mad

so I am not going to the tattoo convention. I was invited and now I am not allowed to go. seriously fuck off. I really don't see why I can't go. it's not my bfs idea obviously. but seriously why can't I go? cuz people are fucking annoying? sounds about right... losers. so I am stuck home while my bf goes off for work to the convention tonight and stays for a couple days. whatever. we literally thought that both of us weren't going and now he has to but I'm not wanted there. fuck off. ok I'm done ranting. and it's the worst time for him to leave me because I'm going through serious mental issues and personal issues that I wanted to discuss. so now I get to suffer longer. ok seriously I'll stop being angry. but it's just been super bad these past few months. I'm so unhappy like I try to hide it all of the time because I feel guilty for being so depressed and negative. like I feel bad for bringing others down if I speak on it. my panic attacks have gotten bad and my impulsive behavior is back. I'm worried I'll do something stupid... I don't mean anything like hurting myself physically or anything but doing risky stuff. I've had this happen in the past and it could have ruined a lot for me. I'm trying to not do anything but I can just feel those tendencies coming on cuz mania. one min I'm suffering in bed and can't move from such deep depression... the next I'm ready to risk anything. I think that's why maybe the panic attacks are starting because I have this manic energy that's being locked up so I don't do stupid shit. I felt so badly when I woke up and found out that news about the convention. so my sister and i took a drive, got McDonald's (which I feel bad about going off my diet) but we drove around and talked about different stuff. I told her we should do something together tomorrow. idk what to do with myself at night without my bf... I'm usually with him Thursday nights cause that's his Fridays... maybe I'll play video games, stream, idk. I've watched every movie under the sun. I scroll thru Hulu and Netflix and even the other channels like HBO max and prime but I've seen all of the horror sections. there is one movie I do wanna have my bro download for me called The Retreat I think it's called... maybe can watch that.

tomorrow morning me, my brother and sister are going to the vet early to see if that kitten is still there for adopting and were gonna get her. I hope she's still there. we have a black cat already here that looks just like it so we're gonna need to put collar on to differentiate the 2 when the kitten is older. I think they said she's like 15 weeks old. babygirl is tiny.