:(

super depressed and tried to make myself feel good about myself

notice the basket of dirty clothes in the back. I did end up forcing myself up to do the laundry today at least. 

It's so bad I don't wanna see anyone. including people I love... friends. and when I do, I end up bringing them down and in a bad mood because I'm in such a depressive state. so I just have been keeping my distance alone. I have neverrrr been able to fake smile or pretend to be happy and social. it's always painfully obvious cuz I can't fake it.  it's actually more painful to pretend to be happy than it is to just be sad itself. 

idk what to do... but I have been trying to do little things here and there... like sadly, doing laundry was a big step. small but still... showering is a task, cleaning... no motivation to do anything. I need to get out but it's hard to bring myself to do any of it.

got Christmas shopping done. was in Hot Topic getting my sister Christmas stuff and saw my bf's old band, Break The Hero sticker stuck on the register area 😂 

I picked out 2 of my items and my brother and mom bought them but just won't give them to me til Christmas day 😭 

got the last of my bfs gift and gonna wrap most of them tonight. spent all night and morning til like 11am doing up my animal crossing island. getting mire intricate now that I unlocked everything in Happy Home Paradise.

I wonder whay I'm doing for New Year's Eve.  I need to go to a party or something and force myself out. it's been so brutal socializing for me lately. social anxiety is at a all time high these past few months. I did quit taking my antidepressants because I thought they didn't help at all. I need bipolar meds to treat my bipolar disorder and I know anti depressants don't help with that. but I read people take both. so I probably shouldn't have gotten off of them 😕 I def feel worse than I have in a while 

so much

we went to the punk rock flea market thing on Saturday and I wish I didn't feel so awful that day. I still had fun but would have been more comfortable if I didn't just start my period THAT day. we got some good food. I got fish tacos for lunch and had a bloody mary (perfect day to have one 😋 😂) 

I was still not feeling happy for my reason... but when I saw my friend Paige there, my mood got better. I now know what alcoholic beverage I'm gonna start getting. I haven't been drinking much anymore (before this weekend) cuz there's no drinks I've been feeling. vodka and OJ... over it. vodka and cranberry... over it. Monster and vodka... over it. so I changed it up. I got what Paige gets which is Jameson and Ginger Ale. it's so fucking good. I love it. 

we drove back down town and met up with another friend and we all went to Mexican restaurant. I got a Chipotle Enchalada

 and 2 Teauila shots and a Margarita

by the end of that night I was feeling better

I got my Switch... apparently it doesn't come with with the game. It's just a limited edition Animal Crossing themed Switch. I sold the game with my Switch Lite too now I have to buy the game all over again. 

I also now have a flat tire!!! I swear... I say this every post but I have bad luck I swear. so glad I asked my bf to check my tire when we stopped at the gas station. he said my tire was so low it needed air in it bad so he filled the tire for me and that I must have ran over a nail. I had my sister's bf check it out and he said if I kept driving on it, it would have blown...it was splitting in half or something.

so now I have to pay for a new tire and new Animal Crossing. :( I'm too poor for this. I just got 2 new back tires a few months ago. if I would have known I'd have put off getting my Switch. 

anyways I need to mail the Switch Lite tonight. I'm gonna drop it off at the post office's package drop off.