a chair and took pic in it 🤭

today we met up with my sister and Zack at Conchy Joe's for happy hour/appetizers. got another compliment about how cute I looked today 😊  we got mussels and I had 2 drinks. we walked over to the BBQ trucks next door and grabbed hotdogs and pulled pork. then later my bf and I fell asleep. we grabbed wendys for a snack but I just got a strawberry frosty. we didn't do much tonight. but this week/weekend I'll be pretty busy. working on Saturday too 😫 in the heat.

my bf and I had a serious conversation. something that I've been dealing with for a long time now mentally. he gave me some suggestions that will be one of the hardest things. like i feel like a part of my soul is gone... my mental state and heart are hurt. I'm still thinking about what I'll do, how ill do it or if i will. but I'm just glad he loves me and is here for me. he knows about it but we never actually sat down and talked about it. he's the best is all I know.  

I think tomorrow night we're gonna see The Black Phone movie. Stephen King's son wrote that story. I also like Ethan Hawke so I am pretty excited to check it out.

issues with true crime youtubers

ok so I am watching iNabber's video about toxicity within the true crime community. at first I was like "ut oh please don't call out my subbed channels" 😭 but I am agreeing 100% with what he is saying. I've been a true crime fan... idk if fan is the right word 'cause I don't like what happens, but I am super interested and have been since I was 12 (yikes that's too young lol) but anyways, he's talking about Youtubers that cover true crime topics but in disrespectful manners. the ones that do mukbangs, sitting there stuffing their faces while talking about someone being murdered is so fucked up. it's really weird and it's like he was saying, the thumbnails... holy fuck the thumbnails! them making stupid ~quiRky~ faces with a pile of food is in front of them with titles like "the brutal murder of 5 year old" or something. fucked up man. next is the "spirit box" true crime youtubers. first of all, fuck off. I've always thought that to be bazaar. it's such a big fucking joke! trying to contact murdered victims and playing it like they're responding to you through some man made box is tragic. it's incredibly disrespectful and the first time I encountered such a thing was with Jon Benet. the psychic twins (scammers) trying to contact JBR and acting as if they got thru to her. fucking lame. I remember thinking how fucked up that was and super weird. come to find there are many more making videos about contacting murdered victims with some lame ass voice saying random words? so fucking dumb. and I am sorry but those that believe any of that BS is just feeble minded. I am not knocking people's belief in spirituality by any means but Youtubers? what makes you think these random ass losers are coming in contact EVERY time with these victims (that they aren't even related to). I'd like to think it's not as easy to get spirit contact/supernatural stuff to happen. it doesn't happen when you want. it's more realistic to happen when you least expect, imo. iNabber even showed Jenny McCarthy who I find to be a fuckin' weirdo anyway, showed a thumbnail of her and some other chick being ~super siLLy & QuIrkY~. one eating a banana tryin' to look idk, silly? sucking on something phallic? idk but the topic of that video was a child murder!!!! like??? what are you people thinking?? og wait they aren't thinking. no morals! covering true crime is interesting and can be super educational. it's not to be taken lightly and making a mockery out of. it just irks me so much. That Chapter is one of my faves and while he makes silly jokes, it's always at the expense of the murderers, never the victims. which hell, I am fine with cuz fuck bad people. 

with all my ranting aside there are true crime Youtubers out there that I believe to be genuine people. Dave's Lemonade is one of them. his videos are super educational and at the end of every video he expresses his feelings and heartbreak for victims and what the families are having to go through. his videos truly make me cry every time. I can't think of one, single video he touched on that didn't make me sob. he really seems caring about the victims in his topics and focuses more on them than the killers in the end. he show cases their photos, their life, what they were about and who they were as people.  which I think a lot of people get lost in the killers... always about what the killer did and who they were, sometimes even glorifying these murderers when the focus should be the victims and the lives lost and families who have lost. 

