kittykaley.com

so I was wrong for being angry at certain people for not being allowed to go on a trip I didn't even wanna go on/wasn't going on anyway. all cuz I didn't get the full story and assumed 😅 my apologies.

anyways, so Friday was horrible. after picking up the kitten I came home and had mental break downs. I almost had to go to the hospital because of them. I tried to change my tune. I got on the computer, started up Overwatch but randomly began to sob. I cried so hard at my desk and felt so horrible inside. I laid back down and was trying to stop it. I watched a movie and got triggered so badly... I was crying again. this time it was a ptsd related breakdown. I cried the entire day and was almost ready to go to the hospital. I was a wreck the entire day. I didn't reply to anyone's text or anything cuz I was such an emotional wreck. it's so weird how such a simple thing in a movie could set off "Vietnam flashbacks" like that. I was so broken. I kept looking up stuff online to reassure myself of things... after all of that I was talking but not making sense? I'd say stuff that didn't make sense. my brain was just so scattered and in pain I couldn't form proper sentences. it was weird. my sister and I took a drive and she got me McDonald's and we talked.🥺 I talked again to my mom about my trauma and she's mad (not at me...) I can tell her heart is hurting cuz ya know, her child is going thru this and went thru it to get to where i am. so I get it. I need help but I can't afford it right now. I need therapy and medication. I use to be so anti therapy until recently... I can't overcome this by myself but I'm better today.

I watched the movie Soul and it def made me feel kinda better even tho I cried like a bitch. I think I cried from that movie because it got to me. how I've been feeling due to my depression it gave me a reminder to not give up living. it's a fantastic film. I always brushed it aside cuz I thought it was a musical. it's not at all like that. but the moral is living isn't all bad when you put aside your insecurities. and truly enjoy being around people you love. cuz sometimes our insecurities can hinder us from living life.

anyways I'm not better but I'm done with the nervous breakdown I had and feel a bit calmer. my bf was over last night and we talked. we even talked about the things I've been wanting to change and he's happy to change too. my mental problems will never go away but I am trying to feel better by making positive changes and hopefully can get the professional help I need.