I think I'm gonna have to take a break from watching/hearing about crime. like I'll prob cave in cuz all of my fav Youtubers are true crime channels but I SHOULD cuz it's kinda taking a toll on my brain. like I notice I'm constantly worrying about things and dwelling on the stories I'm being told. the one that is kinda telling me I need to take a break is the last story I watched on Youtube where this 17 y/o boy kidnapped a 10 y/o girl and hurt her and killed her then cut up her body. like??? I can't understand people at all. I never will. poor babygirl I can't stop dwelling on these types of stories. that and I hate going on Twitter and seeing stuf about shootings, it's making me feel anxious about going out and I don't want to fear that because then I won't live life. I love true crime because I am super interested in the psychology behind it but man I need to take a break. I hope I will and not let myself delve so much into this shit for a while. making me super depressed and bothered. I'll probbly cave in and watch them by tomorrow and after I watch That Chapters newest. I mean, I hate what people do to others but I think it' the kids that bother me so much. crimes against children seems to be really getting to me mentally :[

edit see what I'm saying. this was posted 14 hrs ago so this just happened I just can't take it. I'm sick of this stuff happening and it being a thing every day

my Sunday

my brother woke me up and wanted to get McDonald's breakfast. I caved in and got some too ugh. I mean, when I eat bad I feel okay it being on weekends... but during the week I like to stick to low carb. my sister trimmed my hair like an inch or something off. I couldn't take it anymore. I kept looking at the back of my hair and trying to brush it different ways and it just looked so dead and bad. so I had her trim the bottom off into a straighter line and it already looks way better and feels thicker. my hair still isn't as thick as it normally should be, but it feels so much better. I night have her cut more off later on but for now that's good enough. I couldn't wait to go to Sal, I needed to get rid of some of the dead and broken ends now. we went to the flea market today and le' me say it is HOT AF. it's not even summer yet and it's already so fucking hot outside. I felt like death walking around the flea market. we went to a couple other places and being out in the heat exhausted me. not looking forward to Florida summer where it's 100F outside.

I miss my bf 😢 his daughter had to reschedule her flight because she's still sick. by tomorrow she should no longer be contagious... I looked it up and it says 5 days (no fever) you're no longer contagious. but I miss my bf and us having our weekend fun. I think this is maybe the 2nd time in our relationship being away from each other this long of time. we usually see each other Tues, Thurs, Fri, Saturday and some Sundays. I woulda' still seen him this week if she wasn't sick. we were thinking about going to the aquarium but oh well.

 I still need to watch Stranger Things season 4 but I've been putting it off due to not wanting to commit to watching something. cuz if I watch it, I binge watch it, I don't take a break. there's also a new Love, Death & Robots season I gotta catch.

my bf's daughter has Covid so I have been home all week and will be all weekend. she's suppose to fly back out tomorrow but obviously won't be able to if still contagious. a week without my bf feels pretty weird... especially on the weekend. pretty boring, but I think I am gonna go to the thrift stores today. it's been a while. I like getting my clothes from there more than I do online so maybe I'll find some things to fill my closets back up. I sold and gave away many clothes so I have barely anything left and I feel like I just wear the same stuff all the time. still have clothes I need to sell/give away in there too so if it looks like I have a decent amount of items, I really don't 'cause I don't even wear any of that.  I hate my hair so much, I am probably gonna leave it alone for at least 2-3 months. 😫 it's so damaged and is breaking off still from the very first time I ruined it 3 yrs ago. it's super thin from it all coming out last summer during a seasonal hair loss phase. it's so ugly I hate it. I just got it fixed/evened out last month but it's back to feeling uneven again 'cause the left side seems to still be breaking. I am taking Biotin again and my bf said he'd call his friend back up and ask if I can get an appt in. I am prob gonna ask him to take at least 2 inches off, maybe even 3 of all those damaged parts. sucks I finally got my hair to a decent length again and have to cut it off. I miss my natural, long hair. why did I have to go manic and bleach out the black dye without any rational thinking?!?!? a part of me wants to keep it bleached blonde because I like adding colors in it and stuff. but I am also sick of having damaged hair that only looks okay if I damage it more with heat. I miss being able to wash my hair and it just drying naturally and not frizz out so much. I miss my long, natural hair... I'd probably have highlights put in it so it's lighter but that'd be so much healthier than full on bleaching. Idk I was kinda waiting to do that 'til it was a long length but idk if I can handle the damage anymore. I love being a pale blonde but ugh. so I've been debating on what to do, so that's why I am gonna try and go at least 2 months, hopefully 3 months without bleach and see how I feel when my roots have grown in a lot. 