Coffeehouse Crime is another Youtuber that puts his heart into the stories he covers. he even goes as far as getting the word out on donating money to the families that have fundraisers for lost loved ones. he even updates us on how much money the families were able to raise for their funeral costs and stuff, which shows he thinks about the families after his videos have been done. he even updates us on the cases where the sickos get sentenced (for newer cases). 

that's so much more than those that sit their stuffing their gluttonous faces with food or acting like they're having conversations with victims. those people are in it for the clout. they just want views/money. money grabbing freaks. 😡 ugh it just bothers me and shows you what kind of people they are. Hulu is even super weird about tragedy. they'll have a documentary or movie about something bad that happens like a week after it happens!! like they jump on that shit so fast for money. I saw on TikTok some girl whose sister was murdered has a documentary out on Hulu/ the girl said it's against the families wishes too. IDK how they can get away with that stuff but it seems they always jump on a tragedy super fast. it's so weird and money hungry /end rant 

bad news / maybe good news

2 of my cousins died within days apart. crazy how fast one can lose life. I wasn't close to either. I met them when I was little. my cousin Samantha was like in her early 30s or late 20s and my other cousin in 40s I think. I feel so bad for my family. 😥 my aunt contacted my sister last week asking her to tell my mom to call her back due to family emergency & me and my sister were worried 'cause that could mean anything. so we were trying to figure it out all night. this time my mom just came out and told me about my other cousin's death. then we were saying how deaths usually come in 3's. ugh. hopefully that's all for a while. 😔

the possible good news is that I might be seeing Coheed & Cambria with my bf and Paige. I've seen them years ago when they played with Avenged Sevenfold lol. she has VIP/backstage passes but we're gonna have normal tix if we go and then we'll probably stay in a hotel down in Miami where the show is. funny enough, Dance Gavin Dance was gonna be touring with them but due to the singer's allegations they cancelled (I assume is why). so Alkaline Trio is playing with Coheed instead. I've seen Alkaline Trio many years ago live. I remember in Highschool I was obsessed with the album Good Mourning. one time I had lyrics to one of their songs in my AOL profile and this old motherfucker IM'ed me & was like saying how screwed up I am for having such lyrics in my profile 😂 the lyrics were;

"step one: slit my throat, step 2: play in my blood. step 3: cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house. step 4: stop off at Edgebrook Creek and rinse your crimson hands. you took me hostage and made your demands... I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers one by one" great song btw. so yea we might take a train down to Miami. I was like, a train? the fuck? is this the 30's?? my bf wants to take a train prob so we don't have to drive and we can drink and stuff. I've never been on a train wtf lol.

pool day

I had a really fun/crazy weekend. we went out Thursay for a bit, then planned to have lunch/day drink day with Paige the next day. me and my bf went to Shuckers for lunch. My friend slept in so she called and we figured we'd just meet up at my bfs house after lunch instead. we decided on doing Sake Bombs and snack foods at Benihana. I was already full from lunch prior so we ordered sushi rolls and took them home for later.

after we left and were on the way to the liquor store to make margaritas, they both knew the guy who worked there. he handed us tiny honey burboun shot bottles and did them in the store lol. omg on the way back home we saw this guy just sitting in the sprinklers on the sidewalk in the middle if the round-about. no shirt, just him cooling off in the sprinklers 😂 I was like "what's going on there" so P turns around and was like oh that's a vibe". she didn't see the guy she just saw his stuff and was like oh ok lmao. then she noticed him and we drove around 3 times trying to get a pic of him in the sprinklers cuz it was that iconic. no pic but I'll never forget seeing that lol.

