so I was wrong for being angry at certain people for not being allowed to go on a trip I didn't even wanna go on/wasn't going on anyway. all cuz I didn't get the full story and assumed 😅 my apologies.

anyways, so Friday was horrible. after picking up the kitten I came home and had mental break downs. I almost had to go to the hospital because of them. I tried to change my tune. I got on the computer, started up Overwatch but randomly began to sob. I cried so hard at my desk and felt so horrible inside. I laid back down and was trying to stop it. I watched a movie and got triggered so badly... I was crying again. this time it was a ptsd related breakdown. I cried the entire day and was almost ready to go to the hospital. I was a wreck the entire day. I didn't reply to anyone's text or anything cuz I was such an emotional wreck. it's so weird how such a simple thing in a movie could set off "Vietnam flashbacks" like that. I was so broken. I kept looking up stuff online to reassure myself of things... after all of that I was talking but not making sense? I'd say stuff that didn't make sense. my brain was just so scattered and in pain I couldn't form proper sentences. it was weird. my sister and I took a drive and she got me McDonald's and we talked.🥺 I talked again to my mom about my trauma and she's mad (not at me...) I can tell her heart is hurting cuz ya know, her child is going thru this and went thru it to get to where i am. so I get it. I need help but I can't afford it right now. I need therapy and medication. I use to be so anti therapy until recently... I can't overcome this by myself but I'm better today.

I watched the movie Soul and it def made me feel kinda better even tho I cried like a bitch. I think I cried from that movie because it got to me. how I've been feeling due to my depression it gave me a reminder to not give up living. it's a fantastic film. I always brushed it aside cuz I thought it was a musical. it's not at all like that. but the moral is living isn't all bad when you put aside your insecurities. and truly enjoy being around people you love. cuz sometimes our insecurities can hinder us from living life.

anyways I'm not better but I'm done with the nervous breakdown I had and feel a bit calmer. my bf was over last night and we talked. we even talked about the things I've been wanting to change and he's happy to change too. my mental problems will never go away but I am trying to feel better by making positive changes and hopefully can get the professional help I need.

mad

so I am not going to the tattoo convention. I was invited and now I am not allowed to go. seriously fuck off. I really don't see why I can't go. it's not my bfs idea obviously. but seriously why can't I go? cuz people are fucking annoying? sounds about right... losers. so I am stuck home while my bf goes off for work to the convention tonight and stays for a couple days. whatever. we literally thought that both of us weren't going and now he has to but I'm not wanted there. fuck off. ok I'm done ranting. and it's the worst time for him to leave me because I'm going through serious mental issues and personal issues that I wanted to discuss. so now I get to suffer longer. ok seriously I'll stop being angry. but it's just been super bad these past few months. I'm so unhappy like I try to hide it all of the time because I feel guilty for being so depressed and negative. like I feel bad for bringing others down if I speak on it. my panic attacks have gotten bad and my impulsive behavior is back. I'm worried I'll do something stupid... I don't mean anything like hurting myself physically or anything but doing risky stuff. I've had this happen in the past and it could have ruined a lot for me. I'm trying to not do anything but I can just feel those tendencies coming on cuz mania. one min I'm suffering in bed and can't move from such deep depression... the next I'm ready to risk anything. I think that's why maybe the panic attacks are starting because I have this manic energy that's being locked up so I don't do stupid shit. I felt so badly when I woke up and found out that news about the convention. so my sister and i took a drive, got McDonald's (which I feel bad about going off my diet) but we drove around and talked about different stuff. I told her we should do something together tomorrow. idk what to do with myself at night without my bf... I'm usually with him Thursday nights cause that's his Fridays... maybe I'll play video games, stream, idk. I've watched every movie under the sun. I scroll thru Hulu and Netflix and even the other channels like HBO max and prime but I've seen all of the horror sections. there is one movie I do wanna have my bro download for me called The Retreat I think it's called... maybe can watch that.