I get my computer chair back soon thank God. I use to have Subnautica on my old computer so I wanna get that game again. I deleted all my Twitter posts 'cause I hated how it looked on my blog with all the retweets. it looked like I had a bunch of ads on the side. so I am gonna do less retweeting since my Twitter is really only used for it to show up on my blog as mini posts. so I need to hold off on so many retweets  for a cleaner/organized look lol. 

Livejournal days

I was thinking about Livejournal and how much I miss those old days of that being the popular site to use. I still have my old LJ which I created back in 2003, the last update says 2018 which is when I wrote down something about an ex bf and thinking I was gonna use it to blog but I never did 'cause I felt like I wanted to close that chapter of blogging idk. but I was thinking about how many years I wrote in that thing and all of the drama that went down back then lol. it sounds so funny now but back then there was some drama that happened between me and other old friends on there. honestly kind of a lot of drama if I can be real. most of the drama was so stupid too... people getting mad that other people "stole their layout codes" and copied their design. I had a friend that got flack for that all of the time and thinking about that now has me cringing. I have met friends from Livejournal. this girl I still am friends with on social media, I went to her birthday. my then bf drove me over to see her and hang out with her on her birthday. I went to her first baby shower and took my sister and met up with my best friend from 3rd grade and brought her too. crazy. I remember this one drama that happened between me, this one girl I was friends with and her guy friend who I was friends with who liked me. got into this whole drama filled situation where I bid on a bunch of her clothes she was selling on eBay because at the time of bidding my mom said it was cool and she'd buy them for me if I won the bids... turns out money issues occurred and we weren't able to pay for them. the girl and her bf got so mad at me for not coming thru to pay she cut me out of friendship lol I am not kidding. I get it like it wasted her time but it was an honest unfortunate event that she, my friend I would think would have been more understanding over. nah. she was rude to me and stopped being friends with me. 

then drama happened between me and her guy friend that had a crush on me. he called me and he would tell me he loves me and he'd shit on my then bf about how he treats me etc. then there was this outfit I wanted super badly online and he said he'd buy it for me if I took pics in it. so he actually bought it & I took pics and then some nude ones (keep in my I am underage) so I sent him the pictures and I guess after I told him to stop telling me he loves me all the time he turned on me and sent my ex friend my naked pictures. that girl then turned around and sent them to people all over Myspace. I had others come out and tell me she sent them to her. she did this shit out of "revenge" (her words) because of what her creepy friend said about me. he clearly shit talked me cuz I told him to stop talking to me 'cause he couldn't get his feelings in check and I was sick of it. so thinking back now, this girl was distributing illegal images of a minor. she ended up writing a rude snarky blog post about me and my other friend and other Liveournal girls she had problems with.  but it just had me thinking bout all of the stupid shit that went down on LJ. there were obviously good times like I miss the feelings of posting on there and interacting with the friends and idk same shit but different times and people.

there was also this other huge thing that went on in the Livejournal community which is cringe now to think but people would require "salutes" basically a pic of you holding a paper that had your username written on paper to prove you were real. then would you be granted access to their daily life updates (lol fucking lame). but there was this one girl who was so popular on LJ and over on Myspace that she was the most faked person online. meaning she had the most of people stealing her photos and making fake accounts on social websites pretending to be her. (thousands) all of the LJ girls wanted to be her/be friends with her (think Regina George lol). I even was jealous and was on the train to try and be her friend and have her like me. it actually worked cuz I was brief internet friends with her for a few years til the drama with that ex friend happened and the both of them cut me off as friends and even mocked and made fun of my online back and forth. ended up back being friends with the popular girl and she even sent me a Hooters shirt I still have some where and have worn like maybe once or twice in the last few years but we fell out not due to drama but growing up and moving on. it was just such a weird time sometimes the Livejournal days feels like a dream. lol I think stealing pictures back then was more common than today. Like I even had "fakers" stealing my pics and making fake Myspace accounts and social media site accounts. I think it was so much more popular then than now because everyone has access to camera phones now. before it was just digital cameras but now it's smartphones so everyone is able to take their own photos. such a weird but fun time and I miss it, even the drama lol.

oh and another thing that was super toxic on Livejournal was the communities!! I remember I would always try and join them. they would basically rate your looks and answers to their lame questions. like they would literally tell you what they don't like about your looks and make fun of your answers to the surveys. I remember they said this one girl's teeth were "wretched". like how horrible is that?? that's the only part I don't miss 'cause that's awful. I'd try and join them for validation that I was pretty.  I got into most of them. some I didn't ''cause my foundation didn't match my tan... really..