we get back and start making margaritas. we went into the pool and contemplating taking tabs. we bounced it around a bit and finally was like fuck it, it's Friday and we're having a fun pool day, let's get crazy. so we took 2 each and we had a blast. we were in the pool laughing so hard over everything. everything was chill until another friend came over that was gonna drop off weed. ummmm this gets interesting... so me and P get out of the pool cuz I started to get all bit up by mosquitoes and we, soaking wet, shuffle in by them to change. I stayed in the room a bit to take a break and she went out there with my bf and his friend. she comes back into the room shaking her head. I'm like what happened she's like... "uhhh the guy is like, rapping about abortions and fetuses". I'm like wtfffff. oh and he didn't even drop off weed. so whyyyy come over?? jsyt to rap about that?? she said she had to just leave cuz it was killing her trip. he just started rapping about heavy, dark shit when we're trying to keep a good, and positive headspace here. so I asked her what my bf was doing while he's rapping and she's like he's just sitting there like 🤙🏻I laughed 😅 cuz I could see that. my bf being nice and chill 😎 while this guy's rapping about his views on abortion and bloody fetuses omg. so we sat in the room cracking up about whatever we were laughing about. bf comes in and was like omg I'm sorry about him. we went back outside and laughed so much more. I wanna tell this one thing that we laughed hard about to where tears were coming out. the bottle of tequila she bought looked huge. she was saying how we really went thru that tequila and then I said the bottle looks like it's an illusion to make it look like there's a lot. so I'm like imagine you pour a shot and it's a tiny amount. so we joked back n forth about the tiny amount I'm like "woo were gonna need a chaser after that" and we died laughing in the kitchen. we just kept going back n forth with jokes about it.

I was talking to her about how I blog and how I've been blogging for years. like since 2004 and still have all those accessible memories. she was telling me that I should save those. like export them and print them or put them on a USB drive. she was telling me that long after I'm gone maybe someone would come upon my writings and be like "that's one fun bitch" and said I could maybe even help someone since I talk about mental health and down days, up days. she's rights I really should get all of those memories saved off the website. I know there's ways I just gotta figure that out. she said I should make them into a book and save it. so I think I will. I always worry what if the site shuts down and all my memories are deleted. it made me feel happy that she thought it was so cool that I did that. cuz I don't talk too much about my blog to my friends or anything and when i do noone seems to say much. my bf and mom know more about it but I don't usually bring it up ever.

after yesterday we were suppose to have my sister and her bf comes over for dinner but we needed recovery day. I'm just wanting to say how happy I am to have such caring, good friends. like good , kind hearted people in my circle. we have a small circle of true friends that I consider close but Paige has been the one that I feel the most connected with. we talked about my stalker I have a bit which I don't like to talk about on here much. I told her how sometimes I'm scared he'll show up one day at my house. like in the back of my mind sometimes I'm like what if he comes down here and just gets even weirder waiting at my house or something. I doubt it, but you can't ever be 100%. so she was telling me she's gonna buy me some stuff for safety. she had a stalker too she told me so she gets the fear i have at times. my stalker lives far but not far enough that he comes down here every year. but yea I don't like going into it online cuz I don't want him to see I even think about it. anyways tomorrow my bf wants to go out for Father's day like dinner or something. I'm trying to sleep but Mr Dabs just brought a palmetto bug in bed and I freaked out. I hear him running around playing with the bug and I'm afraid he'll drop it on my face in my sleep.

hammered

2 shots of Jamo, 1 Tequila shot, 1 Vodka cranberry, a Blue Moon & 4 Vodka Redbulls later 🤪

hair // party tomorrow

I straightened my hair just now for the first time in a while. I've just been leaving conditioner in it. the last time I straightened it I didn't take time on it and it looked frizzy. here for reference 

 and here now it looks way softer

it prob won't even stay nice due to Florida humidity in summer and the obvious damage. but I tried. 🤷🏼‍♀️

tomorrow evening I'm going to a party at some restaurant I'm not a fan of. it's outside of course too. they've screwed us over many times on our bill and the manager was too lazy to do anything about it. we kinda know him, so he should have done more for us but fuck him. we're gonna bring our own drinks and the foods catered so... free. I thought it was nice tho that the people's party it is asked my bf if he could bring me. not like "hey, you can bring your gf". they specifically asked for me which I thought was nice. even tho I don't really know them I just remember they went to the Craig Robinson thing when we went. I have this new black dress my bf bought for it that Craig show which I never wore but it's long sleeve and Florida is too hot. so idk yet if I'll wear it. hmmmmmmm