tomorrow morning me, my brother and sister are going to the vet early to see if that kitten is still there for adopting and were gonna get her. I hope she's still there. we have a black cat already here that looks just like it so we're gonna need to put collar on to differentiate the 2 when the kitten is older. I think they said she's like 15 weeks old. babygirl is tiny. 

too real

This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks Searching for a new high, high as the sun, uncomfortably numb This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks

updatez

weekend: this weekend my bf and I dogsat his boss's dog. we took her downtown to walk the pier, he took her to the dog park while I stayed home cuz I was so tired. she slept with us in bed and Mr Dabs was super good about it. we weren't sure if they'd argue lol. we took mushrooms this weekend and fuck, I had horrible anxiety attack. like I was miserable and kept trying to make it stop but I just had to wait it out. eventually it stopped but I felt like I was dying. I nver had that happen that badly before on mushrooms. I think it's cuz lately I haven't been sleeping. I noticed that I keep getting them lately ever since my sleeping is bad. aside that shit, we went to downtown Ft. Pierce for some St Patricks day things. we grabbed a beer and walked around then ended up over at Wasabi. my fave place to go in downtown Ft P. then we grabbed pizza for some reason? lmao. I felt super badly about it because I have been eating low carb for almsot 2 weeks at that point and I fucked it up by eating carbs. I'm trying to lose weight and get back to normal. since my one medication stopped working after many years I have to work extra hard to keep my weight normal. I have never been this heavy in my life. for me it causes my period to stop coming and all other bs. so my bf and I are continuing on with the LC diet. tonight I think we're making pork chops and vegetables to start back on track.

today: had top take my old cat Shrimpsy into the vet again so they could check her face infection. they said it's getting better and we're doing a good job with her meds. as my brother and I were there we saw the cutest little baby cat in the waiting room. apparently they said she was dropped off there over the weekend and was taken from a hoarding house. much like Stanley (I still miss that boy and I hope he is safe wherever he is). so my brother asks the front desk about the cat. so we decided on Friday we're going back to adopt her. her name is Minerva? (wtf) like it sounds like a medication you see on commercial or like my sister said, a new shot "the Minerva shot". lmao so we're gonna be changing that.  

I watch crime ALL the time and I usually just find myself shaking my head in disgust or cursing at the murderers (out loud lol) while they talk about them. but I hardly ever cry. I was watching Dave's Lemonade and his latest video on Jessica Camilleri. I cried over that one when Dave said his part at the end of the video. it really got to me probably cause I found a lot of similarities in her mother in my own. I want to make more tiktoks. it's actually a lot of fun to make them. cringe? who gives a shit. I am learning to care less about things like that and just do things that are fun. I am locked out of my unable to login to my kittykaley acc. so I had to start anew and already and making friends on there.

something is wrong with my old cat Shrimpsy's face again. me and my brother took her to the vet this AM. she had this before on the side of her face an infection and she was taken to the vet then and got antibiotics which helped her. but she started to scratch at the area and it got bad again. like to where to caused a hole in her face. so we took her this morning again and they gave us more antibiotics. we have to keep a cone on her so she doesn't irritate it anymore. then next Monday we take her again to see if the antibiotics are working or if we need to switch them to new ones. they took samples to test and see what bacteria is on it. so gross I know. she kept wanting to show me and my brother the infection in detail to understand but were like nope can't look at that lol. so she drew a pic instead. poor shrimpsy tho. she's 17 years old so she's old and frail. poor old cat... we also have to get her blood work done since she's so old to make sure nothing else is wrong 400+ dollars later 😞 but have to check her out and make sure we keep cleaning her face and giving her meds.