:*(

I don't usually cry when I hear about shootings. I'm sad of course but man, 3rd one in a week or so. 14 18 (+?) little children and a teachers dead. my eyes are watering after tuning in. so many evil people in the world and still more that have yet to show themselves in the future... and unfortunately innocent people will be killed or injured along the way. I can't imagine being a parent and being called to inform you a shooting is taking place at the place you always drop your kid off for safety and learning, and not knowing whether your child is dead or alive. I just can't simply imagine the fear and pain in a parent's mind during this time. I'm so sorry. 

anyone or anything that is truly scared breaks my heart. especially innocence like children and animals really hurts my heart to think about. imagining those kids running for their lives and hiding. seeing their classmates get shot and killed is truly heartbreaking. I feel pretty broken hearted over this and I can't even compare to how the parents/families/survivors are feeling. idk what to say anymore. there is nothing I or anyone can say or do that will take the pain away from them. I hope the ones taken to the hospital make it out okay and safe. unfortunately, they will have to live with the mental and physical trauma for the rest of their lives bc of some evil, unstable, selfish kid.

Jeffs bday & Craig Robinson

Friday went to look for a dress for our night out & I got a cute black dress which I ended up not even wearing cuz it's long sleeved. it ended up raining/hailing so the weather cooled down so I probably could have worn the new dress. oh well. we went over to Paul's and met with him and Megs... got in his vehicle and headed over to pick up Jeff and Christina. it was funny cuz we sat in the car waiting for them to come out and Jeff was outside on the phone and some how didn't even see us waiting for him for like 5 min or more. so we called him and he's like "are you on your way?" we were literally waiting there so we fucked with him a bit til he noticed lol. on the way to dinner we had a blender and we made margaritas in the backseat while Paul drove all of us. have you ever heard of someone making margaritas in the backseat of a car 😹 we get to the dinner place and man was that place cool. it was called Kapow Noodle Bar and it was all anime themed. the tables had anime pictures inside of it, Pokémon playing on tvs and crazy decor. I ordered the Shrimp Pad Thai and my bf got some lomein with really good brisket. a few sakis down and we headed to the comedy club. the first mc and the first opener were really funny! I'm so glad I could pat attention the entire time. as my previous posts I was worried my adhd would get me but I was focused the whole time. Craig came out and his thing was a keyboard. I didn't know he could play so it was pretty cool he incorporated that into his act  he even played The Office theme song lol. he heckled the hell out of this 18 y/o kid in the very front 😹 oh yea, I forgot the mention how close we were. we were like the 3rd table from the front. you aren't suppose to use your phones or take pics/vids but of course my bf got sneaky and got a video. I told him to stop tho cuz like come on... he missed a couple of jokes cuz he was too busy trying to be sneaky. but hey, he got one that I'm gonna post here lol. after Craig was done me and Christina went to the bathroom and as we were exiting I saw Craig sitting inside a room next to the stairs we were walking down. my friends were waiting behind the wall I saw him sitting behind waiting for hopefully for meet and greets but I told them it didn't look like he was preparing for that. we went to grab drinks outside the place but by this time I felt ready to go. I was so tired. finally we left, dropped Christina and Jeff off we went back to Paul's  I was ready to go home tho I was so exhausted. but I still hung around  went in the pool etc. but finally I begged to go home. I couldn't wait to pass out. 

                                           whoever's camera this was took bad pic

Saturday I did nothing but sleep. I slept all day but in between my bf and I got BBQ from Sonny's. then back to sleep for me. I even slept all night. nothing to report cuz I wasn't even really awake. we were suppose to go to Bamonte's birthday but I was in no shape to socialize and party more. 

tonight my bfs daughter comes down. I think this Wednesday I might be going to Paul's and making pizzas with her and Meg's kids. I never go there in Wednesdays cuz they just play music and for me that's boring. that's kinda what's making me not wanna come over Wednesday. but like his kid will be there so maybe he won't play as much. I am hoping we are renting the boat again this week. I'm definitely down for that. more pics

' ; '

I have been waking up every day this week at 6am. this is a first in a long time because my sleep schedules ae so bad all of the time. some days I sleep and some I don't. some I sleep a little, some I sleep a lot. I've been trying to defeat mania, racing thoughts and anxiety so I can be normal. we got VIP tix to see Craig Robinson this weekend for my friend Jeff's b'day. what do people wear to comedy clubs? like I'm sure dressing nice is kinda something? idk? not formal obviously, but nice casual idk. I have never been to a stand up show before. honestly, most of the time it's hard for me to pay attention to stand up cuz it's not something I normally feel into watching. but I do like Katt Williams and Sebastian Manascalco. I like Craig Robinson but don't know much about how his stand ups are. it's weird to call him by his name... I've always referred to him as Matheson from Pineapple Express. we're also getting dinner down in Clematis Street. I wanna look nice but I wanna look Kawaii and wear pigtails like I normally do lol. I am putting pink in my hair today though so maybe just wear  it down. maybe I can get my bf to buy me a new dress for this event hmm 😏