Enchilada Tequila Tues

we made our enchiladas last night and they turned out pretty good minus us getting corn tortillas and not being able to fold them without breaking. we needed to steam them first I read but instead we went back to the store and got flour tortillas for easy assembling. we got 2 small bottles of tequila to spice up the night and yea it was spicy. I threw up everywhere. on Lasso, on my dress on the pillow case. like after I took a hit off the joint it made me cough, gag then yea. sucks it felt non stop I eventually was able to grab the trash bin and get sick in that. you'd think it was the tequila but like I've done way more tequila shots at restaurants and didn't get sick. it's like I was doomed if I choked at all. so now after talking about that. the peppers my bfs work friend gave us and the entrée

updated layout

I worked on my blog all day and changed things up. when I work on it I can spend up to 15+ hours on it. it looks the cutest it's ever looked so far I think. I love my blog so0o much, it's like my virtual life all in one where I live in my lil' corner of the internet by myself. I have my real life and my virtual life right here. it makes me super happy 'cause it's just for me. it's not like social media platforms. it's just me and memories I jot down every week. I am so big on documenting and saving memories I've been doing it since 2004. but this has been my most important one since Livejournal and my Tumblr. both of those sites are dead now. anyways, I added a donate button. it's basically to help me with some costs like, gas, pet food & small online bills. it will keep my blog going by helping with internet, my domain name etc. it's not necessary, but it's helpful indeed! I noticed a spike in my blog views last couple months😳  tomorrow night is Taco Tuesday with my bf but more like, Enchilada Tuesday cuz we're makin' spicy enchiladas with some peppers his work mate gave him. I need to go to bed I've been working on this since around 10 30am & I'd love to lay down now. D; 

 RIP Cousin Samantha

my bf bought me medicine, cough drops and made me home made chicken noodle soup while I was sick this weekend. I felt bad cuz had to cancel that show we were gonna go to cuz I was sick but we still made the best of it. we watched Everything Everywhere All At Once which was really good. weird movie but it was good! we also watched X. I've been wanting to see it for a while now but don't watch it around other people it's kinda awkward during the sex scenes with the weird prolonged moaning during Mia Goth's scene lol. I got my bf to watch Creep, too. my sister and I have an inside joke about Peachfuzz. I feel a lot better finally I still have a cough tho which is annoying. 

ok so we went to Arby's and had the weirdest experience with the drive thru worker. I felt like we were being pranked. so we order 2 number 1s... and my bf was like "we didn't get our French fries" and the girl looked confused and said she didn't realize we wanted them as meals... giiirl we ordered them as "#1s". then she was confused when we told her the cheese sticks and macaroni and cheese were side items after she asked if we wanted them on the side and said yes. she repeated everything back to us in question form. she just seemed so lost and confused about everything. like how were you hired lol for real. my bf and I parked to eat and when we pulled the sandwiches out they were barely wrapped up. like they just threw then together and scrunched them up and put them in the bag. and we purposely went to a diff location since our usual arbys has been sucky. this was clearly worse. we just said forget it its ok and didn't get our french fries cuz she clearly was too confused to understand what's going on... I'm usually super understanding too but girl how were you hired. was the weirdest experience we laughed about it. thennn we went to sonic so I could get a strawberry milkshake and the girl asked if we wanted whipped cream and a cherry and my bf said yes that'd be good and she goes "ok I'll take the whipped cream off for you sir" lmao wut. my bf turned to me with his arms up like huh??? needless to say I didn't get the whipped cream OR the cherry lmao. such weird drive thru experiences I've never had before.