omg

omg. ok so im still drunk typing this i hope i type it out decently... we went out with Megs to eat and have some margaritas at Chili's. a place I haven't been in YEARS ok. we went... the food was so good but the check came out to like a crazy amount. it should have been less... so we had them fix it. it took a bit but it got fixed... after we stopped by some friends house... I say friends but we hardly hang out with them anymore... my bf was gonna go in their backyard to get the fire put we were suppose to retrieve... so my bf goes out back to get it but I thought they weren't answering the door. so I ring the door bell and F answers the door looking confused. so I say were there to pick up the firepit. he let's me in and what not but it was totally awkward. see, I thought he and his gf J were awake.... negative! I was petting their dog trying to quiet him from barking and J is laying in bed with her son across the way and says "hello kaley". I felt so bad man. I knocked on their door with them like laying in bed and shit.... if I just stayed in the car I'm sure my bf would have gotten the firepit without waking them. but my drunk ass waltzed up and rang the doorbell man. I just walked in. ugh. i feel super awful about it omg. the awkwardness you wouldn't believe. lol I hope they aren't upset with me but I didn't know and I was drunk to top it off. just rang their doorbell cuz the way it looked... it looked.lokenthey were ignoring my bf coming over to get that firepit. me and megs ended up making a killer bonfire tonight after a few struggles. i asked her if we were stranded somewhere woukd we survive and she said yes. she nailed it making that firepit go off lmao. anyways.... need to sleep now I feel sorta sick. but I had to document lmao

no fair :(

well we tried to go to the fair. I got all ready and bought a new dress and everything. but on the way there I started to feel iffy. like I really wasn't sure if I was gonna be sick, if I was gonna cry, if I needed to eat something. I didn't know what to think. so I tried to ignore it and tell myself it was all in my head. nope. when we were in the line for parking I'm like this isn't a good idea and I was right. I told my bf to turn around and go home. unfortunately the fair we were going to was like a 45 minute drive out. I felt bad but there was no way I could be around all of the crowds, walk around or have any fun. so on the way back I was panicking. I had a horrible panic attack. Thank God I didn't ignore my feeling and just went. I'd have died before we even got our tickets. I hate panic attacks they feel like you are dying. 

 I think this panic attack occurred cuz Wednesday night i didn't get good sleep. then Thursday night I really didn't get good sleep, if any at all. and I got up that day and got coffee + an espresso shot to wake me up for Saturday. I was okay yet tired but once I took that 5 hour energy I was done. I couldn't handle going out into huge crowds let alone be in the car. I think the combo of caffeine and no sleep caused a panic in me. sucks so much cuz I wanted to go to the fair so bad. our original plan was the take a tab each and go to the fair. Thank God we didn't that would have been a whole new type of panic mode. instead my bf took care of me and let me order whatever I wanted from one of my fave Italian delivery places. we ordered that and watched guardians of the galaxy 2. I took a klonopin to calm me down. believe it or not he fell asleep first 😅 then I did after and literally just woke up like 45 mins ago. I was so tired and needed sleep so bad. 

tonight we might either go see spider man or see live music some where I think he told me this morning. who knows I was like in and out of sleep. he always talks to me as if I'm awake while I'm asleep and can hear properly. he will go on and on and tell me stuff. like hello I'm not even properly away its so weird 😂

my hair sucks

yesterday I spent the entire day trying to do stuff to my hair when I probably should have left it alone and just added the pink back in it. first I tried to tone my hair but I got too carried away with the purple dye. my hair ended up purple tinted so I tried using the baking aoda/developer method & it just stripped out all of the toner and left my hair brassy. so I decided to just use more baking soda to get rid of the blue in my hair since the pink was already gone. the blue didn't come out at all. so I got stuck with further dried out hair with just blue color on half my head. it looks so stupid. I did this a couple times so in total I had to wash my hair like 5 or 6 times. I was super close to having a little break down and wanting to cut it all off. my sister told me to just use this hair mask over night and call it a day. so I decided to just re tone it and be careful with the purple... then wash it and read pink to the other side so it's not just blue on one side and blonde on the other. I guess I'll keep putting the pink in until the blue fades out on its own. the pink washes out like after 2 or 3 washes but the blue isn't doing anything. I have had blue before in hair and the baking soda method worked (even tho blues the hardest the fade) and it came right out. for some reason this time it isn't at all. guess I have harley hair for a while til that blue goes away. I literally only wanted pink and blue in my hair for a short while for something different but now I just want blonde and pink buy I can't. 😩