I worked on my blog yesterday and today because I was neglecting it a little... I still don't have my chair back so I haven't been sitting at the desk. ugh I unplugged everything 😒 and am working from the bed so I'll have to plug everything back in when I get my chair back. I added more things to the sides and changed the layout of my blog a bit. I need to sell more stuff I am so poor right now and the gas prices are so much. I appreciate my bf getting me gas since I do all of the commuting but he only fills it up to a quarter. I wanna fill it up all the way. obviously not while the prices are almost 5 a gallon but yea, when they go down I need to fill it up to last me way longer. I have things to sell but things only seem to sell if they are brand items. like Forever 21 stuff sells. but stuff I have sitting in my closet with tags on them from stores like Kohls don't. 😔

my bf's daughter is coming down next week for a week so I usually try and stay home to give them their time. I do hang out too though a bit with them. like we might go to an aquarium or something. but other than that I keep to myself at home. so I need something to do. maybe I can talk him into letting me have the rest of that Jameson. hopefully I can get my chair back by then too so I can be at my desk. the last time I was on Twitch literally no one came in the room and I think it's 'cause I had it set to Pubg mobile category and there isn't much traction in there. my domain name for my lives expired 'cause I never used it and honestly it was a waste of money. I am way too unreliable in the streaming world to bother with that. in my head I want to do it, but when it comes down to it I don't end up doing it. I'd say most of the time I am in a bad mood and don't wanna talk to people even tho I have fun when I do and there are peeps to talk to. idk what to do today. this week I was busy-ish but today is falling flat. 

>__>

I saw this Tiktok that bothered me. So this girl was at iHop and she saw the kid (main boy) from Stranger Things there and walked up to where he was sitting with a bunch of people and asked him for a picture. so Stranger Things friends mocked the girl while she was standing there and Stranger Things told her no worries but he's with friends right now. the fact his friends sat there mocking her to her face cause she said she was sorry if it was awkward of her to be asking for a picture. for 1) I personally would not have went up to a celebrity and asked for a picture while they were seated in a restaurant, but hey, that's me... 2) his friends are real douchebags to literally make fun of her. 3) he wasn't rude, but if I were him I would have taken that photo with her after his friends belittled her. that's fucked up. like yea, I get it,  you're young and your friend is a celeb and you're not... but no one should be treated that way. she had to walk back to her table after being mocked by his friends and told no to the picture question. she prob felt really embarrassed. horrible, hopefully he said something to them about that otherwise it kinda makes you wonder about who he is as a person.

wild wknd

Thursday night was a lot of fun even though I started out moody 🙃 but it was cuz I was super hungry. so Cinco De Mayo was Thursday and we went to the Mexican restaurant with the same name and met Paige there. we had tequila shots and margaritas. it was crazy packed there. they had a DJ outside of the restaurant and all kinds of drunk people dancing lol. we then went to the bar after and I just wanna say how much I love Paige. she's such a good person and I've grown to be close to her. we had good conversations and I thanked her again and again for always paying for me. she takes care of me when were out and my bf isn't around. she's such a caring soul. I love her. ❤️  all 3 of us stayed up til like early morning. I dropped out early and they stayed up another hour. I was so exhausted so I went to lay down. but it was a lot of fun.

Friday I was so tired and hungover from partying Thursday that I pretty much just slept the whole day. my bf was trying to get me up multiple times and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I finally woke up and showered at like 7pm. we watched Eden Lake which is a really good movie. pretty fucked up tho but I hadn't seen it in so long.

Saturday I didn't work the tent thing. I just went home for a bit to tend to my guinea pigs and hamster. I ended up taking another other freaking nap that when my alarm went off I couldn't keep my eyes open again! I just have been sleeping hard and not being able to get up for some reason. but I forced myself and I got ready and drove back to my bf's once he was done working the tent. we headed over to the "metal flea market" and met my sister and her bf there. we went mainly cuz my bfs work mate and our friend Bobby M. was playing. afterwards we went to Chili's with my sister and her bf. we got margaritas (again for me lol) there cuz it's 6.99 margs there. I swear they were 5.00 last time. when we left we went our separate ways and my bf and I dropped off Paige's license she left at the house. she was passed out in the back of the tattoo shop where she works prob partly cuz she was still recovering from Thursday 😂