last night was the worst night. I had a fever the whole night so like I felt hot on the inside but cold on the outside. I had the worst headache I've had in a long time and i couldn't get up to get headache medicine it hurt so much. I suffered all night until morning when I just had to get the medicine. such a  miserable night. today my fever is gone and so is my headache. my brother got me an iced coffee this morning cuz he said it might help my throat which is did. helped the medicine kick in faster too cuz the caffeine. now I'm just stuck with sore throat and coughing. I'm glad the first night of this flu is over. it's always the worst. I wish someone would go out and get me soup 🥺 but everyone sucks and didn't help me out last night so I didn't eat anything. although I probably could eat regular food I don't have strep throat, just a swollen one. I just hope this goes away fast. I don't have any cold n flu medicine I drank the last bit of medicine we had yesterday. 

I'm siiick. my throat hurts really bad and to even touch my throat area hurts. i had a weird rash on my chest and neck but it went away. I couldn't sleep at all until this morning. I probably got it from my bfs. he should have lysoled the house up after his kid left. I took 1 antibiotic I found, some zinc and dayquil. I hope this goes away fast. we're suppose to go to this show this weekend and we're getting vip so we can be behind stages and shit. so I'm trying to kick this sickness to the curb. waaaah

finally back to my bf's after almost 2 weeks. we tripped and watched movies on Friday cuz we figured we wouldn't be able to do anything on Saturday cuz of the tropical storm. which wasn't even anything. it was a regular storm and ended Saturday instead of Sunday. we watched Stranger Things last episode while tripping and at first it was fun cuz we noticed the scene where Eleven was back in the facility and going thru her memories in this like trippy scene where it kept repeating. we were like "this looks like an I Don't Know How But They Found Me music video". so we muted it and played their song and it went so perfectly omg lol. I feel like making that happen. overlaying that song over that scene and sending it to them lol. wel it started to get dark and disturbing and killing the mood so we picked a happier movie. This Is The End! I love that movie so fucking much. and the anticipation I get for Danny McBride to come on scene in his cool ass entrance. the best. I looked it up on youtuhe and people were saying he probably wakes up like that everyday. I laughed. something about Danny McBride is so cool. one day I hope to meet him. I've met some cool people in my life like Bruce Campbell. Danny McBride and Justin Long. I wanna meet them one day in my life. ya never know.

Saturday we went out to the bar and met up with Paige. so weird someone played Dance Gavin Dance on the music player thing. especially after me talking about them a lot lately. no one plays good music at thr bar... people pick either depressing country songs, my friend was like "who hurt you that you have to play this" loll foreal tho... kills the vibe of fun. then people like to play lame shitty rap or like tiktok popular songs. luckily Paige has a bunch of points in the music app so we could skip like 10 songs. we played our usual MCR, The Used Coheed and Cambria... she told me she has VIP meet n greet coming up with them. thats fucking awesome! we had some party time at the house afterwards but i was readt to sleep. i could feel myself losing my "go button". oh yea, and thi weird guy walked by me at the bar while i was sitting and petted my pom pom hair things. like i felt someone pet them and when i turned around it was a guy walking by. i thought it was someone i knew but nope just some random dude ew

Sunday I slept in and my bf took off work. I'm so glad. we stayed in mostly bed all day I slept so much. we ordered Italian food delivery and just ate and I fell asleep again after I ate. then was up a bit then back asleep. so I recovered tons of sleep. 

I miss you Brad. thinking about you. drove by your place today. 

ugh

yooo so I go on Twitter and see Dance Gavin Dance trending cuz the singer coerced a girl into having sex when she said no multiple times. I never particularly liked him or anything I was just a Tim kinda gal. that sucks so much though when you find out bad things about your favorite bands it really fucking sucks. I won't stop listening to them because the music is good but I wasn't planning on listening to anything new that didn't have Tim in it anyway. but that sucks and I am sorry for the girl is going thru this. I was lucky in my DGD experience. I got Tim as my member I was friends with and he ended up being a good person. singers always have such egos man. like they think they can have whatever they want.