we called up our ole friend Bobby G. haven't seen him in a while. we headed to Lures for a drink and he introduced us to this chick I can't recall her name. but le' me tell you she sucked! she followed us over to The Resort where Bobby G. frequents cuz he wanted us to meet this girl he helped land a job there. she was so fuckin' nice too. so the girl that tagged along showed up and off the bat I could tell she was off. like she dragged me outside cuz she said "the boys can go do whatever". I didn't wanna follow her I don't even know her. but I'm too shy sometimes to say anything, so we went outside and she couldn't find her friends thank God, so we went back in. the whole fucking time we were at the restaurant she complained. I mean this chick was straight up rude. she, knowing Bobby G always pays cuz he has $$... ordered a bunch of shit without asking. like she ordered crab cakes, pizza, lobster bisque, drinks and another entree of pasta. she complained the soup was cold so they took it back and made her new bowl. she complained the drinks were too bitter and asked to sweeten it. she complained the service was slow and blamed it on the girl that B helped get the for. like... I could go on and on about her bitching. my bf and I went to the bathroom and he's like "God she sucks" I was in total agreement. she was using our friend which was messed up. using him and complaining while at it. I was so mad when they went outside and left me at the table with her cuz I didn't wanna talk to her. she of course  complained and was saying how she worked 2 years there and how our waitress (the new girl) basically sucked which is untrue. she was so nice. she kept telling me how cute I am and complimenting me constantly. she was busy because the restaurant was packed and there was a wedding taking place. so like??? she sounded super jealous. luckily when we left and met up at the bar, my friend ditched her. God what a nightmare. I hate rude people, and people that think theyre entitled. sit down.

at the bar there was a huge fight that went down and this big dude had to be dragged out by multiple dudes. he then comes back in and was once again dragged back out and Markbob called the cops. by this point anyways I was tired of drinking, I wasn't feeling great and my energy levels were super low. which sucked cuz Paige showed up and I didn't wanna leave her. Bobby tried dragging us out to the next bar but I didn't feel good so we went home and I passed out shortly after. man  what a weekend... oh I did get to hold a parrot tho.

photos not many

i would have taken more food pictures if that girl wasn't there.

boredannoyedstfu

I'm going to see Craig Robinson stand-up show this month for my friends birthday. now if it were Dany McBride.... 😍 I'd lose it. I was suppose to see Nine Inch Nails at the Rockville festival this month too but can't now cuz my bfs kid is coming down. I'm fucking depressed man. I was looking forward to going and seeing them again and plus that girl Poppy is gonna be there. I've always wanted to see her even tho I don't particularly care for the music. it's just that I use to watch her weird little videos all the time. so it sucks so fucking bad I can't go. I'm bored today. today I have nothing going on at all so I've been spending my time on Twitter and Discord. my most frequently used apps are (in order) Twitter > Discord > Instagram > Facebook. 

I'm kind of in a mean mood too. like I don't wanna be nice to anyone. I feel super irritated by everyone too. 😒  I watched Russian Doll season 1&2 and it was pretty good. then I binged The 7 Lives of Lea which i enjoyed... Girl From Plainville is over now so what to watch these days I have yet to discover. I want to go to the beach but it keeps raining. boRrRrRReDDDDd

yo

went to this biker show my bf and friends were playing for one of the band friends friends/work mate. (if that wasn't confusing enough.) I never felt so out of place in my life. some lady walking around taking pictures of the event asked if she could take a picture of me. right away I had anxiety cuz I didn't want people staring at me. she directed my position next to someone's motorcycle. I felt so cringey lmao and some people were staring and asked what were doing and she's like "she's modeling!" cringeeee. it was a very boring event for me. my bf and I were just making jokes about bikers the whole time. no offense if anyone reading is into them. that's cool. I have a friend who is the head of one of the groups. but we were just saying how funny it is that grown men are in a club and like you have to be invited in and shit 🤭

we went out to sushi with some friends which was good. I love sushi. not much to say about it but here's pics

I feel depressed today. I was doing good for a bit until a bit of drama happened this weeken and I've been bothered by it. I also tripped and I think that has something to do with it too. I don't sleep when I take tabs. I end up stuck awake into the next day until afternoon or night sometimes. I don't do well mentally when I hardly sleep. that's what sucks when I become in a manic phase. I was doing a bit better with sleep for a while even though the schedule may have been askew I was at least getting sleep. I wish I had my chair back so I could blog properly but it's being borrowed. I use my Twitter for microblogging when I have just something to say that isn't needed for an entire post. so the twitter feed shows up on my blog. not sure why I didn't microblog at that biker thing I was hella bored.